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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Discuss with him and if he gets mad, point it out to him - calmly - I can see that when we talk about her you seem to get upset. I don't like to make you mad, so if you want to know something about mom, just ask.
These spouses/partners that try to use some kind of control over another to stop them from doing something... Yes, I see it as a form of control. And this sort of thing probably existed over other things in the years you've been married. As in, he didn't like Disney movies so you would let him change the channed mid-movie so he could binge on golf. He didn't really like to visit Aunt Betty and you knew on the way over there he wasn't happy, so you entered her front door saying 'we can't stay long' and you did cut your visit quite short. Little things, but the pouting, appearing not happy - it worked for him.
It comes down to not letting him make you change your plans just because you want to do something/visit someone that he's not interested in. I wouldn't be secretive. Just say, going to visit mom and I'll be gone a couple hours. You want to go? You want me to pick something up for you on my return home (don't let it be any errand that requires you to return home earlier than you planned). Above all, don't feel guilty that he stays home and don't feel guilty because you talk to others about things he's not interested in. You can teach an old dog new tricks!
I don't talk to my DH about my visits with mother. He doesn't care and he even seems to get angry when I go. Partly, I am sure, is due to the fact I will no longer accompany him when he goes to see his mother and his trying to guilt me into going no longer works. He calls me mean, selfish, unkind--which does not resonate with me as being a positive enticement to go visit his mom.
He's complained to the kids and they are all on my side. "Geez, dad, Grandma is a witch and she's been horrible to mom for 46 years! Why would you force her into seeing her? WE haven't seen her in years!"
He gets it. But it doesn't make him happy.
BTW, he hasn't seen my mom for 5+ years. Just saying.
If your mom is in a NH, you do not have to be there everyday, she has plenty of things to do. And your first 'job' is being a wife, IMHO. My DH does not suffer at ALL from my time away from mom.
Not disagreeing with you at all, your opinion. However, if being a wife is the first/primary job - the man she's married to should be held to same standard. His first and primary job is to be a husband. Both of these jobs include the well being of all the family members on both sides of the family. If one doesn't see it that way, that person changed the dynamic of 'we support each other'. Then you just gotta do what you gotta do and let the other one sulk.
We are all assuming here because we don't have the full picture. I will tell you that my DH is a good listener but there is a limit. You can talk things to death.
Your parents are in a nursing home I will assume with a Dementia. All their needs are being met. You just oversee their care now. How much do you visit? It does not have to be everyday. Doesn't have to be for hours at a time. If they have Dementia, they have no knowledge of time. Days run into each other. My Mom went to visit my Aunt. On the way out she ran into another Aunt going in. The Aunt going in says to the Aunt Mom just visited " I see P was here to visit" my Aunt said "P wasn't here". She forgot Mom was there after 5 min.
Cracks me up that if this was the other way around, members would be saying leave the husband if he is putting his parent first. Your marriage is #1. Look at what you are doing. Are you putting too much time into ur parents who are being well cared for? Are you worrying a little too much? Is there guilt involved for something you have no control over. If yes to these questions, maybe time to re-evaluate. Think a sit down with DH is a good idea. Him telling you what he needs and visa versa. With parents in a NH you now have time to do things together. Men have needs just like woman. They need to know they are wanted too.
I think there's more to it. Your husband may not even be aware that he's reacting so intensely. He may be feeling bad about himself and his care for his own parents, and it's triggered some deep emotions. In other words, it may not even be about you. Maybe some professional help can help uncover some of that for him.
Playing the Devil's advocate here but... How much time are you giving your parents that are in a facility that has staff that can care for them? What are you doing for your parents that are in a facility that has staff that can care for them? Are you shutting your husband out on these conversations because that is all you can talk about? You do not give an indication as to why they are in a "Nursing Home". Is it a Skilled Nursing facility? Or is it Memory Care? or Assisted Living?
