My husband thinks I'm choosing my parents over him. What do I do?

Definitely get outside help soon! Caring for elderly parents can put undue strain on the best of marriages. Sometimes we can focus too much on parents needs, (maybe out of a sense of duty or guilt) and neglect our first priority: our spouse & marriage. When my husband ended up in the ER with tachycardia from anxiety & stress, it was my wakeup call.
Take care of yourself and make every effort to keep your marriage bond strong!

I believe it should be husband, children then parents. I say this because I think children have been made the center of the family. Yes, they have needs that need to be met but they are part of a whole. A couple needs to make sure each other's needs are met too.

About ur parents...their needs are becoming more. Do you have siblings. It's time for a sit down. They need to be shown that they need help and it's time to find help that you Can't take care of two households. If they have no dementia maybe they should consider a Independent living. They r not too expensive and they can have their meals there. Transportation to shopping and appts.

Weighing in again...sheesh! It's too bad this devolved into a man versus woman versus man discussion. We ARE all in this together, individuals, family, communities. My husband, the one who said of my mom, "if she moves in, I move out," is a sensitive, sweet, caring and strong person and had my best interests at heart as well as his own. He knew my mother had been quite rough on me emotionally in the past, and he always defended me from her barbs. I protected not only his wishes but mine, and also strongly considered that MOM would be happier where she had a lot of people around her in an assisted living facility. Thus it was a relatively easy decision to work that out, no guilt. Every situation is different. Be supportive, loving, a good daughter/son and help your parents to be safe and cared for. But martyrdom is for saints, not humans.

I will chime in here in my usual cynical way... but this subject is real. We have heard from wives who feel abandoned when hubby is totally consumed by parents. EACH SITUATION IS DIFFERENT.

Several years ago, before dad went into the NH, the way he treated us was beyond abusive, it was horrible. My husband had just had it. He told me....I am not divorcing you.....but I am divorcing your father. Yes, it was just that bad for us. My husband did not see or set foot in my father's house for over 6 months. You know what? I did not blame him. I was relieved in a way that our situation had not totally destroyed our marriage.

I guess my point is that when a spouse puts their foot down.....it bears listening to. Spouse and children must come first, unless you really want to spend the rest of our days alone and bitter.

With all the helpful hints on this site, first of all thank you to everyone. Great hints, and stories. Your input is fabulous. And everyone give yourself a hug! We are Warriors Always putting ourselves last. It’s not easy taking care of someone. And giving up ones life to take care of someone else, especially when they don’t see the hard work , is tough. But remember, don’t forget about you. And no it’s not selfish to have me time. Take care of you, is all about what I can say. Don’t get lost in them.

I am a woman married to a kind, generous, loving man and I was in OP husbands shoes. It is so difficult to always be the one that has to wait, the one they are to tired to talk to, the one sitting at home wondering if you'll be cancelling that special dinner, again. I could go on and on about the hurt and the struggle to not be bitter at a dying person. It is no small feat to sit patiently by and wait to get your life back. So for all of you that have criticized this poor man and preached divorce you should feel ashamed for judging a situation you have never lived, it's easy to be an armchair quarterback.

Polar bear, kudos to you for calling em what they are, bitter men haters.

How would any one of us feel if the shoe was on the other foot (spouse-wise)? What if your spouse's priorities suddenly changed away from you and your home, committing to an open-ended time frame and possibly unlimited resources (time, money, time away from employment, time away from household chores)...and you had no say in it? And if you said anything you would be labeled whiny or selfish? Probably pretty helpless and frustrated. Stop telling her that her husband needs to suck it up for the good of all. He has probably been placed in a bad spot as well but has limited control or say of what is happening. And, he's the bad-guy for standing up for himself (and possibly for looking out for his wife's well-being).

polarbear,

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spread2thin- I'm sorry if I hikejack your thread, but I need to defend men against misandry. Some women are MEN HATERS who use broad strokes to paint a bad picture of ALL men. I hope you're married to a good man, and it sounded like it because you said 'he wanted to help but didn't think it would be like this.' It is too much, too demanding of your time and his.

Don't listen to these men haters. They probably had bad experience with SOME men, and now they hate all men. They hate your husband. They hate my husband. And they hate everyone else's husband. They call all men selfish and babies. They don't care that they insult everyone's husband, fathers, grandfathers, uncles, sons, grandsons, and nephews including their own.

