My mom is in a wonderful board and care with a wonderful caregiver ,but when I go she graps on to me cries and says I am leaving her there to die. She is 90 with dementia. I have taken care of my parents for over twenty years. They moved in with me when they started to have health problems. My aunt moved in to help, but she got cancer (which was another stress for me). I am so tired and not feeling well anymore myself. I am 71. My aunt died, my dad died (which so terrible to watch on a daily basis). I finally had to put my mom in a board and care with hospice. She is very angry and tries to make me feel guilty when I go there. I feel so stressed that I am having migraines. I went today to the gastroenterologist because my stomach is hurting so much. I don't want to stop seeing her, but I don't know what else to do. Anyone have any advice? Thank you.
Your mom suffers from dementia, so she isn't cognizant of the grief she is causing you, and GRIEF is the right g-word for what you are feeling. Guilt infers that you are responsible for this, that you caused it and can fix it. Neither of those things are true, so use the right word, because words we tell ourselves matter, and this is worth grieving.
When your mom is sad and stressed I would keep my visits short. Tell her that you love her and will return when she is feeling better. She likely is no longer rational enough to explain all the reasons that this has to be the way of things. And if your visits ALWAYS trigger more unhappiness, I would make fewer visits for mom's own good.
If you need help I would suggest a few counseling sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice. You aren't needing Freudian therapy about your early toilet training; you are needing clues about how to handle life transitions that you cannot make better.
This may help you step out of habitual ways of blaming yourself, and into acceptance that this is hard, cannot be fixed, and must be endured; hopefully with as little damage as possible.
I am so sorry. I hope for peace for you both.
She has dementia. Perhaps redirection would work. Bring up something else is conversation.
I agree with leaving when she starts guilting you. It doesn't help her and it is destructive to you.
I know this is tough. Please put you and your health as a priority now. About 40% of caregivers die before those they care for. The stress is great.
Three years ago your profile says you were burnt out. Your health is not going to get better unless you make some drastic changes.
If looking after yourself means taking a break from visiting your mother till your health improves that's OK. You matter too. I think stopping seeing her at least temporarily is in your best interests.
40% to 50% of caregivers do die before the people they are caregivers too.
The OP is not a caregiver though. Her mother is in a home and the problem is she can't stand the negativity, misery, and guilt-tripping from mom every time she goes.
The solution to that problem is pretty easy.
Stop visiting. Or when she starts get up and leave.
You don't mention what meds she is on, but the doctor can give her anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds if needed.
If her effect on you is so stressful toxic that you get migraines, and stomach issues then I'd say it's time to stop visiting for your own health. Try phone calls for a couple of weeks. Its easier to hang up then it is to get up and leave when the toxic bullcrap starts up.
Your situation really isn't hard to remedy.
No no matter what it’ll never be right.
But when others visited, everything was peachy keen.
Now she doesn’t remember who I am and I’ve asked the staff not to say “Your daughter is here!” because it has started too many arguments. She thinks I’m just some nice old lady who pops by weekly. (she often thinks she’s in her 20s) So I am no longer subjected to the complaints.
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