My MIL can be very sweet at times, but is very much a Queen bee. She is controlling, and very verbally abusive. We live in another state now. My husband is thinking he may be the only person who can care for her. A relative that lived with her had to move because she couldn't take it anymore. I'm in my early seventies, my husband had a heart attack 6 years ago, and I think it's crazy to even consider it. I'd be leaving my adult daughters here & moving to a new state. MIL has a very difficult time with a caregiver sent to her home to help her with showering. She absolutely threw a fit and refused. She has refused to see doctors. We've had to find ways around that with mobile doctors coming to her home. I think finding a part-time home health caregiver would be a help to her. It will just have to be the right person. She dresses herself, can give herself a shower now, can use a microwave and converses well. She is refusing to take walks. Assisted living would be another choice. Ideas?
No family member should volunteer to live with an uncooperative , controlling , verbally abusive person. Other family has already quit living with her .
Furthermore,
The queen bee mother will try to maintain parental control as she sees your husband as her child . She will not listen to him .
There are countless threads on this Forum where people made the mistake your husband wants to make and they are begging for ways to get their parent out of the house . Their mental and physical health suffers , as well as their marriages .
Tell your husband DON’T DO IT. It is difficult to get a parent out of your home when it becomes their legal residence .
Do not move and upend your life .
The woman will most likely refuse a caregiver aide to come help at the home . She will expect her son and daughter in law to do it all . She also refuses doctors. This is all available at assisted living .
you have no powers . We have had many people come here in a bind stuck with someone in their home because someone else has POA and doesn’t want to place the parent in assisted living .
If your husband insists, go to a lawyer and ask about division of assets. If you secure your half, don’t let it be invested in the new house. Then you have at least an option for getting out, if you do get forced into the move.
Even going to the lawyer to ask about it, and then discussing it with DH, is a very very good way to show in practical terms how serious you are about objecting to this. If DH won’t listen, go ahead with the division of assets. You don’t have to leave him or divorce, just secure your financial future in case it really does go wrong. After all, half of the marriage and its funds, genuinely are yours.
Do we have this conversation now? The one about the real risk of caregivers (with known health issues OR healthy) suddenly passing away BEFORE their elderly parent.
I hope things work out for you, Hiker.
She’d pester us at all hours, pounding on our bedroom door because she was mad about something. Or wanted something. 2am, 4am, 6am... she didn’t care. She felt entitled to my attention and services. Meanwhile, we had to be up for work (husband) and get the kids ready for school (me). My blood pressure soared, I stress ate lots of extra weight and was a nervous wreck. The tension in our home was unbearable.
Do not do it! You will lose your life!
Let your husband go and see to his mom, but tell him you are not selling your house and uprooting your life to go live with someone who is having a tantrum.
I had clients like these through agency work. One had a fit because I would not place a trash bag in a trashcan when it was time for me to clock out and literally screamed in my face. It was extremely dark outside and I could not see where I was stepping. I could have fallen and broke an ankle or wrist or something. I put up with this woman for at least six weeks before I left for good. One time she didn't want me there and had actually confabulated a story that she fell when she didn't. I had already left for the evening. We have to report falls here in Washington, DC even though we weren't on the shift. I went outside to make a call because she was yelling and screaming. Anyway, girlfriend decided to lock me outside in ninety-five degree weather. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I drove home and told them I was done for the day. I needed the job and didn't want to risk my certification, so I went back going against my best judgment. Another time she had her friend take her to the bank and told me to come back in an hour. The agency went along with this behavior, and basically gaslighted the aides into taking these cases. I could here people snickering in the background at the agency about what was going on. I found out later on that she had not been paying her bill and they were about to pull services. I called the agency for her. While in her cousin's presence, she managed to write a check with an amount to keep her covered. That agency needed me on the case so that they could get paid.
I don't buy into the hype that these people don't know what they are doing. I can tell the difference from someone who is really out of it from devilish behavior. This woman was just plain mean, period.
One day she upset me so badly and I told her that I knew she didn't like me. I handed her the phone and told her that she could call and cancel me anytime. I had been doing my job in spite of all the hassles from her. I would fix two meals, do laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the bathroom, wash dishes and etc. She would of course find fault with things I did, but lacked the coordination and strength to do them herself. She should have been placed like yesterday. She was an unsafe discharge.
I don't know what person came up with this aging in place nonsense. However, I think I can find better things to do with my time than to spend it being accused of stealing, being threatened with phone calls to the police, being verbally and physically (restrained) yes this happened, and being criticized and run ragged by an elderly person. One elderly man threatened to kill me over some Walmart bags.
Someone physically restrained you? That's when you throw a punch and make it a good one. Or aim a well-placed kick. Or get that pepper spray (which you should always have on your person) out and let them have it right in the face. I certainly would not think twice or hesitate to take any of these actions. My safety comes first 24/7.
If a client is strong enough to literally restrain their caregiver, they can take a$$-kicking well enough.
Some here just beginning there retirement years, kids are older, settled in life , your not working enjoying your life and the bomb goes off.
