My husband is planning an ultimatum to force a sibling meeting on parental care. Advice?

I think your husband needs to re-think some definitions.

A family of adults is NOT a work team, and it has NO BOSS.
An elderly parent is NOT a retired business founder and is NOT a controlling shareholder.
ANYONE can quit.

The ‘LEADER’ probably lives closer, has fewer obligations, and sees themselves as the favored individual/ 'shining star'. “All they want” is for everyone else to “pull their weight’ so that they can keep their own happy self-image. For them, there is no Plan B.

Arguing with 'the leader' is a lost cause and a waste of time, unless everyone else in the mix agrees to 'sack' them.

DH is NOT under any obligation to anyone else – except his own wife and children.

I have said this so many times....THE PEOPLE NEEDING THE ASISTANCE NEED TO BE THE ONES TO COMPROMISE. OP please say that out loud.

Your MIL sounds like my grandmother. Everyone was terrified of displeasing this frail old lady like she held the power of life and death. Please tell me why her adult children cannot say no to her. What exactly can she do to them?

Your husband needs to tell his siblings that he can no longer keep up the pace. He needs to man up and tell his mother that he is not going to give up the other responsibilities in his life because she refuses to make changes to hers.

I understand the whole people pleaser type. I hate to disappoint others. But sometimes you just have to for your own well being. And the world does not stop when this happens. If he has been mowing her lawn he needs to stop and tell her to hire out. He will help her find someone but she is paying for it. If MIL can't afford it, then she shouldn't remain in her home. That is how it is. Remember your parents didn't give in to your every whim as a child so why are you giving in to their every whim now?

"Has anyone been in this situation? Tried an ultimatum?"
- Yes

"Have other ideas to ease the situation? I can't imagine it's going to end well".
- Ended very well actually. It forced CHANGE.

"So, he's basically trapped".
- No, not at all. It appears that way BUT he does have power here. Plenty of power.

"The family has always been very tight..."
- Tight..close.. but what COMMUNICATION?

".. and my husband is a "pleaser."
- That's about to change 😁
That's the very best bit!
Your DH is going to stand up for himself with his family. It can take practice.. but this is the way forward. Where adults communicate, respect each other. Respect when others say."No".

I am sure your husband is not the only one out of 5 siblings and I am going to assume a total of 5 spouses and heavens knows how many children are included in this insanity.
Are any in agreement with your husband that this method of caregiving is unsustainable? If so it is time to buck up and put on a united front with the ones that want to continue this.
You do not give any info on what is going on with his parents. BUT
If both are cognizant it is time to talk to the parents and tell them that this can not continue.
It is also time to tell the "leader" that this can not continue.
If you or he has a bit of time to search resources that will help with caregiving that might be a start.
If MIL or FIL are Veterans the VA might be of help.
Contact the local Senior Center, they probably have a Social Worker. Find out what resources they have that might get some help into the home.
Area Agency on Aging may also have suggestions.
IF there is resistance from anyone for getting help into the home then he has to pull up his big boy pants and tell the siblings that he can no longer continue the rotation. They will either have to take up the slack or they will realize he is the only sane one in the family and will begin to look for AL and it is very possible that with both of them in AL they will get the help they need 24/7.

I’m willing to bet if a better plan or agreement hasn’t been made by now, it’s not happening. Please encourage your husband not to sacrifice his own health and well being trying to make an impossible situation better. He needs to back out of the caregiving, no explanations or justifications needed, it’s all been gone over before. He can call his parents and check on them a few times a week. Let the POA have at the hands on stuff and don’t accept any guilt over it. That close knit sibling group is a fantasy, clearly several of them are after their own interests. If the time comes that the group is willing to honestly make changes, he can be available. Catering to unrealistic whims never helped anyone

I've been thinking about this some more - along the lines of how the other siblings are feeling. It is possible that he is the only one - but its not likely.

There is a story about a classroom of kids, high schoolers. Their teacher walks in the room with fish in a bowl of water. He sits it on his desk at the front of the classroom. He says "No matter what happens, you are not allowed to speak. You are not allowed to get out of your seats until I get back to the room. If you do, you will fail this class. No exceptions!"

And with that he scooped the fish out of the bowl and put it on his desk and walked out of the room.

The kids were all completely freaked out, the fish of course was going to die out of the water. They were all looking at each other. No one wanted to move - they didn't want to fail the class. No one spoke. No one got out of their desk. No one moved except to look at the fish and back at each other in horror.

FINALLY after what seemed like forever but could have only been seconds, one girl got up and ran up to the desk and scooped the fish up and put it back in the water. EVERYONE else in the room breathed a sigh of relief. Because they ALL wanted to do it, but no one had the courage to go first.

Perhaps you have that scenario with the rest of the siblings. Perhaps they all want to do this except the POA, but no one wants to be the first to speak up? Maybe not, but you never know. There are 6 siblings. Chances are at least one other sibling agrees. Chances are even better that at least half of them are in agreement. Because you mention that some have done far less than others - they are already establishing their boundaries. You mention that three refuse to discuss it including the POA. Are the other two in agreement with the POA? Or because they just want to go along to get along?

Everyone has other commitments.

I can't help but come back to WHY is the POA so invested in keeping the parents home? This is only going to get harder as time goes by. Without having a lot information - it seems to me that there is some ulterior motive for the POA insisting that they can ONLY stay in the home. Is there some inheritance? Did she make some promise to them to keep them in the home? What is pushing her to make sure they stay?

