My FIL has been living with us for the last 5-6 years. He has dementia which is worsening. Recently he has become incontinent of urine and stool, having frequent falls and his confusion is worse. He has a caregiver during the day. My husband is burned out and resentful (as am I). He can hardly stand to talk to him anymore. My FIL has always been a very stubborn man and is an alcoholic. Initially we decided to let him have his wine but with all the recent issues I’ve decided to wean him off with his doctors approval. On top of this we work full time and have two kids. I think my husband has incredible guilt about placing him in a home because he knows his dad’s wishes were always to stay home but I think at this point he would get better care in a professional setting. I’ve tried explaining this to him stating we can’t think about what he wants anymore. We have to think about what’s best for him.
My husband is not flat out against it but I’m definitley sensing resistance. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I literally came home this morning after working 14 hours to him covered in feces, wearing underwear on the outside of his pants, refusing to get bathed because his caregiver took his wine away. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to persuade my husband to see we are getting in over our heads? I really don’t want to be “that wife” that makes him choose between his dad or his wife/family. Despite all of this we do have a good marriage but I feel like I’m at the end of my rope here.
I had to explain to my mom, that her own mother (my grandmother) wouldn't want to see her only daughter struggling like she was. And I asked her, if you were in the same shoes, would you want me to take care of you and struggle. Her answer was an immediate no. Sending her away is not being a bad daughter, it's best for her since she will get professional care and you will not be so drained everyday as your health is started to get effected.
It took a while for her to come around but finally did find a facility for my grandmother. It may just take some more time for your husband to come around. It's definitely not an easy decision and hard to be logical when it's your own parent.
Wishing you the best!
Have your kids said anything to you about their grandfather? have they stopped having their friends over? do they try to avoid him? - if any 'yes' to these questions then maybe it is time for the kids' sake too because they can grow up resenting you for putting that burden on them - talk it over with hubby about how the situation effects the kids because your first responsibility is to them not FIL
Have you started watering down that wine? start at about 10% & gradually increase it until you get to where he is noticing it which should be about 75% - it is the habit of having something tasty in his glass - even use white grape juice as part of the watering system
I would encourage your husband to look at this through what is best for his dad, not his personal feelings. I'm sorry, but we are not obligated to suffer endlessly for combative, mean and nasty family. You have got to do everything possible to keep your marriage in a healthy place, as well as being the parents you need to be for your kids, who count on you. If your FIL is like others I have read about on this site, I would guess that his unpleasant behavior is nothing new. So many grown children continue to have an often well meaning, but misguided sense of what they are obligated to do. I can only tell you that in our situation, my FIL is on the last step before going into a home (i.e. needing a feeding tube/ incontinence) ... I flat out refuse to handle this - and like you and your hubs, I can't hardly stand to look at him. I try to limit as many interactions as possible, which is not easy considering we live in a small, open house where HE is everywhere is seems. If you can't seem to help you hubs understand, perhaps a counselor on aging or some other type of professional help may be of assistance. To be sure, I don't think anyone "goes" willingly, but you have to stand strong and do what has to be done. He will get over it. Please safeguard your marriage and sanity. Keep us posted.
Dear husband:
I have been in your shoes.
I started helping my dad 15 years ago when my mom died. He was in relatively good health, both physically and mentally at that time. As time went on, I had to devote more and more time to help him with the simple things in life and around the house.
After his PCP diagnosed him with cognitive impairment and told me he should not be left alone anymore, I was on my own to find people to help me: my sister lived eight hours away in another state, and my brother’s suggestion was to put him in a facility. Dad asked me to keep him at home as long as possible; I agreed provided that he stayed physically capable/mobile. I had the opportunity to retire early, and since I had no other family obligations, (no spouse or children) I became his full-time caregiver, hiring help as I could to split the days and shifts with me. 14 years later when he entered the late middle stage of Lewey body dementia, I started searching for facilities nearby because my health/quality of life was suffering also: no respite from the situation because if someone needed time off I was the fill-in, constantly taking care of his house/property and my own. My sister, brother and his son helped here and there.
When I moved him to this facility, I was very stressed about how he would acclimate. I needed not to worry, because he never knew the difference. He had plenty of pretty ladies to pay attention to him and he was past the point of knowing if he was at home or not. He is in a safe environment, regular meals, maintenance, housekeeping and laundry provided, and plenty of people there to help him. More importantly, I can enjoy our visits as a daughter rather than being the caregiver, housekeeper, groundskeeper, etc.
