Every time I try to discuss moving my mother into a care facility or my own home, I am cut short because she is supporting my 54 y/o sister who lives with her, drives her car, spends her money on groceries, etc. The problem is, my mother's dementia is getting worse and she needs help with bathing, mobility, meal preparation, medicine, etc. She won't leave my sister (her "baby"), but my sister will not provide consistent, good care (I suspect she is over-using pain meds and is often asleep). I am the power of attorney (both health and financial) and feel like I need to make a move regardless, but my sister is really good at making me feel guilty. I cannot have my sister in my home. Is it cruel to move my mom against her will?
Impaired mother is at risk, living with her drug-addicted daughter who does not care for her properly. You might also use the therapeutic fib and tell Mom that sister will be coming along later.
Before you do anything, make sure you have Durable Power of Attorney so that sister does not continue to live in Mom’s house. You may also want to consult an attorney so that you can legally toss your sister out, sell the house and the car and use the funds for Mom’s care.
Does sis have any income? If so, it may be enough to cover the second person fee for mom’s IL apartment.
It could be a problem when mom dies. If sis doesn’t inherit enough money to stay, she’d have to move out of IL.
Ignore the guilt from the “renter”. You are POA for a reason and were/are trusted.
There is no easy way to say this, but you have two problems to solve, which means that you need to spend time, creativity and ask for help via community resources.
I would recommend that you keep Adult Protective Services out of the mix; the government is not great at solving problems and caring, but they are great with dictating the rules. Neither do they work and play well with others. With POA, you can already dictate the rules; you just don't want the guilt associated with it. And until you come up with the best possible solution, you will feel guilty.
That means starting with an elder care attorney for starters and taking a good look at the finances. What can your mother afford? Does your sister work? Can she work? Is caregiving her sole job? Do you or other family members help? Is your sister mentally ill, drug-addicted, or both? Does she see a counselor or psychiatrist? It's possible that needs real help herself. If you have performed any caregiving for an extended period of time, you know what it can do to someone. It can cause depression and act as a catalyst for alcohol or drug abuse. It can eradicate all the joy of life. It's always more complicated than that, and your sister probably has a pattern of using others to avoid taking responsibility for her own needs, but her problems aren't going to go away by themselves.
You need to dig in and get some real answers so that you know what your options are. I'm so sorry; this is incredibly hard, and none of us are equipped to deal with it. We have to advocate for anyone in our families who is vulnerable and not able to fend for themselves, even if it's against someone in our own family.
It does sound like your mom needs assisted living, to include medication management. If she is not able to perform her ADLs and is not taking her meds properly, the situation she is currently in is a danger to her health. Not to mention, it sounds like she is being financially exploited by your sister.
Your sister will continue to try to make you feel guilty because her meal ticket is about to get cut off. I wouldn't let her guilt tripping get to you. As long as you are doing what is best for your mom, you don't have anything to feel guilty for.
As mentioned by another poster, you can also discuss with the attorney the possibility of a rental agreement should allowing your sister to continue to live in the home be a possibility agreed upon by you and your sister, provided she pays rent and is responsible for utilities, her own bills, etc. The rental income, however, may affect your mom's Medicaid application should she need to apply, so I'd be sure and ask about how to properly account for that as well. Sister should not have access to your mom's bank accounts if you are the POA.
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