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The daughter23 - there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking the time to mentally and physically recharge and you’ll be a better caregiver for it!!! Caregiving for a loved one is very tough business, both physically and mentally. By far, the toughest thing I have done!!!

I have had my mom in respite care three or so times over the last four years. She is in hospice care now and the hospice company nurse told me that they have families that request respite care once a month so don’t even think about feeling bad!!!!

Remember, and I know it’s a hard concept for us at times, but you have to take care of yourself to be good at taking care of others.

If you don’t go to the facility for a visit, it’s perfectly OK - don’t beat yourself up - it’s for four days after all - perhaps explain to your mother that you will be busy tending to things that need tending that way she won’t expect you.

With regards to a TV, you can request a visit prior to her stay to scope out the room.

In the end, remember you’ll be fine and so will your mom!!!

Enjoy your time, you deserve it!!!!!
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I want to cry reading this as you and I were cut from the same rock of thoughts and feelings. The last time my elder parents went to visit my out of state sibling by plane the trip went fine. And as I sat at the gate watching the departure, I knew in my heart this was going to be my last staycation of peace and quiet and the opportunity to "get things done". That was several years ago. Even at this moment I am torn between being grateful I had the chance to get all that cleaning and organizing done, or regretting my damn stupidity on not just relaxing the peace and quiet and savoring the down time.
You need some down time. She's in a place where she'll be looked after. I never was a liar, but sometimes for survival we have to. So you have a cold or feel like you're coming down with one. And you don't go. And you try very hard to savor and enjoy your well deserved time off. Four days will go in a blink. Try hard not to answer the phone. Tell her your phone died/battery dead/broken wire. Of course let a staff person know in an EMERGENCY they can reach you.
If you can afford it, have someone come in one of the days to clean the house for you.
If you can't stop from worrying, it won't be of much benefit. Yes, if you can, take her own TV so that's another worry you can take off your list.
Do all you possibly can to enjoy every second. With no guilt!
Now I am lucky that mom will typically go out every other Saturday with dad to get her hair washed/blown dry. I call that my "golden hour". Which I am off to deal with right now...I can tidy up a bit, steal her robe to launder that she lives in...it's the only time I have aside from the wee hours of the night.
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PS: I read an article recently from a publication based in Canada (I'm in the US) and it was discussing "emotional labour". As I recall it is the effort we extend when we are forced to put on a "face" or act a certain way (i.e. patient, kind, supportive) when we are feeling angry, upset or out of patience). It was discussing issues in the workplace, but for me it rang true as far as caregiving.
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Sounds like she's sucking the life out of you.
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Goodness me, by the way you were describing your situation I thought you were going to say your mother was going into Respite for months. Just 4 days? It will not hurt your mother to not even hear from you in that time. You have thoroughly spoilt your mother and she is milking it for all it is worth. The Respite facility will take care of your mothers needs, it may well not be to her satisfaction, but that might make her appreciate you a little more. There again, it may not. Whichever way it goes she will not be happy so dont waste your down time trying to appease her.
I suggest once your mother is in the facility you ask they keep her for at least a week, two would be better. It is called Respite for a reason. Recharging your own batteries with a decent rest .... not spending the entire time playing catch up with chores and visiting her ... is essential for you if you are going to continue caring for your mother at home. Personally, I would be taking the opportunity to arrange for your mother to remain in permanent care. If you are honest with yourself you will see her needs are going to increase and her emotional neediness, which you have obviously been enabling, will eventually strangle you. Rather than visit, make a daily call to the facility to check on her welfare. You do not have to speak to her directly. Lack of contact for only 4 days will not hurt her. If you were unconscious in hospital she would have to rely on staff, so why not now?
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I send my husband to respite atleast every month so I can get a much needed break. Respite stay is usually 5 days and he comes home on the 6th day. Just make sure she has enough clothing and supplies to cover her stay, if she is prone to having accidents. While your mom is in the hospital, you could make a trip to the respite facility and speak with the DON regarding any instructions regarding your mom. You could also ask to see what room she will be in and if she will be sharing. Most rooms, if she is sharing with someone, each person has their own TV and remote, they are usually mounted to the wall in front of their beds. Take this time to relax and plan monthly respite for your mom, you need to have your own time too and don't just stay home and clean, RELAX AND TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE FLOWERS.
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CaregiverL Jan 2020
Chill, how is his respite care paid for? Thanks 😊
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When my mom went to a rehab after a hospital visit, I had the choice of rehab or home. I felt I needed some time for myself as I was so exhausted. My mom has never done good in rehab but I really felt I needed some time for myself, even though I went to visit nearly every day. I feel I made a huge mistake letting her go there as she wouldn't do any exercises, refused her meds and was refusing getting washed up. So after her being there a short time, we had her discharged and she came home doing so badly. For all that happened, I would have taken her home and no rehab. I went thru much and she suffered much.
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mally1 Jan 2020
She chose that....
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Respite is for you. You will have to repeat this several times before and after a brief visit. Stay at home take care of yourself. Tell her my mind and body needs rest. When you say this look exhausted. Tell her I will come and take you home (and ofRespit) give her a day or...
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This quote by Mark Twain helps:

