When I confront her about this issue, she tells me it's none of my business what she spends her money on. She said she is not being scammed by anyone and is not in any danger. I have contacted all family members to make them aware of the situation and no one to my knowledge is receiving any of her money. I have not searched her home ( as of yet) but plan to in the near future. I'm thinking it's an early sign for dementia and my next step would be visiting her doctor, then possibly visit a neurologist for further evaluation. Was wondering if anyone has experienced the same situation.
If this is the case then she should not be in control of her own finances.
If she has not yet been diagnosed it is important to get that diagnosis and if you are POA for finances that should be enacted. If she has not assigned POA it might be possible to still do so. If not you or another responsible party should petition to be her Guardian.
Check to see how much she is taking out if you don’t know. It might give you some idea of what’s up or be an amount that is not too damaging to her budget.
My DH aunt loved to go visit with the “girls at the bank”. They really looked out for her and would call me if they were concerned. They cautioned her about leaving with large sums in her pocketbook that she could be followed and robbed.
Your mom must still be driving or does she get others to take her to the bank?
I wouldn’t “confront” her. Maybe that was just a choice of words but with her telling you none of your business it sounded like she felt attacked.
Aunt tended to send money to charities. Watch your moms mail for excessive solicitations. Aunt was also an easy touch for loans that never got paid back. She liked to send cards and would tuck a $20 in for birthdays and other occasions. Nothing large but ongoing. If someone came to visit from out of town, she wanted to give gas money. If they were going on vacation, another contribution. And she liked to play slots.
But she decided on her own to give up her checkbook when she could not remember what she had done with a withdrawal. She would not have responded well with confrontation.
I hope you find the answer and it relieves your concern.
I think you’ll find out more when you check her house, Nan would tuck things under the carpet, which has rubbed off on me and mum, we both have hiding places for cash. Mum(83) has to have a certain amount of cash for emergencies, and would like to give for birthdays etc.
I hope you find your answer
They enjoyed tipping the maintenance man, grocery delivery person, hair dresser, $$ for birthday cards and whoever else did chores for them. They kept forgetting tips were included in some of these services.
We restricted the cash they got each week and made sure plenty of bills were 1's & 5's. Often my dad just wanted to have cash in his wallet.
This satisfied both of them.
My children have utterly NO idea what I do with my money nor how often I go to the bank, nor what I have IN the bank, nor what I take OUT of the bank.
So I only have one question. How is it that you are privy to this information?
How is it you think you have a right to violate her personal space?
My partner is 82. Each of us have raised two children. Under no circumstances in this world would our children consider such a thing. This is the reason I ask you all of this.
My feeling in this is that there must be something MORE that you are not telling us. Because what your parents have in money, do with their money, is in no way your business unless there IS a problem here. Can you tell us more about why you suspect there needs to be a neurological exam done here? I feel there simply MUST be something I am missing and am very curious what it might be.
At the same time running up the credit cards for over $45,000 also blaming caregivers. I call it the butler did it scenario, they both are chronic hoarders and spenders and have a long term plan to blame the folks around them for what they are doing.
It sounds like dementia has a part to play but after years of having APS on speed dial and having no power to stop them.
I had to remove myself from the situation. As they are now attempting to sell a property they’ll later say they don’t remember selling after they spend all the money.
How much is dementia and how much is just criminal.
Tell your mom it might not be any of your business but if she burns through all her money you will not be subsidizing and giving her any money or pay her bills.
Yes, it could be a major problem but are there other out of the ordinary behaviors?
I know of a couple of older friends who have recently removed a little-larger-than-usual sum of cash from savings and checkings accounts to keep on hand as a result of the current news on TV. But I must say they are not doing this on a daily basis, which is worrisome. On the other hand, we're being bombarded by news daily, so this may be out of fear and shoring up, and not for spending without thought.
Is she also buying extra cans of food, etc. Older people have seen more than most.
Try not to jump to conclusion. Maybe the current news on TV is driving her action. Try to take a very calm tact of casually talking about the news and transition over to what's happening in Canada, and the freezing of banks accounts. Very calmly and lightly mention the Ukraine and your own thoughts of shifting some funds (I really don't know about this, but just for conversation) from a bank to a credit union. Make conversation like between two adult friends, or an adult child asking for advice.
Do you know how much cash she keeps on hand ordinarily?
By the way, if you do find a stash, at least you know it is not being spent.
At today's bank interest rates it won't make a difference if she hides it at home or keeps it in the bank, EXCEPT for keeping it secured or forgetting where it is hidden.
Perhaps you can buy her a safe and bolt it down somewhere in her home.
In case she is slipping and has hidden some money and complies to storing a bit in a small safe in the house, praise her from time to time for her wisdom of keeping the perfect amount aside.
Good looking out.
Yep... she would send a $50 bill to every politician on both sides of the spectrum, auto warrantees, home owners warrantees, etc but had no paperwork to back up they were legit. Once mom almost caused a serious driving accident. We realized she shouldn't be in the road. As hard as it was, we called dmv and of course she couldn't pass the test so they pulled her license. The car was sold. She wanted to keep the cash but sis told her it would be safer in the bank. Once we caught onto where her daily cash was going, whichever one of us that was wroth mom that day, offered to mail her"bills" as she called them. We intercepted and retrieved the money. It matched up to her withdrawals, so sister would deposit the money back into mom's account. Mom had no idea we knew what she was up to. If we asked her, she'd say it was for bills and besides, it's none of our business.
I told my sisters that it is our business when she throws away all her money and can't afford memory care then wants to move in with us! Shortly after that, mom would go to the road, stop traffic and talk to the drivers. The neighbors notified my sister and we had her placed in MC. The house was sold and it will buy her a few years of memory care... after that, i guess it will be medicaid. Don't pay attention to those here that tells us it's none of our business because when they start doing off the wall stuff, it IS our business. Do what you gotta do. Good luck!
Apparently your mother has not yet been formally diagnosed with one of the dementias but is showing signs, ie: daily withdrawals from the bank & being offended when you ask her about it. I'm sure there are other signs, too, you're just not mentioning them. In my opinion, as their children, it's our DUTY to watch over our parents and to keep them safe, especially if they are exhibiting signs of cognitive decline! Yes, it's their 'right' to spend their money as they see fit, as long as they are MENTALLY FIT to do so. Otherwise, they're being scammed or coerced into spending their money inappropriately and then it's up to US to step in and see to it that such spending stops. Same way we'd step in and get them in home help to prevent a disaster from happening if they did have dementia; same way we'd step in to get the car keys away from them if they were presenting a driving hazard on the road, and so on. We all have rights until we're mentally challenged and then those rights have to be examined to see how they can be best exercised to the elder's advantage. It may be an elder's 'right' to sit out in the 90 degree heat all day long, yet it wouldn't be prudent to allow them to DO it, unless everyone wants to spend the night in the ER.
I see that you're now on mom's bank accounts, thankfully. Keep a close on her and by all means, get help to come into her house b/c a catastrophe is waiting to happen if she's cognitively impaired.
Best of luck!
how does others feel about this? Her close friends & family? If you feel that she exhibits any radical change in her behavior taking her for a health check up might be worth it if she ends up having dementia etc.
my best friend was so worried about her mom. Towards her forgetfulness and her mom would get mad, and I didn’t blame her for feeling this way. But she listened to her daughter and got a Ct scan I believe it was. And she’s ok. Because you never know. And going through a father with Alzheimer’s who lost a lot over people that took from him. Well let’s just say it was heartbreaking for those who cared for him. It’s a hard world.