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Oh, and BTW, I agree about taking her into your home. It is difficult when they are cooperative. I struggle with that, thinking I should bring mom to my home, especially since no one else talks to her. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.
I do have a problem understanding how the other siblings always remember the bad times and conveniently forget the good. Mom has always been a handful, but as long as the money kept coming they put up with it. As soon as she cut them off, (or when I took control because there would not be enough left for her care if I didn't) all of a sudden they can't forgive her for things that happened 30 years ago. It's pathetic.
Gsw- Good for you. We got serious about other options after the holidays. MIL moved last weekend. It is amazing the immediate reduction in stress. I know I felt guilty and obligated to take MIL in. There was not a financial reason, she just announced she was moving in. I think in her head, she was going to manage our home for us. She had some very specific demands almost immediately, and was unwaivering in her insistence we do things her way. To anyone considering this, I would say to first consider all the alternatives. Make absolutely sure you and your spouse are on the same page. It seems a common theme here that sometimes elderly parents get it in their heads they just want to live with their adult child, and not the spouse and/or grandchildren. MIL was definately like that, and our son picked up on it. It is miserable to not feel welcome in your own home. If they do come to live, make sure all expectations are out in the open. If this is a temporary solution, make sure they understand that. Of course, that is hard if dementia is involved. But make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. Openly discuss what you will and wil not do. Are you willing to quit your job tocare for someone 24/7? Are you willing to change diapers and bathe them? You need to be honest with yourself and your spouse. This is a major life change, and very stressful.
Anonymous has an excellent answer and fits me to a tee. If there is any other alternative, please don't take your Mom. MIL or anyone else in. It is a horrible mistake if you have the issues Anonymous mentioned and I did/do. My life is miserable and my husband and I have no privacy. Please give it much thought and consideration. I am in the process of seeing if I can find a place for her to go.
(((((((actionspot))))))) I certainly can relate. I am down to about once or twice a year too with my mother, and that may be too much. My mother was delighted when my marriage broke up, and she moved closer to me, hoping to have me at her beck and call. I could not allow that though I visited regularly, and helped her in many ways. I certainly understand your feelings "I have moments when I think I should just be a big enough person to let it go and try to be there for her now, but I just can't." I can't any more either. My mother is 100 and in pretty good health. I am 75 and struggling with a couple if health issues and I cannot allow her to drag me down any more. This could go on another 10 years. I need some peace in my life. I think you are right about your mil being happy if your husband left you and the girls. My mother tried to divide me and my sig other around Christmas, amid a crisis she created. I drew some very firm boundaries which reduced the contact I have with her. I am at the point where for self preservation I am about done, too. I have POA, though she still manages her affairs. If there is more nonsense, I am dropping that - my sis, who plays these nasty narcissistic games too, is my POA back up, and she can have it. More ((((((hugs)))))) Look after you and yours. Joan
My Wits End and Cmagnum, I appreciate your feedback. It has been tough over the years experiencing the type of relationship we have had with MIL, especially when my daughters became aware of how uninterested, critical and eventually absent their own grandmother was from their lives. My heart broke for them, but I must admit, after dealing with her for as long as we did, I was happy to finally just quit inviting her into our home. My girls now never even mention her~ my husband make an obligatory visit to her home once or twice a year, which is invariably followed by a nasty letter from her a couple of weeks later telling us all how awful we are. At least some of you can relate-so I don't feel quite so alone in this. It's just that at times, I have moments when I think I should just be a big enough person to let it go and try to be there for her now, but I just can't. She has been so vicious over the years-bad mouthed all of us many times over, and I honestly believe she would have been happiest if my husband had divorced me and left our girls. Hard to fathom I know, but it is what it is. For self preservation, I think we just need to be done!
Actionspot, my MIL sounds like that too for she constantly finds fault with my BIL and says things behind my back. She would love it if each of us were out of the picture so that she could have her daughters all to herself. My grandmother was this way for she wanted my mom to leave my step-dad and come home and take care of her in her old age.
If she is mobile, you may be able to pay privately when you are not home. I took care of my mom in our home for 10 years and four years while we moved her in an apt. she did not want assisted living so we were the ones helping her. I do not regret it . She appreciated and thanked my family daily. we had many precious memories and she deserved the wonderful care that we provided but there were many challenges. Other sibs did not want to help very much and there were many sleepless nights and messes to clean but I know in my heart that I did my best until she needed two people to care for her and my back is not strong enough plus I work outside the home . I know once you bring a family member in the home then they do not qualify for much because the entire family income is taken into account but the same member can get med assistance if they are in the nursing home. I think you should be able to get help at home also and laws will have to change. If she does go in the nursing home, visit often, play music, play games, bring food from home , have family parties, hug and kiss her, buy her nice clothes, get her hair done, make calls to family members on your cell phone so she could speak to them, we did skye the other day with my dai\ughter who is in another state and she really enjoyed that and we all sang together. you need a family meeting. you can try it and see what happens-it all depends how big your home is and how much care she needs. Good Luck
Actionspot- what is with these women? My MIL is exactly the same. She has been an abysmal grandmother. I was upset one day and promised two of my children I would be a better grandmother some day. One said, well she has set the bar pretty low. The other chimed in that one hug would put me over. Isn't it sad they have chosen to live their lives this way? After all the really nasty things I have seen her do and say, I really have very little compassion for her. You're right- it is a very good example of how not to live your life.
