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Usually when she is in respite care, I visit her every day for 1-2 hours. I find this excessive, but it keeps her from being lonely and bored. My mom has a lot of problems with her hands, so its hard for her to use a phone to call people. She can't work a smart phone or even her flip phone without assistance. She doesn't read. She basically just watches TV.


I don't want to visit her this time as much. I need rest. I'm so mentally tired. Right now I'm packing her bag and she's at the hospital (she was in there for a UTI) but she couldn't eat her meal properly and wants me to come out there and get her food together to take it with her to the facility. I don't want to do this either. I called the facility and asked them could they have food ready for her when she gets there.


Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me the truth. I just want to rest. I feel like even trying to rest I have a ton of responsibility.


I need rest, but also would like to catch up on household chores. Get the house all clean, the laundry all done, and do things for myself that I haven't done in a while. I can't do that if I'm worried about her constantly, or if she calls me crying about something or anything like that. I worry that the room is going to be cold and she won't have her nice warm bed. I worry that she's not going to have her own TV, that she'll have to share it. Should I take her TV to the facility? She's only going to be in there a few days, maybe like 4 days?


How do people usually treat respite care? Is it okay to not go out there at all to visit??

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BTW, I put that backwards. I have respite care, not her. lol. Sorry.
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You aren’t being unreasonable at all. Your mother is in a facility with a team of people to take care of her. Rest assured, she is fine. Enjoy your respite. Don’t pick up the phone if she calls. The facility will call you if there is a problem. You don’t need to visit here daily. She doesn’t have to be lonely and bored unless she chooses too. The facility has other residents and activities she can join. As far as a TV, if her room doesn’t have one she can always watch TV in the common areas. I know it’s hard, please for your sake, try not to think about what she won’t have and what she might need. She’s going to respite care for 4 days. She will be fine without you. Enjoy your respite!!!
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DO NOT go visit her.

She WILL be fine.

Don't talk to her and you won't have to hear every stupid, petty complaint. Let the staff take care of her.

It is 4 days, even if she didn't have a TV at all she would survive. I know, I don't have a TV in my home and never will, we do just fine.

You are only responsible for her boredom because you choose to be.

It is called respite for a reason. Please take care of you for a change.
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Stop worrying about her and use your time to unwind, decompress, clean, whatever YOU want. You need this time for yourself.....she will be fine.
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Here is the definition of Respite: a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.

I strongly suggest you take this short period of rest and relief that you're getting..........and stop worrying. Worry is a waste of time and energy on something that's very unlikely to happen! This is time you won't get back, either, so may as well make the most of it. Your mother is a grown woman who will be just fine without your constant attention.

Good luck!
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Your visiting her everyday is overkill, and your are overthinking the entire process, your are awfulizing, doing this to yourself...for no reason...what's the point if you are going let her occupy your entire thought process? You might as well just keep her at home.

You have conditioned yourself to be her savior, to make everything perfect for her, that thought process is not realistic, nothing in her life or yours has ever been perfect... it is time to let go and take care of you, she will be fine, she is a big girl not a baby. Don't visit..geesh it's only a few days...
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thedaughter23 Jan 2020
My mom gets extremely upset over the smallest things. And she won't drop the matter unless I talk to her about it and soothe her. If I ignore her, which I'm afraid not visiting is, she will raise hell for days or bring it up out of nowhere. She will throw a fit for HOURS. I have lost sleep before over her fits.

I do cater to her too much and I do think that me always being there and always calming her down has been too much.
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There are people in the facility who will take care of her. IF YOU NEED TO... CALL THE NURSES STATION AND ASK HOW MOM IS....
If you feel something awry.... then go see her... pop in and say Hi Mom, can't stay.. just dropped by after grocery shpping... I have frozen things that need to be put away... But I will call tomorrow to see how you are.
Your mom need to rely on the staff .
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My nurse told me to get a Figgy blanket...It is a blanket with patches, pockets, and doodles on it, for LO to touch and feel, and look at.. Keeping the hands busy...

You can buy them with monograms,which is nice...

Perhaps, I will make one that I can change out different things, and add to them...

It's a great idea to keep older hands busy...
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thedaughter23 Jan 2020
I'm googling it, but not really seeing anything. Is there another name for them?
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My impression is you & your Mum are living the same life. That's why it's so hard to separate & even when you do separate physically (like respite), mentally you are still thinking & worrying. Reading these threads, you are certainly not alone - it seems to happen a lot. This over-caring thing.

But I am pleased you are taking the respite. Many don't & really burn out. Maybe getting that short respite, then taking a longer respite (ie for a holiday) & your own interests & hobbies would help get some perspective. And time to think about what you want too. Everyone needs their own life journey.
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thedaughter23 Jan 2020
Yes. I don't think my mom realizes how much of my life is only her. I basically do not have a life - everything is about my mom's happiness. She seems to lack empathy. Sure, she'll tell me she loves me and appreciates it sometimes, but I honestly don't believe her. I do not believe that the nursing home can make her as comfortable as I can. She needs her feet propped up, needs to be turned a certain way, needs the cover on her the exact way. She isn't going to get that. There is no heater either, which makes me think she's going to be cold.

