My mom keeps passing the memory tests and refuses (angrily) to allow me to go to the Dr with her. Any tips?

Well my mother lives in a condo right next to mine and she still pulls all the stuff you are describing and I can't do anything about it, and believe me I have tried.

If you think things are bad inside the home and she needs an assessment you could call APS.

Also contact the DMV and tell them she is not safe to drive. Most states allow for anonymous reporting.

As to the anger, I have no advice there only empathy. Mine is the same way. Fierce denial and anger. I've been trying to limit my contact for my own sanity.

If you read the posts here you will see that dementia never gets better. It will progress and get worse no matter how your mother feels about it. The charade of independence will eventually crumble. What you can do is to research now and figure out a plan for when the charade crumbles. By plan I mean placement in an appropriate care home.

How old is she? My mother drove until she was 94 and basically did her day to day stuff, she did not have someone go to the doctor with her. We wanted her to move to AL, she always said No. Finally she had a slight stroke and started having panic attacks and was afraid to live alone, we jumped, she is no longer driving and in AL.

I think that without the memory tests telling you that there is any diagnosis of dementia you may need to consider that you are helpless to make any decisions here. What signs are you seeing that Mom needs a caregiver other than forgetfulness? Without a diagnosis you will be helpless in this. How far out of town is Mom. Is there any support system for her? If Mom is going into Dementia, diagnosed NOT to have dementia, and you are pushing her, things will get worse. The awful thing is that waiting for some crisis may be all you have. Do ask Mom if you can check in with her morning and night, and then you and Sis take up the phone calls, one in a.m. and one in p.m. So sorry you're going through this. Try very gentle loving support "what can I order delivered to you Mom?" and so on. She may be more forthcoming about needs then. "Can I get you someone to come in and help with cleaning once a week, Mom". Whatever you can think of to keep the lines of COMMUNICATION open. Because pushing her may make her shut you out, especially if she herself knows something is happening, and usually, early on, people DO know this.

I was the Remote son for both parents. Had all the issues, dementia, mobility, driving and refusing any help. (except from me of course)

i hope you have POA and have her finances under control.

There is not much you can do except wait for the inevitable crisis. For me it was a bad fall, hospitalization then I moved mom to assited living then dad a few days later. It was a big hot mess, almost killed me but I’m glad I stuck to my guns.

The driving is a a worry. You may have to step in and end it before she harms someone else. You can’t let this go on if she’s getting bad.

I had the very same issue with my mom.

I did an anonymous report to the DMV listing my concerns including Dementia, Macular Degeneration and fainting spells. DMV promptly sent her a letter to be reevaluated. The BIG mistake I made was HELPING her fill out the extensive paperwork they wanted from her. Even with my help, because she did not show me the paperwork early enough to be completed by their deadline, they temporarily suspended her license! I was thrilled as she is a "law abiding citizen" and would not drive with a suspended license. However, here's where I made the mistake. I continued helping her get the paper work filled out, proper papers to different doctors, etc. I ASSUMED once DMV evaluated her, that they would permanently suspend her license. But no! Her doctors were fooled by her ability to maintain her social graces and said she was ok to drive. AND, she passed her driving test because she knows the town like the back of her hand. (But her car has multiple dings from minor accidents that she has no idea how they occurred.) So she got her license back! If only I had NOT helped her do the paperwork etc, her license would have automatically been revoked. Sigh!

She also got very irritated that I wanted to go to all her doctors appointments with her. So I just showed up anyway. After awhile, she got used to me being there and even allowed me to just pick her up and take her. The big no-no was if I piped in and told Doc of symptoms she was not telling because she forgot. THIS REALLY aggravated and embarrassed her. So I learned to slip a note or tell the nurse on the side what the issue was.

So she continued to drive, and I continued to take her to appointments. I was more clear with her primary care physician and staff about her dementia and my concerns. (No more assuming everyone was on the same page!)

She eventually had a mini stroke along with a seizure that allowed for a clear reason for her to stop driving and accept more help.( She recovered fine.) She still asks me why she can't drive and says she wants to go to DMV and talk to them. I tell her it is because of the mini stroke and seizure, which she doesn't remember. I don't mention the dementia because she would argue about that.

