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J: Live in their reality ESPECIALLY if it is a happy one!! Like all the positive things that you said, when you can't remember literally from one minute to the next, wouldn't you be making things up too? We all need to feel connected to something.
I am not a therapist but I did listen to the 'stories' my mother was telling me. I also watched my brothers correct her every time she said something that wasn't 'true' or accurate, and then I watched her mood deteriorate after that. They would tell her: "NO Mom, Dad isn't coming home, he died 39 years ago" Did it matter that my father WASN'T coming home? She just wanted to know if he was SAFE, since he wasn't there.
Oh... when she regressed to where she didn't recognize herself in the mirror, I removed the mirrors!! In fact I posted a 'funny story' here after I heard her asking "Who WAS that old LADY in the mirror that seems to follow her around" and I told her that was ME... she was the 'much younger one standing NEXT to her! She smiled and walked off. What good would it have served to tell her that SHE was the old lady and her life was almost over!
If your Mom is saying she was a golf pro, then get her a few books of all the 'courses' and ask her how she did on each one. Or just let HER make her own stories. CONFABULATION is a topic you can look up to understand more about this phenom. But haven't we all embelished here or there on a story? I know I have and I have also told therapeutic lies whenever necessary to keep Mom in a happy mood.
As long as the stories she is telling are positive, RUN with them. If they turn negative, that is when you have to be more creative. For example, if she is concerned about the 'children not being home from school' and wants to go look for them. Telling her that your 'aunt/uncle/trusted person' is picking them up and we have a FREE day to do what we like!
It sounds like your mother just wants to have SOME kind of memories and stories to tell that will make people want to be around her.
Also what she is exposed to on TV, radio, newspaper and even conversations you are having may contribute to her 'new reality'. My mother would react to the news negatively (who doesn't) and then want to know when "this war would be over and Dad would be home". (WWII???) I changed to the food channel and HGTV for entertainment instead of the news.
Correcting someone with Alzheimer's is pointless. Trying to keep them in the now, in THIS reality is a waste of time and has the possibility of being very damaging, in my HUMBLE opinion. Keeping them aware of things seems like a good idea, but you will see just how pointless it is. Have them use ANY skills they have is a great idea, but don't correct what they do. If they don't wash the dishes right, *(quietly put them in the dishwasher when they are not looking, or have THEM put the 'cleaned dishes' right in the dishwasher for 'storage' and then just run the machine when they are not looking. This worked like a charm for my mother. Same thing with 'laundry'.
I would be interested in hearing from others on this too but I know that there will be a 'split decision' too. What works for some (of us) may not work for others.
What is the harm of it being 1990? Lord knows I would LOVE to be 20 years younger, (and NO I don't need counseling to deal with my aging! LOL) Trying to convince her that is is 2010 is pointless, don't you think?
The 'year' would change for my mother depending on the type of day she was having. BUT, I learned to live in the year she was in. In fact to figure out what 'decade' she was experiencing, I would ask her how many children she had, or how OLD she was. This would give me a clue as to what 'year' it was.
It is easier to live in their reality than to keep trying to drag them back into 'our reality'. And since you know your mother well (I hope) you will be able to 'play along' with her so she is comfortable.
Validation therapy has proven to be most effective in dealing with Alzheimer's / dementia.
Just be sure that the place she is living in provides advanced supervision should she need it.
Mia, you bring up an interesting point that I've been wondering about - is it best to attempt to keep our elders grounded in the present day/time/reality and correct them when they say things which are blatantly untrue (to us), or is it perhaps better to simply agree with whatever comes out of their mouths and move on?
I know that previous medical thinking told caregivers to do the former...keep our loved ones in reality. I believe the logic behind that was that keeping them aware would keep them more focused (please correct me if I'm wrong here). However, that seems to have changed, and the current theory is to let them be happy and tell you whatever they wish with no corrections. I can see the logic behind both, but here's my personal opinion: Telling Mom that no, she was never a professional golfer would lead to her trying to defend herself by telling more "stories," which would lead to my trying to refute them, which would lead to frustration, anger and both parties walking away in a huff. However, just saying "Oh yes" to the professional golfer comment and moving the conversation elsewhere (or letting it die right there) would lead to......well, just another interesting visit to Fantasyland with no harm done. After all, when you're 89 years old, have no short term memory, can't remember what day it is (or care), what's the harm in reminiscing about your days on the tour? Really, who cares whether or not you were actually there?
Would be interested in hearing other opinions.....
My mother also has started making up stories to fill in the blanks for herself. Last weekend my sister took her to the beach for a few hours and when she got home she told me she had a wonderful time. The next day she confessed to me that my sister wasn't watching her and she went into the water and got swept out to sea, thankfully the life guards got to her before it was too late. Well it took everything I had not to crack up laughing because I knew this was a complete fabrication, I think she was trying to make me understand that I am the one that is suppose to take care of her. She lives with me and every 2 weeks maybe one of my siblings will take her for a few hours and she gets very nervous when I am not around. Anyway I agree that you should just let them live their lives in whatever little world they want, as long as they are safe.
