My mother has become angry. Especially with me, who makes sure she has what she needs. Any advice?

Welcome! Your profile is blank, so it’s kind of difficult to answer. Has Mom been diagnosed with dementia? Or, is she physically impaired? She has a caregiver and you? Has she always been like this or is her anger something new? We always suggest that when there is a sudden personality change for the worse, the person needs to be checked for a urinary tract infection (UTI). This is a simple “pee” test. However, dementia can cause a lot of personality changes too. If Mom is in the early stages, she knows what’s happening to her and that can make her “mean”.

You can surf this site and read what others have posted about their parents and the dementia journey. It’s a difficult journey, but if you know what to expect, it’s not as scary.

WELCOME. It's nice to see you here.

Do you know what's causing her personality change? As Ahmijoy says, I'd explore the cause with her doctor. You say that she's ok cognitively, but, is not acting right, is angry, etc. There are some conditions that affect the patient's personality and speech, before it affects their memory. I'd research it online and ask her doctor about it. I'd keep in mind that there could be a medical explanation and that she may not mean to be acting that way. I know patience is hard. It's not your fault, nor hers.

After ruling out some things, I'd ask the doctor for options, like medication that might help with her agitation or mental distress. It helped my LO quite a bit. I used to wonder what in the world was wrong with her as she seemed be very verbally aggressive and contrary to everything I did. I later discovered that it was dementia. I'm not saying that is what your mom has, but, it could be something medical.

Hang in there. Do you have someone to help you?

Welcome, Shelly! Good advice here. I agree with talking to her doctor about the symptoms to see if he might want to have her further evaluated.

Hi Shelley, my dad has done the same thing. Although I've tried to put all the choices out there and not look like I'm "taking over" he resents losing control I think. If he starts a manipulative or mean/sarcastic behavior I just say "I'll be back in just a little while." If he is in a good safe spot I just walk out and take or walk or get some space from him. We finally got to where I just do cut and dried care. He does not see all the behind the scenes care or the cleaning, med management, laundry etc nor does he have any concept our lives REVOLVE around him so sometimes just taking an emotional break is good. I realize I can't be his best buddy and daughter and maid and mother all in one. If you are in it for the long haul try to set some limits for yourself or you'll get to a point of despair.

A personality change is not normal so I don’t understand why her doctor didn’t recommend a geriatric psychiatrist or any psychiatrist. You’re saying that he tested her for dementia and she is kind of "ok". So does that mean there were no signs of dementia? Did they do a CT scan of her brain? Sometimes a brain tumor will cause personality changes. FrontoTemperal Dementia can as well. I think more investigation needs to be done. Even an certain antidepressant can calm aggressive personalities.

Did you accompany mom to the neurologist? What sorts of testing got done?

You probably need to be very assertive in talking to mom's docs about her personality change. This is NOT a normal part of aging; if they tell you it is, it's time to find a new set of doctors who will take your concerns seriously.

For us, having my mom see a geriatrics doctor and a geriatric psychiatrist was the best move possible. Geripsych insisted on a full cognitive workup which revealed the extent of my mom's cognitive loss and her inability to manage her life at home on her own.

Check out alzheimersreadingroom.com. This man cared for his mother for years...and blogged about it. Good stuff. Just a guy and his mom.

I get the brunt of my mother's anger, and it is usually because I am not supposed to be anything other than her Dummy Driver Daughter/puppet. She gets angry at other people and things occasionally.

As Rose118 wrote, it's about loss of control (for her). Her health is letting her down, so she rants and rails and takes it out on me.

I suspect my mother has the possible beginnings of vascular dementia. But my mother won't allow an MRI, and won't allow for neuropsych testing or a psych evaluation. (I think she needs some kind of anti-anxiety/antidepressant.) I'm not allowed back to the doctor's examining rooms, though, so nothing will happen. I'm pretty sure she showtimes for her doctor, and doesn't tell her how difficult it is for her to do everything and now showers just once a week (she should have someone monitoring her showers) and takes a full hour to get dressed. She doesn't tell her how lifting things, opening things is so difficult, or how she finds it very hard to fold her sheets and now will only get them changed once a month because the housecleaners told her they only need to come once a month instead of every other week.

