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If so, good. Then it could be easier to 'lose' the key to his car, or substitute (as Geaton cleverly suggested).
I know dishonesty is never nice, but 'therapeutic fibs' for safety are a different matter.
Have read of others who have had the car's engine or battery disabled - but if he was able to call roadside assistance this could be fixed. Better to 'lose' the key.
If the car is shared by you, that needs more thought! 🤔
I drive, but when together with my DH, he always drives (he insists). I can imagine trying to insist I drive us & him getting wild about that if cog issues were in the picture...
If your DH is used to you driving him already, you have a good advantage in that.
Wifedriver, I don't think you need 38 horror stories to convince you to act today to do whatever it takes to prevent him from driving.
When he's asleep, root around and find his key. Put a replacement fake key back on the chain and let him keep it. Maybe at some point review the cost of the insurance (it gets very pricey the older the driver) plus the price of gas! and hopefully he'll agree to sell the car, assuming his is the only name on the title. Used cars are at a premium right now, so even driving into a dealership will have several salespeople flocking around you. It would be an "easy" way to sell it and you'd get a better price than in prior years.
This driver was legally blind, killed a young woman while driving 15 years after his license was suspended. He was sent to jail for 2 years and his family is being sued as they allowed him to drive.
His wife does not think she is liable, but he was driving her car with permission and had been for years.
If you are in BC Canada, you have a moral and a legal obligation to stop him from driving. And you could lose everything if it is proven you or someone else knew he was driving with a suspended license.
I just found out that my 92 yo mom has been driving around with her friend who is driving on a suspended license!! The woman has macular degeneration and I have watched her 'drive' and it's terrifying. Mom insists it's "OK" b/c they only go 1/2 mile. Well, true, but they have to make 2 'blind' left turns to leave the Sr Center. And sometimes they go to lunch, which is wherever they want to go.
It's only a matter of time before this woman causes an accident. The cars coming from the right that she has to turn left in front of are coming FAST. (40 MPH). She can't see them and mother can't turn her head to watch for them.
I haven't called the DMV on this woman. Mom is kind of scared of her--she's a real firecracker (the other woman, not mom) and she does WHAT SHE WANTS.
She lives with her daughter and her daughter is pretty chill about her mom driving all over from heck to breakfast. After thinking about it, I feel I may reach out to the daughter. I doubt she has a clue as to how much and how badly her mom is driving. And she probably is glad that she isn't the one doing the driving.
Years ago we were out in our brand new van for a family drive. An old man had a carful of old people (youngest was probably 90) and we watched in horror as he ran a stop sign right in front of us. Only the fact that we were all buckled in our van saved us. His car was hit, hard, by our big van and he spun around and around and finally wound up in a ditch. Only b/c the roads were wet and they 'slipped' rather than 'grabbed' saved their lives. We would have been fine, but they were all riding w/o seatbelts and the driver didn't even see us.
I still have nightmares about that. If anyone had even been hurt, my DH would have blamed himself forever.
We're lucky that both our moms pretty much decided on their own to quit driving.
You can anonymously report him as a dangerous driver on his state's DMV website. You can upload the doctor's report as proof. This would most likely cause them to revoke his license. If he still won't give up the keys then the car should be disabled, like remove the battery and hide it (and don't tell him), flatten all the tires, remove some critical part of the engive or drain out the gas. Or, you can contact a tow company to remove it and take it to some destination that you don't disclose to him.
My uncle should have had this done by his family and they didn't. He drove through a red light and was t-boned by another car. The impact killed his passenger: his wife of 60+ years, love of his life, mother of his 4 children, business partner, and 2x cancer survivor AND their dog that was riding on her lap.
So, he won't give up the keys, is he driving? Are you driving, I assume so, and perhaps you could try another tact. If you go out by yourself, go to a key replacement spot, hardware store, dealership etc. Buy a set of key blanks, exchange them on his keychain so you will be assured he cannot go. He'll be more happy with the keys in his pocket?
Then you could start asking if you might drive him somewhere. he's driven you all your life , has he not? Appeal to him that you need practice. Take him where he likes to go, not where you need, or have, to go! Just suck up the gas price and go for fun. Go for ice cream!
You might also check with your local DMV for a "replacement license". In your case this might make it worse, but you would know that. I got an ID license for my husband that looks just like a drivers license. He can no longer read so just recognizes the graphics as his license, doesn't recognize the Non-driver designation at all. He delights in giving me driving lessons! I got an "A+" last week when I drove exactly up to the mail drop !
