Hi,
I wrote about my situation last year when I was contacted about my mother because I’m her only next of kin & went no contact with her. The hospital deemed her incompetent where she lives 3,000 miles away. I stood strong saying no to being her guardian & refused to take away her phone as their solution to her calls. However, she is at the facility & stalks me with 20+ calls/ day (I block her), blaming me for her life choices, telling me she’s being starved & continued histrionics. A good friend advised I get a restraining order on her because she’s done this since I moved away @ 18, she just had different complaints. She believes my role is to serve her & is a borderline mother who can’t be pleased. I’ve tried to speak to her, but she continues to lie, manipulate & tries to convince me I’m responsible for her. I know this isn’t true but don’t know why I even care & don’t just shut her out completely? She’s been dying or threatening suicide since I was a child. She forbid me from calling her guardian but she isn’t in her right mind. She will be angry if I call to request my mother stop calling me. I save her messages to the cloud as proof of her calls because she will deny them (usually don’t listen) except I recently did because I can’t delete/save as fast as she fills my voicemail back up. I don’t want to change my number because I’ve had it for over 25 years & it’s something I’ve kept where old friends can still reach me. Basically, she lost her rights but still uses scare tactics because I’m a pushover. I did make it clear in a brief text I’m NOT responsible for her & to threaten “ they” will come find me no longer applies because she has a legal guardian and is safe. I suggested she tell her guardian if she’s going to kill herself. She literally doesn’t understand why I don’t want her in my life & I feel sorry for her despite her being a gaslighter & her willingness to do anything to hurt me if she still could. She forgets all the horrible things she’s done since I was a child, continues to do & refuses to discuss them. The bottom line is how can I take back my power by saying no more because she can’t respect my boundaries? I miss time-sensitive calls because my voice mail is full & don’t want to give her another day of my life. Should I just contact her guardian to request she leave me alone or I will have to file a restraining order? I’m sorry I wrote so much. It’s just hard because I wish I didn’t care if I hurt her feelings. I wish I could just be numb to her but it’s not my personality makeup because I’m an empathetic person. She cries we will never see each other again & I will get the call she’s dead & it will be all my fault. She said I deserve to suffer and live with the guilt I killed my mother for the rest of my life.
Anyone who may have some advice or techniques on how to deal with her would be greatly appreciated.
Totally different situation, but my mom was calling me upwards to 17 x/day, filling up the voicemail, I’d miss other calls due to full voicemail or ringer off, etc..I still had to keep in touch with her of course..…Finally I figured out I could add a second phone to my contract and that’s what I did. THAT ringer is on, I give that number only to friends and necessary important in-calls. Mom has never known this number existed. Minor nuisance sometimes with two numbers , and annoyingly the spam calls found me, but I swear the second I got that second number it was like angels singing, ‘aaaaaa’ a huge relief!
Fyi I did this a couple of years ago w/Verizon. Had to pay $140 plus 40$ ‘activation fee’ ( urg ) but since then its $6 month which has been the best 6 bucks/mo spent ever. I got the cheapest phone they had which was a LG flip phone and ironically of course it has better reception than the ‘smart’ phone. Mom gets ONE call a day via the number she knows and I don’t miss doctor callbacks and whatnot so long as they have my stealth number. Overall friends were understanding - we all lose phones and switch numbers anyway. Now they have 2 numbers.
Super stealth ‘dumb’ phone. Love it! Best to you in your situation..
I tried a couple other brands, but VTech was the better choice based on how it handled the blocked calls.
At any rate, with a lifelong history such as this, put mom in the rearview mirror. No contact from you. Delete (or store, as you've done) her messages without listening.
There are no techniques left. She is who she is, will do what she does.
Rearview mirror. Leave the venom in the dust. Don't look back.
You don't want to change your old phone number, and people have offered possible solutions to that.
If she continues to clog your phone b/c options suggested don't relate to your phone, you really don't have a choice, do you? New number. New phone. Whichever.
Nothing will change unless something changes. A different number at this point seems the lesser of the continuing evils you describe.
If she has always been this way, make peace with her through a letter. Get a P.O. Box, write her a letter that she can't reply to. In it, speak your heart, but show strength by telling her that you are both grown people, you care about her, you wan what's best for her, but you will not allow her to manipulate you. You're done with that (you'd be surprised at how your being independent and strong, but loving, will affect her).
It's not about feelings, but about facts and what needs to be done. We can't control how other people treat us, but we can control how they affect us.
I had a step mother like that, and it terrified me when my brother and me discovered she had been taking our dad's money and paying herself to care for him. I was never able to stand up to her, until she hurt my father like that and took his life savings. get out of the feeling zone. It's on her whether she decides to receive your love, and on her whether she decides to behave. If she doesn't, the consequence is that she will be taken care of, but she will not be allowed to inflict pain on others. You've got to heal and grow up into the woman you were created to be. You will find yourself stronger than you've ever been, and remember, guilt is not from God. So, know that it isn't God making you feel that way. Walk with the Lord, and discover what true freedom feel like. God bless you in your journey.