MyWits End and Emjo, thank you so much for the time you took to comment. I do know that to let her move in would be a big mistake. She finds fault with my husband continually, never has a positive thing to say. If we do something for her, it isn't enough, so we stopped doing much for her, and she complains about that. Years ago, as a young mother, she compared our beautiful daughters to the kids of her friends, telling us how much more talented, beautiful and well behaved the other children were. She has hurt me more times than I can even count, and so now, I just have to stay away. Unfortunately for her, my husband and his sister also avoid her negativity, and so now, she is alone. At least she has shown me what NOT to do when my girls eventually get married. I will not repeat her mistakes!
@actionspot - you have described my mother, and I decided years ago I would never have her live with me. I even ended up refusing to have her, and my sis (similar problems) visit me because of the troubles. Since then my mother has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, which explains a lot. I think that narcissism and personality disorders are underdiagnosed. My mother has alienated me and her grandchildren and other relatives and friends. She uses FOG - fear, guilt and obligation to manipulate people. My sis stays close to her hoping to inherit everything. I have felt guilty at times, but less and less as I see the effect of the stress that she creates has on me. As I get older, I have to protect myself from it more and more, as my health has been affected. I am a compassionate person too, and have had to learn to be compassionate towards myself, which means being very firm about detaching and maintaining distance from my mother and my sister. (((((hugs))))) to you and others dealing with this problem,
Actionspot-Do NOT feel guilty. I could say the exact same thing about my MIL. She has always been mean and nasty. To some of her children and all of her grandchildren she has a long history of hateful and hurtful behavior. When FIL passed away last year, she was not doing well. She called one night and told my husband, did not ask, that she was moving in with us. She lived several states away. My college aged daughter heard the conversation, and went to find me. She said she had some very bad news. She looked so serious I thought maybe she was quitting school. She told me that she had overheard Dad on the phone and that grandma was moving in with us. She said, "Mom, you cannot let this happen." I should have listened to her. I felt bad, and gave in. It has been a six month nightmare. It was unfair to our son still at home as he has felt he had to hide in his own home. She has been very mean to him. I have been fearing my husband was going to have a stroke or heart attack from all the stress he has been under. Literally, everyday has been constant complaining and ridiculous demands. Today, she moved in to her own place. She needs assistance and I don't think this is necessarily the best option for her. But, she rejected everything else. If I had to do it again, I would have never let her move in.
Hello. A couple of suggestions first...if she is low on funds and on limited income she could perhaps Qualify for ssi. Also would qualify for food assistance. Also perhaps get Help with Medicare cost and also part d. if an option is to stay by herself, there are low income housing for seniors. Some of this is referred to section 8 housing. In most places it is no more than 30% of Income and is on a sliding fee, so it could Be lower. Contact your local housing authority For details. I would suggest tho that she Would get a medic alert. She could also enter an assisted living center If needed. You could perhaps get medicade Assistance..since things are different from state talk to a local facility, they could give You cost figures and how to apply.
You could also offer her a home at your place. There are many issues involved. If you have the room and everyone is In agreement you could try. You could Discuss this with grandma and your family And maybe doing this as a stop gap measure. the key is to look at ALL options. It is not A sin to ask questions or ask for help. Good luck on your journey.
applesed1, sorry to hear about your dad. Since you don't have POA for your mother, then your only option is to file for guardianship. It sounds like there are some boundary issues going on to make your husband want to walk out and leave. Is your mother's dementia possibly at the level that she really needs to be in a nursing home. If so, that would some peace to your family.
Trust me, you need to look into other options. My mom is living with my brother and I; we share her a few months at a time. My dad passed away in June. She has dementia, we do not have power of attorney and are at a loss as to what to do next. It is tearing my family apart. My husband, who is a saint, of 27 years wanted to walk out and leave a few weeks ago, but luckily, he just went for a walk. He usually has the patience of a saint, but this has been taxing on all of us.
I am usually a very compassionate person, however, I know we could never have my MIL living in our home. She has always been very critical, judgemental, demanding and entitled, and I know her presence would adversely affect my marriage. Though at times I feel guilty--as she is in her 80's and living alone, this woman has been so hard on both of her grown children, and has created this situation herself. Does anyone else feel the same?
Even if your MIL is the nicest person in the world, you need to think long and hard and do a whole lot of research. Bringing her into your home will change everything. I thought about bringing Mom here but quickly decided against it. We've never gotten along, she's verbally abusive, she'd expect to be waited on hand and foot, she would never contribute financially and I'd have a nervous breakdown the first week. I'd as soon get a second job to pay for to live any place other than we me and my husband. The best of luck to you and your family.