Think outside the box, and good luck to you. This is one ride we all wish we did not have to take. Blessings!
Have you let the POA son know what the doctor said? I am sure it puts you in an awkward position but the son can’t look out for his dad if he doesn’t know the situation. If that is the only problem, I might just take the keys and let it go for awhile. However, you say he doesn’t live with you all the time. It’s a catch22. And sadly, the dementia won’t go away. It will only get worse. Maybe you and the son need to communicate on next best steps for his dad to discuss driving and other issues sure to come up. You will need the sons help at some point. Do you have children? A POA of your own? Some of these issues seem off in the future for a long time and then they arrive. Such is life. Protect yourself and test the waters with the son would be my advice. And know that your husband truly believes he is fine. He is not pretending.
You're not his 'legal wife' you say on your profile, so you may not have POA, I don't know. But even if you don't, I would find those keys and put them in a place he will NOT find them. In the meantime, here's a brief blurb from a book I highly recommend you read, on the subject of driving with dementia/Alzheimer's, and how to go about dealing with that issue:
DRIVING The issue of driving is extremely difficult. Sometimes during testing, a physician will find that the person's spatial skills are such that they need to cease driving immediately. Other times, the family may want to curtail the person from driving because when they sit in the passenger seat while the person with dementia is doing the driving, they find their driving unsafe. One method of gradually ceasing the driving has been found to work well. A lady asked her husband once a week or so if it could be her turn to drive (her license renewal was coming up). She gradually increased the frequency of asking for her turn until she was doing the driving 80% of the time. Then she started to automatically head for the driver's side of the car whenever they walked toward the car, without saying anything. After about six to eight weeks, her husband always went to the passenger side and never again expected to be the driver. This non-confrontational approach is positive, but not always possible.
****************************** I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. (This is where the Driving info came from):
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here: https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”
If his dementia progresses to the point where you cannot manage him at home any longer, you may need to consider placement in Memory Care Assisted Living. Confer with his children on that matter, sooner rather than later, is my suggestion.
Are you his POA? You need a letter from the MD and your MD should be notifying the DMV. This will suspend the license. If the MD won't send to DMV then get a letter for yourself and take it to the DMV. The keys are an easy one. When he is asleep, remove them. Disabling the car, if you are POA is also fine. If he continues uncooperative, doing things like driving cars, buying cars, you may be looking at the necessity of MC placement. Wishing you good luck.
I know of a woman whose hubby was the same. He went for a 'drive' one day, she immediately called the police b/c she knew exactly where he was going and he got pulled over. Long story short, yeah, it was sneaky, but the police ran his license and came back 'denied' and he was not allowed to drive home.
He never knew his wife did this, so yeah, there's that. BUT---he was a dangerous driver and she likely saved him and perhaps other lives.
The POLICE took his keys and one drove the car home and gave his wife the keys. Ever now and then he'd get antsy and want to drive, but the remembrance of being pulled over and read the riot act kept him from driving.
Nowadays. with Uber and Lyft, anyone can get anywhere.
The problem with Uber and Lyft is you have to have a smart phone, believe it or not, a lot of older people don't have one or if they did, knew how to use it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If so, good. Then it could be easier to 'lose' the key to his car, or substitute (as Geaton cleverly suggested).
I know dishonesty is never nice, but 'therapeutic fibs' for safety are a different matter.
Have read of others who have had the car's engine or battery disabled - but if he was able to call roadside assistance this could be fixed. Better to 'lose' the key.
If the car is shared by you, that needs more thought! 🤔
I drive, but when together with my DH, he always drives (he insists). I can imagine trying to insist I drive us & him getting wild about that if cog issues were in the picture...
If your DH is used to you driving him already, you have a good advantage in that.
When he's asleep, root around and find his key. Put a replacement fake key back on the chain and let him keep it. Maybe at some point review the cost of the insurance (it gets very pricey the older the driver) plus the price of gas! and hopefully he'll agree to sell the car, assuming his is the only name on the title. Used cars are at a premium right now, so even driving into a dealership will have several salespeople flocking around you. It would be an "easy" way to sell it and you'd get a better price than in prior years.
This driver was legally blind, killed a young woman while driving 15 years after his license was suspended. He was sent to jail for 2 years and his family is being sued as they allowed him to drive.
