Artlady61 Asked August 2018
My mom is wanting to die. What can I say to help her let go?
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My Mom is tired and I can see she is not wanting further emergency intervention. What can I say to help her let go?
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Good luck to you. It's hard.
If you have a religious leader, now may be the time to call upon them. It’s very difficult for you to know what to say to your mother and how to say it.
Is Mom still in Independent Living or is she now in Hospice? If she is still in IL, reassure her that when she is ready to pass, no heroic measure will be taken and her wishes will be respected. Same as if she’s in hospice and the hospice nurse can help with this. However, if she is still in IL and seems to be dwelling on this, I would ask the social worker at the facility if a therapist could come to speak with her.
If mom is not eligible for hospice, it can be frustrating for her and family. Years ago, I experienced this with my mom, who at the time was in ICU for 6 months. She did not have a medical POA or a medical directive, so her surgeon called the shots. So first advice is to secure those directives. She needs to provide this information in clear terms to others.
But your comment ("I see that she is not wanting...") that she has not verbally stated that she wants to be noted DNR or even assisted death. Her tiredness may be more depression than a decision that has been considered for all consequences that her death would entail.
I sense that you too are tired of watching mom suffer. I am now a counselor for the grieved and dying so my suggestion is this: seek counseling for yourself. The emotional pain can be overwhelming and cloud your judgement. DON'T say anything. Instead ASK mom to talk to a professional about her wishes and then put them in writing.
You have said so little I am left to guess as to your mom's situation. However, if she is in hospital or in a nursing home the situation will be quite different. I am an RN and can assure you that when people are ready to pass they stop eating and drinking. There comes a time when it is not advised to push them to eat or drink because that is not helpful. When they have made this decision it is their way of communicating their mind is made up even if they are not able to express this in words.
If this is the case the best support you can give is to be reassuring that she is safe and you will understand if she wants to let go. You, and your family, can really help her by being there in short shifts and being very quiet. Having a lot of people around the bed, fussing with unnecessary care and talking among themselves is very confusing for people and does not make their passing easy.
One thing to be aware of is that people have an uncanny knack of passing when they are alone or with a nurse. So many times I remember the family leaving the room and then the patient giving up. This is not a bad thing. The patient has decided that that is the way they want to go. It may be that they care if the family is hurt or they just may wish this to be a private moment. We shall never know the answer. But, on the other hand, you can't be around all the time and will need to take breaks so if you must go for something to eat and find that she has passed do not be too upset because this may be the way your mom wanted it.
Letting loved ones go is never easy for anybody, but unfortunately dying is just another part of life.. We all have to accept that in the end.
Best wishes to you.
to suffer and give her your permission to go when she is ready. Ask her if
there is anything you can do for her. Pray with her and lead her to accept
Jesus' open loving arms. (You will need a box of Kleenex). Be at peace my child and then you can pass that peace to her. If you have siblings, they need to do the same. This will be a very meaningful moment for her. When I did this with my mom, she decided to stay on for a long time but she knows
she is free to go when she chooses. God bless you through this journey.
The first thing that I learned in grief counseling was that I would receive hundreds of comments from people that would probably not all seem appropriate. What I’ve realized is that all of the words of encouragement/advice (and I’m still receiving them) were meant to help me. Everyone’s experience is different in difficult journeys. But, I’ve come to this site in search of help after my mom was diagnosed with Alz until her transition this past Jan. (17 years), and I will forever be grateful for all of the advice/comments here.
you stop taking her to the E.R. and you tell her you understand she has to leave you.
you apologize for any of your shortcomings and tell her you tried to do your best for her.
you allow her to stop her medications.
and hopefully, you tell her you love her.
My heart is with you. It is very tough to watch your mother slowly pass from this world....I'm still grieving over my dear, sweet mom. I was her caregiver, and at the end, when she was very weak and only wanted drops of water dripped into her mouth, I set up my station, not to leave her side.
I sincerely hope you and her are saved by Christ. This is the most important decision of any person's life and death. Eternity awaits each and every one of us, but it's up to us to decide which way to go. I say to choose Jesus Christ....which is to receive eternal life with Him in an unknown, geographical location called Heaven. Yes, I said geographical, because it is. By not choosing Christ, we send ourselves to a place apart from God, called Hell.
