Her and her husband are hoarders. With 5 litter pans still in their basement even though they no cats. When we moved 20 minutes away, she stopped cleaning their house. Jan. 5th she was at work and ended up in the ER for a severe UTI and maybe a mini-stroke. They released her within 24hrs. Makes you think about the mini-stroke scenario. Anyways, her husband had hip surgery August 22nd. He's a drunk and fell in Dec. He is paying out of pocket for a rehab assisted living place. Their home is so filthy they cannot live there. We have been trying to get them, well him, to pay for someone to come in and clean. He refuses. His own daughters won't even help.
Back to my MIL. After the incident last month, she acts like she can't do a thing. We have to to tell her to shower, to take her meds, little things. Yes, she is doing physical therapy. She retired from her job on Jan 9th and just sits on my couch picking her nose and earing it. Leaving clean kleenex wrapped in my throws, that she has to cover up with because she's cold from sitting all day. She also is starting speech therapy, which is for her to learn to do things for herself. How can a women who gets up, packs her lunch, goes to work, makes dinner, write checks and goes shopping just stop doing these things? The UTI wasn't that bad. My own mom had one a few months ago that she was hospitalized 3 for days and still did her dailey routines. My MIL does things for herself when we are not home. I have noticed that when my old man (her son) is home, it is worse.
What can we do to make her do things for herself? It is becoming an issue and is making me so mad. I have to walk away. My own 4 and 5 yr old grandkids do more for themselves!
Please give me advice. Oh, and they refuse to pay out of pocket for someone to come to my home to help her with reminders. The are not financially eligible for the office of aging resources.
She wants to move back in with her mentally abusive drunk husband of 40-plus yrs, but can't do anything for herself if left alone with him.
This is what I would do. While FIL is in AL I would get everyone together and clean the house of all trash. If by hoarding you mean they buy things they don't need then leave them alone. You don't need to steam clean. Just get rid of the trash. Then wipe everything down and run the vacuum. Maybe change sheets, do laundry. When he returns, let Mom go back. She is FILs responsibility. If he does not care for her then call APS saying she is vulnerable. They will investigate. Do not take her back you can't care for someone like this without giving up ur life.
I would say MIL had more than a mini-stroke if she is acting this way. You sort of contradict yourself when you say...
"My MIL does things for herself when we are not home." Then you say..."She wants to move back in with her mentally abusive drunk husband of 40-plus yrs, but can't do anything for herself if left alone with him."
Speech therapy does not teach them how to do for themselves but Occupational does. Two different types of therapist.
What you CAN do is protect yourself by not taking people into your home. Once there they will be enabled to be less inclined to care for themselves, not more inclined. And once there you will have great difficulty in dislodging them, as you have made your home THEIR home whether they pay rental or not.
I also think that there is a lot of misunderstanding of medical conditions here, on your part. I cannot for the life of me tell if you are looking at mental illness or at dementia or bodily illness, but you ARE looking at something that needs a medical diagnosis.
I wish you the best, but I honestly wouldn't know where to start here. I am so very sorry. I hope others have great ideas and suggestions for you. I would only caution you to not mistake an illness for one person to mirror an illness in another. Our reactions to illness are as individual as our own fingerprints. Good luck! I hope things get better for you.
Don't care about her more than her own blood relatives. Let your H and his sisters deal with her. But you stop doing things for her, because as long as you are her slave, the others will see no reason to change anything.
If your hubbie won't agree she has to go and help to make a plan then maybe you should be the one looking for a new home 🤔
with ALL her marbles but was discharged missing a few.
If she knows what to do, and just pretends she can’t, then let her go back to her husband and their pigsty. Sooner she is out of your home, the better. Inevitably something will happen where she ends up in the hospital. Then you can get the ball rolling with placing her somewhere.
If she can not be discharged to her home you and your husband should have said that she is not safe at home and that you can not care for her.
If she wants to move back with her husband let her.
Let them live the way they want to live. You can not change a hoarder.
Unfortunately in some cases you have to wait until there is some catastrophic incident that forces a change.
If you want her out of your house you need to tell your husband that you have had enough, you are not going to care for her.
At that point you have a decision to make.
She goes or you go.
After the diagnosis of UTI and a mini stroke was she evaluated by a neurologist? I suspect that this is probably not the first and she may be dealing with Vascular Dementia.