I’m a single parent of 3 and I have an older sister whose married with 4 girls. My sister lives out of town but until recently, she has always had a much closer relationship with our mother than I have.
My mom has been remarried for 19 years now and she absolutely hates my step dad. They were recently both very sick with Covid and were hospitalized. My step dad stayed in hospital about 3 weeks longer than my mother but she overheard him saying some cruel, completely unnecessary things to one of the nurses. She was so upset the nurse actually came into her room to calm her down. I have taken care of my mom daily since she had been back home and my step dad too once he was back home. She has been very appreciative, unlike my step dad. But my mom can not get over the incident in the hospital and she snaps at my step dad continuously! He has nowhere to go or she would kick him out of her house! They do not act like husband and wife and she is miserable. He does not seem to think it’s a big deal. How can I help her before she becomes unhealthy from stress!? They are both 80 years old. My stepdad does NOTHING around the house, which makes my mother hate him that much more. Please give me some advice!
My DH's parents squabbled non stop for all the years they were married. Both had legitimate 'issues' with the other, the main one being they hated each other and should never have married in the first place. But...that wasn't their kids' problem..it was just a constant, ongoing drama.
FIL got kicked out MANY times before SIL said to him "Dad, we can't stand this. Either figure out a way to live together or split up. Having you divorce will be preferable to THIS".
And they did divorce after 42 years of marriage. Dad was much happier, MIL has gotten progressively angrier and nastier as the years have passed (48!). Nothing and nobody was good enough for her.
She always tried to drag anyone and everyone into her anger, and we refused.
This isn't your fight to fight. Having my DH see only a hate filled marriage has made our marriage so much harder. He doesn't KNOW how to be a husband.
Alva gave you some good words to use. Use them! Be a support, but don't get involved in 'he said, she said'.
Has your Mom said that she wishes to leave/divorce your stepdad?
Have you asked her if she wishes to leave and divorce her husband?
Don't make the mistake of judging the bickering relationship of your Mom and Stepdad by your own standards, and by the amount of bickering you hear. Sit her down and tell her "Let me know when you want to separate from and leaves stepdad, and I will help. Meanwhile you need not to burden others with your bickering; our plates are full."
I myself don't choose to live in a bickering relationship, and don't. But I DO notice that if he says "Peeled potatoes go into COLD water" and I respond "It doesn't matter if the water is hot or cold", all our girls (we each raised two so that means four) think we are "bickering". Hee hee.
At their age, and post-covid, one or both of them could be experiencing cognitive decline. It shows up in strange ways. One is that your mom didn't hear what she thought she heard. Or maybe she did hear something displeasing but is having an outsized reaction to it. Your stepD could appear "lazy" but it's totally possible this is how his decline is manifesting (see other posts about "lazy" parents). He literally can't do what he used to. And your mom's filter is breaking.
The only practical thing you can do is to make sure they both have their legal ducks in a row to prepare for what's ahead of them. Do they have durable PoAs assigned? Living Wills? Medical representatives? If not, it is urgent this takes place asap -- without these legal vehicles in place it will make caregiving and decision-making for them much more difficult. If they already have this, then great.
Otherwise you should get them each separately to their doctor and have the doc give a cognitive exam (the written test) to see where they're both at. This will let you know what you're dealing with, if anything.
My mom is 91 and lives next door to me. Cognitively and physically she is in impressive condition. When she was visiting family down in FL I had called my cousin there to advise that she not be allowed to drive since that ability for her had declined and the traffic and distances were way more challenging. Well, my cousin didn't handle it very tactfully and my mom, who all her life adored this niece, is now savagely angry with her and continues to be so. Yet, my mom is pretty normal with me, appreciative of what I do for her. My point is that please don't overlook that your mom could be showing signs of change even though she "seems" decent to you. Dementia is a weird disease and can look different in different people. I wish you much wisdom and peace as you work to help them as their lives goes forward.
How were they getting on with one another before they fell ill?
And how is their recovery going, each of them?
The thing is. Unless one or both of them could be classified as vulnerable (physically or mentally), you really can't do anything about their relationship. They will have to sort this out for themselves. Like grown ups. Which they are.