My mom lives with my sister, Billie Jo. In the past two weeks, she is telling Billie Jo that she is not her daughter. She is insistent that Billie Jo tells her who her parents are, and is very upset that no one ever told her that she is not her daughter. She calls my sister "the other girl" or "the other Billie Jo". She will not let it go. She calls my siblings and me and ask us if we know her situation (I guess living with "the other Billie Jo". It is really upsetting because we can't get her past it. Any suggestions on what to say to her to calm her down?
There is nothing you can tell her to change her mind.
Just let her know that your sister is a nice friend who cares for her.
And, give your sister plenty of support, as it is very difficult to have your mother not recognize you.
That said, I agree with most of the responses. Go with the flow. It is hard on those of us who are "forgotten", but we know who we are and what we do. None of you will be able to change your mother's mindset about Billie Jo. It will only be upsetting to her and to you to continue trying.
As my2cents suggested, have Billie Jo call her by phone and see if she recognizes the voice. How often do the other siblings visit mom? Does she still recognize you all by sight, or just by phone? Age makes a difference too. If she is the youngest, she may have already dropped off the radar as far as memories go. All the more reason not to force the issue.
While it may be different causes behind this, more than likely it is because she is drifting back in time. Initially short term memory loss often happens, so anything new or recent isn't retained and repetition happens. This alone can be contentious, as WE know what was said or done, but they can't recall it. Over time more and more long term memories are lost as well. If you read enough postings on this site, there are a number of those who insist on "going home" when they are still living in their home, sometimes for many many years. Home is no longer THAT home, it is some home in the past, even a childhood home.
My mother took me by surprise one day. Nine months after moving to MC, she was still asking YB to take her back to her condo of 25 years. Out of the blue, she asked me if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home - her mother had been gone 40+ years. After getting past that by suggesting we do it tomorrow, she asked if I had a key to the place in X, you know, on Y road (X was the town, Y was the road.) They had owned that for many years, so it fell into that 40 years ago range. Sometime later she asked about a younger sister, also gone. Her statement when I said I hadn't heard from her recently was that she's probably tied up with THAT baby (her emphasis.) That baby was my cousin's severely disabled child, also just about 40 yo at that time.
By asking the right questions, we can often figure out WHEN in life a LO is living. Had she survived longer (taken out by strokes), I suspect the regression would have continued, putting her further back in time, quite possibly leading to her forgetting who I was also. To back up my thoughts about this, she clearly still knew who I was, as I would have been an adult 40 years ago - younger certainly, but still recognizable and visited often enough. She had a very vague recollection that I had kids, but being about 40 yo, she wouldn't know them as adults, in her mind they were still kids. YB's daughters are much younger and she had no clue who they were when I was doing Xmas cards with her. By sight, even before the move to MC, she thought my daughter was some cousin of hers.
It's different for each person, but clearly trying to convince her that Billie Jo is her daughter isn't working. It would be best to find a "persona" that mom will accept and go with that. Perhaps if you have photos from the past, she can show them to mom and ask about Billie Jo. I suspect mom will know the little one, not the adult one. The same may be true for you siblings. It all depends on "when" your mother is living and your ages.
There are many subtle things we do that we aren't totally aware of, that work to assure a parent in this situation. In some places smoking grass is legal, and a caregiver at home may think it's okay to do so. But know that when your mood changes from it, while you may like the feeling, you are not going to respond the same way. Try as you might, you will think you are acting like you always do, but she's going to notice you are not yourself, that something is different. And when she gets concerned or you get concerned that she may be getting out of that flowing relationship you were in all morning and afternoon, but now it's evening and she's giving you a look like, That's not how RichCapableSon acts, or Billy Jo acts. If you need cannabis for a medical condition, try to do it right before you sleep, so it won't involve your caregiving and buddying up with your mom. Our moods affect our thinking and that affects our actions. Look to see if she acts up a little or a lot, whenever you use a prescription drug, whenever you drink a beer or wine, or after you have that second glass or bottle. There are a hundred different components of the brain. She may remember if the doctor popped her back for her, but he was too harsh, or she didn't realize the chiropractor's bed would collapse how they do to assist the adjustment. You may say she does'nt remember more than the moment, but next week at the followup she says, Are you going to hurt me like you did last time? Different parts of the brain WILL remember. I have seen it. I have seen doctors drop their jaw at it and say to the side, How did she remember that? Well, she remembered enough to tell the whole office waiting room on her way out, each person, He hurt me. he's no good. I'm never coming back. My mom was 91 when she did that. 2013. She was supposed to be dead according to her gerontologist by 2009.