His wife does not think she is liable, but he was driving her car with permission and had been for years.
If you are in BC Canada, you have a moral and a legal obligation to stop him from driving. And you could lose everything if it is proven you or someone else knew he was driving with a suspended license.
It's only a matter of time before this woman causes an accident. The cars coming from the right that she has to turn left in front of are coming FAST. (40 MPH). She can't see them and mother can't turn her head to watch for them.
I haven't called the DMV on this woman. Mom is kind of scared of her--she's a real firecracker (the other woman, not mom) and she does WHAT SHE WANTS.
She lives with her daughter and her daughter is pretty chill about her mom driving all over from heck to breakfast. After thinking about it, I feel I may reach out to the daughter. I doubt she has a clue as to how much and how badly her mom is driving. And she probably is glad that she isn't the one doing the driving.
Years ago we were out in our brand new van for a family drive. An old man had a carful of old people (youngest was probably 90) and we watched in horror as he ran a stop sign right in front of us. Only the fact that we were all buckled in our van saved us. His car was hit, hard, by our big van and he spun around and around and finally wound up in a ditch. Only b/c the roads were wet and they 'slipped' rather than 'grabbed' saved their lives. We would have been fine, but they were all riding w/o seatbelts and the driver didn't even see us.
I still have nightmares about that. If anyone had even been hurt, my DH would have blamed himself forever.
We're lucky that both our moms pretty much decided on their own to quit driving.
My uncle should have had this done by his family and they didn't. He drove through a red light and was t-boned by another car. The impact killed his passenger: his wife of 60+ years, love of his life, mother of his 4 children, business partner, and 2x cancer survivor AND their dog that was riding on her lap.
Please remove or disable his car today.
Then you could start asking if you might drive him somewhere. he's driven you all your life , has he not? Appeal to him that you need practice. Take him where he likes to go, not where you need, or have, to go! Just suck up the gas price and go for fun. Go for ice cream!
You might also check with your local DMV for a "replacement license". In your case this might make it worse, but you would know that. I got an ID license for my husband that looks just like a drivers license. He can no longer read so just recognizes the graphics as his license, doesn't recognize the Non-driver designation at all. He delights in giving me driving lessons! I got an "A+" last week when I drove exactly up to the mail drop !
Think outside the box, and good luck to you. This is one ride we all wish we did not have to take. Blessings!
Do you have children? A POA of your own? Some of these issues seem off in the future for a long time and then they arrive. Such is life. Protect yourself and test the waters with the son would be my advice.
And know that your husband truly believes he is fine. He is not pretending.
DRIVING
The issue of driving is extremely difficult. Sometimes during testing, a physician will find that the person's spatial skills are such that they need to cease driving immediately. Other times, the family may want to curtail the person from driving because when they sit in the passenger seat while the person with dementia is doing the driving, they find their driving unsafe. One method of gradually ceasing the driving has been found to work well. A lady asked her husband once a week or so if it could be her turn to drive (her license renewal was coming up). She gradually increased the frequency of asking for her turn until she was doing the driving 80% of the time. Then she started to automatically head for the driver's side of the car whenever they walked toward the car, without saying anything. After about six to eight weeks, her husband always went to the passenger side and never again expected to be the driver. This non-confrontational approach is positive, but not always possible.
******************************
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. (This is where the Driving info came from):
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”
https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
If his dementia progresses to the point where you cannot manage him at home any longer, you may need to consider placement in Memory Care Assisted Living. Confer with his children on that matter, sooner rather than later, is my suggestion.
Best of luck.
You need a letter from the MD and your MD should be notifying the DMV. This will suspend the license. If the MD won't send to DMV then get a letter for yourself and take it to the DMV.
The keys are an easy one. When he is asleep, remove them.
Disabling the car, if you are POA is also fine.
If he continues uncooperative, doing things like driving cars, buying cars, you may be looking at the necessity of MC placement.
Wishing you good luck.
He never knew his wife did this, so yeah, there's that. BUT---he was a dangerous driver and she likely saved him and perhaps other lives.
The POLICE took his keys and one drove the car home and gave his wife the keys. Ever now and then he'd get antsy and want to drive, but the remembrance of being pulled over and read the riot act kept him from driving.
Nowadays. with Uber and Lyft, anyone can get anywhere.