I am the middle child and get along well with most everyone including my two sisters. However they hate each other and are constantly making snide remarks to me about each other. I stay out of it and don't comment. Both are married with families. I am single. I am grieving my mother passing and will be driving 9 hours to the funeral on Monday. My older sister and her family will stay with me in my mother's house to give me some company. I have also been the go between giving the older sister important information on my mother's declining health and also the funeral arrangements. I felt that it was important as my mother's child also that she stayed informed. The younger sister doesn't want the older sister to stay in our mother's house and told me that she would fight with her on this. She then said that I was taking sides when I said why and said F*ck you too and hung up on me. She then sent me a text saying that she would not be attending our mother's funeral. The older sister also said the she and her husband would talk about it and may not attend either because they refuse to get involved in the drama. I am more than stressed out and very anxious. I will be attending alone and I am alone.
Focus on the relationship you had with your mom and cherish the good memories of her. If you've planned a funeral or service follow through with it - it will provide closure. Your sisters are adults - they can be there or not - its up to them.
First piece of advice: Quit being the go between. I have learned the hard way, just dealing with my adult children, who seem to always have one issue or another with each other. Every time I try to smooth things over, so my children will come and enjoy a holiday together, it always back fires. They even blackmailed my husband and I (like your sisters in a way - "we won't come if the other is there or she can't stay in the house"). One adult child said they wouldn't be coming over with their family and our grandchildren unless we told the other child to watch her kids at all times, and we as Grandparents couldn't play or hug the other kids while they were there. Childish behavior - just like your sisters.
Second: Lay down the law. Once we decided we wouldn't be the buffer anymore between the 3 siblings, we stated our views and made tough decisions.
We tell them now when and what times we will be doing different holidays, vacations or get togethers. We tell them they are all invited and we would love to see them all. However, we will not tolerate disrespect and rudeness in our home. If they choose to come we are glad, if they choose not to come, we let them know maybe next time. This was hard due to the grandkids as you can imagine. But we had to stick to our guns or always have this pettiness going back and forth and affecting the poor innocent cousins who love each other and always want to play with each other.
Third: Keep communication open with each of them, however, limited discussions about your family and their family. Try to avoid bringing in any discussions about the other families. Sometimes even uplifting or accomplishments about the other family breeds resentment.
Lastly, hold unto pleasant memories of your Mom and be glad she does not have to listen and see the childish behavior of her adult children. You can not force an adult to behave. You can point out to each of them how disrespectful this is to the memory of your Mom. That this is not the time for their mental abuse of each other or you. You would love that you could see all of them at this time and share your Mother's death and your grief together. However, we all make choices and have to live with those choices. Maybe they will change their mind and remember that it's about your Mom and not them for a change. Selfish people think about themselves and how things affect them and don't care about others. Say your peace and let it be.
If both of them are so childish as to miss their mother's funeral to make a point to each other, so be it. Their loss. You can't fix that for them. The sister that is going to talk w/her husband to determine if they will attend - they already know the other sister is not attending, right? Sounds like one or both of them trying to get you to take a side. Like I said, don't play their games and if they don't attend, it's their loss. And it is very stupid and childish on their part.
For any other info that you need to share with them, send a group text or email that include their names and your own. Share the info. If they argue on the msg with each other, it's between them. Don't play the game that both of them want you to play. You have evidently played peacemaker for a long time. Give yourself a break and handle things the best you can. No one can ask more than that.
Takes a load of in some respect, and I no longer had to waste my time trying to chase my brother down (text messages - seriously, you can't just say Yes or No in response?) Relief? A bit, but mainly because it freed up my time and space in my head thinking about it! It still irked me that they aren't visiting with her. Up until the lock down, I was the only one of three to visit her in MC.
OB isn't local, but I also no longer talk to him and he isn't welcome anywhere near me, ever (abuse in childhood is one thing, from a grown-ass man? Nope. Done.) Even if he was, I doubt he would be visiting. His last trip up, over 2 years ago, to help get the condo set, he went once and refused to go again, saying he "didn't know what to do with her."
YB wouldn't respond to inquiries about upcoming 'special' meals, and other special days. Several would have to be sent, over time, not like I pestered him 50 times/day! It got so bad that one time he asked if he could still go the morning of the 'special' day! Eventually I just stopped asking.
Funny thing is, mom used to occasionally ask me if I'd heard from one or the other of them. I would give some vague answer, something to satisfy her. Eventually she stopped asking. Hmmm.... Out of sight, out of mind? She still knew who I was, although she is/was living about 40 years ago. Hopefully she hasn't forgotten me during this lock down! She has really bad hearing, so no phone. No window access (faces interior garden.) Any other method wouldn't work because of her hearing and dementia. They have recently started outdoor visits, but you have to stay 6' away, so she won't be able to hear me!
When mom died I opted for a simple cremation, no ceremony. When a person dies, that's it. They are gone.
Mom's ashes are in a beautiful wooden cigar box and kept in an antique cabinet at home.
The best thing to do for your mom is carry on and go on living. That's what she would want.
# 2 You are not alone. Take comfort in Christ. You are in my morning prayers.
I must depend upon the Holy Spirit to guide me how to maintain a loving relationship with others while purging myself of toxic folks so they do not create unnecessary drama and chaos in my life.
I am so sorry for your loss and that your sisters can't just stop their nonsense for 1 day.
May God give you strength and wisdom during this difficult time. May HE give you peace and grieving mercies to hold you up during this time.
Sorry for the loss of your mother, Sending my thoughts and prayers to you during this most difficult time. You can private message me anytime for support.
You have enough to deal with. Emotions are high during a death of a parent. Do not get involved with your sisters squabbles, it is their relationship. Let them do what they want about the funeral. Very sad they can't set aside their feelings for the sake of your dear mother, how selfish and cruel. You have every right to have your sister stay with you. The other sister sounds quite controlling, let her be. Plan your mother's funeral and stay away from negative energy. It is really their problem to begin with. You can't fix them. Personal hardships sometimes bring out the best or the worst in a person. You are the strong and compassionate one, your mother would be proud. Stay focused on what needs to be done. Remember you are never alone, God is not far away. Hugs to you!!
My two cents: Deaths tend to accentuate family dynamics to an acute level. And shift things in a momentous way for the future depending on how we relate to the events. Many times, people who use another's death to try to get attention for themselves and their own negativity are cementing a path in their own lives which will continue to play out over the years, so you may see your sisters become even more embittered beyond this event. In which case it's wise to begin to distance yourself and get on with your life without them in it. Your sisters could choose to use this as an opportunity to heal, but they seem terrified, clinging to old familiar ways of being - which are, unfortunately, corrosive. In the aftermath, there will be consequences for the ones who chose to behave in ways that were other than uplifting towards the the legacy and memory of the one who passed on. You are on the right path. They need counseling and support to see their selfish inability to embrace in an emotionally mature way, the loss of their mother.
I’m so sorry you are going thru this but stay strong, insulate yourself and be with your mother for yourself. May God bless and give you comfort. Just went thru the death of my mom last March. Couldn’t go to her burial as Covid had just hit. Very sad. But Mom knows I loved her. The ceremony is for the living. Sorry your sisters might miss that. Mary
I’m so sorry you are going thru this but stay strong, insulate yourself and be with your mother for yourself. May God bless and give you comfort. Just went thru the death of my mom last March. Couldn’t go to her burial as Covid had just hit. Very sad. But Mom knows I loved her. The ceremony is for the living. Sorry your sisters might miss that. Mary