Worry is like paying a debt
YOU
don’t owe!

Another one I use when entering my
home (now my sanctuary or sacred space).
“Always leave your worries at the door”.

If you must - 5 minutes or so. Give yourself a very limited time to “worry”. Write them down in a notebook and leave them in a basket at the door. Trust me, you give enough of yourself and your time doing caregiving. The worry part will only harm you.

One more, try a rocking chair! Supposedly you can’t worry while you rock.
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So your mother has to have her feet just so, and her blanket just so? Sounds like she is very spoiled. What will happen to her if you die? Many caregivers die before the person they are caring for, I have heard as high as 40%. You need to take care of your self first, or you won't be around to care for her. I firmly believe the stress I was living under at one time in my life triggered cancer by destroying my immune system. I don't do stress anymore.

You said, "If I ignore her, which I'm afraid not visiting is, she will raise hell for days or bring it up out of nowhere. She will throw a fit for HOURS. I have lost sleep before over her fits". If she acts this way again, warn her you aren't putting up with it anymore. Leave the room, the house, whatever until she learns to behave herself. Even if you sit out on the curb. You wouldn't put up with this kind of actions from a 2 year old, don't put up with it from a 82 year old (or however old your mom is).

Perhaps you need to read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud, or get some help from a counselor. When I was in therapy, it took me 3 weeks to just say "no, I won't do that". THREE darn weeks. The second time it was easier.

Hugs on your journey to taking care of yourself.
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Beatty Jan 2020
"no, I won't do that". Three weeks... you did good I think! I am embaressed to say it took me a-l-o-t longer than that! But little by little, I have got better at it.

My daughter had a happy emoji on her hand to cheer her up. I may write NO on my palm, ha ha
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It is ok not to visit. Respite is supposed to be a break for you. It’s not a break if you still visit.
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I always went to visit my mother every few days, she was always in there for 7 days, but you REALLY NEED RESPITE!!! I would tell your mother that you are not going to contact her, visit her - nothing, that you need to REST or you will not be good for her going forward. This way she has the expectation that she will not hear from you for 4 days, which goes by fast...you need this for you.
I do not think you are being unreasonable.
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Can someone explain exactly how ‘respite’ care works if they are going to a place away from home? Is this paid out of pocket? Is there a minimum? Do you have to have a referral?
Thanks!
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worriedinCali Jan 2020
It all depends. I believe original medicare pays for up to 5 days respite care. Same if the person is on hospice. If the person is not on hospice and is on Medicaid, then depending on the state & program, Medicaid may pay for it. Home & community based waivers pay for respite. Otherwise....you have to pay out of pocket for it.
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Give yourself the break that you need, else you totally faint or fall ill.
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Google the word Respite and you get a definition that respite applies to care givers who need a short break from unpleasant chores. It does not apply to the patient as you have stated. If you turn what you said around and look at yourself as the one who needs the respite you will get a better idea of your dilemma and see how to handle it. You should take the respite break by putting your M in some sort of care facility, and then doing all those things you want to do. Live the respite. For you it may be a matter of how you are looking at it that you need to change. I hope it works.
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One of the things that staff told me was how hard it was to get the family to actually take a rest and leave the person in their care. One lady stayed with her husband about 12 hours a day. Needless to say, she didn't get any rest and didn't get her house clean either! I went about once a day for about one hour. Didn't get much rest, because I tried to clean up the house also.
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MAYDAY Jan 2020
For me, forget the house, noboby comes over anyway....
I know, I know. It is not for guests.... I am over 40 and I know it... My friend says it: YOU HAVE UNOPENED MAIL.... RECYCLE IT ALREADY!!! No, you don't have to shred.... just put it t the bottom of the cat/dog bag... If anyone wants it let him go through what we do all the time....!!! It's stinky, but go ahead.

