My mom’s bitterness turned into something physical for the first time. What can I do?
As I’ve shared before on AgingCare my mom has always been very difficult, to say the least. Reason why I, only child and only person that she can count on, am here taking care of her to the best of my abilities. Since last night she has been very upset, mad, and would not tell me why. I think it has to do with her thinking I don’t do or handle the house chores as she would do it. But I’m doing the best I can, honestly. My main focus is her wellbeing, that she is eating healthy and on time, helping her, being there if she needs something. Today she was furious (well, since last night); since early in the morning. Everything she said was nasty and everything I said was taken the wrong way. As background, my mom is refusing medical help, we are overseas, no nursing homes here unless you have the means to get private at home care. So I’m it. Today I went to mass, actually I never leave the house because everyday there is something wrong with her that makes me not have the heart to leave her alone. But today I felt I needed to, so went to mass and grabbed a coffee afterwards. Took me an hour and a half probably, I think that made her even more mad. Came back, she was sleeping or pretending to. A while later she got out of her bedroom and headed to the kitchen, I asked if she needed anything, she told me -visibly mad- that she wanted the leftovers from last night...but last night she told me she wasn’t even going to tell me to keep the leftovers because she knew I wouldn’t do it (?) and that she didn’t want them anyway...so I gave the leftovers to the dogs last night. So today once I told her I disposed of the leftovers because I thought she didn’t want them, she grabbed a plate with food from the refrigerator and threw it on the floor,plate broke, food everywhere, and I was/am paralyzed with concern...because being as alone as I am on this journey, if this is a symptom of a worsening undiagnosed mental condition or physical condition, I don’t know what I am going to do. Even if it’s just that she feels so miserable that I’m not really helping her..what am I doing then? What can I do? I have to go back to the US in June (I moved overseas to her house to care for her) because my house rental agreement (I’m renting my house out) is over and need to go receive my property, fix it up and find new tenants, all in four weeks, I hope. Still no one that can stay with her while I’m gone..she doesn’t tolerate anybody. I’m so concerned. I love my mom, with all me heart! It’s truly only God and I on this, and He is the reason why I’ve been able to do all I’m doing, and to keep going, but I’m so scared not to know what to do, and to fall short, I’m AM falling short!..not do or be what she needs at this stage in her life. My heart feels so heavy with..sadness, disappointment, concern..loneliness.
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She said she understands she was wrong to do what she did, and that I’ve nothing to be blamed for. That she is sorry and she doesn’t want me to believe she is crazy, that she was just completely overwhelmed. Her voice was breaking as she said this.
I told her she never needs to apologize to me, that I understand, completely understand how she feels. That my main concern wasn’t at all what I felt, but that I knew she had to be at her limit to have lost it like that. That it hurts me to no end that she is hurting so much. That I love her. The rest doesn’t matter.
Now, do I feel better after what she said? Not really, not at all.
See, I don’t need validation, I don’t need apologies, specially not from my mother. What I really need, she cannot give me because at this point it is out of her control, and that is, peace of mind.
It really makes me very sad to see her so diminished and so over her limit. It also doesn’t mean that it won’t happen again...especially when I’m gone. Or maybe when I’m gone she’ll do better because she won’t have me to complain to, almost as her punching bag (I admit that’s how it feels to be the recipient of her anger sometimes).
Im sharing this so we all remember that out elderly loved ones are trapped within themselves and are many times the victims of their own doing, their on thinking, their own choices.
Nothing my mom said is new to me. The problem is she doesn’t understand for example that remaining inside her house with no other distraction other than her own thoughts is the worst way to deal with life, specially at this,point; that chosing isolation over socialization has consequences (I’m guilty of this too). She doesn’t understand that she has had a problem with anger all her life, and now that problem is a deadly weapon that points at herself, because it became the root of her bitterness. She doesn’t understand that someone that is consistently unhappy becomes permanently bitter.
How much unawareness we can live with and carry all throughout our life, which at the end becomes our own trap! How ironic is life.
It’s is good reminder I think -at least it is for me- that we need to be careful and mindful of our choices as to how to live our life, so when we get to our golden years the weight we carry, aside from illness and weakness, isn’t made unnecessarily heavier because of our self imposed limitations and adopted sorrows.
On the bright side, today I talked to a lady that someone recommended, and she said she would come on Monday. If this works out, by the time I need to travel I hope she is fully trained and my mom is used to her. Crossing fingers she does come, and that she is good and the solution I was hoping for!
We, human beings all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths ARE our weaknesses.
My mom has always been independent, in control, and very strong, always knowing what to do and doing it (or at least that’s how she felt). So loosing all of that is too much for her, and if you add her physical issues, her emotional issues, it’s really a tragedy.
I fully understand all that, but also pray that her really loosing it to the point of throwing a plate on the floor with absolute anger does not mean she’s truly getting worse, specially now that I’ve to go, well, in about two months.