My brother-in-law is currently in Africa on business. His mom, the mother-in-law I help take care of, called his wife the other day to chat. She told my sis-in-law that she had taken Spanish in school as a girl (she's 86) and that the school had offered African, but it was too hard so she decided not to take it. I laughed so hard I nearly had an accident. Talk about changing the stories from the past!!
My mother-in-law has lost all touch with keeping tabs on the date/time/year etc. She has the beginning of dementia and it's the short term memory that is gone. She never knows what day of the week it is anymore, I just get used to answering her when she asks. No big deal anymore.
let her talk and accept what she says. I found it makes things run smoother, and we get along better. by telling her different it only confuses her and brings on anxiety.
Changes in perception of time and space are not always Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia. Search the web for "gerotranscendence." This is an advanced stage of adult development that often occurs in the very old. Gerotranscendent consciousness was discovered by Swedish gerontologist Lars Tornstam. It is very different from the consciousness of mid-life or younger adults. We can't judge the very old by our standards. What might seem funny and strange may actually be very advanced.
actually she is have early stage iof demetia not alz yet but it i were you i would have her check out to see how far her dementia has progress there are 5 stages
Place a nice big calendar in a prominent place for all to view everyday. Each block should be large enough to write comments or plans, not just appointments.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I am not a therapist but I did listen to the 'stories' my mother was telling me. I also watched my brothers correct her every time she said something that wasn't 'true' or accurate, and then I watched her mood deteriorate after that. They would tell her: "NO Mom, Dad isn't coming home, he died 39 years ago" Did it matter that my father WASN'T coming home? She just wanted to know if he was SAFE, since he wasn't there.
Oh... when she regressed to where she didn't recognize herself in the mirror, I removed the mirrors!! In fact I posted a 'funny story' here after I heard her asking "Who WAS that old LADY in the mirror that seems to follow her around" and I told her that was ME... she was the 'much younger one standing NEXT to her! She smiled and walked off. What good would it have served to tell her that SHE was the old lady and her life was almost over!
If your Mom is saying she was a golf pro, then get her a few books of all the 'courses' and ask her how she did on each one. Or just let HER make her own stories. CONFABULATION is a topic you can look up to understand more about this phenom. But haven't we all embelished here or there on a story? I know I have and I have also told therapeutic lies whenever necessary to keep Mom in a happy mood.
As long as the stories she is telling are positive, RUN with them. If they turn negative, that is when you have to be more creative. For example, if she is concerned about the 'children not being home from school' and wants to go look for them. Telling her that your 'aunt/uncle/trusted person' is picking them up and we have a FREE day to do what we like!
It sounds like your mother just wants to have SOME kind of memories and stories to tell that will make people want to be around her.
Also what she is exposed to on TV, radio, newspaper and even conversations you are having may contribute to her 'new reality'. My mother would react to the news negatively (who doesn't) and then want to know when "this war would be over and Dad would be home". (WWII???) I changed to the food channel and HGTV for entertainment instead of the news.
Correcting someone with Alzheimer's is pointless. Trying to keep them in the now, in THIS reality is a waste of time and has the possibility of being very damaging, in my HUMBLE opinion. Keeping them aware of things seems like a good idea, but you will see just how pointless it is. Have them use ANY skills they have is a great idea, but don't correct what they do. If they don't wash the dishes right, *(quietly put them in the dishwasher when they are not looking, or have THEM put the 'cleaned dishes' right in the dishwasher for 'storage' and then just run the machine when they are not looking. This worked like a charm for my mother. Same thing with 'laundry'.
I would be interested in hearing from others on this too but I know that there will be a 'split decision' too. What works for some (of us) may not work for others.
The 'year' would change for my mother depending on the type of day she was having. BUT, I learned to live in the year she was in. In fact to figure out what 'decade' she was experiencing, I would ask her how many children she had, or how OLD she was. This would give me a clue as to what 'year' it was.
It is easier to live in their reality than to keep trying to drag them back into 'our reality'. And since you know your mother well (I hope) you will be able to 'play along' with her so she is comfortable.
Validation therapy has proven to be most effective in dealing with Alzheimer's / dementia.
Just be sure that the place she is living in provides advanced supervision should she need it.
I know that previous medical thinking told caregivers to do the former...keep our loved ones in reality. I believe the logic behind that was that keeping them aware would keep them more focused (please correct me if I'm wrong here). However, that seems to have changed, and the current theory is to let them be happy and tell you whatever they wish with no corrections. I can see the logic behind both, but here's my personal opinion: Telling Mom that no, she was never a professional golfer would lead to her trying to defend herself by telling more "stories," which would lead to my trying to refute them, which would lead to frustration, anger and both parties walking away in a huff. However, just saying "Oh yes" to the professional golfer comment and moving the conversation elsewhere (or letting it die right there) would lead to......well, just another interesting visit to Fantasyland with no harm done. After all, when you're 89 years old, have no short term memory, can't remember what day it is (or care), what's the harm in reminiscing about your days on the tour? Really, who cares whether or not you were actually there?
Would be interested in hearing other opinions.....
Carol
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