So, see if there is a trusted friend, someone she knows, who you can pay to go with her. (Maybe mom doesn't have to know the person is getting paid?) If she will accept it, even though it will make her mad, she will eventually get used to it and even look forward to it. Then you will get accurate reports on her health.

This is tricky! If the license could be revoked first, then it would be an easy excuse for someone to start taking her and sitting in on Doctor's appointments etc.

Good Luck. Don't let up because she will need the help. Think of her as a teen, sometimes you can't ask permission from them. You have to insist. (Easier said than done!)

I have a question: if she refuses to allow you to go to the doctor with her, how do you know she 'keeps passing the memory tests'? Have you heard that information directly from the doctor, or from your mother?

Write a letter to the Dr outlining what you said here. Ask him to please inform the DMV that she should not be driving. He could ask her to come in because he needs to do the yearly exam Medicare requires.

Now we seem to be living longer, laws need to be put into place concerning those people who have been found to have a Dementia. As soon as a Dr. confirms it, he needs to report his findings to the DMV. Then the DMV mandates that the person be tested. And not the average test. Something that tests reflexes. Driving to a particular place and making sure they can get back. (My Uncle drove to Delaware Park for years. This one time, he forgot how to get home to NJ.) If they pass, they are required to come back in 6 months. A sticker can be put on the windshield for the police to see. And there should be restrictions. Only drive in town and no night driving. Why do we have to wait until they kill themselves or someone else.

Ditto to what lealonnie1 asked: if you are not going to the doc appts with her, is she just telling you she passes? 73 is pretty young to have the symptoms you describe, so maybe there is something else going on, like a UTI or depression, etc. Please let us know as this makes responses very different. Thanks!

Okay, so if we rule out dementia for whatever reason(s), bad memory issues can be attributed to many other issues such as:

Medications. ...
Minor head trauma or injury. ...
Emotional disorders. ...
Alcoholism. ...
Vitamin B-12 deficiency. ...
Hypothyroidism. ...
Brain diseases.
Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. ...
Problems with Vision and Hearing. ...
Disorders of the Heart and Lungs. ...
Liver and Kidney Disease. ...
Hormone Disruption. ...
Infections.

Living out of town, I don't know how you'd be able to help your mother unless she were to give you Medical POA. Either that, or arrange to visit her for a period of time when you could accompany her to the doctor to express your concerns. You could also write him a letter with your concerns and ask that he administer the right tests to determine what might be at the root of your mother's memory problems. But again, I'd wonder exactly WHAT 'memory tests' she was given and if they were extensive enough to make an accurate determination as to whether or not she does have dementia.

Tough situation, I know. Wishing you the best of luck moving forward!

From experience, make sure hard copies of your letters detailing changes in your LO are sent regular mail, return receipt requested. Email
correspondence doesn’t always get printed out and
placed in patient’s chart.

My Mom won’t complete the hospital financial assistance form-cause she cannot. Ive tried numerous times to get the information from her, e.g. her utilities, insurance, etc. and other expenses. She puts me off and am sure she doesn’t ‘want me to know’ that she can’t fill out a form. Although I’ve seen her in action and her inability to fill out a simple form, but guess she thinks I haven’t recognized her decline. WHO would not want a reduction on their hospital
invoice??

Lealonnie on these memory test that your mother took, are they timed tests? Do they care how long it takes to do one of the tasks? My mother could draw the face of the clock with the numbers and hands and the time but it would take her forever!!!! I was just wondering if the test taker lets them take all day to do these tests.

I have only read a few responses. I think that you need to consider how she is going to be transported to take care of her life, dr. appts, grocery shopping, pharmacy and such. You can not get her license revoked without a plan in place to get her transported. She will drive if you don't and that is a whole different can of worms.

You can not implement huge changes without a plan. Period. It is unfair to the person that is already struggling. Someone that loves her needs to be present to help make transitions.

If this were my MIL I'd be suspicious. Is there any way to find out from the doctor what results were?