Don't listen to these men haters. If you do, you might end up like them, single, or divorced and bitter about men.

I will not say anymore about the subject of misandry on your thread. Any men hater wants to respond to ME, you can send me your hate messages privately.

I would like to add to my previous response. In my case, both sets of parents said & lived by the adage of spouse/marriage 1st. They did what they could for their aging parents but never ever at the expense of their own marriages. That is why they lived to grow old together — something my husband & I are entitled to do as well.

My FIL, in fact, put his wife 1st up until the day he died — by expecting/insisting his local children and I cater to her every whims. And whims they were. Now that he is gone she has done a 180 and is doing things for herself that she didn’t do for over 10 years. Like getting up from the couch and going to the bathroom instead of sitting and spoiling herself.

Because I didn’t set boundaries and tried to fill in all the gaps for my widowed mother, I became overwhelmed, unhappy, and totally stressed. Her needs didn’t come all at once; they were gradual over time. I was justifying it to myself by saying “she needs me”, “she can’t do it herself”, “she raised me”, “she was there for me when I needed her”, “my husband is a grown man & should understand”, “my sons are young adults now & don’t need me”, “I am showing my sons that we always help each other regardless of the cost”, and a whole host of other reasonings. I realize now what I was doing was convincing MYSELF because I didn’t know how to set boundaries. My mom, in her clear moments, would thank me for all I was doing but insist my husband & marriage came 1st, to not take them for granted. Wise advice from someone battling dementia.

When my (normally supportive, sensitive, and compassionate) husband would get pouty or feel neglected, it was because I put our needs on the back burner. He was missing US. And he was also concerned for my health and emotional needs but didn’t know how to express that. Or maybe I wasn’t up to hearing what he had to say, so his actions would speak louder than any words that I would hear. Now, being on the other side, I realize his actions weren’t out of selfishness, they were out of love & concern for me. It wasn’t him that was making me choose, it was the disease. I can’t say it was my mother making me choose, as she herself was frightened, lonely, and frustrated trying to cope with the awful disease that was taking over her life. As was my brother was when he was battling lung cancer and the family was long-distance caregiving for him while simultaneously for Mom.

After I accepted my limitations, set boundaries, and got much-needed help, life got better for ALL of us. She was safe, which was of utmost importance. I was calmer with Mom, which made her calmer. I wasn’t on guard 24/7, becoming tense every time the phone rang or I got a text or making the hour-drive to/from her home or wondering what I would find when I walked in. My husband and I were back to US, spending much-needed time together. I didn’t have a perpetual tense face or demeanor about me (something one of my son’s friends commented!). The list goes one.

As someone here said on another forum, look after their needs, not necessarily their wants.  That was extremely helpful, especially with my single, always self-absorbed brother.  

Another posting from a while back — She can want anything she wants to want, she can expect anything she can imagine, she can fantasize about anything. None of her wants, expectations, or fantasies require you to do anything. She is entitled to them, but they don’t obligate anyone else.

“Sorry, I cannot possibly do that” is becoming our new, most-used expression. And it’s hard because there is always someone out there ready to criticize and guilt us into doing something they feel we “should be” doing. Hugs to you. I hope you set your boundaries and find your balance soon.

(Sorry, I didn’t mean to write so much)

Men are often selfish, and making hard decisions at this time is not picnic . You need there support as well. But you know what your up against when they don’t help, because you could be the next victim of something serious. You could end up needing help. So get prepare to get help for them and you. If it’s hiring out do it, if it’s letting someone doing cooking do it, get some me time in to. Men don’t prioritize and organize the way women do they just don’t think like we do . Aging is not fun, and having a partner that doesn’t help is worse. So women take the helm, and prioritize for your needs , if they don’t want to help, tell them to get out of the way.

If one chooses wisely, one will not have a baby for a husband. One will have a strong partner who deserves the same.

Spread2thin: You will have to hire help using their funds.

Tell him to grow a pair.. Men are such needy babies :\

Determine if he is really worth it, because some just aren't.