We are expected to put are life, are home, are livelihood, are health on hold to care for are parents because that is what we are "expected" to do
If are parents did take care of there parents they did it in their 40s and 50s, not 60s and 70s, even 80s.
Talk to your husband that this is your time , and put mom in an AL.
I would tell him simply that I do not intend to further discuss such a plan, but that he needs to understand that if he takes on the care of his mother you will sue for divorce and leave him at once.
Meanwhile see a divorce attorney for options about legal separation and division of finances. Begin by withdrawing funds to set up a PRIVATE account of your own, emergency money that you will need to get an efficiency apartment.
I had a MIL who chose to move to Fla from NJ. For years she hounded my husband first, to get a job and move down there. Then when he retired it was get a house near me and move down. He just ignored her. Then she got me on the phone and I told her I was not leaving my Mom, my girls and my grands. She said Mom can move down here. I said no, she has her Church and her friends, I was not moving her. My MILs response, "We all have to compromise". I had to hold my tongue but my thought was "Everyone but you".
Thank you for all your ideas and encouragement.
Never let your MIL be moved into your house. She will take over not only your home but also your lives. Like I said in the comments, I did homecare for 25 years. I saw many once happy marriages end in bitter divorce because a needy MIL or FIL was moved into a home to be cared for.
There were many kids who became very resentful and even grew to hate their parents for wrecking their home with a needy and demanding elder.
Be careful because muti-generational living is never like 'The Waltons'. Also, what paid caregiver goes on a 6-week long vacation? One that has the resources to do that also has enough to not come back and to leave at the drop of a hat.
No way. Your husband’s plan is a cockamamie idea to make you and everyone including him miserable. Don’t do it unless running yourself ragged to keep this old biddy happy strikes you as a fun way to spend your life. I was visiting an assisted living place today. Residents were being entertained by a local singing group and then adjourned to the nicely decorated dining room for a choice of lunches. A man and his wife, both losing mobility, had their Yorkie with them. Tomorrow there’s an outing to a shopping center.
And not one of them is demanding their families serve them like slaves!
People resist AL because they want to control the homes and lives of their family. The sense of entitlement is outrageous.
I think if you explain to him in these plain terms, he will realize very quickly that he's not the only person who can take care of his mother.
*Consideration* is an excellant idea. Encourage him to deeply consider, talk to others, use his memory for past history, open his eyes to current behaviour.
"My husband is thinking he may be the only person who can care for her".
He is free to THINK this.
BUT IT IS NOT TRUE.
DO NOT upend your lives!
Caregiving will NOT make him feel special. At BEST he will spend some time with his mom and start to see all of the gaps. At worst - it can ruin relationships - his with her, his with you, etc.
She likely doesn't need to live alone at this stage. But she does NOT need to live with you and have your husband be her dedicated caregiver.
Because here is what will happen. He will QUICKLY find that he is not the only person who can care for her - because he can't do it alone for any extended length of time - he will need help. And guess who he is going to zero in on for that help? His beloved spouse because of course you want to take care of his mother as much as he does right?
MIL needs help with showering - is HE going to be comfortable doing that? Is SHE going to let him?
Here is what you have to remember - while he may be her "child" - as we age and our world shrinks - we become more self-focused naturally. If you throw in dementia - the person is going to become more childlike and need someone to be "in charge" rather than running themselves ragged taking care of them. She is going to try to be his parent - when she is struggling with adult behaviors herself. She will demand that he do something simply because "I said so, I'm your mother, you will do as I say".
He needs to consider what she NEEDS at this stage, not what she WANTS.
if she’s abusive now it can only get worse
you will regret it
it’s pressure enough to look after an elderly person without complications if abusive behaviour
i care for my father alone at home, he is 95 years and I am 60 years and extremely tired and burnt out most of the time. You will be pulled in to care for your MIL and your husband too with his declining heart condition. I thought innocently, and before I found this wonderful site (with all our friends advice), that it would be ok and we would manage together. Until you do it full time, I don’t think anybody realises the enormous, lonely task it can be. Frightening at times when they become ill and require emergency admission, plus all the things you have to do outside the home, stops because you are committed. So please, please my advice to you as caring and considerate as you are and your caring husband is please say no. Say no gently with suggestions of what would be better and AL is the answer and all your friends here on this site advising you too, we cannot all be wrong. Please remember as much as your husband loves his mum, his mum understands exactly what she is doing. Please stay where you are and say to your husband, maybe he goes and stays with her for a couple of days or weeks to assess her needs, then he will come running home to you knowing you are right…..take care and please remember it is ok to say no…..look after your health too, please xx
For 16 months our “ team from Heaven” covered 16 hrs/ day. I believe that she has FTD given the communication and behavioral issues.
I wouldn’t have missed it for the world ! You are so eloquent in describing exactly how I feel re: our times of deep connection.
My lady is now in a memory care facility and doing immensely better than any of us would have predicted.
Her needs should not force you to move away from your family. Figure out if she would receive better care in a facility, with proper medication and medical care, as well as how she can use her own assets to pay for her care. Don’t sacrifice your whole family for her. You only have responsibility to keep her safe and comfortable. You can’t make her happy.