MIL was telling us what she wanted us to know about medical appointments and her health. Once we all got involved and started going to appointments, we discovered that she rarely told us what the doctor truly said/diagnosed. She told us what she wanted the truth to be -- and this was pre-dementia. She's just stubborn and refused to accept the limitations that doctors were putting her under.

My Mom still did not allow me in her follow-up neuro appt, after her hospital stint in Nov. where diagnosed with mild NCD.

Being far away, you’ll need to partner with her PCP via mail, detailing the changes you are finding with your LO. Send it regular mail, return receipt requested, to know they have received it. Follow up with doc office via phone. Maybe they will share info. If not, you’ll need their HIPAA form for LO to sign.

i understand she is stubborn. Mine is too. Just keep the conversation going as much as you can.

Prayers for all our situations.

Yeah – yourself how would you feel if someone came to you and say I want you to stop driving I want you to let me go to all your doctors appointments?

I won’t be too happy with my freedom being taken away for me either and driving as it is a privilege And it gives you freedom.

Too bad. I won't be happy either, I am now 67 and I hope I have the sense to know when I am not longer safe to drive. Driving gives you freedom but it does not give you the right to risk other people's lives. Elderly people who still drive past the point where their reaction time is too slow to handle an emergency situation are a threat. They are as impaired as someone who is drunk behind the wheel. We took my mother's keys. I started on my FIL a year earlier, we got him a private driving evaluation which he passed, (to my surprise about a year earlier). Turns out he had cataracts and macular degeneration that he failed to mention to us. He did get a letter from his eye doctor every year stating that his vision was adequate for driving. He finally stopped driving because his cataracts worsened to the point that he no longer had enough vision to see to drive; that is when we found out about the cataracts. He had surgery on the worst one but I intentionally scheduled it after his license expired and told him he would have to take written test to get it back. (that might not have been true but he believed me. )After he had not driven for 2 months, he agreed that he was not going to drive anymore. After he stopped driving, he told me that although he was not ready to stop driving, he realized he should have stopped sooner and said that when he thought back to some of the things he did when driving, he knew I was right. I was lucky that he went along with it but I was willing to take his keys if necessary.

Has anyone ridden with her when she drives? This would be a good way to determine how much if a menace she is on the road. If you find she doesn't follow traffic laws or gets list easily, you need to act no matter what her response is. As for forgetfulness, check whether she is properly taking her medications. Any problems in this area indicate that she definitely needs help. Again, her response isn't relevant. If she is no longer capable of taking her medication properly, she needs assistance of one form or another.

My dad had his license taken away by DMV but continued to drive for over 6 months. It was not until he hired caregivers to come in several days a week to take him places did he finally quit. He refused to use any other type of transportation.

The DL was easiest for me because my moms expired and I told her at 54.00 I didn't have money until I get paid at end of month. Then from there...medical bills need to be paid and it didn't take but 2 months before she forgot but my mother's memory is not so great. Even now with almost no memory left she still tells me ocassionally she has to go pick someone up and I remind her she blew motor which she did and just tell her it's not ready. Its a terrible thing watching the mental decline but it does make it easier for reasonable excuses to work. Hang tough as we all try to and vent in this safe place. 🙂 Perfect place we understand. I'm just starting to use this site. Do a lot of venting on Facebook. So many things to vent about in there...lol. 😉
My caregiver doesnt not go to appointments drs prefer me but take her to lunch or whatever meal appropriate or use as motivation... we need to stop here (at dr) real quick then we'll go to lunch or store or whatever they like best. As condition worsens going out doesnt have to be specific I need to run a couple errands want to go? Good luck.

What is the doctor's position on whether your mother should have someone wit her at appointments and at her or not she an continue driving?

HI.
I had to chime in. Driving while older is a danger to All. The reflex time is reduced tremendously.