I tested her on each of the health food, nootropics, I gave her, one at a time. I only made one adjustment, one new pill on top of her stable diet. That way if there is an improvement, you don't have to guess was it which one of three new pills I gave her at the same time! I told her we were going to make a mix of all these ingredients for others, and put it on the market. You can do that. There's a core you could start with. Nothing to stop you from trying it yourself, too. It's her mind that has a problem, not the rest of her body, basically. If she liked health food supplements, no need to stop because her mind needs help. These are all GRAS healthfoods. Generally Recognized As Safe. But learn about them first. You should love what you find out. Galantamine is used with Aricept. Thats how good it is. Vinpocetine can lower blood pressure. Tylenol and all NSAIDs raise blood pressure. Don't stuff her with vitamins. You can give the blend twice a day rather than all at once. If she often refuses her Namenda capsules, you can pour them on that blend. She will never know and you will have no struggle to convince her hours at a time. And don't forget to give her 1/2 a Tylenol every twelve hours. No more than 335 milligrams a day. That worked miralces for my mom. She quit repeatedly yelling at me to bring her a glass of water. They can get thirsty even when they are drinking a lot of water. It could happen when they lay on their back. If they will turn on their side, right or left, their juices will shift and begin to flow and the dryness in their mouth will leave. But if they ask for water, always give it to them. You can ask, Mom, is your mouth dry, baby? Note if she says yes or no.
You can make her life normal again. Talking about the past is normal. It also puts you in their longterm memory when you talk about their past with them. I gave a ton of things to help. If you have any questions after you have digested all of these posts from me, jot them down and then PM me. Or ask me openly if you think you want others here to know, see, hear, learn too. But I suggest to keep some things private, and other things you can share publicly. Ciao. See you later. keep the faith. You can get over this hump and even whittle it down. There are many puzzles you have solved in caregiving; there will be many more. Believe in yourself and believe in her. And let your faith come alive, too. Most of all.
Record your mom when she is having a blast, whether singing, reminiscing, chatting with you. Play it back for her what a wonderful time we all had, or "you and I had" or "mama, that was so much fun". Give up using the pronoun you and always use mama, mommie, mom to reinforce who she is to you. Mom I love this song you sing, turn it on, and don't wait for her to say or think, I'm not your mom. Tape your brother and sister when they come over and point out reminders, like "Mama, we were planning your birthday party. Want to listen? We surprised you at the restaurant, today with some over. Leave the birthday party items up with her name on there. If you have a room, put your name on the door and her name on her door. Mama's kitchen. Billy Jo's bedroom. Billy Jo's Study. Use your mom's first name or favorite name. If her family used a nickname for her, use that every day because when you talk about things from her past, which she will likely remember a ton of, it's comforting to her and if she thinks you are her sister or brother, if you have to, be the sister. If you follow my guidance about Tylenol as a brain anti-inflammatory assuming her liver is in good condition like my mom's was, she shouldn't worsen and she should improve.
I can give you a list of very good herbal supplements for the brain that will help her. You can mix them in some applesauce. I would do that every day, fix her a small bowl with one each pills of galantamine, vinpocetine, NMN, PQQ, Lecithin GNC pill is fine, Phosaphtidyl Serine, 5-HTP, put some lecithin granules in the applesauce maybe a teaspoon or so, vitamin D 10,000 units, vitamin E, for CBD cannabidiol I used two things, either CBD acetate powder from a reputable source or Charlotte's Web hemp flower with CBD in it no THC or very low THC. The 0.3% THC hemp will have at least 1 molecule of THC, which Dr. Mechoulam says worked wonders with children with epilepsy, using one molecule of it, which is the smallest amount of THC to take. Anything less is not THC. I hope you understand.
Inflammation is the biggest problem in every disease and condition. If you can stop or significantly dampen inflammation of the brain, her brain will heal itself. We don't usually think of the brain healing itself. Consider a person bumps their head and gets a slight concussion; well, that's a brusing of the brain. The brain will heal that just like it does if you bump your arm and bruise it. Make notes of your mom's behavior on a calendar. When she begins to say something she hasn't said in a long time, or suprises you with something good in her actions, note it with a star. Tell her when she's done well. You got a star mom, that's the first time in 5 years you did that, said that, talked about that. Acknowledge it to her. Enhance her life 'in the moment'. With repetition it will go into long term mem.
God bless and know you are not alone. When it gets to much, trust in the Lord, for He is always with you. Be very specific in your prayer requests. He will answer that request and give you so much more. Believe!
One thing you can try is to show your mom a picture of your sister when she was about 10 years younger and see if she knows who she is. If not, go back another 10 years, and if she then recognizes her, keep going back until she recognizes her. This will let you know how far her dementia has progressed and where she is. It will also help you better understand what she is going through.
