My husband’s mom has had severe Demetria for the last 4 years. Although we have been together for 7 years, we just got married last year. He moved his mother into his house he had from his first marriage. He runs his business out of there. Although he has caregivers daily, he is with his mom everyday and spends way too much time with her. It’s silly to say but there’s a part of me that feels jealous how much time, energy and devotion he gives to her. She views me as the “other” woman since she struggles to remember if he is her dad, husband or son. She’s rarely nice to me so most of the time he spends with her is without me present.
I try to tell him that he’s out of balance and I feel disconnected, but to no avail...
You may need to do some research on dementia to better understand what your husband is going through with his mom. Do you help him take care of her or does he do everything for her when the caregivers aren’t there? Caregiving for a parent with dementia is a stressful, emotional and extremely difficult undertaking. Even with caregivers, watching a parent decline is heartbreaking. I’m sure he is aware of not paying enough attention to you without being reminded. Suggest a lunch date while the caregivers are there. Support him and when you do your reasearch on the stages of dementia, tell him you understand what he’s going through.
based on my profession, as a psychotherapist, I’m aware of stress, empathy and I’m fully aware of codependency and unhealthy boundaries.
My husband made a commitment to me that he would make our marriage his main priority and he is not open to long term AI care.
im 59 and my mom is almost 89. my dad died in 2015 at 92. both my mom and dad had/have alzheimers. I put them in assisted living in 2011. Once my mom and dad were at a certain stage of alzheimers, I knew I couldn't take care of them (plus I was working) ..... I know my mom doesn't have a lot of time left.
my husbands mom lives out of town and is about 80. He travels long distance every 3 months. She lives alone, but has an aide that comes daily. except weekends(not sure). If she gets worse (and she will, bad health) They have plans to probably move her to his sisters home.
I don't know how I feel about him having to go every 3 months, of course I don't really like it.... But I don't say anything, because its what he feels he needs to do. And I know its hard for him too, but theres no other way right now. and I know it wont be forever. its just the way it is.
without knowing everything w your situation... you may just want to wait and bite your tongue. I don't mean to sound rude. BUT your husband may figure out on his own that its too "much" sooner or later. My husband is stubborn and he is going to do things his way. I cant always change his mind, and in fact if I try....he is not going to budge.
its been hard the last 7 years with our parents getting old. I don't like having to be in charge of my mom and seeing her go down hill. it sucks.
so anyway..sorry so long. im probably not helping. But a lot of people say they will never put their loved one in a facility. but eventually with dementia it gets ~very~ difficult. Even the biggest hearts can end up with burnout.
I don't really like my MIL - but I was young and didn't even occur to me when I married, how it would impact my life years later. This is just the life I ended up with and I accept it I guess. I just don't think it would be right to pressure your spouse because he is probably trying his best - you can let him know how you feel - but if he doesn't listen. theres probably not a lot you can do.
sorry so long and rambling .
oh yes wont be forever, but it sure feels like it sometimes.
At this point, I guess you need to let him do his own thing. Studying about Dementia is one thing, living with it is another. Is ur husband an only child? Are the aides there 24/7? How old is Mom? You say she sees you as a threat because she doesn't know her son as her son. Severe Dementia for 4 yrs. So there were signs before that. If Mom continues a steady decline she is going to need LTC. An AL won't do it.
My Mom came to live with me 11/2014. She still knew me but could no longer live alone. She forgot how to use the phone, TV remote and left a pan on the stove that burnt up. She was losing weight and if not for my nephew, would not have taken her pills. In the 20 months she lived here, she declined a little each month. AL for 8 months and then 5 months in LTC. She passed 9/2017. At this point maybe you should allow him his time. U don't want him to resent you. This is what he needs to do for his Mom so there is no guilt. Needs to feel he did what he could.
I know a woman who was very attractive. She married a homely man but he is so nice. She had said she would never marry again so I asked why this time. She said that when she saw how kind he was and the things he did for his late wife's MIL, she knew he would take care of her. They r still together.
We definitely felt that those years were robbed from us, as neither of his other 2 kids stepped up to help, so zero support.
Iinterestingly, my husband's sister who lives in N. California (we're in Seattle) supposedly is on Hospice herself, she's a pathological liar, and so we never get the real truth from her, she's been "dying" with multiple different diagnosis for so many years now, but now she wants my husband to be her DPOA and Executive of her Estate. Just the thing he wants to tackle after caring for their Dad for all that time, he only just passed this past September! She is supposedly sending him the ppwk to sign and have notarized, but he's not sure what to do at this point, they have Never been close. People are so selfish, not even considerate enough to think about what he (we've) been through, It's the Dysfunctional family that keeps on giving! What to Do, What to do...... I say Tell her NO!
