My ex has no relatives or anyone else where he can live or be taken care of. The house is in both our names and takes both our incomes. He was an unaffectionate narcissist while we were married, and now thinks I should still do all of the cooking and cleaning while he just sits in his lawn chair all day. I am resentful and angry and it comes out in my actions and words. Then I feel bad because I am a very kind and caring woman.
Once the house is sold, the proceeds can be used for his care in a Memory Care ALF.
Good luck!
I cannot imagine living with an ex. There is a reason you divorce; that's so you can leave them. Sell the house, divide the assets, get a lovely little studio rental. Your husband likely would have a Fiduciary appointed by the state if he has no family. Home would be sold per the wishes of any one of the owners in California.
You were his wife. You are divorced. That doesn't make you his nursemaid. If you live there, cook, clean, and pay for the mortgage, then you are not truly divorced.
When we divorced, there was a court-ordered division of assets. We sold the house and split the profit. What were the terms of your divorce?
Given that both of your names are on the house, you need legal advice as to whether or not you can force a sale, divide the proceeds and put his half toward paying for him to live in a facility. Once his monies run out, the facility will apply for Medicaid on his behalf.
Were your ex to die suddenly, you will no longer get his income and then what is going to happen to the house that "takes both our incomes"? You need to see an attorney ASAP to protect yourself.
What he thinks and what you do are two different things. If you are divorced then look at him as a roommate. As a roommate you are not responsible for him. He now has a Dementia which will only get worse and you are not obligated to care for him. You may want to call Office of the Aging or even Adult Protection Service to evaluate him for services. Eventually, he will need to be placed somewhere if he becomes 24/7 care. At that time you refuse to do that care. He is a roommate an ex. Let the State take over. But, if you do this the house may have to be sold so his half will pay for his care. Especially, if you can't pay bills on your own or do upkeep.
You may want to start thinking about your future. A person suffering from Dementia gets self-centered and loses the ability to show empathy. Then throw Narcissism into it...You may want to find a place you can afford. Then put your ex on APSs radar. For me, it would be better to sell the house and take my half and get on with my life. Its hard enough to care for someone you love let alone an ex that you have a bad history with. Very kind and caring can be a bad thing. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished. If you try to care for this man, it will be harder to get the authorities involved when you can't or don't want to do it anymore.
This guy has it made in the shade and you will grow more and more resentful!
Find someone who can help you. Get advice from an attorney and perhaps see a therapist to help you sort through your emotions. There are therapists that look at income and adjust their fees accordingly.
Walk out. Close the door and never look back. Either that or kick him out.
Downsize, enjoy your new freedom! Never allow him to worm his way back into your life again. Once you close that door, keep it closed.
Best wishes to you.
Please consult a lawyer who deals in family law and geriatrics. He/she can help you with options to deal with joint custody of your home that will get you out of this situation. Personally, I think your best option is to sell the home, find a nice small place for yourself, and allow "the state" to care for your ex.
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