I honestly do not know who I am. I mean, I know who I am, but I'm not allowed to be who I am. It's incredibly sad. In order to forget about how sad it is, I just continue to care. Because the alternative is really scary.
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Oh please take this time for yourself. Four days isn’t that long. Won’t they have a television there? They have a community room where residents can watch a program if they like.

Do what you want to do for these four days. You need and deserve a break. Four days will go by quickly so take advantage of every minute. You can call the facility to check on her.

Enjoy your time to yourself! Hugs!
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You are doing an amazing job of caring for your Mother but just as everyone says, taking care of you is so important too 💜.

I am trying meditation, yoga & walk for a bit of self-healing. I'm trialling Smiling Mind & Headspace apps & I do YouTube yoga (Adriene from Texas is my favourite) but there are heaps out there. I'm also attempting a 'couch to 5K' program to get some fitness, energy & motivation back (via a podcast). All are free. My aim is to create space in my brain - more space for calm (& less space for the worries to circle).

I don't know what appeals to you but try to add a little kindness to yourself everyday.
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And turn your phone ringer down or off,, just saying.. If they really need you they will leave a message . Tell mom you left the phone in the car, or the battery died.. whatever it takes to get some sleep! An spend at least some of your time off watching mindless TV or reading a good book.. not just doing chores! we just took my mom to my aunts for a few days.. I plan to spend some quality time with my Amazon Prime TV shows and a good cup of coffee,, and my hubs will too!
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You need a break as you’re burnt out. I ended up taking a leave of absence from work when my husband went into a nursing home because I had reached my limit. The nurse practitioner told me that whatever my instinct was do the opposite - meaning if I thought I should be getting the house in order I should relax and read a book. You really need to do some self care over these four days. Mom will survive. ❤️
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Respite care is to give you a complete break. No need to visit her at all during this time.
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Just an update on this - My mom seems fine. She had a fit on the day she got there, told me to leave and was very upset. But now she has made some friends, likes the people working there and seems just as fine as when she's at home. Thank you guys! This caregiving business is so stressful and makes me and my mom irrational.
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surprise Jan 2020
So glad she's made friends! That takes the pressure off of you!
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If she ends up liking it there maybe she would make the move. That is if she has the money.
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Moms, dads, older, are like our kids... Our kids cannot survive without us, so we think... just like our parents are doing to us now....

Our elders are capable to survive someone, whom we have helped choose to look after them, with us overlooking this scenario. You can relax a bit.. Take a breath, take a coffee break, and have a little relaxation. I did this. Went to my friend's house, about an hour away, spent the night, and went home the following day. As I was on the freeway, I get a call from my caretaker, that my aunt needs to go to hospital... cough got worse... I was hafway home. Called my wheelchair taxi guy. He got there a few minutes before me, and off to hospital we went.
This was easier than the time I took my child to a tournament in another state about 6 hours away... Saw the first game, and then the call came in... Got to come over right away..LO needs to go to hospital, fire department is here already...What a nightmare...
So, on this note, DO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE POLST and/or DNR set up. Do make sure your phone number, doctor's number, and other important phone numbers are visible. I have that information taped up over the bed of my loved one, in case anything ever happens again.... anyone can call me. Anyone can read her POLST. And everyone just knows... IT'S not a secret. It is posted....
This is the time to be open..make mom's wishes known..
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Great answer! I agree. Be prepared.
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I thought the point of respite was for the carer to have a complete break
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Well, can be but the OP is looking for care due to having surgery, recovery time.
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You are worried about her being bored? She has a TV...stop worrying. And if she is bored...guess what? That is ok. What about your needs? It sounds to me that your needs for rest and getting a few things done trumps her being bored. She will survive and 4 days later be no worse for it. So put it in proper perspective and let the staff take care of her. You can even ask them to not let her call you or at the very least have them call you if she has a question. we did this with my dad when he was in rehab and now when he's in the NH.
You matter too!!!
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Respite is for the caregiver to rest, I put my mom in respite twice a year for 2 weeks each. We go on vacation, it is such a relief not have to care for her. I don’t feel bad cause I know she is is good hands. She is the one who puts the guilt trip on me. But I tell her I need a rest. She says I don’t bother anyone, that’s just it she doesn’t, she can’t do anything for herself she doesn’t consider how much it takes to take care of her every day!
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While it is true that you need a break, my advice would be to visit your mother daily. Many mothers when raising children devote 24/7 care, support, and worry while their children are growing up. Our parents are not here forever. I have seen grown adults put their parents in a place, and go about their daily business. I have also seen the elderly parent give up because they are sad and lonely that nobody cares about them anymore, and they die. Many adult children later have regrets. Once our parents are gone, we can’t get them back. My advice is to make the most of this time, while still caring for yourself, try to put mom first.