This is harder on the family at this stage than it is for the person with dementia. Remember this; you did not cause your mom to have this horrible disease. You and your sister are not at fault! The best way to help your mom is to become a powerful advocate for her.
Cheryl J. Wilson, M.S.
You can tell her that this is 'the other Billie Jo', or you can come up with another name. You can't make sense with someone whose brain is deteriorating.
When she calls to discuss it, agree with her. Just say, "I know!", and then, "how is the other Billie Jo?"
It's all very strange and it doesn't make sense to YOU because she is confused. Maybe pretend she is now an alien from outer space and you are learning her language.
My father is so confused but you would think it is the absolute God's truth that I am the most awful person in the world. He is so convinced what he says about me it is scary.
It is amazing to think of what happens to a person with dementia. There really are no good days.
Medicine has kept our hearts going only failing to know how to keep our minds working.
tou have provided me options on how to handle bad days. Thank you
Hope that helps. (My dad often thinks I'm my mother or asks me when mom is coming home. I NEVER tell him she died, just that she went to the store and with traffic and the few errands she had to run, she could be a while. He feels better and forgets all about it within minutes, just knowing she'll be back calms him immediately.
Jump into their world. Best advice I have. (Thanks, David!)
It might be better to just call your sister "Billie Jo like your daughter" and leave it at that. The less everybody makes a big deal of it and moves on to other subjects, the sooner your mom will stop obsessing.
If your sister notices your mom obsessing or getting upset about other things or later in the day, talk to mom's doctor. When life becomes increasingly difficult to understand, it is natural to get anxious or to act out. A mild anti-anxiety medication can help your mom to relax.
It is a part of what can happen with dementia.
Leave it alone. Do not 'fight' or 'argue' with your mom.
It is the changing brain chemistry / losing brain cells 'talking' and 'seeing' -
No, you'll never get 'her past it' - you have to learn what dementia means and how the brain functions. Go to TEEPA SNOW and watch some webinars.
While it is difficult, support your sister to not take it personally.
The brain doesn't know any better or who is who.
Understanding dementia will help the painful reality of your mom not recognizing your sister. My heart goes out to you, your sister, and your mom.
Gena / Touch Matters
Dont try to convince the person otherwise, just support that this Billy Jo seems to be doing a good job helping.
Even better use another phone from another room and call mom. It's possible she will recognize the voice, but not the face. If the phone call works, then she can tell mom on the phone that the person in her house is also named Billie and is helping 'me' take care of you. (I say this because evidently mom is still calling siblings because the voice belongs to those she remembers. If you showed up, she may have problems associating your faces to the faces she remembers in her brain).
Billie Jo may just have to go along with whoever mom thinks she is on any given day. This is much harder for BJ because she is there doing the hard work and the logical brain would think mom's memory would hang on to her longer than the rest of you because she's with her all the time. Heartbreaking to see the decline.
Here is one website: Capgras Syndrome in Lewy Body Dementia https://www.verywellhealth.com/capgras-syndrome-in-lewy-body-dementia-98556
Maureen
Also let your mom's Dr know and see if it could be one of her med's that's is doing this.
if neither of the two things above then Go With The Flow.
My 97 yr old Dad with Dementia has gone thru this and their is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change their mind.
If they think it then it is True To Them.
The Best thing to do is go with it.
Do or say whatever will make the loved one feel better.
Make it up, you don't need to give them more anxiety. Just say the real daughter had to go somewhere and this one is taking her place.
Have the daughter say ok, I'll go get the real one then step out of the room and return as the real one and say you sent the other one home.
Do and say whatever works.
Do or say what ever brings your mom Peace.
The Brain in your mom's head is not working properly and Yes, it can be awful, just think how mom must feel and only you can keep her feeling loved, safe and happy.
Prayers
The Capgras syndrome is fairly common in dementia, so the identify confusion may not have a curable physical cause, but it is always good to start with simple checks for other ailments.
Your mother can't help that she can't recall Billie Jo. I cared for my mom the last 13 months of her life and I don't think she really knew I was her daughter. It didn't bother me one bit; it was just another piece of the disease. I just focused on (and greatly appreciated) that Mom was still her sweet self, that we got along wonderfully, and I just did the best I could to make her happy and keep her safe.
I do like Chickie1's recommendation.
For great advice on how best to care for a person with dementia, see Teepa Snow, expert on dementia/Alzheimers extraordinaire, for her insightful and easy-to-understand videos on YouTube or the this website: https://teepasnow.com/