I am the middle child and get along well with most everyone including my two sisters. However they hate each other and are constantly making snide remarks to me about each other. I stay out of it and don't comment. Both are married with families. I am single. I am grieving my mother passing and will be driving 9 hours to the funeral on Monday. My older sister and her family will stay with me in my mother's house to give me some company. I have also been the go between giving the older sister important information on my mother's declining health and also the funeral arrangements. I felt that it was important as my mother's child also that she stayed informed. The younger sister doesn't want the older sister to stay in our mother's house and told me that she would fight with her on this. She then said that I was taking sides when I said why and said F*ck you too and hung up on me. She then sent me a text saying that she would not be attending our mother's funeral. The older sister also said the she and her husband would talk about it and may not attend either because they refuse to get involved in the drama. I am more than stressed out and very anxious. I will be attending alone and I am alone.
Was there family drama before this about mom's health, or estate or care, or has this suddenly come up?
(((hugs)))))
Why are they feuding? Some incident or just generally don't like each other?
Can you afford to stay in a nearby hotel? Might that mitigate the craziness?
Let me first extend my condolences to you and your family in the loss of your mother and I am so sorry that your two sisters are behaving like children and you are in the middle - both literally and figuratively speaking.
Grief is hard enough without having family members fighting, creating drama and causing distress for you - the innocent one. Not only that, because they can't put their differences aside for this important time it probably feels like you are being punished. I know you would prefer to have them both at the funeral since you get along with both of them but, please don't force the issue. Your mother only passes away once and there will only be a funeral once - don't let your sisters take that away from you.
When my dad passed away in 2004, I did not want my mother's daughter (my half sister) from her first marriage, who was 15 years older than myself, to attend my dad's funeral. Why? Because she was always trying to come between my mom and dad. My dad did not like the trouble she would cause over the years. In his last years, he did come to a place of being a little more at peace in her presence and I certainly didn't try to take that away from him as that was his business. But, she nearly ruined my parent's marriage in which all of us suffered and it left an indelible mark on me both as a child and young adult. The night after my dad passed away, the hospice Pastor who had been visiting our family while he was dying could see I was troubled. He asked what was wrong and I explained that I didn't want her at the funeral causing trouble and ruining everything that we had planned (she had already ruined my wedding day). My husband and I made all the arrangements as my mom was 79 and she couldn't think clearly. I wanted everything to be nice but, she gets angry when she isn't the center of attention and tends to storm off and disappear making my mom go look for her. I just couldn't bare that happening. So the Pastor told my mom everything I told him.
The day of the funeral, I was slightly nervous wondering if she would "just show up" even though she lived over an hour away. Thankfully, she didn't and we had a lovely service.
This was the first death I had ever experienced in my immediate family and I was so naive thinking everyone would just get along. It is extremely painful to realize that it's not always the case.
You have done everything you can do to help bring everyone together peaceably. Please attend your mom's funeral even if it means alone. Your sisters will be the ones who will (if they have any shred of humanness) have to deal with any regrets if and when that time should come. Go in peace my dear and may you feel God's love and comfort in the difficult days ahead!
After reading your responses to everyone's comments, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are taking action in the midst of this difficult time - you're drawing a line in the sand as to what you will and won't do.
It's time to let the battle belong between your two sisters and stay completely out of the fray. They have relied on you far too long trying to get you to take each of their sides and you seem to have been able to take the high road in being loving towards each one of them individually. Try not to allow them to "suck" you back in ever again. This has taken its toll on you over the past 20 + years and you've already said that you are having a difficult time eating, sleeping and that your stomach is tied up in knots. Of course, I realize that a good part of that is having just lost your mother which is normal but, it's also accumulative as well. I'm glad you see that the "funeral is about your mother and they should be able to respect that". Well said - it sounds like you have several plans upon your return. I applaud you for that and wish you the best!
P.S. And do be careful as you drive 9 hours Monday for her funeral!
The Hotel sounds good. Stay neutral. Do what you need to do and then return home. When one sister calls to complain about the other, just say not your Drama, not getting involved you just don't have the energy.
As BarbBrooklyn said, "Your mother raised ONE smart and compassionate child."
It is odd how those raised under the same roof can turn out so different, but it is what it is. I don't have sisters, just 2 brothers, but at times they were like this. Once during a 3 way discussion (I think it was group text), the two of them went at it, blaming, comparing what they did or didn't do, etc. I was so disgusted I exited and turned my phone off. I have lost count how many times I have said that I think I am the only one in the family who got any brains!!! I'm no Einstein, but seriously...
"I've taken myself out of the middle and both will have to fend for themselves to get information. I'm done."
Sounds like a GREAT PLAN! Stick to it!