My other experience with adult children, I find those adults who did not have children of their own, for the most part, are only concerned with themselves. While this is not true for all childless adults, I have found it to be the norm. For those of us with children, I don’t think we fully realize how important our parents are until we have children of her own and experience what it takes to raise a child.

On the other hand, some of us are just born caretakers, and some are not.
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anonymous912123 Jan 2020
Momma Marsha...Who are you to sit in judgement of others? If you have decided to spend your entire life babysitting and caretaking, that is your choice.

And to say those who do not have children are all about themselves is one of the most stupid comments I have ever read.

I do not have children, nor does my brother and we make certain our parents are properly cared for, and we do not do it by having them live with us. And we do not visit them everyday, never have, never will. They have their lives in AL, and we as adults have ours, we are not co-dependent on each other. They are in a 5* homes, have made new friends and enjoy the activities. They are with people of their own age, just as it should be.

All your posts are offensive and judgmental.
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You worry that her room will be too cold?

Tell me. Do YOU think that your worries are mainly rooted in possible genuine problems, or mainly rooted in your not taking personal direct responsibility for her care for those few precious days?

We have a tendency to end up thinking, even if subconsciously, that we are the only ones who can take proper care of our loved ones. We therefore feel terrible if the slightest technical hitch, teething trouble, mild inconvenience or momentary discomfort even might happen.

You give them your emergency contact number. I personally used to send my mother a daily email (asking the reception desk to print it off for her) with cat updates and my love but I didn't visit and couldn't call her for the full five days (day 1 is dropping off, day 7 is picking up - you don't really get the whole week off). My mother could have, was encouraged to join in all kinds of activities but she preferred to sit in her room and hold her breath. I had to harden my heart about it, but that really was up to her. There was nothing wrong with the facility, its residents, or its lovely staff.

So presuming your selected respite facility is one you know and trust, trust them. For four days they will cope, and you can sleep.

And don't make your To Do list too ambitious; or if you must then at least include things like Bubble Bath, Watch DVD, Go For Walk on it.
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The purpose of her going to respite is NOT to give HER a break but for YOU to get a break.
If she can be there for 4 days leave her there for 4 days she will be fine.
Make sure that the facility has your number. if she calls you let the call go to voicemail. (if she has a cell phone..but unless the staff helps her that is not an issue either.)
Respite is so important that even Medicare recognizes it's importance and pays for 1 week of respite per year for Hospice patients.
Don't visit.
Relax
She will be fine.
By the way if you can get someone to come in and clean, send the laundry out to one of the places that will wash, dry and fold and get a room at a nearby hotel that has a pool and truly relax! See a movie BTW..Knives Out is funny!
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Tell her a white lie. Say you are going to a "special clinic" in another part of the state to undergo a variety of health tests as insisted upon by your doctor. If pressed for details, say that the doctor was vague and it had something to do with the interaction of your thyroid, digestive system, "brain waves" and recent blood tests....If pressed for more details, say, "We'll see; that is why I am going to be undergoing tests. The results will be announced a week after I return." No matter how much she may lament and insist upon more info, or to know who "will take your place" in your absence, just say you are working on it.
When you are resting up, if she gets someone else to dial your number for her, let it go to voicemail.
We must take care of ourselves FIRST and that includes you.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
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So happy to hear that your mom has adjusted and has made friends (1/3 post). Since mom has now adjusted, would you consider allowing her to stay there full time? That way you can stop being the busy bee and be the loving daughter who *visits* instead of worries.
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A couple of weeks ago the person arranging respite care for me said to me "We take care of your Mom by taking care of you!" As someone looking after a 100 year old Mom 24/7 for years now...this first respite will be someone coming into our home and giving me 4 hours "out". We tried it out for 2 hours last week and I never once thought about Mom because I knew she was in great hands after helping the respite worker get to know Mom and her routines and watching her with my Mom. Like you, I'm a worrier and give so much to her all the time, but this time I switched it all off for 2 hours. It was such a relief. Take the time for YOU so you will be able to care for your Mom when she returns after the 4 days. Do what you want to do. Do nothing for part of the time! She will be looked after by people who deal with elderly and know what they are doing. As you noted, she is already making friends and getting used to it. :)
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When you have waves of guilt, know it's just a feeling and let it flow till it ebbs.
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I would treat respite for what it is: a respite for you from the demands of caregiving. If you want by all means, take a warm throw or blanket for her. Work with the facility on her dietary needs as well as her need for assistance with meals. As far as the TV goes, I would ask the facility their thoughts. In terms of visiting, do you have any family who can visit? Does she have any friends that can visit? I would ask the facility to help her with socialization while there so you don't feel guilty about not visiting. It's for such a short time, please take the break! You need it and by taking it you'll help her as well as yourself. Recharge yourself.
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Respite care is time for you to do exactly what you said...rest and do what you need to do. You know your Mother is in a safe place with care. May not be to her liking, but you can't continue to care for as you do without some down time. Do not visit and do not feel guilty. Maybe you can explain it to her, maybe you can't, but you need those days for you. Peace.
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Glad mom has adjusted.

Is it time to make this her new home?
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