Choose life! Choose Christ! And live forever with Him.
May God be with you and your precious mother.
It sounds like Mom is depressed and maybe a med would help. Next is Hospice. Problem here is her being in independent living. With Hospice, someone has to be with them 24/7. Nurses only come every few days. Aides the same.
When my MIL had a UTI we pretty much knew she would not be living alone at the age of 91. Once she was told that she would be going to another state for rehab and not going "home" she literally willed herself to die. Dr. called it failure to thrive. She went into the hospital early Feb and passed Feb 28th. She was used to getting her way and died the way she wanted.
This is a tough one. I can not answer this without knowing your mom's condition. Is she able to speak? Does she have written requests of her end life? So many factors surround the direction this situation should go.
I do wish the best for you and your mom.
Please update us On her condition / illness?
Hugs to you both,
Linda
No one has an expiration date tattooed on them at birth. So a date is out of the question, you can joke about that to your Mom if she has a good sense of humor.
Somehow I gather she is in Assisted living. (several other posters have mentioned this but I do not see it in your profile.)
There are a few things that I have a question about.
1. What is your Mom's condition? Is she in good health for her age? or is she ill with one or more conditions that she will not recover from?
If she is in good health, is she depressed?, frustrated?, angry? is it something that can be discussed with her doctor and possibly medication may help.?
If she is ill is any one of her illnesses considered "Life ending" and is she no longer being treated? If so she would qualify for Hospice.
If she is in Assisted Living you can consult with them what Hospice Group comes to the facility, if there is more than one you can interview each one.
There is no requirement that someone has to be "with" her 24/7 .
She will have a Nurse that comes 1 time a week, she will have a CNA that will come a few times a week. (If the CNA bathes her she will not be bathed by the facility staff if they are doing that now) She will also have a Social Worker, Chaplain and volunteers at her disposal if she wishes to have them visit. And if she wants any "therapy" like Art, Music Reiki (sort of like massage) she can have them come in. The Social Worker is there for you as well as your Mom.
When my Husband was on Hospice the staff from JourneyCare was amazing and I would not have been able to do what I did if it weren't for them. I got supplies, education. equipment and support.
But if your Mom is "ready" as you say she says she is she needs to know you will be alright as well as any other family members that she may be worried about. And if she is still saying she is ready just tell her that maybe something is yet to be finished.
Best wishes to both of you.
Your mother's physical health
Your mother's mental health
Is she on psychiatric medications?
Does she have a DNR order in place?
Does she have a DPOA in place and who is her agent?
Euthanasia is the best and the most humane way to die where the patient is in control of her/his decision and families should understand and accept that decision to make that short moment, even though sad, the warmest, most respectul and dignified I believe now it is, than the INHUMANE of choosing the "palliative "way of hospices, hospital or other places where they use the killing cocktail of morphine and ativan and furosemide drying the "victim" completely inside and being unable to speak giving them a slow death that will last almost 2 weeks!!
Unhappily, I learnt too late about all this. Today, I can say that I do know HOW I want to die and it will be faster and peacefully, and of course, if I can find somebody that will hold my hand ( it will be around 5 min only to go into coma) it will be as going to sleep surrounded by those that DO love me and have accepted my last wishes.
Had I known this, I would have taken my mother to one of the closest states, Vermont. I never liked the way my siblings took this matter in their own hands and gave the code red to the hospice to the shortest and horrendous death of their menu for my dear mother. I was her caregiver and whenever I wanted to stop the cocktail of death and mentioned that I wanted to take my mother back to my place the hospice would tell me "It is 3 to 1", " You are the minority, your siblings win".
You can also read:
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/may/01/dying-at-home-terminally-ill-hospital
and please, do your own research to find maybe even more interesting articles and blogs.
http://hospice-uncovered.blogspot.com/2010/01/hospice-and-what-they-will-not-tell-you.html
Many thanks to this webpage that has pelped me so much in my times of despair and now, grieving.
I think you said your mom has a blood clot. A blood clot can cause a stroke and a stroke might make it more difficult to care for her. I read and embraced the message of "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. But I think I would have a blood clot treated. I think she's still making her own decisions? You might run the idea by her that treating the blood clot might help her avoid additional disability.
Death really isn't the worst thing that can happen to you.