I'm from conservative God and family stock. In our value system the man that doesn't evade responsibility, even stepping up to fulfill those responsibilities in extra measure, when caring for his family is highly valued. He's the kind of man who can be counted on the hang around when you are battling cancer or your child is diagnosised with MD or your mother has a stroke.
Since you stayed around through three years of his maternal devotion and then married him, it appears he made adequate "couple time" to sustain and advance your relationship. Maybe you need to consider how you can be more supportive as a wife? Or some counseling to figure out why you feel a need to push mom out? Why did you expect your husband to be less devoted to his mother after your marriage than he was as your boyfriend?
Is it possible that your MIL is responding to _your_ thinly veiled hostility?
Her dementia will take your husband's mother away from him soon enough. Be thankful there's enough money you are not being asked to provide her direct care. Please try not begrudge your husband the final moments he will have with his mother; although she may physically live on for several more years, it sounds like the dementia will take her soon. Don't put your husband in the position of looking at his mother after her mind is gone with deep regrets for the time lost when she still knew who he was occasionally.
Now I am caring for my mom. Which I have emotionally for years, but didn't get as many to physically do so before. Yes, it's challenging. But one day she won't be here.
You need to try to forgive, talk your feelings out with your husband. If not get counseling. Talk with a preacher.
well here is something you need to understand / his mother is ill — there are no boundaries! This is not codependency- she has an illness.
you understand that? - because it does not sound that way -
Good luck to you - and grow up!
due to my mothers rapid decline from living independently to severe dementia with many health issues and B&B incontinence. I stayed with her for 2 months in another state and have brought her back home with me hoping she could return to her baseline or at least a level to qualify for AL or memory care. I am a health care professional and have quit working to care for her. I need my spouse to remind me I do have other relationships and commitments that can't be shelved indefinitely.
It is mind numbing trying to provide immediate care, constant supervision, assume financial planning, investigate in-home versus facility caregiver options.....SO, ask your husband what part he could use help with, plan after dinner walk & talks, even plan a not to far off day trip or travel, remind him of his other life:) and help him enjoy it a little...Surely he will want to get back a portion of it with you.
I agree with all who mentioned this is a disease; it is a demanding disease.
His mom is again a child with pouts and demands. Look BEYOND this. Why not go over there and offer any kind of help you can? Instead of putting more demands on your husband; it could melt his heart of you help with cleaning, a meal, occupying her attention with coloring or something simple and creative. Open a family album up and see if that blesses her.
The caregivers can’t do everything. If they are better occupying her attention; see what else needs to be done. Ask your husband. If you pitched-in at this hard time in his life: you could be investing in a much better marriage. Who knows how powerful blessing your MIL could result? Find out.
It sounds like maybe couples therapy would help you both to talk things out and maybe come to a solution that works best for both of you.
Also, you might try talking to him again about how you feel, but re-frame it a little. Instead of "You spend too much time with mom" or "You are out of balance", both of which can make him feel defensive , you might schedule a date night for the two of you and talk about how much you miss him. Listen also to how he feels and how he reacts. You might find that he is more understanding this way. Ask him too what he needs and wants from you, could be assistance, moral support, etc.
You two can also talk about what would happen should his mom need additional care, such as if memory care might be an option down the road if she needs more assistance than the caregivers can provide. Let him know you love him and want to make plans together both for your relationship and to make sure his mom has the best care possible.
Divorce comes when we put unrealistic demands on a relationship or break a trust with our partner.
If he were going to bars, spending time with friends, or on a hobby, I'd be right there with you on him choosing what he is spending his time on... and that it isn't you. But he's showing himself for who he is, a person that will hang in there for someone he cares about to the bitter, nasty, painful end, no matter what. He feels the need to do this, and putting a demand on that will just end the marriage. Accepting and validating his feelings of responsibility just might bring you both closer.
I think the question is what does she want the outcome to be in her relationship with her husband? Do you want to "win" his time or become closer? If it is to preserve the relationship, then you have to determine what that needs to look like, what exactly are you asking for? Cuddle time at night? A dinner where you both can talk each week? It might not be time, it might just be quality.
All or nothing demands just might end you up with nothing. Be ready that it could be an outcome you don't want. Even a short term "gain" of his acceptance can have a long term result of anger and resentment if he didn't truly make the decision(s) on his own but felt pushed. Tread lightly.
And again... marriage is really freaking hard. We do a lot of things we don't want to do to stay in them if the person is worth it. What outcome do you want?
Perhaps he feels guilty in some way. Or wants to be devoted now, since the end is near. Did she ask him to promise never to put her in a home? A lot of elderly do that. They are scared of being abused there, abandoned, or its concidered the end of the line. Maybe he is afraid to leave carers alone with her, or in the house alone? Did her husband ever leave her? Is he an only child? Maybe there is more to the back story? Can you explain better?
