My 75 year old mother calls me at least 5 or 6 times a day. She calls to tell me she is lonely or bored. My dad passed away a couple of years ago and she now lives in a retirement home. She is a difficult personality, is very paranoid and doesn't get along with many people for long. I have 3 small children and a job so I have a lot of demands on my time. These aren't calls just to say hi and check in. When she calls, she wants my complete, undivided attention for as long as she wants to talk, which is impossible. If she hears the kids in the background, she gets angry and tells me to call her back "when I can listen." If I tell her after a while that I need to go, she gets angry and tells me to call her back. Each time one call ends, I have to anticipate another call where I can sit and give her my total attention. The only time I can do this is after the kids go to sleep and by then I am usually very tired. If I tell her I am tired, she becomes angry again. She doesn't forget she is calling and she knows how much this stresses me out. She just doesn't care. She tells people that I "never talk to her." I have tried putting limits on the calls...doesn't work. I have tried telling her that I can only talk at a certain time...doesn't work. I have tried calling her while I am driving home so she has my full attention but by the time I get home and have to go, she is asking me to call back AGAIN later. If I tell her I can't, she calls ME. She has always had very little impulse control, which is part of this. The only reason I keep answering all these calls is that I know one day she will be gone and I will wish I could talk to her. She is also in very poor health and I feel sorry for how lonely she is so I just keep answering the calls. However my stress level is through the roof and I can never relax knowing that the next time I get a quiet break, I will be sitting on the phone again indefinitely. Has anyone else dealt with this situation and how did you handle it???
First, stop feeling sorry for her. Direct your efforts toward encouraging her to “get a life” so to speak. Most facilities have activities for their residents. My mom’s had two or three a day. If she’s anti-social, encourage reading, doing puzzles, anything to keep her off the phone. Tell her you will answer two calls a day and no more. They will be ten minutes in duration. If she wants to spend those ten minutes crabbing about the background noise, well, it’s “her nickel”. Then, stick to it. You are enabling her by always being available.
Best of luck!