2 yrs ago we bought a house together with my mother. We did this because I was worried about her health & finances. The agreement was that we would split bills 3 ways. She has a whole large apartment downstairs & we live upstairs. Everything was fine until 6 mths later she just stopped talking to us, this continued for 6 wks... we finally talked via a family member & we were okay. Now, right after Thanksgiving, she has stopped talking to us again. She is an angry person. She yelled @ me, said some very hurtful things & I'm sure she was ready to hit me but changed her mind. My kids have tried to talk to her but nothing has changed. We don't even know why she stopped talking. She told me that I was cheap but other than that I don't understand. I don't even know what that means. I believe that she is jealous of us & what we have but not sure. She is 84 yrs old. She doesn't get along with a lot of ppl, doesn't talk to her sister, her son, her granddaughter, & didn't talk to her father. She alienates anyone who is close to her. Yrs ago she didn't talk to any of us for 7 yrs, so this isn't something new. I don't know what to do, who to talk to. I have called her Dr with my concerns but due to privacy issues they can't say anything, I just what her to be aware of issues I have concerns with. I have also gone to counselling because I am so stressed by all of this. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking of dealing with my mother.
If you don't have PoA and she is resistant, I would have that other family member try to take her to the doc and do the secret note thing. While there I highly recommend trying to get her to sign this relative as an authorized representative on the doctor's Medical Information Release form (HIPPA). This way someone will be able to receive and give info to her doc. If at all possible, have this relative try to get her to designate them as durable PoA. Whatever can be done will help.
If she has mental illness or dementia and resists everyone, you may need to pursue guardianship to have any control over what happens with her. You could call your county's social services and speak with a social worker for advice and they could come in for an assessment of her, if she lets them. I'm so sorry -- you were doing something caring and noble and this is what it turned into. Ugh. Wishing you wisdom and solutions!
You say this isn’t new behavior so I know that you aren’t taken aback by her behavior. Obviously, it still hurts.
I looked at your profile and you say that she has ALZ so maybe some of it is related to that. I can’t speak much to that issue as I have only known a couple of people who have had dementia. Others here have plenty of experience and will be able to help you, so please stick around for their advice.
Best wishes to you and your family.
“She alienates anyone who is close to her”. Her previous behavior won’t get better because you are nice to her or are helpful or are trying to make her life easier.
If she is able to live somewhat independently where she is, give her as much space as you can. If not, see what’s available in assisted living in your community.
Are you feeling stressed because you want her to be nicer to you than she was in the past?
I would never consider co-mingling funds or assets, this has opened Pandora's Box, under these circumstances you have set yourself up for a life sentence with her as she co-owns the home.
What is your plan when you can no longer care for her? Does she have funds to go into AL or MC? If she will need Medicaid in the future the home will become an issue.
My mother is 94, your mother could live another 10 years too, if your so stressed now, there is no way that you will be able to cope in the future as she will only continue to get worse. She doesn't hate you..she hates herself...you are just her punching bag!
Not talking to you seems normal for your Mom.
Fretting over it, becoming over solicitous of her gives her the power to treat you poorly.
What if you did nothing, and did not talk to her? Maybe that will relax the strained relations and tensions. There cannot be a war if no one shows up for it.
If she needs care, send someone over (to the downstairs apartment).
Like a professional caregiver.
Hoping there are separate entrances.
I think you can tolerate, and even enjoy the silence. Don't even bother to draw her out and receive her anger. Don't bother to send emissaries (your children) to smooth things over. She can ask for help when the time comes.
Respect her boundaries by not allowing yourself to be manipulated by her anger.
Sometimes, we have to wait for them to take a nasty fall or to get an illness like pneumonia and be hospitalized, then sent off to rehab to recuperate. Then rehab will not release them back home, so they have NO other choice but to go into Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing. That's how you get your mother out of your home and how you take your life back, if you're unable or unwilling to ask her to leave on your own.
If you're not interested in waiting for a catastrophe to strike, then consider making alternate arrangements NOW to get mother OUT of your house and into a place of her own. I don't know how things work in Canada, but consult an Elder Care Attorney to see what your options are. Even if you decide to do nothing, you'll have OPTIONS and that can make you feel better and not so trapped,.
There is nothing worse than feeling like you're walking on eggshells in your own home. I grew up like that, always worried about my mother's mood and what it might be at any given time, or what I might do to set her off. It's the stuff that stomach aches & ulcers are made of. I actually wound up marrying a man like that and divorced him eventually. I flat out refused to take my mother into my home, for obvious reasons, and so, she's been living in Assisted Living and now Memory Care since 2014. Best decision I ever made. That and marrying the man I've been married to for the past 10 years who allows me to be ME and doesn't hold me emotionally hostage with his moods.
Wishing you all the best as you decide how to move forward with your life.
As long as she is eating, drinking, keeping herself and apt clean, let it go for now. You know she is safe. If she starts ranting, just keep quiet and let her go. Maybe u will find out something.
She moved the Cuckoo Clock right next to where I sleep and has it going off every 30 minutes 24/7.
She turns the heat up in the house to 78 when it’s only 69 outside.
If I step outside she locks the doors.
The list goes on and on and on.
I just let her badmouth me to the family and stay distant from them since I’m apparently the bad guy.
I’m losing my sanity and can’t wait to move out and just forgive and forget.
That would help you cope knowing that time is short because as of...you will be getting your own place and you will not be subjected to their ugliness any longer.
I would probably be bugged that your laundry leak was not properly fixed and here it is causing a mess for me to clean, again.
You need to let it go with trying to have any relationship, because it is making you sick and it is not new behavior. I am sorry that you don't have a loving mom, be thankful that she can care for herself and go live your life. Working towards that goal can help her silence be a blessing to you.
If you can not let go of the situation, perhaps a little therapy could be helpful for you.