My boyfriend wanted me to have my Dad live elsewhere but I knew that I owed Dad so much for all the years he helped me. Sometimes we have to put it into perspective and realize that having fun might be more appealing, but in the long run, choose the one who has been there for you from the start. When the boyfriend (or fair-weather husband) finds someone he'd rather be with, at least you know you've stuck by the one who really cared all those years ago and needs you now.

At the end of your life, if you see yourself enjoying your partner and you have a good relationship....put that relationship first. My one regret is that I put my father first and my children suffered for it. You cant get those years back, ever.

Boundaries, get help, get counseling...whatever it takes!!

In an ideal partnership, you don’t have situations like these. Each partner would intuitively know and understand what the other one needs. A good partner would never ask you to choose!

Typically, you care for one’s own children until they come of age and can fend for themselves. Up until that time, responsibility towards one’s own children takes precedence over anything else because you and your spouse put them on this Earth.

Your responsibility towards your spouse is life-long because you committed to a marriage vow to stand by each other through thick and thin.

Your parents took care of you, when you were most vulnerable. So, you do have an inherent responsibility to take care of them, when they are at their vulnerable part of their lives.

Finally, you do have a responsibility towards yourself in terms of health and life’s pursuits.

You can’t choose to neglect any one of them. So, what to do, when there’s only one of you.

PRIORITIZE! You prioritize based on the urgency of requirements and plan better by making smart decisions.

And I'm sure your husband does help! There is a big difference between helping and making your parents the center of yours and your husband's universe.

What is causing the trips to the ER? Remove unstable furniture and area rugs that could be causing them to slip, trip, and fall. Remove clutter so that they are not running obstacle courses. Check for adequate lighting and install night lights in hallways and in the bathroom.

Insist that they use walkers/rollators/canes.

Get them a pendant to call for help if they fall and cannot get up.

Do what you can to make their home safer for them. If they forbid you from doing, accept their choices and refrain from letting their bad choices run your life!

With ALL respect to the responders.... your spouse and kids must come first. I have found that my father, who recently had to go to rehab/AL, became very selfish and self centered, wanting me and my mother to go there daily to watch him lay in bed, bring him food he wanted and would not eat the food served there, and just generally demanding all our time. I was going daily until I realized i was getting TIRED and had not done one thing for my home, not even go to the grocery store for 3 weeks. I laid down the boundaries because he made it clear that he would drag me and my mom down with him and not give a darn. Yet he’s the one who caused himself to be there, by not using his walker. Not using a wheelchair. Refusing to do anything other than what was detrimental to himself. I won’t allow guilt to overcome me, as his decisions throughout his life have brought him to this point. Will I still help? Yes, as much as I can without overwhelming myself. I might mention that my mother suddenly become incapable of making a decision or driving herself anywhere when he went in, so I took on that additional burden of managing her life too. It is too much. Anyone who can give the time and care give full time for a sick mother/father is an angel.. I am not.

Spread2thin, I hear you loud and clear. Been there! Done that! My husband was the one that pushed for my mother to come live with us. Of course, I was grateful for the support, but it turn our life stressful which I knew deep down would happen. He started to feel resentful and pouty for the lack of him being the center of attention. He never said it, but acted like a 2 yr old having a tantrum every time my mother's demand for attention, constantly, cut into our time. I needed help with this very stressful situation with a very demanding mother. It was the start of our journey with Dementia which I was in denial about. I did call Senior Services to see if we qualified for help which we did. It was a relief. At least, my husband and I were able to get away for a few hours a couple of times a week for some us time. It didn't totally solve the stress but sure helped. Now that my mother is in a memory care facility I have a new found freedom. I know she is safe and I can just be a daughter again. My husband and I are cherishing our new found freedom. It did take me most of a year to get through the guilt process of not being capable of being superwoman to care for my mother. Once I worked through the self imposed guilt, it is getting much better. Look into what help is available and try to evaluate the situation. Senior Services can be a great help in the evaluation process. I have been schooling my daughters on what I'll need when the time comes and how they are not to give up their lives. I have introduced them to the wonderful world of getting help and not feeling guilty. Good luck in your journey! You'll find a lot of incredible people with sound advice on this site. I sure did!!!!

