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Usually when she is in respite care, I visit her every day for 1-2 hours. I find this excessive, but it keeps her from being lonely and bored. My mom has a lot of problems with her hands, so its hard for her to use a phone to call people. She can't work a smart phone or even her flip phone without assistance. She doesn't read. She basically just watches TV.


I don't want to visit her this time as much. I need rest. I'm so mentally tired. Right now I'm packing her bag and she's at the hospital (she was in there for a UTI) but she couldn't eat her meal properly and wants me to come out there and get her food together to take it with her to the facility. I don't want to do this either. I called the facility and asked them could they have food ready for her when she gets there.


Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me the truth. I just want to rest. I feel like even trying to rest I have a ton of responsibility.


I need rest, but also would like to catch up on household chores. Get the house all clean, the laundry all done, and do things for myself that I haven't done in a while. I can't do that if I'm worried about her constantly, or if she calls me crying about something or anything like that. I worry that the room is going to be cold and she won't have her nice warm bed. I worry that she's not going to have her own TV, that she'll have to share it. Should I take her TV to the facility? She's only going to be in there a few days, maybe like 4 days?


How do people usually treat respite care? Is it okay to not go out there at all to visit??

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Just an update on this - My mom seems fine. She had a fit on the day she got there, told me to leave and was very upset. But now she has made some friends, likes the people working there and seems just as fine as when she's at home. Thank you guys! This caregiving business is so stressful and makes me and my mom irrational.
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surprise Jan 2020
So glad she's made friends! That takes the pressure off of you!
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Here is the definition of Respite: a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.

I strongly suggest you take this short period of rest and relief that you're getting..........and stop worrying. Worry is a waste of time and energy on something that's very unlikely to happen! This is time you won't get back, either, so may as well make the most of it. Your mother is a grown woman who will be just fine without your constant attention.

Good luck!
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DO NOT go visit her.

She WILL be fine.

Don't talk to her and you won't have to hear every stupid, petty complaint. Let the staff take care of her.

It is 4 days, even if she didn't have a TV at all she would survive. I know, I don't have a TV in my home and never will, we do just fine.

You are only responsible for her boredom because you choose to be.

It is called respite for a reason. Please take care of you for a change.
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I thought the point of respite was for the carer to have a complete break
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Well, can be but the OP is looking for care due to having surgery, recovery time.
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You worry that her room will be too cold?

Tell me. Do YOU think that your worries are mainly rooted in possible genuine problems, or mainly rooted in your not taking personal direct responsibility for her care for those few precious days?

We have a tendency to end up thinking, even if subconsciously, that we are the only ones who can take proper care of our loved ones. We therefore feel terrible if the slightest technical hitch, teething trouble, mild inconvenience or momentary discomfort even might happen.

You give them your emergency contact number. I personally used to send my mother a daily email (asking the reception desk to print it off for her) with cat updates and my love but I didn't visit and couldn't call her for the full five days (day 1 is dropping off, day 7 is picking up - you don't really get the whole week off). My mother could have, was encouraged to join in all kinds of activities but she preferred to sit in her room and hold her breath. I had to harden my heart about it, but that really was up to her. There was nothing wrong with the facility, its residents, or its lovely staff.

So presuming your selected respite facility is one you know and trust, trust them. For four days they will cope, and you can sleep.

And don't make your To Do list too ambitious; or if you must then at least include things like Bubble Bath, Watch DVD, Go For Walk on it.
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So happy to hear that your mom has adjusted and has made friends (1/3 post). Since mom has now adjusted, would you consider allowing her to stay there full time? That way you can stop being the busy bee and be the loving daughter who *visits* instead of worries.
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Respite is for the caregiver to rest, I put my mom in respite twice a year for 2 weeks each. We go on vacation, it is such a relief not have to care for her. I don’t feel bad cause I know she is is good hands. She is the one who puts the guilt trip on me. But I tell her I need a rest. She says I don’t bother anyone, that’s just it she doesn’t, she can’t do anything for herself she doesn’t consider how much it takes to take care of her every day!
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Stop worrying about her and use your time to unwind, decompress, clean, whatever YOU want. You need this time for yourself.....she will be fine.
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Your visiting her everyday is overkill, and your are overthinking the entire process, your are awfulizing, doing this to yourself...for no reason...what's the point if you are going let her occupy your entire thought process? You might as well just keep her at home.

You have conditioned yourself to be her savior, to make everything perfect for her, that thought process is not realistic, nothing in her life or yours has ever been perfect... it is time to let go and take care of you, she will be fine, she is a big girl not a baby. Don't visit..geesh it's only a few days...
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thedaughter23 Jan 2020
My mom gets extremely upset over the smallest things. And she won't drop the matter unless I talk to her about it and soothe her. If I ignore her, which I'm afraid not visiting is, she will raise hell for days or bring it up out of nowhere. She will throw a fit for HOURS. I have lost sleep before over her fits.

I do cater to her too much and I do think that me always being there and always calming her down has been too much.
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My impression is you & your Mum are living the same life. That's why it's so hard to separate & even when you do separate physically (like respite), mentally you are still thinking & worrying. Reading these threads, you are certainly not alone - it seems to happen a lot. This over-caring thing.

But I am pleased you are taking the respite. Many don't & really burn out. Maybe getting that short respite, then taking a longer respite (ie for a holiday) & your own interests & hobbies would help get some perspective. And time to think about what you want too. Everyone needs their own life journey.
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thedaughter23 Jan 2020
Yes. I don't think my mom realizes how much of my life is only her. I basically do not have a life - everything is about my mom's happiness. She seems to lack empathy. Sure, she'll tell me she loves me and appreciates it sometimes, but I honestly don't believe her. I do not believe that the nursing home can make her as comfortable as I can. She needs her feet propped up, needs to be turned a certain way, needs the cover on her the exact way. She isn't going to get that. There is no heater either, which makes me think she's going to be cold.

I honestly do not know who I am. I mean, I know who I am, but I'm not allowed to be who I am. It's incredibly sad. In order to forget about how sad it is, I just continue to care. Because the alternative is really scary.
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