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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Actually, this is pretty common in the elderly, they find a favorite, comfortable outfit and just about live in it. Try to find an identical set of clothes so she can switch off during laundry.
This is a big challenge for me with my mom as well. She doesn't care about bathing or having her clothes washed. Very frustrating. So I pick my battleS but I guess this is very common
I have started to have some issues with my mom abut clothes. I take her shopping ( really difficult because she can't remember what she already tried on), and then she wears the same old stuff. She keeps saying that she can't go out in winter because she doesn't have warm clothes--but she does: boots, sweater, jacket.
One way to stop this would be to just put the new clothes in the closet when she is not in her room and then slowly remove the old ones. If her memory is as bad as my mom's, she won't notice. Also, keep the number of clothes down. My mom had pile of stuff she didn't need, most of which is now in my garage.
My mother is like that too. She will only wear blouses, slacks and a blazer, only black and brown or blue. (nothing pullover, no sweaters, no casual - thanks Mom - I just love to iron your clothes when I don't even iron my own!) And she would wear the same thing for a week, filthy. She won't wear any of the new clothes we give her. Once a week I removed all her dirty ragged clothes, made her take off what she had on, saying I would take it home and wash it. Of course she would protest, but I insisted and rotated her blazers or she would wear one until it fell apart. Bathing was a thing of the past also. I would never eat or drink out of her apartment, used rubber gloves to empty waste baskets, etc. She was becoming filthy and didn't care. We put her in AL two weeks ago and they are still working on her to take a shower! She flatly refuses.
Re: the clothes and bathing issues: During the morning,I have prepared written notes such as: "I promise to let you help me into the shower today. signed______" or, "I must remove all my clothes before putting on my pajamas at night. I promise not to fight or complain. signed_______", or "You are taking me today to get my nails done {or haircut}.signed________ ". My wife then readily signs her name. I present these notes to her (and helps her read them) when the even occurs. This continues to work favorably. Not a clue why, but it works.
I am 84 years old and still take care of myself. I can relate completely to this issue. I've gotten so I wear the same clothes every day for 5 or 6 days in a row. I hate taking showers and especially washing my hair. Fortunately, I don't go out much so I rarely get dirty. Sometimes I stay in my pajamas all day long, so for the most part my clothes do no get soiled. And I don't perspire.. I think the main reason is it just takes so much effort, even to put on socks, especially after a bath when my skin is damp or has a lot of moisturizer on it. I find bathing and washing my hair exhausting, so I guess I just try to avoid it.
nhinchliff, thank you for that elder perspective on this issue. I can totally relate to the way you feel, and do not always get dressed too. Too many showers does tend to dry out the skin and those needing help often are not allowed (quite rightly from the caregivers point of view) to have the water as hot as they prefer. Like you I really hate washing my hair, it really dries it out and the static makes it stand on end if I wash it more than twice a week. Congratulations on remaining independent
I try to keep my Mom's closet minimal also, we only have 1 type if jeans and 1 type of shorts. plenty of warm tops. She can only wear crew neck summer shirts because nothing else stays on her shoulders and I can not do straps. Kmart online has elastic waist shorts that I replace as needed no buttons or ties here she just can not work them and walks very slow so no time to waste in the bathroom messing with that.
I can sure sympathize on this one. Mom has 'her' clothes that she has had for at *least* 20 years. Won't accept anything else. If she rejects a piece of clothing, I just take it to a charity organization (after washing it thoroughly). About the showering issue: I wonder if part of the problem, beside it being fatiguing, noisy, and a dramatic sensory experience, is if the room is cold and they get chilled?
Everyone's responses have been helpful and I've been going through the same thing with my mom. She never bathes. And the only way I used to be able to wash her hair was when I would color it. She would go along with that for several years but then she started protesting it and is working her way to being all grey. Her hair smells and I kept bugging her to let me wash it and she kept putting it off. I finally got her in yesterday (nearly broke my back leaning over the tub) but got it washed. Like our 84 year old friend above, she says she's too tired and doesn't want to be bothered. In the end, she never even remembered the whole fiasco. I also got to cut her hair too. I might try the dry shampoo spray till I can get her to wash it again. As for the clothes, I agree, the best bet from my experience is to buy new things that are similar/identical to what they were wearing. I had bought the same style of top in different colors thinking she'd wear them, but she kept putting on the nasty light purple top. I finally found a replacement and tossed the old one. I think that's the only solution since I'm not there to pick out her clothes every day.
I know I'll be back on here reaching out to everyone when my dad passes and how I can effectively get her into assisted living. I know she will refuse but she can't be on her own and won't allow any help so I think moving her closer to me at that time would be best- it will all be disruptive no matter how you slice it.
