My mom is at the end of her days on hospice care and she still recognizes us. My brother sister and I and our families all live very close so one of us is there daily to visit her. I have gone almost daily. She lights up a bit when she sees her grandchildren walk in or even her best friend. It is hard for me to describe my relationship with my mom but it was the most beautiful love story. She and I have always been so close and I am 45 years old, however just recently she doesn't want me or my dad there. She won't hold my hand and she speaks very few words but has mustered the ability to tell me to "get out" twice and she looks at me with total anger and almost detest. She is only doing this with me and my Dad. I am heart broken and its making the end even worse. I don't want this to be what I remember. My loved ones are trying to justify that it is because we are the closest and also my Dad, her partner for 56 years, that it's too painful for her to leave us so she has to pull away. I haven't found anyone else who has experienced this. I want to honor my mom's wishes but has anyone experienced this first hand? I would be so thankful to hear any feedback or advice on how to get through this.
Don't you think that makes sense?
But it can't make it much easier for you. Can you and your father perhaps think of things you can do for your mother, in the house but not in her room? Setting her breakfast tray, folding her clothes, the kind of task that you can do with loving care without intruding on her. Also, I should stay nearby anyway, in case she changes her mind.
What does the hospice team advise? They may be able to put you in touch with counsellors. Of course they are there for your mother, and they will prioritise her needs and wishes, but supporting family members is also part of the hospice role.
Coping With a Dying Loved One's Anger
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross theorized that people often go through predictable stages when they are coping with inevitable death. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone goes through every stage, and certainly not always in order, but most dying people will experience a stage of anger and resentment.
Anger is a normal reaction to severe loss. A dying person stands to lose everything and everybody that is important to him. He may feel robbed by his illness. If he believes in a higher power, he may blame his God for causing his illness or not curing it. He might even resent his family and friends for continuing to live their lives while he slowly loses his own. He may feel that the doctor isn’t being straight with him, his nurses don’t respond to his demands quickly enough, and that the world has already started to forget him.
Dealing With a Dying Person's Anger
Anger is easily projected onto others, so it’s only natural if your loved one’s anger is directed at you.
If you find yourself dealing with an angry dying person, here are five tips to help you help them.
1.Maintain Adult-Adult Relationships: It’s often easy to treat a sick person like a child; it’s in human nature to care for and infantilize the sick. When you fall into this pattern, what was once an adult-adult relationship becomes one of adult-child. Treating a dying adult as you would a child is likely to backfire and increase the anger a dying person is already feeling.
2 You may have fallen into this pattern without even realizing it, and you will likely see anger directed at you for doing so. It is frustrating and humiliating enough to lose your independence and privacy without being treated like a child. A dying person typically wants to remain in control of themselves, their life, and their decisions for as long as possible. Empowering a dying person to make their own decisions, express their feelings, and remain as independent as possible is an important way to help them move through their anger.
3.Don’t Take it Personally: Angry people sometimes look for someone to blame. When the anger is directed at you, it’s difficult not to take it personally and wonder, what did I do wrong? It’s important to remember that the dying person is not angry at you, but at the illness and his situation in general.3 Although his anger might be directed towards you, it is not by any fault of your own.
..continued......
Go Ahead and Get Mad...at the Illness Itself: Understanding where a dying person's anger is coming from helps you realize that his anger is justified. Redirecting anger towards the illness can help the dying person cope with their feelings. It might be helpful to be angry with the dying person's true target. After all, you stand to lose something as well. Go ahead and get mad at the illness.
5.Understand Righteous Anger: A dying person may feel embarrassed, ashamed, or shocked after an emotional outburst. He may say something like, “I can’t believe I just said that. That’s not like me at all.” You might be thinking the same thing. Realizing and accepting that anger is normal and okay can help a dying person embrace and move through the anger stage of the dying process.
Talking about righteous anger together and sharing in the discovery of feelings of loss can reduce suffering.