And the doctor doesn't ask enough questions to see that my mother is losing her reasoning skills, ability to follow multistep directions, and short-term memory.

I agree with all of the other when they say this is not normal, but then again, many of us go through it so it is more normal than we would like to believe. If we put ourselves in our parents' shoes, it would be hard to admit that we could no longer care for ourselves and have to rely on our children that we have taken care of for so long. It takes a special person to give up control easily.

One other thing you may consider is the medication your mother is on. I have found that certain medications bring out the "fangs" of anger. For example, when my mother was on hydrocodone, she was hateful and almost unbearable when she was not happy. Since her meds have changes, she has been more pleasent.

No matter the cause, you should definately speak with her doctor about the changes. He should know her medical background and be able to assist you.

My Mum became “not nice” too. Occasionally she would say, “whatever would I have done without you” but those words didn’t take away the stress she caused me, and especially my beloved husband of 44 years. She never liked him because my sister got a divorce from his brother a million years earlier....Now she has died...and I don’t miss her. I’m glad for what I did for her, but the 14 years of high blood pressure she caused ME has left me with heart disease. The caregiver ends up much worse off.

Hi. You mention that Mom is “kind of” ok cognitively. While a personality is not a normal part of aging, it is very often one of the earliest signs of dementia. “Mean-ness” can come and go throughout the progression of a dementia/disease as well. A medical professional can be helpful for Mom and you. If you have access to one that specializes in geriatrics and even better yet, geriatric psychology, this is where you will get your best help. In the meantime, for your own mental health as you travel this difficult journey, surround yourself with as much support as you can. This group is a great place to start, but be careful not to let yourself become isolated from friends and family who love you and will remind you that you are indeed a good person. Bless you for your efforts with Mom. Wishing you strength and comfort along the way.

Hi! My 80 year old mother was just diagnosed with frontotemperal dementia, a CT scan was done. She spent a week in a mental hospital and came back home. I have witnessed a rapid decline in the last 6 months, in mental health, as well as, physical mobility. She is very combative, constantly berating me, name calling, refuses to take any of her medications, just all around difficult to deal with. I am an only child and we have been close, most of my life. She now says she hates me. She is paranoid about everything, says her Nest thermostat was emitting toxic fumes bc it was made in China. There is no rationalization to any of her rants. I have filed and received temporary guardianship and conservatorship of her and proceeding with making that permanent. That was a tough decision because I have always respected her independence. This is going to be one of the most difficult times, in my adult life. I’m not sure that i am going to be able to be a caregiver, for her. I don’t want to spend the last months and years of her life being verbally abused and hated. I sometimes think that a nursing home would be the best place for her. At least then when we visit, she will be glad to see us. This is like hell on earth. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Definitely get things in order legally and have a plan. This decline happened fast and totally caught me off guard!

Just keep reminding yourself that it's not personal. I know it feels like it is, but it's not.Don't argue, don't scream, and don't try to make her see the logic/ reasoning of what you're trying to get across to her, it's not going to happen! Try to diffuse any altercations before they become combative. Try to get a schedule in place for everything. It's going to take patients and plenty of it. I'm still in the process of mapping my way through my mother's maze of emotions( which changes daily). I know it's not much advice, but I hope you get something from my advice. Hang in there.

congratulations on being her person.... I find that my Mom treats me much differently than everybody else on the planet. I've come to learn (or choosing to believe) that I get the good and the bad because I am her person. She trusts me more than anybody else. I initially fought back and it did nothing but upset us both - now I let her continue so she can get it out. I can't imagine having any inclination of your physical and mental deterioration and absolutely no control over it. She has to be so scared and confused - so she can yell at me as much as she needs to. Once she is done, she has always been remorseful and apologetic and I just give her a hug and we move on.