My late Mom was picky too. No collars, nothing itchy, no stripes, must have pockets etc. Pink preferred. I began to shop at Thrift Shops. Lot of variety, with her requirements, at minimal expense. Look for big buttons, but not too big!, Pull on pants are a must. Fold them nicely, use tissue paper and place them in a 'fancy' paper shopping bag.
I have this problem with my 71 year old husband. He hasen't bathed in ages and wears the same clothes not for days but months, changing his shirt only if we have to go to a doctor's appt. He won't let me wash his hair but maybe every 2 months. He does shave about once a month and sleeps in his clothes. He sleeps in a recliner due to his breathing problem.He is with it and says it makes him " cold" to change his clothes, wash or wash his hair. He has COPD and a heart problem so is pretty debilitated. I don't know what to do with him and if I try to push the issue he gets mad or says to me, "why do you care"?
My Mom is also content in staying in the same clothes for days on end. She can no longer pick out clothes for herself or dress herself properly. I've learned that I have to "catch the wave" i.e. when she is in a good mood and amenable, I"ll say something like "Hey Mom, you asked me to help you with a bath, is now a good time?" That sometimes works and allows me to change her clothes. She really hates the bath and having her hair washed. What I found interesting, though, is that when I take her to get her hair cut, she does not give the hairdresser a hard time for washing her hair. It's almost worth it to pay the hairdresser a few dollars to take her in once or twice a week for a hair wash.
Peggy I am afraid you just have to let him get mad once a week. I can totally understand his reluctance but it is just too tiring for him to manage. get the bathroom really warm so you need a Tshirt. Get the fresh clothes all warmed up in the bathroom and two bath sheets. You need a shower chair in the shower again warmed with the hot water. get him in there however you can and help him undress. Wrap him in one of the warm towels and onto the seat. keep the towel around his shoulders and have him lean forward while you wash his hair. Give him a washcloth to keep the water our of his eyes. Wash and dry the top half still sitting. Wash his legs then have hinm stnd up and deal with the private parts. You are his wife so there is no privacy problem. Use a flexible shower head do not expect him to stand under a wall shower. You can buy one and easily swap it out with the fixed head. Put the other towell on a chair or the toilet and assist him onto that and wrap the second towel round his legs. Carry on drying and dressing him from there. pull over the head clothes,Ts sweats or sweater and hoodies that open down the front. As far as the shaving is concerned. try getting him an electric razer that he can use in his chair or just let him grow a beard. tell him you care becuse you love him and want him to feel comfortable. It sounds as though he has reached the stage where it is physicaly just too much effort for him to manage this alone. If you can make it as pleasant and comfortable as possible and you might find he actually volunteers. next time you see his Dr ask about getting an aide in a couple of times a week if your efforts don't work. Make sure hubby has had all his morning meds at least an hour before shower and if he has inhalers have him use them half an hour prior. let him have plenty of time to relax and nap before the next meal. I realize you think he should be making the effort and still doing things for himself but there does come a time when you really have to take over and continue to encourage him. Taking a shower really is a big deal for someone as debilitaed as he is.
Veronica, thank you so much for all the good advice and encouragement. I do have a shower chair and a removable shower head so I am half way there. When he is willing to change his shirt I put it in the dryer beforehand. I have a hairdresser come to the house about every 2 months to cut our hair but he did not want her to cut his this time as he said the shorter hair would make him cold.
Actually, when I had to live with my mother out of state (yes I had a life but had to give that up) I would go through the same thing with her about the changing of clothes. She could not bathe properly and her garments quite literally stunk! She had lost (among other things) the olfactory sense. She wanted to help me out with less laundry to do, but I could not get near her for the odor!
Also my mom would want to wear some old rag of a garment when she had brand new clothes that I bought her! And the mismatching thing about drove me crazy.
Rhinchliff, you really DO need to bathe regularly. Your skin is the largest organ on your body and needs to be kept clean, else infection could set in.
The hair smelling thing-oh yes, my aunt's hair would stink because she only got it "done" once a week at a beauty salon. Then she would get mad at me for washing my hair daily. My mom's hair (her sister) would also start to have an odor as well as her teeth because she couldn't brush properly
Llamalover47, funny thing about my mother. She won't bathe, wears filthy clothes and is a slob, leaves urine soaked pants all over, BUT she NEVER misses her hair appointment and always puts on makeup!
