When my dad developed dementia, my mom became abusive toward him. She'd lock herself in her bedroom and leave him to wander around. She'd refuse to feed him, and he wasted away--I finally insisted on taking him to the doctor, where I learned he weighed 99 lbs and was at risk of death by starvation. She would tell my dad, "Goodbye! I'm leaving and never coming back!" and drive off for hours. He would call me, sad, and I'd have to drop everything and race over. One night I caught her shaking him. I went to call the police and she ripped the phone out of my hand and beat me with the receiver, and also bit and me. I got the police and Adult Protective Services involved. Nowadays, she denies any of it happened, saying, "I don't know what kind of psychosis you were under to believe that." (My husband had seen her do this stuff too.) Now my mom is in her late 80s and is frail, and depends on me often. But when I think back to how she abused my dad, it still makes me angry. I often think she doesn't deserve better treatment than what she meted out to him. How do I get beyond this, and help her without being begrudging and reluctant?
This posting is so very hard to answer. If I were you, I would have conflicting emotions too. How often do you see her? Does she have dementia too? What happened with your father after APS became involved? Do you think that she can’t handle how she abused him and blocked it out or she just won’t own up to it?
I think at this point, you have been through enough pain. If you have to walk away, do so. If it would make you feel better to have others care for her, then allow others do care for her. How was your relationship with her before she abused your dad?
If you forgive her, it still doesn’t mean that you are obligated to care for her. It only means that you are doing so, in order to achieve peace in your heart.
I certainly wish you all the peace in the world. You deserve to be free from this torment and agony.
All I can say, is do what is right for you. Your mom has serious mental health issues. She should have surrendered your father’s care to others, instead of abusing him. She abused you too because you loved your dad and had to witness horrible things, plus being attacked with her telephone. I am so very sorry that you have gone through this pain. It’s an absolutely horrible situation.
God bless you.
To answer your questions:
* my mom lives 10 minutes from me. I see her maybe 6 out of 7 days each week and call her daily.
* I don't think mom has dementia. She seems to be very cognizant. I do think, based on her abuse of my dad and some childhood incidents, that she has anger-management issues and perhaps some mood disorder.
* APS did squat. The agent spoke to my mom, and mom tearfully told her that I was after her and Dad's money. She promised to arrange 24/7 care for dad, but didn't do it. I reached out to APS again, the agent called my mom, and this time my mom screamed at her and really shook her up. Still, the agent didn't do more than give me some advice. It was very disappointing.
* I don't know why my mom denies how she treated my dad.
* My relationship with my mom was pretty good before she abused my dad. It's still okay, but I will never fully trust her again, nor forget her horrible treatment of the father I loved. By the way, my father took loving care of my mother and helped her through breast cancer, and later endometrial cancer. She definitely didn't return the favor, which makes me even angrier.
I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and prayers.
I don't blame you for not wanting to help her and having a hard time getting over this. I wonder if she does have something wrong, like dementia or some mental issue. Her behavior is just so abnormal that there has to be something going on.
Very sad, for all of you.
Actions have consequences.
My mother treated my father like a piece of dirt while they were married for 68 years. Now that he's passed, she doesn't even want a photo of him in her room at the Memory Care! She speaks badly of him when she does speak of him, which is a rarity, and she's glad he's dead. When she gets going on one of her rants about what he 'didn't do' for her, I leave her presence. It's aggravates the snot of me remembering what all she did to him, and how she dishonors his name to THIS day, after he treated her like a queen. Yes I hold resentment towards her for her disgusting behavior towards him, and I will forever and ever. There is no way on God's green earth I can rid myself of it b/c it's changed how I think of her and my respect level for her has dwindled down to almost nothing. Yes, I still 'do' for her b/c she's my mother, but I do it with disdain and as little as humanly possible. I can't and won't get 'beyond' this b/c she's gone TOO FAR with the things she's said and done, period. I tolerate her, that's about it.
Get your mother into Assisted Living and then go visit her as you see fit. Take care of her necessities and her finances and whatever else needs to be done. Reconcile the fact that you'll never be besties and move on with your life. When I saw a psychiatrist many years ago, I got ONE thing out of our meetings and it was this: You will never be friends with your mother so stop trying. I think of it this way: if she were not my mother and a stranger, I would NEVER strike up a friendship with her! I love her but I do not like her ONE SINGLE BIT. And you know what? That's ok. It is what it is. It comes after a lifetime of insults and put downs and watching her rake other people I loved over the coals and doing nasty rotten things to me and to others for 64 long years. She is an unlovable human being but she is my mother. So I do for her what I feel is right and nothing more.
Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with the fact that you will never be friends with your mother & realizing you should stop trying to be. And don't feel guilty about it either. In life, we reap what we sow.
AL is not a bad thing. It helps people that cannot do it on their own but still have the ability to socialize and do things. It just deals with making sure they have easy access to healthy meals and other services that become difficult because of age.
You should find a place so you don't have to deal with taking care of someone that you have resentment towards. It can lead to serious health issues for you and quite frankly, she doesn't get to steal your health and peace unless you let her. She is ready for an AL.