Our mother is still in MC (4+ years now.) Until lock down, I was really the only one visiting. OB isn't local, nor is he welcome here anymore. He was abusive to me when we were children, and during the move to MC and prepping condo for sale I discovered this never really went away. After physically and verbally abusing me yet again, I had him leave and am done with him. He did not attend dad's burial, and I don't expect him to travel here for mom's either, whenever that happens. Good, I say! YB hasn't made any real improvements in our relationship. I stopped pestering him to say whether he was going to join us for some holiday meal, or special day (pestered because it would sometimes take multiple texts to get an answer, and even then it was vague!) The only reason for contact at this point is one medical appointment requires taking her outside the local transport area and I can't support her weight (she won't stand or walk on her own anymore.) So, this falls on him and he's always complaining about it and/or trying to get out of it. It is only 4x per year - not like it takes up that much of his sorry existence! He also has more time to go before he can retire, and most likely mom will be gone by then, so he will be scot-free!!!
At that point, I don't plan any kind of memorial or big ceremony. Her plans include cremation and burial with my dad's remains. Most friends and all close family are gone (she'll be 97 in about 3 weeks, going on 2!) so there's no point to big plans. I doubt OB would come (yay!) and don't really care if YB plans to. Hoping my daughter can go with me, as she did with my dad - she lived a good long time and had a GREAT retirement, so at this point it is just getting through the inevitable.
Do what is best for YOU. Don't even give them another passing thought. If they pop into your head, banish them! If perhaps they do both end up at the burial/funeral, distance yourself from them. If they start the blame game and finger pointing, cut them off and tell them they are sullying mom's memory and should just stop. Walk away. Keep them at arm's length. Honor yourself and your mom. Period. No one needs that kind of crap going on when we are grieving!
You should let them know for once how you feel about it and that their selfishness and bickering of thinking only of themselves even at this time is awful.
Let them know you will be attending the funeral by yourself and will offer neither one of them any more updates.
Love and Prayers
It is unfortunate that your two sisters are at odds, but please realize that you are not going to change them and the more you try the more you will be disappointed,
Regarding the funeral, all I can say is that we are responsible for our own actions. And your sisters are responsible for the decision as to whether or not they attend their mothers funeral. It’s a shame that they would let their ill feelings for each other overrule the love they have for their mother, but realize that that is their choice - you go, and even if that means going alone, you go to your mothers funeral, you say goodbye to her properly and you have that time with her alone if that’s what it turns out to be - you will be able to lay your head on your pillow at night knowing that you did the right thing and you may even appreciate the time that you had with just you and your mom if that’s what it turns out to be.
I know you may feel alone, remember that you are not as our dear Lord is always with us. My best to you!
I’m so sorry you are going thru this but stay strong, insulate yourself and be with your mother for yourself. May God bless and give you comfort. Just went thru the death of my mom last March. Couldn’t go to her burial as Covid had just hit. Very sad. But Mom knows I loved her. The ceremony is for the living. Sorry your sisters might miss that. Mary
I’m so sorry you are going thru this but stay strong, insulate yourself and be with your mother for yourself. May God bless and give you comfort. Just went thru the death of my mom last March. Couldn’t go to her burial as Covid had just hit. Very sad. But Mom knows I loved her. The ceremony is for the living. Sorry your sisters might miss that. Mary
My two cents: Deaths tend to accentuate family dynamics to an acute level. And shift things in a momentous way for the future depending on how we relate to the events. Many times, people who use another's death to try to get attention for themselves and their own negativity are cementing a path in their own lives which will continue to play out over the years, so you may see your sisters become even more embittered beyond this event. In which case it's wise to begin to distance yourself and get on with your life without them in it. Your sisters could choose to use this as an opportunity to heal, but they seem terrified, clinging to old familiar ways of being - which are, unfortunately, corrosive. In the aftermath, there will be consequences for the ones who chose to behave in ways that were other than uplifting towards the the legacy and memory of the one who passed on. You are on the right path. They need counseling and support to see their selfish inability to embrace in an emotionally mature way, the loss of their mother.
Sorry for the loss of your mother, Sending my thoughts and prayers to you during this most difficult time. You can private message me anytime for support.
You have enough to deal with. Emotions are high during a death of a parent. Do not get involved with your sisters squabbles, it is their relationship. Let them do what they want about the funeral. Very sad they can't set aside their feelings for the sake of your dear mother, how selfish and cruel. You have every right to have your sister stay with you. The other sister sounds quite controlling, let her be. Plan your mother's funeral and stay away from negative energy. It is really their problem to begin with. You can't fix them. Personal hardships sometimes bring out the best or the worst in a person. You are the strong and compassionate one, your mother would be proud. Stay focused on what needs to be done. Remember you are never alone, God is not far away. Hugs to you!!
I am so sorry for your loss and that your sisters can't just stop their nonsense for 1 day.
May God give you strength and wisdom during this difficult time. May HE give you peace and grieving mercies to hold you up during this time.
# 2 You are not alone. Take comfort in Christ. You are in my morning prayers.
I must depend upon the Holy Spirit to guide me how to maintain a loving relationship with others while purging myself of toxic folks so they do not create unnecessary drama and chaos in my life.