My mom died 6 weeks ago. She was in assisted living and I was there much of the time with her. Suddenly she developed pneumonia and 5 days later she was gone. I can't seem to get past this. I was with her when she died and the image will forever stay in my mind. I'm depressed and experiencing panic attacks every day. I have no desire to move on with my day. I do take antidepressants but they obviously are not kicking in. Mom was 92 and I know I should be thankful that I had her as long as I did, but it doesn't help how I feel.
Is this a common reaction? How long does this grief last and how can I help myself?
You said the memory of being with her when she died is difficult. Keep asking the question until you get to a state of quiet if not peace.
I saw her last breath.
And then what happened?
I sat with her.
And then what happened?
The nurses came and told me she was gone.
And then what happened?
I made phone calls to family. That was so hard.
And then what happened?
They came and we cried together.
And then what happened?
I went home and was able to sleep.
Try to build up the other things in your life (your children? earning a living? travel?). I am sure that you know you need to do this, but it takes time and a lot of self control to make it happen. Best wishes.
Unfortunately, there is no time limitation on grief. That is up to you. That you ask the question shows that you want to move past your mother's death, but it really was not that long ago. It will take work. Each day do something special for you. Go out to lunch with a friend, attend yoga classes, find something that you will enjoy doing to get your life going again. A book club? Read Being Mortal.
I am so sorry for your loss and accept that mom is now at rest.
I think the grief is different for everyone and you should definitely give yourself permission for whatever time you need. You don't get over it. Its like a wound that scabs over (you bump it and hurts and bleeds all over again), but each day it gets better and better.
If you spend alot of time with your loved ones and were very close or did the caregiving -- I would say there is some PTSD that sets in and it takes a while to find your new normal.
Give it time.
Rely on a close friend or two who are supportive no matter what
Find some new activities, daily routines, exercise that can distract
Maybe distance yourself from the house, memorabilia etc. for a few months - tuck them away so that you aren't having constant reminders of the loss -- you are going to feel that loss with or without the visuals.
Give yourself permission to shed the tears, set a time (20 min) and then force yourself to go for a walk, do a chore, or treat yourself to a milkshake or ice cream.
If this becomes so overwhelming after 6 months and you can't function -- then you may need to see a therapist to help you manage.
Remember - YOUR MOM/DAD WOULD NEVER WANT TO SEE THEIR LOVING DAUGHTER SO SAD AND DISTRAUGHT! That would wish you a happy life just as they had.
When Mom died my World crashed and it took ten months before I could feel the joy coming back into my Life again. Cry when You feel like You want to cry, let it go and take Your time as the World will still be here when You are ready to kick on with Your Life, and You will. As a Christian I really do believe once I lead a good and Holy Life here on Earth that I will be united with Mother and All my love ones when I die. How Blessed We were to have Our Mothers in Our Lives
for all of those years. Rest in Peace.
I feel very much the same way you do about my own parents, taken from us far too soon. I miss them every day, but Thank God they left me with 5 Wonderful Siblings, who each hold many of the great characteristics of each of them, to carry me through my grief.
I am so often saddened by those who did not have the wonderful parents that you and I were blessed with, but I firmly believe that you make your family here on earth, and they don't necessarily have to be those we are related to.
For those still in the throes of grief, there is unfortunately no specific timeline for grieving, you Must put one foot forward each day, reach out to others, and never be ashamed to seek assistance from your Dr for help with medication either, to get us over the hump.
God Bless all of us who are grieving the loss of a parent!
See All Answers