Someday, we will all need to take our own advice. My mother-in-law lived with my SIL for at least 5 years. She was unable to do anything for herself. After she passed, my SIL became very ill from rheumatoid arthritis and is now chair-bound. Outside help is needed! Hospice may be able find volunteers to sit with the parent.
My own Daughter-in-law wrecked her own marriage because of her mother, who was in a home, but she still sat by her side and did everything, including bringing her laundry home to wash and fold (because she said the home was losing her mother's stuff). DIL wouldn't go on weekend trips with her husband, and found out late that he chose another who would.

Spread2thin, this is an little addition to my other comment. My mom and I had a "difficult" relationship for years, to say the least, and it took a long time for her to even accept my help Her safety and well-being came first, though. Having her come live with me and husband would have been a disaster and not the best thing for Mom as we both worked. As it turned out, she loved her 2nd AL facility and made friends there. My relationship with Mom improved greatly after she became more settled. I still checked in on her and brought her some favorite things at least weekly, and I don't regret those times at all. Safer mom and happier husband. You can find ways to do both.

The first thing I would do (and did) is to make sure to protect my relationship with my husband. Yes, your parents will continue to need more and more care as time goes on. The "broken jaw" sends off alarm bells that, if they are not in assisted living yet, you should really look into this. Financially it can be very expensive, but I found that some places charge less for the same or better care. It takes research. I watched out for my widowed mother for quite a while to help her maintain her home, nutrition, and independence, but it came to a point where it was really no longer feasible. She fell out of bed for the second time (that I know of), and she cut her face on some furniture. I didn't live with her, so the Lifeline people called the ambulance and got her to a hospital. As it turned out, this was the last time she lived in her home. She went to a rehabilitation facility and refused to leave rehab when her Medicare stopped paying! She wanted to go back home but really could not so that safely. I had to explore options including living with me and my husband, or assisted living. Mom fought not to go into any AL, but husband told me, "If she moves in, I move out." So obviously I worked that out. It was a financial burden, but eventually things smoothed out. She was able to qualify for VA aid and attendance benefits Medicaid. Thank goodness. Look into all the resources available and be patient with yourself and the process. Be kind to yourself and keep your husband happy. There will still be sacrifices for everyone, but you won't regret making sure your parents are in the right place. My heart goes out to you, Spread2thin, but you can get through this. Best of luck.

Spread2thin, wow, advise from spouses come and go, to its Gods will for us to care for our parents. As if these situations aren't complicated enough. I am not in your shoes but, if I had let my dad guilt me into being his sole caregiver I could be. Your husband feels neglected, his feelings should not be ignored, unless he is and always has been a narcissistic sob, I'm thinking if he agreed to help then that would be a no. Narcissist are never willing to help, only make a pretense because they are getting something out of it.
My dad actually told my husband if he left, then everything would be fine, meaning he would move into my home and I would be his personal slave, even though he told me many years ago to never f****ng call him again because he had a new family and I would not be his or her doormat, therefore I didn't matter. You did not specify if your parents were the Loving nurturing kind or the completely dysfunctional ones. I think this makes a lot of difference it what we can offer. I found my way out of the insanity that was breed and beat into us as children, I am not willing to give up the joy and peace and happiness that The Lord made of my life. I do not think caregiving is a one answer fits all. I read posts and bawl for what I never had with my parents and I bawl for the ones that had great parents and are now losing them to age and/or disease. You know the answer but, my point being that caring for your parents does not mean forfeiture of your marriage or life. I placed my dad where I knew he would be well cared for and all of his needs would be met, I never added his happiness into the equation, if he wanted that 1st and foremost, I think he should have made different choices. Do I want him to be happy, of course but, I can not give up my life because he does or doesn't want something. This behaviour is manipulating and unacceptable. The roof is falling in but, I don't want strangers in the house, you comply effectively becoming the roofer, doesn't matter what it cost you, they got their wishes and wants fulfilled. The more times you are effectively manipulated the more bold it becomes, in my experience. You obviously love your husband and value your marriage, or you would not have asked. It is the hardest thing ever to decide to have others care for your parents and more times then not, it is the kindest, most loving thing you can do for them. I mean honestly would you be all good that you let your marriage fail due to your parents wishes and wants, can you honestly say you would not feel the least bit of resentment or anger that they wouldn't accept help from anyone but you to the destruction of your marriage. Caring for our parents does not necessarily mean fetch and carry, tote and haul. It means making sure they are safe and their needs are met.