Without you giving details I can guess she has dementia & you are the one she counts on - people with dementia can see their closest as a barrier to what they want to do & it doesn't matter that they is not able to fulfill that wish/want

Look at it from her perspective & would you want to be in her shoes right now - the frustration builds & they become mean to the one that cares for them - now is the time to educate yourself on what it all means - there are many threads on this site - look up 'TEEPA'S GEMS' & watch the videos Teepa Snow has on dementia - you'll find that knowledge will help you see beyond what is happening on the surface

I am also new to this community. I feel your pain. I have been taking care of my mother in law who is 84 for almost three years after her husband passed. Her husband did everything for her and she was always the queen and the center of attention. She never liked when anyone told her what to do and don’t tell her she is wrong. I have taken her to all the doctors to diagnose all her issues but it still rolls on my shoulders. She is up and down with her anger but it is draining. She has dementia and I am struggling to understand her daily mind swings and anger. She smokes and drinks coffee all day. I don’t allow smoking in my home so she sits on the deck most of the day. She gets up before we do which I don’t like because she does weird things like washing her clothes and pads in the bathroom sink. Than rolls them up and puts them in a corner of her closet. She will hang her underwear on the doorknob or on a hanger in the closet. She will roll the wet pads and put them in her drawer. She says she has done this all her life. That’s just a few of the things she does. When you try to talk sense she gets combative with me. She is on meds but they do nothing. I have spoken to the doctor and they just say it will get worse and there are know meds that will help. We as caregivers have to have a strong back. Especially if the rest of the family does not want to deal with them. You probably try everything possible to rationalize with her but trust me they don’t understand what you are saying. In their mind they think they are ok and it’s you that has the problem. I wish there was a miracle drug that would ease the problem. Maybe someone else has a better solution to deal with this. I am also open to any advice and help.

Give time outs - for you and her.
5-10 minutes can help(you) a lot.
Become aware - in the present - of compassion (she cannot help it if she has dementia, although time-outs may help her change in the moment although the behavior will continually repeat-from my experience).
Do not argue with her.
Tell her you understand.
Reflect back her words. Be neutral.
If you cannot leave her unattended for 5-10 minutes, practice some meditative words to sooth you, do some visualizations that bring you back to 'you' - (flowers, walking on the beach, with a/your dog or cat, any imagery that will shift you to a better place).
Important to deal with your guilt - perhaps in therapy. Guilt feels like it has a mind of its own. In a way it does - it is controlling you and it needs to be explored so you can get passed it - and you will get passed it. Be kind to yourself - it could be decades of built-up feelings all mixed up. Gena.

It could be the dementia, or depression, or anxiety. Depression can come out as mean, spiteful, or combative/argumentative. Or sad, angry and crying.

Get an appt with her doc. Get her on meds. Your life shouldn't have to be he- double toothpicks to care for her.

You will start to suffer from her treatment of you. You could end up getting sick from the stress.

She also knows at times her mind is not right. That can be very scary. They try to cover up for it by being defensive, mean, etc. So she may become prickly when asked about things. That way it becomes about an argument, and not about the thing she did. She can't help it. Don't bother to bring up she put clothes in the dishwasher. What's the point? Her mind is slipping away. They know it for a time. Then the disease takes firm hold.

Make sure you have down time away from her. So important for your sanity and health. A phone call, a lunch out, some pleasant shopping, time with family and friends. Even if it's a date nite at home with a nice meal and a dollar dvd/movie can be fun. Something to look foward to. You need to take care of you too. You still have a life, dont sacrifice all of it for caretaking. Good luck.

Yeah that's normal fir this stuff. Her short term memory is weak. So you have to do things to reduce the anger. First shift away from politics and stressfull tv. Watch pleasant shows. You need to do things together you can build on. Like nice t.v a ride sometime to visits a family member. At night it's important to get 8 hours of sleep. This is accomplished by making the room dark. And putting a timer on your remote so there's no noise while she sleeps. Your visits should be as stress free as possible. No politics no legacy topics. Meaning crap you've been arguing about for decades. Quiet also helps at night after 8 pm decrease conversation. Also taking her to see people she likes. I have basically for my mom have created a dynamic of no stress. I avoid any subject that can cause a argument. And just casually mention financial functional obligations. Like a passing subject. There can't be any lingering subjects with this disease. Example, if the bathroom light does not work and no one has fixed it for 3 years. That's a lingering subject. Avoid any subjects that can cause arguments. Also don't dump. Meaning if there's a problem with something don't drop it at her feet. Cause they will keep talking about it. Also if you have money. Buy those locators. Little things you can put on keys that will send a signal to your phone where the keys are. Also if you have money. Buy a lamp that has a timer. So that it will shut off. And she can get 8 hours sleep. Those are the major ones. Also assuring your mother visually everything is ok. That can be done best. By having a very clean house. Everything exactly where it's suppose to be.