If he is spending the day there and working, what is the problem? If hes working I doubt hes spending all his time with his mom.
Does he come home at night? Maybe you need to find out why he is being so devoted. At least he is not like some guys wanting to shove their mom's care onto a gf or wife because women are natural caregivers.
Maybe you can get him to see he needs downtime for his mental health. Perhaps scheduling time for dinners, a movie, the park, hangout time, will give everyone a win, win. Good luck.
Love is always tested...clearly you love this man very much
You can turn it around & spend the free time when he is with his Mother taking better care of yourself..hair nails, clothes, exercise, learn a hobby, or a subject you have always been interested in...but never had the time to pursue
Love yourself more!!
"Men fall in love with what they SEE...
Women fall is love with what they HEAR"
If you support his decision..compliment his devotion & care for the woman who brought him into the world..his Mother (Sincerely!!) ...rather than complaining...that in itself will make him want to be closer with you emotionally
Who wants to be close to a complainer? No one if they are honest.
Ask how his mother is doing, would he like a meal? his slippers?
Make him the foods he enjoys. (an army marches on its stomach!)...
Really...it Works
This positive loving & supportive attitude combined with your prettier feminine appearance will ADD to health & beauty of the relationship
Nothing lasts forever.
When his Mother passes over you will be grateful you were generous of spirit and understanding.
This is a test from Life of you, and your love for this man
Good luck & fair winds on your journey :)
I actually understand how OP feels. When we were first married, my husband was “married” to his family. I wasn’t much more to him than a bedmate and housekeeper. Our honeymoon was over real fast. We even came back from our real honeymoon three days early because he missed his family!
If OP ever came back and said she felt we “attacked” her, I would be the first to apologize.
"She says her MIL is “rarely nice” to her, and her husband should put a stop to his mother’s vitriol toward his wife but obviously does not. That’s not fair to OP"
OP states MIL has had dementia for at least 7 years - MIL is not in control of her actions and cannot change her actions with her broken brain - rule one of coping/caring for dementia patients. OP needs to understand that and develop a thicker skin. Although OP states she understands dementia, several of her statements (including this one on MIL not being nice to her) indicate she doesn't really.
I 100% believe that OP will be the “odd man out” if this situation continues, and when MIL does pass, the damage done will be irrevocable. It makes me wonder what the case would be if they had a child and the child took a large portion of Hubby’s attention? If he works from home, he would most likely be a stay-at-home Dad. Would OP continue to feel neglected?
We will never know if OP is high-maintenance or if she truly is justified in her feelings. And, as I said, I understand how she feels. It wasn’t until my own MIL pulled something so nasty and hurtful to me that my husband finally grew a set and stood up to her, thereby “divorcing” himself from his marriage to his family.
I hope she finds what she’s looking for. I hope it all works out for all three of them.
I understand OP wants MIL placed in a facility to "free" her husband time so he can spend more time with her _now_. Since the MIL's care arrangements were in place years before the marriage any drastic changes in MIL's care level should have been discussed _before_ the marriage. Pushing for big changes now may force her husband to choose between caring for a dependent who cannot look after themselves or maintaining a relationship with an independent adult. Even if her husband gives in to his wife's pressure he may really resent her forcing the choice and if that combines with enough regret and grief in the future, the marriage may be doomed. Supporting her husband's care of MIL reduces his stress and could make the marriage stronger. OP would have full husband's full devotion after MIL passes.
BTW - placing someone in a facility relieves one type of stress (usually more the physical demands of hands on care than the emotional aspects) but it also introduces others. How many people here would place their LO in a facility if they had the money to provide/hire one-on-one in-home care outside their primary residence?
The OP feels neglected and mistreated--the husband is putting his mother first and not protecting her when the mother is mean to her. This is a recipe for divorce.
Marriage is supposed to cleave a man and woman together and away from their families of origin--that's what it says in major religious texts such as the Bible. He can take care of his mom without shelving his wife indefinitely. Otherwise the wife has no reason to be married to him and could become so resentful that she loses her feeling for him.
In this string many people have snottily criticized the OP based on their own inferences. One commenter assumed that the couple didn't marry sooner because she wasn't sweet enough to him. How do you know? Maybe the OP didn't want to get married sooner. There's nothing about that in the post but somebody here just assumed the little woman coulda/shoulda snagged him sooner but goofed.
The OP needs support and encouragement, not judgement. That's probably why she left the building.
I posted a reply up top on the thread.
i appreciate the supportive comments and questions.
the rest of info is written up in the thread.