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My mom lives with me but everyday she tells me she wants to go home. I’ve explained to her that she is home but as the day goes on she becomes very angry like she’s being held captive. I’ve tried redirecting her but it doesn’t work. She gets quite upset with me and I don’t know how to fix this. Please help!

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I learned all about sundowning when my 87 year old mom went to the hospital and rehab. She was home for one day in between hospital trips and was up all night and completely unmanageable. On the last rehab stint they put her on divalproex two times a day. It has helped tremendously. She is also on a mild sedative in the evening. Late afternoons and evenings still aren't her best time, she is often confused. But she is soooo muuuuch better than without that med. Before she was on it she was up all night, couldn't get out of bed, talking to dead people, just completely crazy. Right now we have found a good balance, because if she were like that I couldn't keep her at my home, she never slept. Now she still wanders a bit at night but it's so much better. Maybe talk to her doc about possibly trying something.
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Susan58 Jul 2021
Moms dr just put her on Memantine and it’s too soon to tell if it’s working. If we don’t see results soon I will ask my dr about divalproex. You give me hope. Thanks so much for taking the time to answer.
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If your mother has been diagnosed with dementia, your first step is to stop looking for reasonable, rational thought in anything.

Stop “explaining”.

It frustrates her and wastes your time. You need to stay with what she says, and provide a response that soothes her IN THE MOMENT.

“We can’t leave yet. I’m waiting for a phone call.” “They’re painting the floor. We can’t get in today”. “There’s a bad storm expected there. We have to wait until tomorrow.”

These are not lies or fibs. Instead, they are the best attempt you have to comfort her in her longing for something she remembers, but cannot return to.

It is very likely that her descent into dementia has not happened recently, but has proceeded for some time. You may want to address her anger and frustration with her medical specialist. Sometimes a mild dose of mood stabilizer or relaxing medicine or antidepressant can provide more peace to both patient AND the caregiver.

Don’t neglect yourself, if/when your mother’s care becomes more difficult. You are an important part of her care “team” and neglecting yourself is NOT making her situation better.

Hope this helps!
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Susan58 Jul 2021
Thanks so much for taking the time to help me. I have been doing exactly what I shouldn’t do! I’ve altered my responses today and it does buy me some time. What’s crazy is she can’t remember asking me the same things 212 times but she can remember answers I give her that she likes. For instance if I tell her I’m waiting on a phone call she will ask me if I received my call yet. I love my mother with all that I am but this is agonizing especially when she gets so hateful. I don’t feel like I’m doing enough to help her but also know there isn’t much I can do. Thanks again.
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Any time she declines suddenly and quickly get her checked for a UTI.
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Susan58 Jul 2021
We’ve been down the UTI road so her dr checked that out and it’s not a UTI. If only it was…. Thanks for taking time to reply. I appreciate it greatly!
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Here is an informative article from this forum's Care Topic section about Sundowning, which is what your mom is doing. It's part of dementia, a phase.

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/19/sundowners-syndrome
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Susan58 Jul 2021
Thanks so much for the information. I will definitely check it out.
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The "I want to go home" line is probably the most common line people with dementia use. It can mean different things to different people, from wanting to go back to their childhood home with mom and dad, where they felt safe and secure, to the home they lived the longest with their spouse and children. Either way it can be very frustrating for all involved, and there is no one size fits all answer.
All you can do is reassure her that this is her home now, and if need be, walk away before she starts to get angry.
Or you can use a "fiblet" and tell her that her home needs lots of work and it will be a while before it will be ready for her to live in, or whatever other story you can come up with.
One of the ladies in our local caregivers support groups husband, was driving her crazy about wanting to go home. At first she would put him in their car and drive him around for a bit, and then as they were pulling into the driveway, she would proclaim that they were home now, and he would seem to be content with that. But after a while, that no longer worked, so she had to come up with little "fiblets" about his "home."
It's wearing, I'm sure, but sadly there is no "fixing it." Just remember that people with dementia tend to mirror our moods and attitudes, so when she gets angry, make sure you're staying calm, and even keep a smile on your face(even if it's fake)as that should at least not let things escalate. Good luck.
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Susan58 Jul 2021
Thank you so much for your advice. I will try the fiblet route and see how that goes. I’ve been trying to be honest with her as she asks me 777 times about her home but that just gets her upset. I’ve been trying to read a lot so I can take better care of her but honestly she just recently got much worse really quickly. It has taken both mom and I for a loop. Thanks for your help.
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