Back to the "fish story". What happened to the kids? What happened to the fish? The fish was of course fine because the girl stepped up and saved it. (the parents in this story) The teacher was of course watching them because it was a "social experiment" lesson for the class but she was REWARDED for her actions not punished. The other kids were grateful that she stepped up first and they didn't have to be the ones to make the first move because they wanted to but were too scared to do it. (the siblings) Because they KNEW they should, but they were scared of the consequences/repercussions if they did. But the girl that stepped out knew that she couldn't sit by any longer and let what was happening continue because nothing good was going to come of it.

It is scary sometimes to be the voice of reason crying out. But someone has to do it when everyone else is sitting on their hands and something needs to be done. Perhaps if your husband says we either look at alternatives or I have to stop doing this....the entire process hinges on EVERYONE participating....

Truth of the matter is that families can break up over caregiving . Some siblings have already been not doing a lot.

Your husband has to do what is healthy for him. Your husband backing out won’t change the dynamic that the other siblings have already started .

No one should feel like they have to do more than they are able to do. I did 90% of the caregiving for my parents . Asked for very little help from one nearby sibling .
I asked for no help from 3 far away siblings . One did offer and did help alittle towards the end . Two that did nothing act like I don’t exist .

Had I refused to take care of my parents, I don’t think would have made any difference in the siblings relationship .

The fact that I was the one that was expected to take care of my parents was placed on me by my mother .

The expectations put on the adult children by the elderly parents is what breaks the family apart as each child figures out how to deal with it.

Are both of your parents incompetent to make their own decisions?
Are THEY going to be at this family meeting?
Does anyone know their wishes for their own life, or is it that they expect the children they have to act as their slaves for the duration?

For me a family meeting of 5 siblings is somewhat like an attempt to herd cats. I would be skipping that part and moving directly to MY ROLE. The role I am willing to play.

Let me tell you, were I sibling #6 here I would tell everyone this by letter:
"Mom and Dad need now to enter care. The POA needs to assist them in doing their assets evaluation, and in finding the best placement for them. I cannot further participate in care because (whatever...live too far away, too busy in family and job, whatEVER). I can't make decisions for you but I have made my own. Love you all."
End of note. Signature.That would be the end of my sentence.

I think what is needed here is that whomever is POA (and I surely would think THAT has been done in all of this?) sits now with Mom and Dad and tells them that it isn't realistic now for the children to disrupt their lives/and to continue to enable them in denying changes they must make.
The POA (s?) need to tell (TELL) M&D that in the next six months there needs to be exploration of their assets, of their choices be that Board and Care, ALF, or whatever.

I will tell you the truth. Your husband will kill himself trying to bring parents and siblings into agreement.
I am with him but I would not attempt leadership (GOD FORBID!!!!) and I would not call a meeting. I would skip that part and move directly to "For my own health I am out of this. I leave it to the rest of you to argue this. Let me know when you come to a conclusion. I will let you know what I can do, what I am willing to do."

Will he lose siblings? Maybe. But I doubt whomever wants to scrabble will be much of a loss here.

So...speaking from experience. If he gives an ultimatum..he needs to be prepared to stand behind it. I've just recently given one myself with regards to my FIL's care - and I know that if it comes to pass, I'm going to have to be willing to stand behind what I said I would do if it did. I knew that when I said it and I thought long and hard about it before I did it because once you do- if you don't follow through with it, then no one will ever believe it if you take a stand again.

That being said - it sounds like he is pretty passionate about this- and I don't blame him a bit. Sometimes you just get to the point where you have to draw that line in the sand and say enough.

I think he owes it to himself to give it a shot to get his siblings corralled and talking about it, at least a quorum. Have the numbers in front of him. Go into it with the emotional side removed as much as possible. Go in with just the facts. Present them with the sheer number of hours that the family has spent caregiving for the parents. Outline the risks of removing even one healthy sibling from the mix. What happens then? Show them how much this is costing in work or business loss. Whatever he needs to show them the full range of the issue. And even potentially talk about where mom and dad started vs where they are now. There should be 14 months of data - did they start out able to handle most ADLs and now they are down to 25 % or something like that - and using that trend extrapolate that they will continue to trend down etc. Most places prefer that residents come to them ahead of the curve rather than emergent and the family in panic mode. In other words they should consider these things sooner rather than later.

If the POA is the one insisting that the parents stay home - then if they are not open to the conversation - it might be that the ultimatum is the only option and that your DH is just the first sibling to jump ship so to speak. If enough of the siblings follow suit, the POA will be forced to hire help to fill in the gaps, and then eventually will likely see the need to assess other options.

Unfortunately, I hate to say this, it is the position that our parents put us in sometimes by not having any plan for the time when their care becomes too much for home. And when there are multiple siblings it becomes a competition (and everyone becomes a child again sometimes trying to win mommy and daddy's love) when what everyone SHOULD be focused on is what is best for their parents and the rest of the family and not just about keeping them in their home. I would also posit the question - WHY is the POA so insistent no keeping them home? Is this the family home that the POA wants to preserve? Or is it that they want to honor a promise to not remove the parents from the home? Is there some underlying reason why the POA is not budging on this?

Acording to your posts here and from back in October, the harpies are quite dissatisfied with your husband's efforts.

So in his shoes, I would quit trying. "Nope, I can't do this any longer. You'll have to make other arrangements ".

Is this all an attempt by some siblings to save their inheritance?