I speak from years of experience. First of all, I know how hard it is to have someone you loved suddenly change in terms of personality and become mean, especially when you are caring for them. This is what I found works but do know that each caregiver has to know the other person, experiment what option works best, and then decide on next course of action. There simply is not one good answer. But remember this, YOU must look after yourself first, the other person has lived their life and now it is YOUR turn. Take care of yourself first so you stay o.k. and do whatever you need to do to retain your sanity and some sense of peace. Try in the beginning to be kind, gentle, steer conversation to a positive issue, etc. And this may not work and then you have to tell them in firm language they cannot get mean or nasty and make sure they hear you and understand. If still nothing gets better, then when you are ready to explode, then do so as it will ultimately save you. If you keep it inside and be nice, nice and nothing works, their behavior will destroy you. And if still nothing works and it is affecting your life and sanity, maybe it is time to distance yourself by removal to a facility or getting someone else to care for them. You owe yourself that much.

Tell the doc whats going on. There maybe anxiety, or depression medication that can alieviate it. Tell doc it's bad. Don't sugar coat it.

Tell her you will not tolerate nastiness. Give her her food etc. Then walk out of room. Ignore it. Act like you don't hear it. She wants an argument. I know it's not easy. Don't engage. "Grey rock" her. You can look that up on YouTube.

She starts yelling. You say, "Did you know there's a good movie on TCM tonight? She will be like huh, what?? You just changed gears on her.
I think they know the years are winding down, they know their mind is going. They can't get mad at themselves, so it gets turned outwards towards close family. I don't know why most can act wonderful to strangers, but act horrible to family.

Have her checked for uti's.
I wonder if the nastiness is a byproduct of personality disorders? It's just more pronounced. Does anyone know if it comes out in people who weren't problematic in younger years? Or folks with bipolar, narcissistic, borderline, historonic personality disorders? I think it would definitely come out in then.

Maybe its time to force family to help. Or hire help. She might be nice to hired help. Or take her to a independent living or nursing home. Try day care, or a carer during the day/eve. You need a break from this. It will wear you down, and your health will suffer. Good luck~

1) Try your best to not feel guilty; you and the caregiver you hired are doing your best to care for her.
2) Let the anger roll by you, tune it out and try not to resond to it.
3) Try not to let her angry outbursts rile you up or cause you guilt. You have done nothing to deserve it.
4) Try not to argue, correct or contradict, no matter what she says or thinks! Go along/agree with it.
5) If she is endangering herself in some way, attempt to redirect/refocus if possible rather than argue. 
6) Try to laugh it off (not in front of her of course!)

You said: "I hv someone to help. But mom sends her help home early! She enjoys her space."
   We hired aides to come in 1hr/day, mainly to check on her and make sure meds were taken from locked dispenser, initially 3x/week, then 5x. After a few months she refused to let them in. She'd repeat often "I'm independent, I can cook, can take care of myself." Basically it was no to everything in her mantra!

You said: "She recently had a FULL work-up. From neurology to heart & lungs, etc. In July!":
   Were you privvy to these exams?  Allowed to ask questions or provide answers? Do you have DPOA, medical directives, HIPPA? Oftentimes in the early stages, this angry behavior can be exhibited, with maybe some minimal memory loss. Very often during this initial stage the patient can perform what is known as "show-timing", meaning they muster all they can and often can "pass" these mini-mental exams or seem mostly normal to others. Only someone who sees the person often enough will see the lapses and/or outbursts. Without knowing what tests were performed and how well she actually did, you yourself do not have a complete picture. You did also say "She's kind of ok cognitively." So what exactly does that mean? Showing signs of forgetfulness? You forget where you put your keys = normal, you forget you said or asked the same thing three or more times in the last 10, 20, 30 minutes = NOT normal.

