My mom has dementia. I am her caregiver. She has lived with me for over a year. Today, out of the blue at her doctor appointment she made me leave the room then told the doctor I withhold food from her. I have never skipped a meal for her. She has been in good health this whole year. I was questioned by her doctor about this. I told him this is not true. He said he can tell she is eating because she is healthy. Now he is obligated to send someone out to question me. I am very upset by all this. Mom doesn't remember saying anything to her doctor nor does she remember asking me to leave room so she could talk. This came out of left field. We always get along. There has been nothing but love and understanding and excellent care given to her. I know it's her dementia and I dont fault her for this. It just is a horrible and sad experience both she and I went through today. Any words of support are welcome. Thank you.
APS workers are very experienced with investigating things like this. It will not take them very long to realize your mom is compromised and an investigation will go nowhere.
As for feeding Mom, can you try “grazing”? Give her a half sandwich, say, and then when she asks for more, give her the other half.
As in the case with your mom, these remarks came seeming from out of the blue. As we all know, there is no way to “reason” with a person with dementia because “reason” has left the building. We certainly cannot ask our LO “why?” or “what?” prompted the thought, nor would it matter—even if we got an answer, what would be the point?
At times like these, after a few deep breaths, I find it helpful to remind myself that the brain of a person with dementia works differently than ours. Logic, and reason are gone. Judgement is poor. Confabulation and lying is common—imagination can run amok with paranoia and we know all about how tricky memory can be. So is it any surprise at all confusion reigns? And that, we, as beloved caregivers, end up as the targets for most outrageous comments?
The most we can do is protect ourselves emotionally as fiercely as we should be doing physically. I mentally bite my tongue so I won’t lash out verbally in return and/or walk away to cool down, if I need to. Call a friend with a sympathetic ear. Take a break.
Do what you need to get past it! The upside is: your LO will probably forget all about what she said, long before you do. No need to carry it with you!
I hope my words bring you some comfort. Prayers go with them!
My grandmother also tried to get her sitter to report my parents to APS just because they DARED to take a vacation for a week! They made all sorts of arrangements with neighbors and sitters to make sure she was cared for while they were away. She was not an invalid. She just needed someone to provide meals, ensure she took her meds and check on her multiple times daily.
In any event, I know you will be cleared of any 'wrongdoing' when APS (or whomever) comes to 'question' you. I'm sorry you have to be put through such an ordeal, too, after being such a loving and caring daughter for your mother. It's nobody's 'fault' but dementia's......it's just a terrible disease to be burdened with, for ALL involved.
Wishing you the best of luck
I saw this at the nursing home when my mom did her rehab treatment. After I left mom’s room some of the residents wanted to chat with me so I would stay for 20 - 30 minutes more to visit with them. They would be in the television lounge area or hang out by the receptionist’s area. The receptionist was a doll and help the residents with certain things.
One man always wanted more to eat after dinner so the staff gave him a sandwich. Okay, he ate the sandwich and five minutes later he would go up to the receptionist and ask for another sandwich. She didn’t hesitate to tell him that he just ate one and would hand him a few cookies. He wasn’t a big man, either. Sort of thin. He completely forgot that he just ate. The receptionist told me that he did that all the time.
I would strongly suggest looking at getting her a new doctor. The best thing I ever did for my mom was ‘quit’ her longtime doctor and found one that came to our home. So much better!! They are out there!! Even did labs here. All covered on her insurance. I don’t know where you live but start googling! Good luck!
My grandma does the same. She constantly says that she hasn't eaten in days. Sometimes she says it as she's eating something. I thought this was common behavior for people in this state.
When APS comes out to check on things that is a perfect opportunity for you to find out what services are available to help you care for your mom. Ask them for names, numbers, referrals and anything else you can think of. There are so many programs that we never hear about until something like this happens.
They will be able to see that she is healthy and that her weight has been stable or improving and they will know that she is getting fed.
Don't fear this process, use it to get you and mom all the resources available for you both.
That your mother does not recall saying anything untoward, that she claims being denied food, tells me your mother might be slipping a bit further into dementia. Don't be surprised if she soon says she is never given water or fluids of any description. Or that she is being locked in her room, that you will not allow her any clothes to wear at all, or that you are hiding her precious belongings et al. It is all part of dementia - when those accusations start coming hot and strong it can be very confronting, especially when care givers have little experience with dementia. I have written previously about how our knowledge was limited to people simply losing their memories once dementia set in. We had no previous experience to prepare us for the realities of dementia.