You’ve been the loving son; you provided for him as long as you could. Your duty now is to your wife and children. Assess your father‘s financial situation, search for a facility that will fit his needs, move him there, remain that loving son and be the loving husband and father to your family that they want and need. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
and I was not sure if they had drugged their residents. But, they were all hanging over their chairs and no one talking I brought my kids into the picture. They were so thankful as they are all very busy with their lives. The place I chose to live in has the option of AL should I need it. My kids and I have collected all my resources, set up a budget and they have committed themselves to adding funds when needed. One of my kids is a teacher and there will be no contribution from her. Their income is so low. I do received SS so I will be making my own payments until I cannot do that anymore. My rent is $2575.00 a month. It is SO high. It will clean out my savings. BUT, my God knows my financial situation. Your father would ENJOY the people around him. Be very selective. Talk to people who live in the "home" and have a meal to see if they have decent food. You will make it, but he has to accept he needs to move now. Tell your husband he is not doing his father any favor keeping him at home
What an amazing mother you are!! You have obviously put your children's needs ahead of your wants, as I bet you have their whole lives. They are very lucky to have had such a wonderful mom!! You have also given excellent advice here.
Emotions will Always give the wrong answers
I find the Korean Spa is a big help to me for relaxation and clearing my mind
When we take on a man we take on all their karma good and bad
Your father in law is clearly a chronic alcoholic, the confusion and incontinence go along with the drinking. He may do well with a medical detox
Stopping all alcohol abruptly is ill advised
To you he is just a disgusting and irritating man who is bothering you life and messing up your house
However to your husband he is a father that he loves dearly.
If you push your husband in a direction he doesn't want to go you may be putting cracks in your marriage.
Loving caring good men are not easy to find. Think carefully
There are always a number of solutions to any problem
Either living at your home, or a care facility are not the only possibilities.
Its just a matter of having a clear mind to See the possibilities. And from there to
make the best fitting solution
You are not dealing with this gentleman, you are dealing with yourself
Good luck on your journey...fair winds :)
And then my friend was told old to have children (she married) late. This wrecked their marriage, and they divorced shortly after that.
Unfortunately, you are at the point where your husband needs to be told that you will move out of the house if the FIL continues to live there. If this goes on much longer, it will damage your relationship with him. It isn't fair to you that he is putting you in this situation.
1. Measure out his alcohol. My mom “wants” hers, too, so we pour 90 percent of it into another container, leaving only a glass or two. When it’s “gone”...we shrug and state, “well, we’’ll get some more tomorrow “ and refill it the next day. (Or have the caregiver do so...)
2. Ask him and yourself what memory is important in the end. They’ve stopped being your parent and became a patient....and a patient who will have no memory of your sacrifice. Resentment will last longer than the pleasant memories of what he was before he was “sick” ...and it takes a long time to detox from that.
3. We are not in “his/her position, so we can’t reverse the situation if it applied to us. Our mind isn’t turning against us, theirs is and even if we get diagnosed with it, we won’t know what’s going on any more than they are at this time
for all of us experiencing it, they call it the long goodbye for this reason. You have to say goodbye at some point and detach.
It doesn’t make it easier to realize you can’t do anything but your best, but sometimes what’s best is that a professional does what they’re trained to do over what a family can accomplish...even if it’s in another place like a nursing home. Will anyone like it? Probably not but if it’s the best thing...especially now, then it’s the best thing for him, your husband, you, your family and everyone’s sanity...because the patients mind can’t decide that for you to relieve the guilt or frustration
And what state please
My mother had always insisted that she would not go into a home and even though she suffers from dementia now, Dad wanted to honor her wishes. My older brothers who both live 3 hours away hadn't visited since May, one week after I had last visited and as I'm sure we all know the downhill slide for elderly people can be quite significant within a 3-4 month period.
Unfortunately the duty fell on my shoulders to find a home, get them in, clean out their apartment etc, etc. while one brother refuses to speak to me because I could not get them into a long term care facility closer to him. (My brother has always lived in a state of denial. When his MIL had a stroke and required a wheelchair it was his opinion that she wasn't 'trying hard enough to walk'.)
I tell you from my recent experience that it's not easy but it is necessary. Assuming your husband is a reasonable man I would ask him to read some of the responses you will receive and failing that, at least take the time to read the other questions and answers on this forum that are pertinent to your situation. You've got a lot on your plate and I wish you luck and will say a prayer for everyone that has found their way to this forum.