You said: "She is age 91. Her personality is declining. Anger. Toward me."
   Does this occur all day everyday or only certain times of the day? This can be a sign of sun-downing. Generally this would start later afternoon, early evening, but the time of day can vary, or sometimes be evident most of the day. Mom did not have anyone to rail at, but became OCD before bedtime, checking door lock, sidelights, dishwasher and LR over and over for 1-1.5 hours every night (we have a camera to monitor the front door and would see her do this loop over and over and over!)  If answering the questions in the paragraph above about forgetfulness with yes, and she does exhibit this not normal forgetfulness, then you are dealing most likely with dementia. The UTI can come into play as well, and even if she passed the normal test, sometimes it is wise to have a sample cultured, as there can be infection without showing on the pee test. I have tested positive at annual exam with NO symptoms at all.

Our mother was also about 91 when the first signs appeared - the signs are very subtle at this stage, but can flare up and if you are dealing with her every day, you are more likely to witness this (I was every 1-2 weeks in person, otherwise by phone, but I saw this long before my brothers did.) If you contradict or try to correct, they can become either belligerent or nasty, or sometimes in mom's case she would clam up.  

I would often get the blame for stuff someone else did. I opted out of the actual move to MC (she did NOT want to move anywhere) and stayed away for 2 weeks. Surprisingly, she has NOT blamed me for anything or been too contradictory (although I learned to go along and/or make little white lies) since. She got snippy with me a few times, sometimes wants a ride "home" or to her mother's (long gone) and has had some major late afternoon/early evening meltdowns, but the first one was UTI related, not sure about the second one, but we now have Lorazepam "as needed", so only if they can't calm her does she get meds..

...Overran the limit yet again! Motormouth (or fingers I guess!)

My younger brother was the one who was hounded about taking her back to her condo - she even once, on seeing me - said "Gee funny you showed up, when he gets here tonight I'm going to ask him to take me home", despite me standing right there in front of her she did not ask me to take her home!

So, based on what little we have to go on, I would suspect your mom is in the early stages of dementia. There are meds that can be prescribed that might help calm her down, but sometimes this can be a trial/error method. Sometimes the medication depends on the type of dementia. If they have not acknowledged it or determined what kind, that will take some more medical examination in order to best prescribe medication. Anti-anxiety meds can take the edge off, but there are warnings about balance issues (mom gets a very minimal dose) and may be contraindicated for some forms of dementia. If you do not have DPOA, would she agree to setting that up, at least if you can catch her in her better times? If so, seek out elder care atty - with it you can get docs to work with YOU and talk to YOU. If you have it, I would have a serious discussion with the doctors AND get all results in writing - those would be good to have in hand if you seek another opinion. Until you can get to the bottom of this, follow items 1-6 in my first lonnnngggg post!

Mine acts that way also. It's anger over having gotten old, I think. My mother treats everyone better than me. You aren't at fault for her suffering. Find something fun for yourself to enjoy, & be distracted from this long miserable process of theirs.

The root of anger I find. Is when you create a situation without realizing. Where she was wrong, or in the wrong. Its key to make them believe they are always right. And not only to differ. But create an environment where she is always right. Almost create a nursing home environment. Really a brain at this state. Should not be exposed to any normal for us. Social economic functional stress. For them since there brain is weak. In my opinion. Any critical environment in my opinion. Has, to be replaced by a non critical environment.

I've been living with what you shared - an angry mother focused at you. I'm trying to navigate through this situation. It's been rooted in her lifelong manipulation of me. (Because fear kept me from confronting her) and I say that in of course a kind loving way. But when i attempt to broach an emotional issue she starts a high pitched hysterical FAKE CRY. I know my mom too well, she IS NOT an emotional person. I am. Very sensitive. She has played me like a fiddle. I believe I know fear is the root. She cannot manipulate w her memory jolted. She thinks she's been hiding and I'm clueless. Nope, since 14 I saw what she was about, did not like her as a person. Awful- NO WAY. I'm waiting to like her. But her Nice To card is full. I love her, am respectful, dutiful. I'm honest in saying I don't like her much. I'm a woman of faith and to love w/o contempt can be difficult. But I keep trying.
Pperhaps it helps on a platform like this. I actually joined so I could respond to your post. Should you want to chat so to speak...well shoot I didnt even read the rules yet. Please feel free whatever way we are allowed to connect. Gee...that's not frowned upon is it?
I do wish you the best in grappling with this situation, I shall pray for you n mom 😑