Yes it is a horrible and sad experience. And it will be repeated over and over again whilst ever your mother is in your care and while the dementia progresses. If and when she is moved into a memory care unit your mother will be making the same accusations against staff. Then there will be different accusations against you - you have dumped her there to die, you are taking all her money, you won't come to visit. In the meantime the staff will be accused of locking your mother away, denying her food and water etc etc.
I am sorry to say it really is a case of just learning to roll with the proverbial punches. You cannot afford to take this personally if you want to come out the other side with your own sanity intact. Courage and strength to you as you and your mother take this horribly difficult ride.
Best wishes, I’ve had my mom forget she ate but not be insistent about it if I tell her otherwise. Maybe leave the used plates and whatnot out for a lot longer!
At mealtimes, just the two of us, I set up two plates, encouraging her to help, and a smaller cereal bowl.
Later, when she begins to forage
for more food, the backup is ready in clear view— same spot on a uncluttered shelf in the refrigerator, next to her Diet Coke (which is another issue!).
Usually I have two choices always ready and wrapped with plastic - 1/2 sandwich, cottage cheese and yogurt, fancy oatmeal. For now, It gives me a gauge on
how and what she eats besides bread and cookies. When she is in a panic “I haven’t eaten” I can calmly direct her to the ready choices and I feel good that i already put the effort in.
My mom would frequently have just eaten and then ask 'am I going to get anything to eat today?" or tell visitors or caretakers that 'I haven't had anything to eat all day'. Fortunately after not too long we'd all had the experience of feeding her and then being accused of NOT feeding her. It does come with the territory and I'd think anyone who deals with the elderly (and most doctors and nurses) will know this. With family it's often a matter of educating them. Good luck, I know firsthand how frustrating this is!!
The day will come when she will refuse to eat - I had that with my DH. And then he claimed I hadn't fed him. At first I would tell him that he ate - and then I mentally slapped myself upside my head - I could get him to eat when he thought he hadn't had anything to eat!! Worst case scenario was he'd have 2 meals instead of none.
Even his doctor and nurses thought I did the right thing by just fixing him another meal. Eventually he was down to drinking Ensure Plus for his meals and it didn't hurt to squeeze in another Ensure when he thought he hadn't eaten.
Were you afraid that he would report you?
Fruit, yogurt, cheese and crackers maybe, veggies and a dip.
Possibly break meals into 2 smaller meals so breakfast might be an egg and a slice of toast a few hours later another slice of toast with jam. Lunch might be a bowl of soup and a few hours later a sandwich.
One of the 2 things that happens with dementia is forgetting to eat or forgetting that you have eaten so one of 2 things happen a person does not eat simply because they forget to or they continuously eat because they forgot that they have already eaten.
I am surprised the doctor took the comment seriously given that he had examined her and found no signs of weight loss. But anyone in that profession is a Mandated Reporter of abuse and or neglect so I can see why the report was filed. (seeing both sides of the coin here folks)
When you do get a call or a knock on the door requesting a visit or a talk be open, honest with them.
I kept a log book almost like a daily journal when I was caring for my Husband. I wrote down how the shower went, what he had for breakfast lunch and dinner, "poop report" and anything that happened during the day. If you have something like that anyone can see that she is eating, what she had and when. (good to keep this info so you can catch any declines when it comes to swallowing, pocketing, choking and things like that)
Don't stress about a report that has no basis, worry about the ones that are true. And sadly there are probably more true reports than false!
The point is not how and when to feed her but that her dementia has her believing that, in effect, you are mistreating her. You could stuff her full all day long, and she might still say that.
It's a terrible situation and I can imagine it would be devastating. It does sound like time to consider placement in a nice care facility of some kind. Even if you're investigated and they determine there's nothing there, she might claim some form of abuse again in the future.
Cannot recall from just minutes earlier, and so I let it go. It’s awful when you really see how short term the memory really can get.
Sorry your mom thinks your not feeding her. I’m sure your a loving concerned daughter, and as much as you now have to deal with APS or whomever, I’d just continue to do what your doing. Things will work out, and your mom is very lucky to have you caring for her.
placed in a facility due to increased needs. YOU are the priority today!