They are in a facility that has trained staff that can care for them. Take a step back. Allow the staff to do their job, to do what they are being paid to do, what your parents are being charged for. Reconnect with your husband. Your priority when you get married is your husband then your children. Would your parents want you to be placing your marriage in jeopardy if they knew that the amount of time you were spending with them would cause a problem? I would guess not. Parents generally want what is best for their kids. (would you want one of your children to be in the position you are in, with their spouse upset with them because they are doing what you are doing?)
My father was resentful that I was a friend with my Mom./ so I can relate to this type of concern.
My suggestion to you is to do what you feel should be done for YOUR parents.
If your husband is that disgruntled just remind him that it's your parents now but could be his later. To not understand that you're doing what's not only right I feel is selfish.
*Is it costing out of your family budget? *Does it take away from your should be time with your husband? *Does he have living parents? If so, how is his relationship with his parents?
That may give you some insight on his attitude towards you showing love to yours.
If you are independent not having to.solely depend on your husband I say to h*ll with him. God will ask for answers from you not your husband. Be blessed.
Sounds like hubby is jealous because he's not getting the attention he wants? Or is he the controlling type? He is the one with a problem. Otherwise I'm not sure why he's being so illogical. Perhaps remind him that he might be in the same situation some day. He doesn't sound like a very supportive or empathetic person. You keep doing the good stuff! Good luck!
Is your husband resentful of the time you spend with your parents or the time and confidence you share with another relative? Is he feeling generally ignored and left out? Or perhaps disrespected because you don't want to hear his complaints but instead go to someone more agreeable?
He can’t have it both ways. He’s very lucky, as you are that you’re not caregiving for your aged parent in your home (like i am). Your parents are in care and yet you still are caring for them? By that I assume that you visit them regularly etc but it’s not 24/7 and 365 days a year that they need your care. Your husband needs to pull his head in and give you more compassion, support and understanding. Probably easier said than done. He clearly doesn’t want you turning to a close relative to get support and to listen. He sounds extremely selfish, because he doesn’t want to listen to your anguish or problems relating to your parents, but he doesn’t want you airing your problems to anyone else either.
Being a caretaker has lots of landmines, doesn't it? If your relationship with your husband is one you want to keep, you may find a different path will help avoid this landmine. Until you and he understand what is really going on, it is unlikely to change but could get worse. It's what I call "getting them to Phoenix". You could help someone figure out the best way for them to get there but there is one thing you must know first. Where are they now?
I know you realize anger and resentment are symptoms of other feelings. And of course husbands aren't always able or eager to talk about those feelings. Let me suggest asking questions and exploratory statements rather than "discussing", at least to understand what he is really thinking and feeling.
Yes, you must have someone who will listen without judging. You also deserve to have someone who will support you and that could be your husband.
When he makes a comment, ask if he will tell you more about that. Avoid statements like "tell me what you are feeling" and "let's talk"--you knew that! Also avoid asking why he feels or acts a certain way. "Why" questions put people on the defensive.
Since you put this question under the Alzheimers/Dementia category, provide no details about your husband or info in your profile, are we to assume your husband suffers from dementia and that's why he's so mad and resentful of you caring for your parents?
If so, your DHs brain is broken and you can't expect him to have empathy or understanding for you; that part of him is gone now. He's only concerned with himself and his own well being now, which means that he expects you to spend ALL of your time with him, caring for him, and devoting yourself to his issues, nobody else's. You should indeed discuss the matter with a close relative b/c this person is better able and equipped to hear what you're saying and provide you with empathy & understanding/guidance, etc. Just don't tell DH who you're talking to, remembering that he has dementia and is no longer able to think logically or rationally about things, as you are.
If dementia is going on with DH, I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
If that's not the case and your DH doesn't have dementia and is just acting entitled to all of your time, well, then that's another kettle of fish entirely that requires different comments.
You may want to clarify yourself and your situation a bit more so you'll get better comments more pertinent to what you're going thru.