At first when she was placed in the NH fall of 2020, I would often get ten or more calls in a row. Calls all hours of the night. Crazy rants about this or that. At first, I tried to take the calls and then, choose to let them go to voice mail. But the constant pop ups on my phone were maddening intrusions. So I blocked her number almost 7 months ago. And have also gone not contact, although as her only child I am the POA and "health agent" so no "direct contact" with her, but still in contact with her health team.
I figured out, on an iPhone (not sure about androids) if you block a number, the person in theory can still leave a voice message which will appear in the "blocked messages" section of your phone but person cannot text you. So block the number as a first step.
And, then you have options:
1) Choose to NOT look at your phone's block voice message section; much less listen to her blocked messages. Ignore any messages that may be there. And, then choose a once a month day to just delete them without listening.
2) Leave your voice mail full, so she cannot leave a message at all. Just let friends and family know to text you OR email you. Call attempts will still show up with the number from all unblocked callers even though they too cannot leave a voice message but you will know if folks other than your mom are calling.
Try 1 and 2 for about 6 months. I have found that over time in my case -- the no contact, no response to any of her voice messages -- that is NO REACTION -- over time they become exhausted or perhaps bored with the game. See with a narcissist (your mom sound like one) they choose to be drama queens like this to create conflict, controversy and to push your buttons so YOU WILL REACT and that then given them the "supply" they need, they GOT YOUR JUICES GOING and to them that is mana from heaven.
Hard, but just block, ignore, do not listen and delete. The more reaction -- seeking a restraining order, talking to her guardian, changing your cell humber -- they more you are playing her game, on her playing field with her rules. CHANGE THE GAME and make it your choice to ignore it all and MOVE ON.
Blocking calls/specific phone numbers is different for Landlines or Mobile phones.
Landline: Go into service provider's website, your account settings and enter the phone number you want to block under blocked numbers. Your phone won't ring and the caller gets a message like "the number you are trying to reach is not accepting calls at this time." Easy peasey.
Android cell phones: This was a nightmare. I blocked my father's number per instructions. Your phone doesn't ring at all but the caller can STILL LEAVE A VOICEMAIL. I didn't want him to think he was even getting through, so just deleting the voice mails was not enough. I called my service provider and they were no help. Explained I had a stalker and needed a specific number blocked from leaving voicemail messages. Their answer was delete the messages without listening or change your phone number. I then asked if we could disable or uninstall voicemail entirely and that was a hard no.
Here is what I ended up having to do: I blocked the number on my landline, though he always called my cell phone. I then did the call forwarding thing so all calls went to the landline, so he got that message and couldn't leave one. Unfortunately, my cell phone didn't ring for a year, but at least other callers could leave a message on my landline and I'd call them back. It was worth it to not hear my father's demands and swearing at me in 2 languages. When he finally passed, I tried to cancel the call forwarding but it didn't work, so I ended up dropping that provider and bought a new phone. I still have the same old number though! LOL
I spent 60+ years in the F.O.G. before I reached my breaking point. Realized I should have gone No Contact years ago.
One time a staff member at the ALF called and I answered, thinking it might be important/urgent. She then put my father on the phone! Afterwards, I told her don't ever do that to me again. After that, the staff would give me a list of what dad needed and I would drop the items off at the front desk and leave. That system worked until the end.
The easiest thing might be to just get a new number and give it to your contacts and old friends, just not your mother or her caregiver. Best of luck to you.
1.Get a cheap phone and new number. Give her that number. Don't put voice mail on that phone!
2. and then BLOCK her from your personal phone. Tell her your old phone number no longer works to contact you.
3. Decide how often you'll talk to her. Once a day? Once in the morning, once at night? Then TELL her that is your plan. And stick to it. Also how long will you listen? 15 min. Perhaps that's enough. Practice a stock phrase for ending the call.
Ok, mom Im so glad we could talk and I'm going now.
That's all for now. We will talk again our regular time.
That's all the time I have so Bye for now.
And hang up.
IF your mom has anxiety, she has to have coping mechanisms. Calling you is one of them. That's not an option anymore, so, consider what she might do instead and help her with that.
There are help lines for seniors who need to talk to some one. Program those numbers into her phone.
No one, and not your mother, has permission to harass you. Unless you allow it.
Good luck!
Ps You might want to talk to her doctor about anxiety meds.
You don't need to talk to her ever. Your mother will keep being abusive. Block her completely.
I'm so sorry it comes to this for too many people with abusive family. We just have to protect ourselves.
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This is a battle of wills. You say one word & she wins. Hang up. Immediately. Every. Single. Time.
Like every toddler, she will test you and even one victory proves there’s a chink in your armor. Toddlers also know to ramp up the tantrums when they’re losing so expect mom to get worse before admitting defeat.
You have to fight the fight to win. If you relent, there’s something else going on in your relationship.
Keep upfront that you have been conditioned through ongoing abuse to feel this way. You felt powerless as a child, and you are still reacting out of this fear. Work on releasing the "FOG" which is fear, obligation and guilt. I often wonder how many of us are actually empaths or if we are just reacting out of this fog from the ongoing abuse that triggers this childhood trauma.