Search your heart, you will find the answers. Be truthful to yourself and don't do things from the position of fear, obligation or guilt. Peace to you through this trying journey.

Please come back and let us know how things are going.

That's a hard one. Because as hard as it is on you, it may actually be harder on your husband. Those are not his parents, and he doesn't have a long history with them, in which feelings of gratitude and loyalty grow (among other emotions, some quite negative - as it is with children and parents). He probably feels that he "didn't sign up for this" - and wonders when it will end. Even adult children feel that way because we grew up being cared for, and didn't expect to be caregivers ourselves. Also, aging parents can be especially difficult. To be fair to them, they are often upset at finding themselves in the predicament of not being able to do things for themselves and having to take direction from their child - something that was once reversed. So everybody is frustrated to some degree and unhappy to some degree.

I'm taking care of my mother, who awakens 3 to 5 times a night to pee. As she fell and received a hairline fracture to her ankle, every time her feet reach the floor, she needs to have her aircast placed back on and another shoe to keep her hips level, and she hates that. She thinks she can walk just fine without those. But if her ankle isn't stabilized, she could break it further, so the podiatrist has allowed her to be cast-free in bed, but not when she stands. So on top of being awakened so often and having my sleep broken (she seems fine with her sleep!), I'm also having to explain the need for the aircast and deal with her attitude about it. So I feel a bit grouchy myself. I am single so I can't imagine how this would affect a husband, but I'm pretty sure he would be frustrated as well with the disruption to sleep. Those kinds of situations impact relationships slowly but surely and it's usually not to the good.

I don't have solutions, just some empathy. I dearly hope you both can weather this. It's hard. The only "comfort" might be in the realization that someday, if you both live long enough, you might have to likewise rely on others for help - so - try and treat her as you would want to be treated. IT ISN'T EASY, I know! Hang in there. It won't last forever....and someday you'll all be freer.

There is the possibility for a lot of overthinking and angst when caring for parents. Long story short, you must listen to your husband. What I hear is that recently, he feels the time committed to your parents have overshadowed everything else. He has a perspective that you don't. Help your parents with love, but protect your health and marriage. Find that balance, and be honest with yourself when your parents needs exceed the boundaries of what you can or should do. It's not a sign of weakness, but more a sign of intelligence to know when to ask for help. Also, without knowing the age of your parents or you and your husband, you need to remember that each day together is precious. You might possibly be in the prime of your life and should be sharing positive experiences with your husband while you are both physically and mentally able. If the tables were turned, and you felt the caregiving was negatively impacting your marriage, you would want to be heard. It's not the time to judge either him or you. But it is the time to really listen....to your heart and your life partner.

Your parents.

I was sole caregiver for both my parents for ten years. Anyway you put it.. "in a nursing or assisted living, with help and with support", it is an all encompassing experience. That was the reality for me. I totally understand and relate with you, as my family felt the brunt of the caregiving responsibilities. To maneuver through it, try to get support & help from family & friends & the medical community (home health, facility, etc) & set appropriate boundaries for yourself- (1-2 free days for yourself and your family) & most of all, communicate with your husband that time spent helping your parents does NOT equate to your choice of them over him!! It is simply the nature of the beast. Also, can you involve your husband in the process-- even if it buying a medical supply or asking his input regarding medical decision or opinion, or having dinner with both families one day/week? This will ease the them over us mentality because he can see/be involved in what you're doing. As a Christian, I believe that taking care of your parents is very much in the will of God, though it was hard to accomplish. Encourage your husband & be sure to take time with him & put into place a support system for your folks. It is a hard time for everyone involved but know you are not alone!! You are a blessing to help your parents & the Lord will provide for you in this. He is an Advocate for

You need help to care for parents. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging(COA/Senior Center can supply contact info) Even a few hours a week can give you respite. Also a nurse will assess their medical and safety needs. Payment is on sliding scale. The less income, the less their co-pay.

It is obvious that an spouse should never be neglected on purpose. But when it comes to caregiving, any loving husband or wife will either help or at least support the one providing care. And if feeling neglected should have loving conversations and try to -together!- find ways to help correct the situation. Life is filled with difficult situations, a married couple is a team.

Sorry but I disagree with all those opinions that simply put the spouse first, because the complaining spouse should put the caregiving spouse first too! That is a marriage, at least that’s how I see it.