I just wanted to say, her physician would be who you contact.
Let the office know the above concerns.. he or she will have a good chat session with her, anonymously of course. I'm hoping she has a doc that knows her good enough to.
Also there comes a time in point that HIPAA laws need bending.
If a daughter calls in, she can state her concerns, pass it on to the physician.
1-you don't believe the tests
2- she should give up her keys.
3-DMV has a way of helping. In calif, they are supposed to have seniors come in every year, & do a driving test..you may want to Google that in your area.
Goodluck

I sent my mom's doc a note about my not wanting her to drive because of her Alzheimer's, and the doc backed me up, so the doc was the "bad guy" and not me. I took my mom everywhere she wanted to go: shopping, errands, doc appointments, etc. I'd love to be chauffeured around, but my mom still missed driving, and I guess, the independence that was inherent within that. Maybe your mom's doc can help with that, if he or she agrees. I agree with other people who posted here, too, in that you'll need to have a Plan B regarding caregiving, transportation, etc. Best of luck. I've walked in your shoes.

My LO needed to stop driving, and I was told about a form I could file and basically send anonymously to the Dept. Of Motor Vehicles.

So I did, and in return the DMV sent her a form that she needed her doctor to fill out as well as she had to come in and take a written driving test.

Luckily for me I already had a diagnosis of Dementia for her so I added that to the original form submitted. In the end my LO bailed on any idea of taking a written drivers test knowing full well that passing it was never gonna happen.
Also, the doctor stated that my LO should not be driving.

So I submitted all this paperwork back to the DMV, and in less then 3 weeks later we received a letter suspending my LO’s driving privilege.
The POA we had for her clearly stated when they can no longer drive that I can sell the vehicle. Which is what happened.

California is where this scenario played out. Whatever state your in I’m guessing they have something similar.
Good Luck

Remote Daughter....You definitely need to write her doctor a letter about your observations of memory lapses and issues. If you know who her neurologist is send a copy to that doctor also. Keep a copy for yourself. You can always give a doctor information about someone in your care or a love one, but unless you have POA you can not receive information. If you have a POA send a copy along with your letter. In your letter make a list of things that you have noticed your mother doing or saying. I definitely knew my mother had a problem when my father was in the hospital and my mother was driving to see him, but she ended up at a senior home where my grandmother use to live and she was upset they would not let her see my dad. She was at the wrong place. My mother couldn't remember where items went or were placed in the kitchen and so many other things that don't sound bad, but when you add them all up, it starts to become a lot.
My mother's doctor never noticed any of my mothers issues or memory issues, because my mother was so good at hiding her issues until she received the letter. I live 10 hours away and I told my mother that I was going coming up and going with her to her doctor's appointment. She kept saying you don't need to do that and I told her I know I don't but, I want to just to hear what your doctor says. I told her as you age it is good to have another set of ears just to make sure you are hearing everything correctly that the doctor is saying. She said no again, but I stayed firm and told her I wasn't taking no for an answer. When I went in and her doctor was checking her over her doctor asked her how's your memory and my mom said "fine, I have no problems". You would have never suspected by my mother actions and her talking that there was anything wrong with her. When my mother said her memory was fine I spoke up and said well mom you have been very forgetful lately, my mother shot me the most dirty look, but I held my ground and her doctor jumped on that and beautifully said I would like to refer you to a specialist (neurologist) just for some testing just to make sure everything is ok. You know as we age our body changes and we want to be ahead of any issues so if there is a problem in the future we have a baseline to refer back to. My mother agreed to the testing.
Since I wasn't able to be there for the testing my brother went with her and my father and after all of the testing was completed the doctor stated that my mother had Alzheimer's and she was entering or already in the mid-stage. I reached out to the neurologist and asked for a letter stating that my mother could no longer drive and live alone. She sent me a letter which I promptly filled out the State of Michigan form and send a copy of letter to have my mother driver's license revoked. I figure if she did drive and something happened or she was stopped by the police they would know why and who to contact. My brother put the letter on the refrigerator so if my mom asked about her car my brother referred her to letter, but my mother wasn't interested in the letter and she was argumentative saying it is my car I can drive when I want. After this happened several times my brother was clever and took the keys and moved her vehicle to his house one day when she was sleeping and my SIL brought him back. He lived pretty close so my mother was not aware what took place. When my mother asked where her vehicle was my brother white lied "Mom remember ***** (nephew) borrowed your car because his is in the shop and they had to order parts and he had no way to work". My mom would always say "Oh yeah, I forgot" "I wonder how much longer he will need my vehicle, I really need to go shopping". It is like out of sight out of mind. Your mom say this over and over, but evidentially she will quit asking about the car. This car question and answer game went on for about 4 years, and up until she was unable to speak she would asked every once in

