Hi,
I wrote about my situation last year when I was contacted about my mother because I’m her only next of kin & went no contact with her. The hospital deemed her incompetent where she lives 3,000 miles away. I stood strong saying no to being her guardian & refused to take away her phone as their solution to her calls. However, she is at the facility & stalks me with 20+ calls/ day (I block her), blaming me for her life choices, telling me she’s being starved & continued histrionics. A good friend advised I get a restraining order on her because she’s done this since I moved away @ 18, she just had different complaints. She believes my role is to serve her & is a borderline mother who can’t be pleased. I’ve tried to speak to her, but she continues to lie, manipulate & tries to convince me I’m responsible for her. I know this isn’t true but don’t know why I even care & don’t just shut her out completely? She’s been dying or threatening suicide since I was a child. She forbid me from calling her guardian but she isn’t in her right mind. She will be angry if I call to request my mother stop calling me. I save her messages to the cloud as proof of her calls because she will deny them (usually don’t listen) except I recently did because I can’t delete/save as fast as she fills my voicemail back up. I don’t want to change my number because I’ve had it for over 25 years & it’s something I’ve kept where old friends can still reach me. Basically, she lost her rights but still uses scare tactics because I’m a pushover. I did make it clear in a brief text I’m NOT responsible for her & to threaten “ they” will come find me no longer applies because she has a legal guardian and is safe. I suggested she tell her guardian if she’s going to kill herself. She literally doesn’t understand why I don’t want her in my life & I feel sorry for her despite her being a gaslighter & her willingness to do anything to hurt me if she still could. She forgets all the horrible things she’s done since I was a child, continues to do & refuses to discuss them. The bottom line is how can I take back my power by saying no more because she can’t respect my boundaries? I miss time-sensitive calls because my voice mail is full & don’t want to give her another day of my life. Should I just contact her guardian to request she leave me alone or I will have to file a restraining order? I’m sorry I wrote so much. It’s just hard because I wish I didn’t care if I hurt her feelings. I wish I could just be numb to her but it’s not my personality makeup because I’m an empathetic person. She cries we will never see each other again & I will get the call she’s dead & it will be all my fault. She said I deserve to suffer and live with the guilt I killed my mother for the rest of my life.
Anyone who may have some advice or techniques on how to deal with her would be greatly appreciated.
First of all change your number. Yes I know you say it is hard and old friends have it, but I listened to a woman complain for 16 years that she got so many wrong numbers, when it was evident within 3 days of her being assigned the number that it was one digit off the bank and had formally been a prostitutes number. If she has changed it that week, all would have been good. But she liked to have something to complain about and it also gave her an excuse to not answer her phone.
Yes it will be a pain in the butt to contact everyone. But you may find it is a nice trip down memory lane to reach out to your old friends and give them your new number. Yes, you will miss a few, but that's ok, your mental health is more important than a call from someone you have not spoken with in 20+ years.
She is not going to respect a restraining order, you know that. She feels she is in the right and nothing is going to change that. A restraining order is a piece of paper, what's going to happen if she breaks it? Nothing at all. I had to get a restraining order on someone who was threatening me with violence, the police were very clear that a piece of paper does not stop a punch, but with it and my address registered with 911, my address would be at the top of the response queue.
She can say, "I forbid you from calling my guardian." but she cannot stop you from doing so.
I have two narcissistic parents. I know the pain of just wanting to be loved for who I am and knowing it will never happen. My Dad is in hospital and seriously ill. I know he has never and will never love me. But there is a little girl inside of me who desperately clings to the dream that he loves me. I know it is not true.
It is not empathy that has you stuck. Being empathetic does not mean putting yourself in the firing line. I am sure some of the other replies, which I have not read, mention FOG, Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Narcs are fantastic at grooming their children to live in a constant state of FOG.
You say you don't want the calls. The change your number. Don't answer your phone. Screen your calls and delete them. I am glad you gave up her management to the state if you couldn't be involved, but she cannot change what she is doing while she has access to the phone.
You might consider also trying, as Burnt suggests, some limited contact. A call in the a.m. or a call every Sunday; that's what my partner came to.
Stay away orders don't control the demented. Stay away orders cannot control phones. Only you can control phones. We used to have phones with off and on switches that didn't take messages and that you didn't carry with you. Imagine THAT!
She's your mother. Yes, she treated you with cruelty and abuse your entire life and still does. Yes, she is a big time gaslighter and a martyr who made you a scapegoat to blame every problem she and the whole world ever had on.
This is my mother too. Yet they are still our mothers and some part of us will always care about our moms no matter how bad they are.
She's still your mother and it's okay to want to know that she's being looked after and taken care of. This doesn't have to mean you want to see or speak to her. She will never respect your boundaries. She will never apologize for any pain, abuse, or wrongdoing towards you. She will never even consider the possibility that even one tiny part of it could be her fault.
You already know all of this, but still want her to validate your feelings. She's not going to. My mother isn't going to either.
Give up your phone number and get a new one. Call her guardian and explain that you do not want your mother having your new phone number. Then tell them that you would like to check in with them once a week or every other week, for updates on your mother's welfare. If you want to actually speak to your mother for some reason, call her but block your number so she can't call you back. If you don't know how to do this, go to where you got your cellphone and ask someone to show you how to do this. I had to have the guy show me how to do this from where I bought my phone. No shame in asking. I pay my bill every month.
This is the way to keep a connection with your mother that you are in control of. Good luck.
In the short term, as much as it is a logistical pain, you need to change your phone number. It's the only way you're going to stop these unwanted phone calls.
In the long term, I think you need to seek some therapy, to see why you are allowing her to still have any access whatsoever to you. Why are you saving all of these messages? You say for "proof" - what sort of proof do you need at this point? You have already said you informed the hospital you wanted no contact with her, the hospital respected your decision, and the hospital has deemed her to be not competent to live alone- no small feat, by the way. It seems to me that there is no "proof" required anymore, since you don't have to "prove" anything to anyone - except maybe to yourself, which is why I think counseling would be in order here.
I hope you can find a place of peace. (((hugs)))
If you do that, she won't be able to leave messages.
Yoy have to decide that you can't deal with her anymore or she will always be able to create this push pull in you. It is okay to decide that she is to toxic, even though she has the title of mom. It doesn't give her any right to jerk you around and make you responsible for her choices and actions.
If you can't arrive there on your own, I recommend seeing a professional to help you find a way to protect yourself from her insanity.
1st step is to call that guardian and tell them she needs to stop with the phone calls, even if that means no phone. I have gone into my dads phone and changed numbers of people he would continually call, so he would get a non working number message, just one digit can do this and is hard for a broken brain to catch, maybe that would stop her calls.
You don't have to take her abuse.
On my iPhone, if I block a number then calls from it don't connect and no message can be left. So I don't understand how your mother is still able to swamp your mailbox if, as you say, you have blocked her. Do you mean you just reject her calls? - not quite the same thing.
But in general you have to take only one decisive action: stop engaging. You don't need a restraining order; you positively shouldn't attempt to enlist her guardian's support because it simply adds connections and complications; you haven't a snowflake's chance in h3ll of making her understand your point of view; and meanwhile she's 3000 miles away and can't possibly just turn up on your doorstep so if nothing else you're physically well out of her reach. Her remaining access to you is in your head, and in your hands. Do you have help from a therapist in getting control of this?