You say your parents are in a Nursing Home. That doesn't mean they don't need your loving support and visits. Might you tell us what a week looks like for you? In terms of time spent with hubby versus time spent with the folks? Have you sat and actually DISCUSSED this face to face with him? Have you asked him exactly what is upsetting to him? Are there places he wants to go, things he wants to do with you that he cannot............because? Or are you overwrought and upset after meeting with the folks? I don't know what kind of neglect hubby is feeling, but it seems there is something stuck in his craw that should be spit out. That is unless he is in general not happy with being "in control " of you. I am certain anything we say here is a simple guess dependent on ifs. We cannot know your marriage, nor how happy it is overall and how satisfied you each are in the relationship on many levels. I sure hope you just have a good sit down with him.Be certain you talk when things are calm and pleasant, not when it comes after a complaint or in an unhappy time. Just approach gently. For instance: "I hear you you say that you don't think I should spend so much time with my folks, or worrying about my folks. Can you tell me what bothers you about the time I spend?" Good luck.
Some of this depends on exactly what are you doing.
Ignoring him, spending too much time with your parents, are they your priorty? Is it affecting your time together to visit others, have outings, vacations with him?
Sometimes caretakers forget that they have other family members who have needs as well, is that what you have done?
I would think about these things, it might be time to do some reevaluating.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
These spouses/partners that try to use some kind of control over another to stop them from doing something... Yes, I see it as a form of control. And this sort of thing probably existed over other things in the years you've been married. As in, he didn't like Disney movies so you would let him change the channed mid-movie so he could binge on golf. He didn't really like to visit Aunt Betty and you knew on the way over there he wasn't happy, so you entered her front door saying 'we can't stay long' and you did cut your visit quite short. Little things, but the pouting, appearing not happy - it worked for him.
It comes down to not letting him make you change your plans just because you want to do something/visit someone that he's not interested in. I wouldn't be secretive. Just say, going to visit mom and I'll be gone a couple hours. You want to go? You want me to pick something up for you on my return home (don't let it be any errand that requires you to return home earlier than you planned). Above all, don't feel guilty that he stays home and don't feel guilty because you talk to others about things he's not interested in. You can teach an old dog new tricks!
He's complained to the kids and they are all on my side. "Geez, dad, Grandma is a witch and she's been horrible to mom for 46 years! Why would you force her into seeing her? WE haven't seen her in years!"
He gets it. But it doesn't make him happy.
BTW, he hasn't seen my mom for 5+ years. Just saying.
If your mom is in a NH, you do not have to be there everyday, she has plenty of things to do. And your first 'job' is being a wife, IMHO. My DH does not suffer at ALL from my time away from mom.
Your parents are in a nursing home I will assume with a Dementia. All their needs are being met. You just oversee their care now. How much do you visit? It does not have to be everyday. Doesn't have to be for hours at a time. If they have Dementia, they have no knowledge of time. Days run into each other. My Mom went to visit my Aunt. On the way out she ran into another Aunt going in. The Aunt going in says to the Aunt Mom just visited " I see P was here to visit" my Aunt said "P wasn't here". She forgot Mom was there after 5 min.
Cracks me up that if this was the other way around, members would be saying leave the husband if he is putting his parent first. Your marriage is #1. Look at what you are doing. Are you putting too much time into ur parents who are being well cared for? Are you worrying a little too much? Is there guilt involved for something you have no control over. If yes to these questions, maybe time to re-evaluate. Think a sit down with DH is a good idea. Him telling you what he needs and visa versa. With parents in a NH you now have time to do things together. Men have needs just like woman. They need to know they are wanted too.
How much time are you giving your parents that are in a facility that has staff that can care for them?
What are you doing for your parents that are in a facility that has staff that can care for them?
Are you shutting your husband out on these conversations because that is all you can talk about?
You do not give an indication as to why they are in a "Nursing Home". Is it a Skilled Nursing facility? Or is it Memory Care? or Assisted Living?