I agree. She should apply for medicaid. Is she on Medicare?
There are at least four questions to consider before saying yes to her coming to live with ya'll.
First, what are her mental and physical health issues? Are those issues which you can reasonably deal with without damaging yourself, your marriage and your family?
Second, what is your spouse's relationship with your MIL?
Some mothers were intrusive in their daughter's and or son's lives as children and some adult children of such mothers don't even realize they are victims, much less have gained freedom as adults. (I see this theme repeatedly on this sight and more often than not is about mom not dad.)
Third, how strong is the intimacy between you and your wife? If her mother is and always has been a control addict and your wife is easily controlled by her mother's F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt), then the intimacy that you have now in your marriage will get damaged.
Fourth, do you really want to triangulate your wife between being a good daughter, being a good wife by having your MIL right there in your house?
I'm sure others will think of more questions. Having read part of a book tonight on intrusive parents as well as some tough life experiences, these questions quickly came to mind.
If she has no money have you applied for Medical? They will pay the Nursing Home. But are you OK with her coming there to live? What has your relationship been in the past and how do you think it will impact your family? Do you have children? Siblings?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I do have a problem understanding how the other siblings always remember the bad times and conveniently forget the good. Mom has always been a handful, but as long as the money kept coming they put up with it. As soon as she cut them off, (or when I took control because there would not be enough left for her care if I didn't) all of a sudden they can't forgive her for things that happened 30 years ago. It's pathetic.
Posted question ?
I certainly understand your feelings "I have moments when I think I should just be a big enough person to let it go and try to be there for her now, but I just can't." I can't any more either. My mother is 100 and in pretty good health. I am 75 and struggling with a couple if health issues and I cannot allow her to drag me down any more. This could go on another 10 years. I need some peace in my life. I think you are right about your mil being happy if your husband left you and the girls. My mother tried to divide me and my sig other around Christmas, amid a crisis she created. I drew some very firm boundaries which reduced the contact I have with her. I am at the point where for self preservation I am about done, too. I have POA, though she still manages her affairs. If there is more nonsense, I am dropping that - my sis, who plays these nasty narcissistic games too, is my POA back up, and she can have it. More ((((((hugs)))))) Look after you and yours. Joan
I took care of my mom in our home for 10 years and four years while we moved her in an apt. she did not want assisted living so we were the ones helping her.
I do not regret it . She appreciated and thanked my family daily. we had many precious memories and she deserved the wonderful care that we provided but there were many challenges. Other sibs did not want to help very much and there were many sleepless nights and messes to clean but I know in my heart that I did my best until she needed two people to care for her and my back is not strong enough plus I work outside the home . I know once you bring a family member in the home then they do not qualify for much because the entire family income is taken into account but the same member can get med assistance if they are in the nursing home. I think you should be able to get help at home also and laws will have to change. If she does go in the nursing home, visit often, play music, play games, bring food from home , have family parties, hug and kiss her, buy her nice clothes, get her hair done, make calls to family members on your cell phone so she could speak to them, we did skye the other day with my dai\ughter who is in another state and she really enjoyed that and we all sang together. you need a family meeting. you can try it and see what happens-it all depends how big your home is and how much care she needs. Good Luck
My mother has alienated me and her grandchildren and other relatives and friends. She uses FOG - fear, guilt and obligation to manipulate people. My sis stays close to her hoping to inherit everything.
I have felt guilty at times, but less and less as I see the effect of the stress that she creates has on me. As I get older, I have to protect myself from it more and more, as my health has been affected. I am a compassionate person too, and have had to learn to be compassionate towards myself, which means being very firm about detaching and maintaining distance from my mother and my sister. (((((hugs))))) to you and others dealing with this problem,
She could also enter an assisted living center If needed. You could perhaps get medicade Assistance..since things are different from state talk to a local facility, they could give You cost figures and how to apply.
You could also offer her a home at your place. There are many issues involved. If you have the room and everyone is In agreement you could try. You could
Discuss this with grandma and your family And maybe doing this as a stop gap measure. the key is to look at ALL options. It is not A sin to ask questions or ask for help.
Good luck on your journey.
The best of luck to you and your family.
There are at least four questions to consider before saying yes to her coming to live with ya'll.
First, what are her mental and physical health issues? Are those issues which you can reasonably deal with without damaging yourself, your marriage and your family?
Second, what is your spouse's relationship with your MIL?
Some mothers were intrusive in their daughter's and or son's lives as children and some adult children of such mothers don't even realize they are victims, much less have gained freedom as adults. (I see this theme repeatedly on this sight and more often than not is about mom not dad.)
Third, how strong is the intimacy between you and your wife? If her mother is and always has been a control addict and your wife is easily controlled by her mother's F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt), then the intimacy that you have now in your marriage will get damaged.
Fourth, do you really want to triangulate your wife between being a good daughter, being a good wife by having your MIL right there in your house?
I'm sure others will think of more questions. Having read part of a book tonight on intrusive parents as well as some tough life experiences, these questions quickly came to mind.