I’m just praying it was just a really bad day for her, as we could have it. The thing is, afterwards, although she knows she did something wrong, she keeps an offended attitude, I act lovingly and normal, but she keeps acting as if I had done something to offend her, which doesn’t bother in the sense that I know none of her behavior is based on any logical reason (as in me doing something wrong), but it does bother me because it concerns me, greatly, as it relates to her emotional and mental situation.
And oh I wish I could trust someone in VA to manage my property!
Everybody’s words are comforting, always, and I appreciate them tremendously! I just pray all of us receive the light we need to go through each one of our paths.
Just throwing it out there. I am so sorry the weight of your load has increased. If I were in VA I would offer to handle your properties as we manage properties here. I will be praying for you, and hang in there. I know that God gives YOU an amazing strength and it will all work out Rosses. You are not alone.
Don't lose hope and don't lose faith. I wish I could give you wonderful words like yo always have for others.
This is my choice. Yet, that doesn’t make it easier. Choosing to do “the right thing” means usually accepting the hardest path. And I know I’m greatly affecting my own life.
Someone reminded me that we should learn to live through the difficult stages of life, find a way because there is always a way, stop trying to change the unchangeable as that is like trying to walk through a wall of cement, it won’t happen, we will only hurt ourselves trying. So, we need to accept and learn to live what we have ahead. Sounds simple, but so very hard in practice.
I just hope my mom’s mental health and general health doesn’t get worse. Or that at least I’ve the opportunity to handle one problem at a time. And I truly pray to find the wisdom to do what is best for her, as that will mean doing the best for my peace of heart in the long run.
The hard part is evaluating her competency. You can't expect someone with a compromised brain to make decisions. But it sounds as though your mom suffers from cancer not dementia. You are turning your life upside down to stand by your mom and it doesn't seem to be what she wants.
In my family culture, care of the elderly was just assigned to the eldest girl and the eldest boy handled the finances. No one ever said this out loud, but this is how it was modeled and expected. I have friends from the same ethnic background who have seriously compromised their own financial futures caring for parents. My very good friend said "This is what I want to do. I'm doing it for me...not for them. " and I respect that. But her brothers absolutely took her sacrifice for granted and her father absolutely expected it and I didn't see a lot of reflection about whether or not it was the fair solution. It was just the way things were. So maybe give some thought to how things were modeled for you and then re examine those values and make sure they are still the ones you want to live by. Because you are affecting your own life and your own financial future. Make sure it's what you want to do...not a default position.
I hope this doesn't come across as unkind. I am completely empathetic to your situation and you really sound like someone who is trying to do the right thing. But do the right thing for yourself and for your mom as far as you are able. Best of luck!
Me too.
Veronica, I had a managing agent before, and had the WORST experience ever despite the fact that they came highly recommended. To make a long story short, I trusted them with my house as I had to leave to care for my mother, leaving them to find suitable renters. Well, they rented my house to five college kids...yet told me they’d found a “really nice couple”. When I found out, I still kept them as managers out of need, as switching companies at that point was more trouble than what I could handle from here, and I could not make the kids leave at that point as they had/have a contract..as a result my house now needs serious repairing (a friend sent me pictures); all these to tell you, I need to go receive my house and I know I’ll have to fix it up. I cannot afford someone doing it on my behalf and charging me an arm and a leg for everything; and I don’t want to sell it.
I know not all managing agents are the same, but I’ve had enough. I already ended up paying more in repairs than what I received from the rental last year. So, I’ve concluded that there’s no choice but for me to go in person. It’s my most important asset, the one that will help me to get back on my feet once I finally go back ‘home’, as I’ll need a home to go back to. So I need to take care of that too, as that is my future.
And I don’t mind sharing where my house is, it is in Richmond, VA. I wish there was an angel that could actually handle the management of the property as it should be done!
That way maybe you would not need to return to the US at all. Do you mind sharing your location? If you don't want to that is fine but there maybe other members who are from a similar location and could help you with services if there are any.
I’m by no means irresponsible, and know the seriousness of the situation...hence my serious concern! I understand both of your points, and hope that from now to June I can find someone that’s trustworthy and that will understand that she needs to ignore the rudeness, specially not take it personally, which someone qualified would do..but that doesn’t lessen my concern.
Were I you, I would have Mom thoroughly checked by a doctor before I left. That way, you can leave with peace of mind that you did all you could.
You sound like you could use some help. Maybe the church has someone you can speak to? Possibly your mother's doctor's office has someone who can guide you to local resources. What your mom will or won't accept is really not part of the equation right now. You are leaving. She is a vulnerable adult. What does the community do with vulnerable adults? Find out.
I’m only going to the US for four weeks, but need to find someone to stay with her.
She is supremely consumed by anger. I don’t think there’s the excuse of an UTI. And I don’t think she’s at the point of grabbing a knife, I don’t think she’ll ever be because it seems to me that no matter how deep in pain, mental or physical, she is, she always grabs on to her reality, not sure if that makes sense. It does feel like an against the wall situation for me as her caregiver and as her daughter.