They are in a facility that has trained staff that can care for them.
Take a step back.
Allow the staff to do their job, to do what they are being paid to do, what your parents are being charged for.
Reconnect with your husband.
Your priority when you get married is your husband then your children. Would your parents want you to be placing your marriage in jeopardy if they knew that the amount of time you were spending with them would cause a problem? I would guess not. Parents generally want what is best for their kids. (would you want one of your children to be in the position you are in, with their spouse upset with them because they are doing what you are doing?)
My suggestion to you is to do what you feel should be done for YOUR parents.
If your husband is that disgruntled just remind him that it's your parents now but could be his later. To not understand that you're doing what's not only right I feel is selfish.
*Is it costing out of your family budget?
*Does it take away from your should be time with your husband?
*Does he have living parents? If so, how is his relationship with his parents?
That may give you some insight on his attitude towards you showing love to yours.
If you are independent not having to.solely depend on your husband I say to h*ll with him. God will ask for answers from you not your husband. Be blessed.
Your parents are in care and yet you still are caring for them? By that I assume that you visit them regularly etc but it’s not 24/7 and 365 days a year that they need your care. Your husband needs to pull his head in and give you more compassion, support
and understanding. Probably easier said than done. He clearly doesn’t want you turning to a close relative to get support and to listen. He sounds extremely selfish, because he doesn’t want to listen to your anguish or problems relating to your parents, but he doesn’t want you airing your problems to
anyone else either.
I know you realize anger and resentment are symptoms of other feelings. And of course husbands aren't always able or eager to talk about those feelings. Let me suggest asking questions and exploratory statements rather than "discussing", at least to understand what he is really thinking and feeling.
Yes, you must have someone who will listen without judging. You also deserve to have someone who will support you and that could be your husband.
When he makes a comment, ask if he will tell you more about that. Avoid statements like "tell me what you are feeling" and "let's talk"--you knew that! Also avoid asking why he feels or acts a certain way. "Why" questions put people on the defensive.
If so, your DHs brain is broken and you can't expect him to have empathy or understanding for you; that part of him is gone now. He's only concerned with himself and his own well being now, which means that he expects you to spend ALL of your time with him, caring for him, and devoting yourself to his issues, nobody else's. You should indeed discuss the matter with a close relative b/c this person is better able and equipped to hear what you're saying and provide you with empathy & understanding/guidance, etc. Just don't tell DH who you're talking to, remembering that he has dementia and is no longer able to think logically or rationally about things, as you are.
If dementia is going on with DH, I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
If that's not the case and your DH doesn't have dementia and is just acting entitled to all of your time, well, then that's another kettle of fish entirely that requires different comments.
You may want to clarify yourself and your situation a bit more so you'll get better comments more pertinent to what you're going thru.
Might you tell us what a week looks like for you? In terms of time spent with hubby versus time spent with the folks?
Have you sat and actually DISCUSSED this face to face with him? Have you asked him exactly what is upsetting to him? Are there places he wants to go, things he wants to do with you that he cannot............because? Or are you overwrought and upset after meeting with the folks?
I don't know what kind of neglect hubby is feeling, but it seems there is something stuck in his craw that should be spit out. That is unless he is in general not happy with being "in control " of you.
I am certain anything we say here is a simple guess dependent on ifs. We cannot know your marriage, nor how happy it is overall and how satisfied you each are in the relationship on many levels.
I sure hope you just have a good sit down with him.Be certain you talk when things are calm and pleasant, not when it comes after a complaint or in an unhappy time. Just approach gently. For instance:
"I hear you you say that you don't think I should spend so much time with my folks, or worrying about my folks. Can you tell me what bothers you about the time I spend?"
Good luck.
Ignoring him, spending too much time with your parents, are they your priorty? Is it affecting your time together to visit others, have outings, vacations with him?
Sometimes caretakers forget that they have other family members who have needs as well, is that what you have done?
I would think about these things, it might be time to do some reevaluating.