It's like being on automatic pilot. Take a time out to figure out if there are other choice behaviors that may be more effective in handling these tirades. We have been trained to jump to their commands and to take on the first feeling which is fear. If you get angry first, the motivating factor behind this anger is fear.
Fear will keep you a prisoner to these tyrannical people.
This behavior is very narcissistic on her part.
Since you don't want to change your phone number, and your blocking isn't working, what I did with my mother (who was calling me at all hours of day and night with every little possible 'problem' and issue) was I didn't answer her phone call (I figured if it was an emergency either the hospital or facility would call me), and when she left messages, I would just delete them without listening to them. At night time, I would turn the ringer off so it wouldn't wake me. I had a separate cell phone next to my bed that the facility and/or hospital had number so if it was a true emergency they would call on that phone. When I would visit her (just about everyday), she would complain she couldn't get a hold of me and I would say that 'there was as power outage' 'my phone is having issues' or whatever.
A restraining order won't do squat. She is elderly and possibly beginnings of dementia. I am not quite sure what you mean by 'guardian' - if it is someone at the facility, they technically can't prohibit her from using a phone in her room.
Setting boundaries is most important for yourself - they will help you keep you sanity. They won't remove the guilt, which, unfortunately, is more challenging to not feel, especially if one has been a caregiver or is a family member. But, if things keep going the way they are, trust me, eventually, you just get so wore out, that there won't be room for guilt anymore. That is what happened to me. And even after my mother passed, the guilt didn't return. Sadness that things couldn't have been different, but I knew, deep in my heart that I did absolutely everything I could without sacrificing myself completely (although 10 months later I am still attempting to physically recover from that last year of nearly 24/7).
Don't waste time trying to get her to be part of the solution. Take back your control over your life.
Done & done.
Or, you will continue trying to figure out ways to make this work, knowing it won't.
Maybe it's best if you go see your mother and have a face to face meeting to make SURE you never want to see or hear from her again. Maybe you need more closure or resolution to this situation than you're letting on, otherwise you would have made ONE simple change by now that would have stopped mother dead in her tracks. You would have changed your phone number. But you haven't. Which tells me you want to keep the lines of communication open b/c you still hold out one tiny shred of hope here.
If so, go see her and find out if there is any. You never know. Good luck!
I also learned that there are apps that can help with that:
https://infostans.com/best-free-call-blocker-apps/
Hopefully one of these will work for you medicineislogic
Your profile says you were abused physically by this woman. You have to realize that she has a mental problem that you will never be able to fix. That you don't have to love this woman. That this woman can never show you love, she doesn't know how. Maybe she was abused as a child and it warped her mind. You can forgive her because she can't help who she is. But you don't have to love her and should not expect Love from her.
If all Mom uses her phone for is to harass you, then she does not need it. I would talk to the guardian and tell her that you are blocking Mom completely. That her continuous calling/texting is effecting your mental health. That there is no way you can have any kind of relationship with her. That the guardian is welcome to keep in touch with you but you have to stop all kinds of contact with Mom. Mom is safe and cared for. Thats what you did for her. Found a solution where she is safe, warm, fed and cared for. Actually, her 20 calls a day is probably causing some anxiety for her. So, going no contact may be good for her too.
You will never move past your guilt/enmeshment if you don't take steps to understand why you still allow her behaviors to reach you. Start with reading about narcissistic mothers, their affects on their children. You seem to have a good handle on the gaslighting, manipulation, etc. so use this knowledge to start purging yourself of your emotional ties. Forget asking people like your mother to respect your boundaries; they won't and they never will. If fact, it just gives them more fodder for drama. How do you enforce a boundary? Block calls, don't listen to messages, purge them from your phone. It gets easier; I blocked my mother's calls and you know what? Nothing bad ever happened; in fact, only good came of it, for me, for the first time, in my 'relationship' with this disordered woman called 'mother'. That is how I 'took back my power'. You take it, don't ask for other people to do it for you.
The boundaries are for YOU. Set them and stop picking up the phone.
If you make contact with the guardian, make sure s/he understands that you are concerned about your mom but can have no contact with her.
You don't need to change your number to do this. Just hit "block this contact" from your phone. If she calls you from any other device, simply block that one.
Burnt says she loves her mother even as she was as bad or worse than yours is, but she has chosen to live in with her mom as a caregiver. Mom observes her boundaries because Mom still understands that this is the only way to keep Burnt in this role.
You can use a similar tactic by doing the above. A couple months of no contact followed by a letter or text that really boils down what your boundaries are. As in:
"Dear Mom. I'd like to talk with you again if you want to, too. I will listen to you about your life and situation, but I will not listen to you telling me that it was or is my fault. I will be a sympathetic ear or return texts, but I can't do this more than once or twice a day (or week, whatever your threshold is OP). Mom, if you would still like to talk, reply to this text or write a letter back. If you don't, that's OK. I'll respect your decision either way. Love XXX"
I'm also my mother's caregiver for other reasons that aren't as noble as love and compassion. Money and property. The situation is mutually beneficial to us both. If I didn't benefit from it, I wouldn't be here.
The moment dementia shows up, I am out and everyone knows it.