My mom is the strongest person that I knew, she had a very strict living will stating that if she was in a position where she could no longer have a meaningful quality of life and could not contribute to her own medical decisions that she wanted. All medication stopped, and she wanted to be put on comfort care.
She has been in and out of assisted-living for the past two years, because she kept falling and breaking bones like her hip her pelvis, her spine, her arm, her collarbone, it was relentless she was supposed to be living with me and my husband, instead of down the street at assisted living.
Throughout the last two years, she would have episodes of psychosis that would last for months, she was institutionalized multiple times, it was horrible. I can’t even count how many times she ended up in the hospital because she was having delusions related to UTIs, after she had broken her hip she’ll become incontinent, and very very prone to UTIs. It was so bad that she was on prophylactic antibiotics, and we had opted to have a relatively new procedure done where she would have electrical implants to help stimulate her bladder, so that it would work properly. It never really did, and instead she was colonized with bacteria as a result of the constant antibiotics.
This past June, she just went completely delusional and was in the hospital through August. At this point a CT scan showed that she had had possibly multiple small strokes but at least one lacunar stroke. ECTs had shown significant slowing down in her brain activity, and she was given a diagnosis of vascular dementia on top of the stroke which caused emotional disregulation and memory problems and aphasia, she also was now wheelchair bound, as she had filled out at physical therapy and occupational therapy because she could not retain the information she was given anymore.
When she was released in the hospital in August, she qualified for hospice care, so I went for it. Within the first month she had two UTIs that I had them treat, she maybe had a week in between each infection again looking at her living will, she specify things like antibiotics should be stopped. At this point it just seemed like her quality of life was so awful, she would get so confused and so paranoid, that I made the decision when she got a third UTI to not treat it.
She passed away last Friday and I cannot stop thinking that I hurt her or let her down that I should’ve done something more. It feels kind of absurd, thinking that when I look at everything I’ve written, but I still just feel such immense guilt.
When their disease progresses to the point that death is near, you cannot fix it. It is impossible!! But I get it, you feel like you failed after all the time you were able to come up with good solutions.
It sounds like you were incredible. Attentive, loving and there for her every moment. Over time, you will start to remember the good and the guilt will subside. It has been 1 year this week for me. Mom passed November 9, 2022. She is out of pain and free from her fragile body and mind. I am happy for her, sad that she is not here with me but happy for her.
I felt just like you are feeling the first few months. I did take advantage of hospice counseling and that helped. I have no magic advice but the healing that comes with time.
Hugs from someone that has been in your shoes.
You did right by her. Mom now sees your heart even better than you do. Would she want you to blame yourself the rest of your days? No! You loved her and made sure she had a painless passing. You couldn’t have stopped her death. No one could have. Feel any way you need to, but please don’t blame yourself.
You carried out your dear moms wishes, for which you should be applauded.
You say, "she was supposed to be living with me and my husband, instead of down the street at assisted living." Just today on Dr Wayne W. Dyer's website I read this quote:
"If you are attached to how things should be going, you're going to find suffering in your life."
Things rarely turn out as we expect them to in life. Your mother required more care than you were able to provide her and thus, Assisted Living was the proper way to go. Saying what she was "supposed to do" roots you in guilt because you were forced to divert from that plan, thru no fault of your own.
Your beloved mom is at perfect peace now, whole again and suffering no more. Be happy you allowed her to transition to the next phase of her eternal life and shed her painful earthly body for good.
My condolences on your loss.
When tomorrow starts without me,
and I’m not here to see, if the sun should rise and find your eyes, filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry, the way you did today, while thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time you think of me, I know you miss me too.
When tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart, for every time you think of me, I’m right there in your heart.
Brokenbear,
I recently lost my brother, so I am grieving also. I found this poem to be so sweet and comforting. I hope that you do too.
Please know that you did your very best in this difficult situation. You aren’t at fault for her suffering or her death.
She loved you and you loved her. The memories of that love will live on in your heart forever.
Please give yourself time to adjust. You are accustomed to the continual adrenaline push and now that it's gone, perhaps you feel the loss.
You did everything possible for your mom. Now is the time for you to decompress and feel a sense of relief that your mom is no longer suffering.
Bless you
That doesn't apply to you.
You didn't cause the problems and you couldn't have fixed them.
The correct G-word for what you are experiencing is "GRIEF".
Words we tell ourselves matter. They set up a chronic circular path in our brains that we can endlessly travel, doing our loved one no honor by that, and doing ourselves great injury.
Experts who deal with grief indicate that often we find a way to prevent ourselves from entering GRIEF because of the dread fear of its loss and finality.
We will do anything to prevent ourselves looking at and accepting loss.
So we choose to lay blame. Often on a hospital or a medical person; sometimes on ourselves.
This works to divert us from feeling the loss.
Your mother was "of an age" but more than that she was suffering dreadfully, and you just did something you would be ASSIGNED to do in a grieving workshop, and is to list in writing the things that took your mother, the things she was SUFFERING.
Doing this allows us to acknowledge that the things that occurred were not our failure, but were a part of what can/often does happen in life, especially at the end of life. And it acknowledges and embraces the PAIN our loved one was going through. Sometimes that helps us to be relieved for them, to know they had no more fear and dread and pain to go through, and were free of that as they wanted to be free of it. As my Dad told me, he so longed for the last long nap. He was exhausted from living, despite the fact he had had a very good long life.
I hope you will continue to either join grieving workshop, get grief counseling, or do your own work as you have already started, so you can come to the place where you can celebrate the good times your Mom had in life, and be RELIEVED that her suffering is offer, and you no longer must stand as a helpless witness to her awful pain.
My heart goes out to you. I truly believe you will heal and feel the relief of your Mom's freedom from so much pain. I honestly cannot imagine the crucible she had to go through to find peace.
You know that your mom would not have wanted to continue on as she was and if you had decided to treat that third UTI, she would have had to continue living in her confused and paranoid state and that my dear is not living...it's existing.
So rejoice that your mom is now at peace and is whole again. And know that she is very proud of you and how you handled things for her.
Don't worry....your mom will still be looking out for you from above. I hope and pray that you'll get some comfort from that.
God bless you.
The second time was when I had taken a difficult overnight long-haul flight, and was in a hotel in Istanbul. Same thing, the flesh fell away from my bones, but I said “hello Mum” to the mirror.
Those were years ago, but I hope that if I do get really ill, my dear mother will look back at me through the mirror. I hope that your mother comes back to look at you, too.
You did the right thing. I wish you peace.
The thing to remember is that her own body did this, not you. You were just involved in trying to stave off the inevitable.
One thing's for certain -- we might win the occasional battle, but death always wins in the end.
You're grieving, and the feeling of guilt is natural but not deserved. You'll get through this.
You are a loving daughter and decent person.