My mom is at the end of her days on hospice care and she still recognizes us. My brother sister and I and our families all live very close so one of us is there daily to visit her. I have gone almost daily. She lights up a bit when she sees her grandchildren walk in or even her best friend. It is hard for me to describe my relationship with my mom but it was the most beautiful love story. She and I have always been so close and I am 45 years old, however just recently she doesn't want me or my dad there. She won't hold my hand and she speaks very few words but has mustered the ability to tell me to "get out" twice and she looks at me with total anger and almost detest. She is only doing this with me and my Dad. I am heart broken and its making the end even worse. I don't want this to be what I remember. My loved ones are trying to justify that it is because we are the closest and also my Dad, her partner for 56 years, that it's too painful for her to leave us so she has to pull away. I haven't found anyone else who has experienced this. I want to honor my mom's wishes but has anyone experienced this first hand? I would be so thankful to hear any feedback or advice on how to get through this.
Coping With a Dying Loved One's Anger
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross theorized that people often go through predictable stages when they are coping with inevitable death. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone goes through every stage, and certainly not always in order, but most dying people will experience a stage of anger and resentment.
Anger is a normal reaction to severe loss. A dying person stands to lose everything and everybody that is important to him. He may feel robbed by his illness. If he believes in a higher power, he may blame his God for causing his illness or not curing it. He might even resent his family and friends for continuing to live their lives while he slowly loses his own. He may feel that the doctor isn’t being straight with him, his nurses don’t respond to his demands quickly enough, and that the world has already started to forget him.
Dealing With a Dying Person's Anger
Anger is easily projected onto others, so it’s only natural if your loved one’s anger is directed at you.
If you find yourself dealing with an angry dying person, here are five tips to help you help them.
1.Maintain Adult-Adult Relationships: It’s often easy to treat a sick person like a child; it’s in human nature to care for and infantilize the sick. When you fall into this pattern, what was once an adult-adult relationship becomes one of adult-child. Treating a dying adult as you would a child is likely to backfire and increase the anger a dying person is already feeling.
2 You may have fallen into this pattern without even realizing it, and you will likely see anger directed at you for doing so. It is frustrating and humiliating enough to lose your independence and privacy without being treated like a child. A dying person typically wants to remain in control of themselves, their life, and their decisions for as long as possible. Empowering a dying person to make their own decisions, express their feelings, and remain as independent as possible is an important way to help them move through their anger.
3.Don’t Take it Personally: Angry people sometimes look for someone to blame. When the anger is directed at you, it’s difficult not to take it personally and wonder, what did I do wrong? It’s important to remember that the dying person is not angry at you, but at the illness and his situation in general.3 Although his anger might be directed towards you, it is not by any fault of your own.
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Don't you think that makes sense?
But it can't make it much easier for you. Can you and your father perhaps think of things you can do for your mother, in the house but not in her room? Setting her breakfast tray, folding her clothes, the kind of task that you can do with loving care without intruding on her. Also, I should stay nearby anyway, in case she changes her mind.
What does the hospice team advise? They may be able to put you in touch with counsellors. Of course they are there for your mother, and they will prioritise her needs and wishes, but supporting family members is also part of the hospice role.