As her POA, I'd arrange to go to her house and stay with her for a few days, so you can see how she's doing in the house. She may be repeating things, but, she also may have some unhealthy conditions in the home, like spoiled food, dirty linens, broken toilets, etc. Sometimes, neighbors can tell you stuff you have no idea about, like her actions outside. I'd try to chat with them without her present to see if they have noticed anything. Her church or community area friends may have info as well. If you do get to the doctor, this information might be helpful. Also, if you're not at the doctor visit, you can't be sure what she reports is accurate.

See people suggest that taking the keys to prevent driving. However may have extra set or otherwise be able to get some help starting vehicle.Even taking away their license may not work as many people drive without license. Car itself must be removed. We told my mother car was being repaired. Since it was an import, takes time to get part. Eventually she forgot and stopped asking for car!

Time to get POA- that way you can talk to Doctor. I was talking to my Dad's Dr about the situation and his decline on the down low. The Dr. helped immensely with writing orders for home health care etc.. I was managing the situation from 500 miles away. You definitely need local advocates!

Maybe you could get the Dr to ask a few questions so he can diagnose her but she wouldn't realize she is being tested. Like it's a normal visit. I don't know if that's legal, but it's worth a try.

First just to add to the other possibilities here, has her hearing been checked? Sometimes a gradual hearing deficit will cause a person to slowly compensate without really thinking about what they are doing, selective topics etc.

whatever is actually going on medically wether it be dementia in some form or something else I might try approaching it all from a different angle. One thing at a time but start with suggesting she get things in place so you are all prepared should something happen in the future. Put you on HIPPA at each of her doctors so they can communicate with you in the event she isn’t able to communicate her wishes or with you in the future. “My friends mother had a stroke and they weren’t prepared so not only couldn’t they get any info about what was happening but they had no input about treatment or what rehab she got”... that sort of thing relate it to being prepared for any possible need in the future rather than something being wrong with her now. Going to appointments with her now allows you and her doctors to get to know each other and you to learn more about how your mom likes to do things medically, interact with each provider. It also lets them know that she has family who are involved and she lets be involved which could come in handy in the future.

i would be very careful not to “take over” or make her feel like you are, ease her into trusting that this is to her benefit not the detriment she is afraid of. Then work on business stuff, offer to set up online banking and bill pay etc, let her experience the advantage of you doing it and decide for herself it’s easier to just have you do it. When it comes to driving maybe suggest again that she try the various transportation options before she really needs them and then just encourage her to take advantage of not “having” to drive. Then when a medical opportunity presents itself maybe the transition of not being able to drive anymore will be easier. With my mom she was sent home from the hospital with “no driving” orders and no doctors were willing to sign her off again until she had a special eval which she never really wanted to do. Then we told her that if she were to drive and have an accident we, her children, could be sued and held liable because we knew she had drs orders and that she was driving. She didn’t like it but it had been so long since she had driven and part of her knew she shouldn’t be. We had the perfect set up for this though because she had had a stroke and we could blame her slow response time and thought process on that.

Hello RemoteDaughter.
The reason your Mom becomes very angry is because She is haunted by the fear of loosing Her memory, (mind) knowing this would be the beginning of the end for Her Life as She knows It. I must admit I can understand your Moms fear because this would trouble me too. I would suggest you meet Moms Doctor privately and express your worries and concern about your Mom, also that She's still driving Her motor car and this is a worry to you. The Doctor can insist that you accompany Mom to the Doctors Surgery in future, and if the Doctor notices that your Mom looses concentration, or is some times forgetful the Doctor can suggest that your Mom stops driving, after all
it is the Doctor Who certifies all of Us fit or unfit to drive.

Good Luck to you RemoteDaughter, and your Mom is so Blessed to have you.