These bodies of ours are harder than we can imagine... and imagine what your LO is going through.... "hearts love" Their bodies won't give out, until it is time...For her, for you, for whomever....
I don't thin you hear this one... I slipped over the pool sweep/broom. I had old slippery sandals on, and yes I stepped on this thing, and it swept me right over the pool edge... right leg first, then my head... Ok, I think, I can hold my breath... I did, I relaxed, closed eyes, and let my body follow....
I think to myself, I didn't get a deep enough breath, and went to get one, it my favorite way to relax... sorry,,,,, floating face down, weightless... yes, fat floats so I float too. oops. When I came about... I found myself under the pool cover... over a couple feet from the edge.... Couldn't get up... I was stuck... found my self at the ground and forced my self up, grabbed the swim step, gulped a bit of air, and aimed for the edge. held on an yelled for superwoman.... my nextdoor neighbor Mickie who takes care of 2 of ther great grandkids.... :) Well, by the time she found me, I found a chair to sit in. Must have asked her for 2 hours straight if my hubby was mad.. He wasn't home from work yet... Things happen quickly. she got me dried off, and walked me to her home for a bite to eat... Wonderful woman... superwoman... honestly.... not by this story, just what she does.
Last itme I walked with my friemd K.. she told me she was syphing rainwater from a hose, and a small rock got lodged in throat...She thought she was a gonner... This body can get through lots... She ;managed to get it out somehow... Thank God !!!
So, you an d mom can get through this week... It is a day by day issue you will dp good
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My mom has some OCD, I think, as she, too "has" to have everything in her apt just so. Because of this, I only go see her once a week now, and if she gets to micro managing me too badly, I tell her I have to go, and DO it. Much less stress; it's way too hard to keep up with "blanket like this, pillows just so, make the drink 1/2 water and 1/3 pop, adjust the window 2", No, not 1 1/2 " - 2". Aaargh! Once a week is more than enough; you have no idea how relieved you'll be after even 4 days!
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Beatty Jan 2020
I'm off to look for an OCD thread now...
I've had to shorten visits & now reducing. Just can't deal with it :(
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Mom is okay today... these emotions can go any which way and quickly... especially if she is in a new place, and she doesn't have her way.... My neighbor is eperiencing this now. Ma is on numorous meds for whatever they are prescribed for... AND "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME"... nobody pays enough attentions, this, that and etc...
I told neighbor it's too big of a communnity for Ma.. Ma has lived by herself for over 30 years,,, REally? she had her own way... she was the only one in her home..

Well... life goes on. some are more screamers than others... My LO's place only 6 people... its a 6 pack, and one is a screamer...When I visit l look in, ,appolgize, but nurse is coming over.. I can't have that... I shut her door... It's okay, if it gets quiet over 5 minutes, someone opens the door to peep in to make sure she is okay.. When I leave, I open the door , thank her, and good night... Yikes... It is a bit, but they cannot help it...It is a nightmare in their brain, and it is REAL.... I hope I am quiet as a mouse like my LO... "heart" she is lovely.
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REspite: TAke a breath.. .go to beach, backyard, library, spa.. taske a journal, book, nothing.... close the eyes, and SNORE!!!! get that back rub, back treatment. eyepatch, skin freashener, back cracked, , or a small place in a corner with blackout shades, and soft music to fall alseep with...Whatever,,, breath, close eyes, and just breath
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