My mom is in the end stages of Dementia, living at a Memory Care Facility within a mile of my home...Due to Covid-19; I have not been able to see her since March 17th (I used to see her 2x daily (and she had been thriving), except on Sundays (my brother would visit then) and am fortunate to FaceTime with her 6 days a week; however, I can feel her slipping away from me more and more every second of every minute of every conversation every time I talk to her.
I am grateful to have all those FaceTime memories, those bleeps of Mom but I can feel the end is nearing. I went and spoke with the Executive Director early today begging him to let me spend time with my mom before she loses her battle. I can't bear the thought of her not being there for her when she's struggling with everything. This is slowly killing me!! I am at a loss.
Executive Director just called and said So, sorry we can't let you see her but, I have to tell you the nurse called her Dr today because she's lost her appetite and you do have the option to take her home. I asked how many meals she had to miss before I could see her again... to which he said they would keep us posted. REALLY?? That's the best you can do! Help Me!!! Who has the final word at a Facility?
IF NOT, Hospice may offer to take care of her at your home.
This COVID THING IS CRAZY... Neighbor in our area died, spouse is ok. other neighbor family had to go get tested and quarantine till results came back.
If youPUT BOOTIES ON YOUR FEET, double glove, a cloth mask with a huge plastic guard over that, and hand sanitize in front of everyone: HOLD YOUR BREATH. CLOSE YOU EYES, AND RUN LIKE HELL TO MOM'S ROOM: I would think you are ok. AND IF YOU GET HOSPICE IN, THAT MAY GIVE YOU A LEG UP..
good luck: CALL SOCIAL WORKER AND HOSPICE NOW. An operator should be able to answer. Who is her insurance? They should have a 800 number and an operator to answer calls. CALL HER INSURANCE NOW
Although it isn't the same, can you visit at her window? I can't with my mother, as her room faces an interior garden area, no access from outside.
If not, can you request a visit outside? They locked down mom's facility around 3/16 (it is IL/AL/MC), but recently have been allowing short visits outside - still have to wear masks and maintain distance, but it's better than nothing! If she can't walk, they could wheel her out to see you.
This kind of visit with my mother will be difficult. She has almost no hearing. With that and dementia it is hard to "visit" and "chat"... add in the mask and distance, it likely won't be much of a visit! I did ask if they had a white board we could use. When I was able to visit, I got her a Boogie Board (LCD screen that you write on with stylus and clear with a button) for writing stuff I couldn't pantomime. It worked great, but it is small enough that we won't be able to use that outside, esp since we both have to handle it. It would be nice if I could go this week - it is her b'day, so some cupcakes, coffee, ice cream, cards and maybe some small gifts should brighten her day anyway! Have to wait for this Tropical Storm now to pass before anything can be planned! What's NEXT!?!?!?
A straight answer from someone would be nice, but then again, we don't have crystal balls, so who knows when your mother's time is up? Although she may appear to be slipping during the phone visits, perhaps it is due to lack of/reduced activity and socialization. Hopefully you can have her checked, by doc, hospice, whoever, and they might be able to say yes or no. Unless it is really clear she is heading downhill quickly, taking her home may work for you, esp if you can arrange in-home help that soon. If they determine she is just in a funk and not actively dying, I would hesitate taking her into your home. If she were to rally and last for more years, how long would you have to provide the care yourself? Once out of the facility, it will be hard to get her back in, if things don't work out.
If you do decide to take your mom home, be sure to get hospice involved because you'll have a lot on your hands and they can be very helpful
I'm so sorry for all the grief you're going through. Sending you a hug and prayer, dear woman
I will tell you of something I heard on NPR. Woman with husband, in 60s, early onset Alzheimer's who visited him always every evening and watched TV sitting on the bed with him. And then "This", the Covid. She went and asked if she could work there, doing ANYTHING. Now she does. She does dishwashing, sweeping and cleaning, and she is tested and provided the same PPD gear as other workers. And she can sit with her husband each night. She said that she found others who were doing this where they would allow it. You might try this. But a bad or adversarial relationship with the Director who is doing the job she has to (and likely scared to death daily) will go against both you and Mom.
I can't think of anything else. I am so sorry. And so glad that Mom is one of those who can figure out facetime. Wish I could!
I am so sorry you are finding yourself in such a heartbreaking situation. The pandemic has certainly wreaked havoc on all our lives causing inconsistencies from state to state, place to place.
I'm curious if your mom is under hospice care within the facility. Also, is she being given any type of medication that may be making her sedated in any way to give the illusion that she's slipping away?
At my mom's new facility in the memory care wing due to nearly dying of severe dehydration and getting COVID, I've been unable to see her in person since March 13th. However, when we did move her to this facility, I was told by our Administrator/Director that should my mom be near death, I would be allowed to come into the facility to be with her. So it's appalling to me that in your situation it's not the case.
Can you call your state's Ombudsman because you seem to be getting nowhere fast with the director on your own - they intercede on behalf of families when there are issues with the facility. They should be able to give you guidance or may even speak with the director on your behalf. In our state, the major cities have their own Ombudsman assigned to that specific city as they are more familiar with the facilities within their designated area. I had to contact ours several times in the last three months with our situation.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you will be granted the ability to be by your mom's side in her final moments and I hope you will let us know what transpires!