To nhinchliff.....I am not 84 and I love to stay in my pajamas some days too especially when the weather is so bad! :)) Unfortunately for my mom, she would not wear anything new she bought or we would buy together. She would love it at the time and then say where would this come from and try to give it to my sister or a neighbor. After she went to her facility they could get her to shower and change clothes(one of her favorites of course). They are very good at what they do and plus it wasn't me or my dad "telling" her she hadn't showered. She would get mad and say "of course she had!" After she got to the point of not caring or knowing it's much easier of course. This is an FYI for all of you getting to the point of taking your loved one to a facility......clothes get thrown into hot water and shrink dried (they do the best they can) and not ironed. So clothes don't hold up very well. My suggestion would be to buy if possible 2 of each things and keep the closet to a minimum as suggested in above blogs. Also if possible, do the laundry. I made the mistake of letting them do it for way too long and some of her better things are now in trash or donated. Good Luck and God Bless
Much of the adaptive clothing has greatly improved lately now manufacturer have seen the need. There are plenty of wrap around clothes with velcro cloures and no need to wear hospital type gowns with your butt hanging out.
My father is 87 and lives in an assisted living memory care place. He too does not like to change clothes or take showers. He will insist on taking his dirty clothes out of the hamper and put them back on. The staff has to hide his dirty laundy so he won't wear it. My father doesn't care if he has stains on his clothes, or if his hair is uncombed, which is the complete opposite of what he used to be before his dementia. I feel this is a part of the dementia and it's something we have to accept rather than try to change. As much as it bothers us.
AmyGrace: that is a sad state of affairs-your mom puts makeup on dirty skin! I honesty don't know how the stylists at the hair salon can stand the stench!
To Llamalover47: I did not say I didn't shower every day, I said " I hate taking showers and especially washing my hair. I think the main reason is it just takes so much effort, even to put on socks, especially after a bath when my skin is damp or has a lot of moisturizer on it. That doesn't mean I don't do it.
I have beautiful skin, a result of very good genes, and I take excellent care of it, especially my face. People say I look at least 20 years younger than I am. Look at my profile pic. I was 79 there.
I also take offense with what you said to AmyGrace about her mom at the beauty salon ("...the stench!) That was inppropriate.
When my mother was still living at home she wouldn't remember to shower or wash her hair. The only time I got her to hair salon is to tell her she had an appt. that SHE had made and she sure didn't want to stand them up. She would go then. Since she wouldn't wash her hair between visits, all she would do is put hair spray on it. And on it. And on it. Finally the hairdresser told me she couldn't wash it out and that it would have to be cut. I told her to go ahead and do what she had to do to get all the gummy hairspray and odor out. Bless their hearts, they just don't know what they are doing or not doing. If we can just keep one step ahead of them and help them through their journey it makes it a lot easier on us and them. I tried to anticipate my mom's reasoning on something and come up with a plan. Not always easy but it helped quite a bit. And sometimes I had to let it go. Just like with my grandsons.....pick my battles.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
One way to stop this would be to just put the new clothes in the closet when she is not in her room and then slowly remove the old ones. If her memory is as bad as my mom's, she won't notice. Also, keep the number of clothes down. My mom had pile of stuff she didn't need, most of which is now in my garage.
I know I'll be back on here reaching out to everyone when my dad passes and how I can effectively get her into assisted living. I know she will refuse but she can't be on her own and won't allow any help so I think moving her closer to me at that time would be best- it will all be disruptive no matter how you slice it.
get the bathroom really warm so you need a Tshirt. Get the fresh clothes all warmed up in the bathroom and two bath sheets. You need a shower chair in the shower again warmed with the hot water. get him in there however you can and help him undress. Wrap him in one of the warm towels and onto the seat. keep the towel around his shoulders and have him lean forward while you wash his hair. Give him a washcloth to keep the water our of his eyes. Wash and dry the top half still sitting. Wash his legs then have hinm stnd up and deal with the private parts. You are his wife so there is no privacy problem.
Use a flexible shower head do not expect him to stand under a wall shower. You can buy one and easily swap it out with the fixed head. Put the other towell on a chair or the toilet and assist him onto that and wrap the second towel round his legs. Carry on drying and dressing him from there. pull over the head clothes,Ts sweats or sweater and hoodies that open down the front. As far as the shaving is concerned. try getting him an electric razer that he can use in his chair or just let him grow a beard. tell him you care becuse you love him and want him to feel comfortable. It sounds as though he has reached the stage where it is physicaly just too much effort for him to manage this alone. If you can make it as pleasant and comfortable as possible and you might find he actually volunteers. next time you see his Dr ask about getting an aide in a couple of times a week if your efforts don't work.
Make sure hubby has had all his morning meds at least an hour before shower and if he has inhalers have him use them half an hour prior. let him have plenty of time to relax and nap before the next meal.
I realize you think he should be making the effort and still doing things for himself but there does come a time when you really have to take over and continue to encourage him. Taking a shower really is a big deal for someone as debilitaed as he is.
I have beautiful skin, a result of very good genes, and I take excellent care of it, especially my face. People say I look at least 20 years younger than I am. Look at my profile pic. I was 79 there.
I also take offense with what you said to AmyGrace about her mom at the beauty salon ("...the stench!) That was inppropriate.