My husband is completely deaf and has many other health problems. He is 73. He had a massive brain bleed in 2012, so he is at risk for possible memory issues. His temper can flare up explosively and I am not sure how to bring up the subject. I believe he realizes sometimes that he is forgetting things, but he tries to attribute it to not hearing, which at first I thought maybe so. I have had many detailed conversations with him which he forgets & I know he heard because he was talking with me. This is happening more and more. Any ideas will be appreciated. He doesn't want to go for a check up because part of the check up is a basic memory test. Thanks so much.
I respect what Evamar said & would try honesty first...
But if not.. Not so honest I'm afraid..
Checkup time, blood pressure, chol etc? Or even to accompany you when out at the shops then onwards to the Doc for 'your' appointment?
My husband with Parkinson’s is totally responsible for all his medical decisions, maintaining independence is his main concern.
I believe people as adults and still capable have to take total responsibility for their health.
Can he understand and do sign language? Does any of his providers do sign language?
A good plan for 2 reasons - to start with a Doc he trusts plus kidney check up as kidney function can impact thinking skills. Then if the Kidney Doc suggests a visit to his Primary Doctor (for whatever reason) it may get him there. Once there, some short screening tests could be done (if he is open to it). I've found keeping my phrasing to mild "I'm a little concerned about.." keeps the stress out for the patient but the Doctor will hear the issue. A good one will hear between the lines. It may take a visit or more.. a "I'd like to see you again in X weeks".
I suspect my LO is on the regular checkup list now to check up on their health but also to check-in with carergiver & assess for caregiver stress.
as far as the outbursts, I have spoken with my counselor and she told me to call 911 for a medical team to come out and remove him if need be. I pray that never happens but I know who to call. I am going to approach his kidney doctor and see if he can help me...he is the only doctor my Dh will go see, except for his eye surgeon. Thank so muc for taking the time to respond...it really helps.
I pray that those smart people who are fighting our pandemic will use their skills to eliminate Dementia and perhaps create a vaccine that will save the generations to come: it's a humanitarian crisis.
Just let your husband know that you want the assessment so that you don't suffer from anxiety and, you cannot possibly help him if you don't know what is going on and how to manage it. It is an incurable disease, so it will take a village to manage it, this forum is our village, but we also need medical and legal advisors. Let your husband know, it's a team effort and you are on your husband's team, just like those wedding vows were written.
You must get ahead of this. He may can try some medications that will help his memory and he probably will need an anti-depressent for the mood swings.
prayers for you
I would start by telling him that the two of you need to have a talk. Tell him you will talk and then he will talk and when it descends into shouting it will be clear to you that it is too late to talk, and you will have to explore other options for your own future.
Then tell him what you are noticing and tell him that it is unclear to you whether this is a case of hearing or something other. If it is the latter your wish is to stay with him and support him through anything and everything, if he will make that possible. The starting point is to get a diagnosis and he must agree to that, it being a deal breaker.
If he is uncooperative tell him that your mind will be relieved by his being able to draw you a clock set at 10 minutes past 12. Tell him you will be relieved if he can spell a few words backwards for you. Tell him that you will be relieved if he can count down from one hundred subtracting by 7 five times in a row.
If he CAN do these things I would start with a good hearing exam.
You may need to be proactive. I would look to an attorney, a separation and a separation of legal assets if none of this works. It is utterly impossible to take care of a person descending into dementia who is not at all cooperative.
In your discusion mention:
- he himself knows he had a brain injury and was told the risks to his health and cognition.
- him having a check-up not only respects himself but respects you and makes your future together as good as it can be.
- you do not agree to carry on as either his wife or caregiver if he chooses to live in denial because you fear his worsening temper and uncooperativeness, which will make any future marriage and caregiving a living hell for you.
- to move forward as his wife and caregiver he agrees to see the doctor right away, agrees to make you his DPoA (if you aren't already) and agrees to carry through with any and all therapies and treatments recommended.
And then you must carry through with your decision, i.e. you will leave if he doesn't agree to the above. I honestly don't know how else to motivate someone in this situation. If he has an episode of explosive temper you can and should call 911. At that point they'll probably take him to the ER and maybe there he can be assessed. You have the option of telling the discharge office that he is an "unsafe discharge" due to his worsening temper and resistance to treatment.
The caregiving arrangement isn't working if it only works for one of the two people. I wish you success in getting him to the doctor, and peace in your heart no matter what transpires.
Years ago, my first husband had a sudden change in personality. I called his neurologist and explained what I was seeing.
The neuro called my then husband, asked him to come in (without mentioning my call) and changed up his meds, doc made up some story about the med having newly reported side effects.
Get in touch with the doctor soon.
In the meantime, don't bring up your fears of him having dementia b/c he may go ballistic on you. In case he does, call 911 and have him taken to the ER for a psych evaluation, which is probably the best idea ANYWAY. If he raises a hand to you, do not hesitate to call 911. If you do get him to agree to go to the doctor, see about sending him a message beforehand expressing your concerns and mention DHs explosive temper and your fears of dementia.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. I hope you stay safe and call 911 if and when you feel in danger.
My Mom had lost most of her hearing due to age related decline, and was still sharp in her early 90's. The fact that she had difficulty in hearing made others think she had dementia.
Let's not forget, some people just have "selective hearing". My sig-other does. If it isn't sports he is not focused :(