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About 10 days before my father died, he stopped talking to me completely. We'd spoken prior, and said what needed to be said, but it always felt odd to me that he'd NEVER uttered another word to me afterward. Granted, he was pretty much out of it for several of those days, but still. I'm glad you asked this question because this article has been very helpful for me as well.
Wishing you all the best during this very difficult time. And sending you a big hug.
I found some excuses to be, In the area & just drop by...I lived an hour away, but did have some activities that were only 15 minutes away.
Often they do not want the ones they love the most to see & remember them at their worst. Try more phone calls!
Remember side effects of the illness or medications can cause urgency & long bathroom visits. Not what makes anyone in the mood for company.
My beloved mom was in hospice in a hospital. She didn't want us to see her suffer. I was the closest one to her (besides her husband, my father, who she was married to for over 58.5 wonderful, incredible years). Her main fear was not about dying, but about leaving all of us. I was her closest child...her confidante, best friend. We told each other everything...no secrets. Despite her saying she didn't want us to see her like this...I did not leave her side for 13 days and nights in Hospice. I stayed with her, sang to her, held her hand, brushed her hair, made sure she received the pain medicine the minute it was due. It was THE hardest thing to do but, it was my mom. She would have NEVER left me alone so why would I?
Point being...despite what your mom says, she loves you and vice-versa. If it were me, I'd keep doing what you are doing (even though it's incredibly hard to see her like this). Know, in your heart (and your dad's, too) that she loves you tremendously and is scared of leaving you. She's not mad at you. Why would she be mad? You sound like a special, special person and daughter. You should be proud of yourself and how you are taking care of your mom. You are doing the right thing. My prayers are with you.
If you need to talk...I'm here for you.
Make it as short as she wants it.
Don't even bring up anything about her telling you to get out.
Bring her a treat, give her a hug and kiss and as soon as she tells you to get out, just smile and say you love her and you'll see her later.
Perhaps you can show up often and hope that she will soften her demand? I wish we had tried harder to see my sister. Please know - it's nothing that you have caused. You and your dad need to support and comfort each other, and you need that from your other family members, too.
One day when she was very weak but alert and oriented, she told daughter A to go to lunch while daughters B and C remained with her. After a few minutes, she asked daughter B to got to the central refrigerator for some ice.
Finally, a few minutes more and she told daughter C that she needed sister B to bring a popsicle from the freezer along with the ice.
In the brief time she was alone, she died. Returning to her room, her daughters realized that she had, by strength of will, in her own way spared them the moment of her loss.
Still, somewhere in her heart she still needs you there. Take breaks and hide your hurt feelings when around her. Try to remember the good times. This is not your same mom emotionally and physically from years past. This is someone struggling to let go of a long and pleasurable life but wanting to be sure everyone is ok with that. She’s losing her control. As hard as it is, don’t take what she says personally. She sees you & your dad as the best part of her life and soon that will be gone. Be strong and pray for strength. You can do this. She knows how much you love her.
It seems your loved one is doing her own version of saying good bye. She may be thinking, "I already said good bye to you," when she sees you or her spouse. Instead of focusing on the negative, ask her what she feels she still needs to accomplish in life. Help her to accomplish these goals and you may find your times together more satisfying.
I didn't know this was possible except for one friend whose mom accused her of stealing when she was dying. This friend told me that it takes time, a lot of it, to heal.
This is an excruciatingly painful experience and this forum has proven the best place for questions and concerns like these. I can't add to their advice as I'm still struggling with trying to heal, but do know YOU ARE NOT ALONE with this heart breaking issue. And THANK YOU for posting this question!
Giving you a huge hug, and some flowers, and chocolate too. And another hug...
I lost my dear sister--my best friend--13 yrs ago to pancreatic cancer. If she would have said she didn't want to see me because it "hurt too much," I would have said (lovingly) "Tough! It hurts me too much, too. I'm staying right here." I last saw her 2 days before she passed. I would've stayed by her side until the end, but my then husband insisted we head back home 4hrs away. As it was, my parents and daughter were with her. I wish more than anything I could've been there for THEM.