Even though her eyesight is bad and she has dry eyes and she gets attacks where she starts blinking very fast. Her hearing is bad sometimes; I have to speak very loud. She can’t hear the TV and she says something wrong with the TV. She takes 3 different blood pressure meds because she has hypertension, high blood sugar and heart meds. She had a huge lung cancer surgery 2 months ago. After the surgery she had internal bleeding and they opened her up again to see where the bleeding is from. She walks slowly and her reflexes are extremely slow. I have offered to drive her anywhere she likes and pick her up anytime but she wants to drive. Her oncologist mentioned that she might have dementia but her regular doctor says she is depressed and she lacks “concentration". When I mentioned driving he abruptly cut me off and he said that is not important right now. And just left. How is that not important? I don’t know what to do. Should I just let her drive? But she also is on so many meds that make her drowsy. She thinks just because she can do stuff around the house she is ok to drive. What is the big deal about driving and seniors wanting to drive until something catastrophic happens? I wish I had someone driving me around so I didn’t have to drive.
It is a solution but I wouldn’t attempt it.
My father-in-law was badly injured. My mother-in-law was killed.
We were fortunate that years later when my father-in-law no longer felt that he could safely drive, on his own he turned over his car keys to my husband. That was the best possible scenario because that saved my husband from having to have "the car keys talk" with him. From then on he either took a taxi to where he needed to go, or we drove him.
I know that your situation is a difficult one, and you obviously aren't doing it just because your mom has gotten older. You're doing it because she's no longer a safe driver, and because you love her.
It might help you to know that many church groups have volunteers who take members and even non-members to their appointments, to the store, etc.
In my area, there is an organization called Seniors First that was wonderful. They pick up seniors in a large van at their homes, and bring them to "happenings" and lunches and games a few times a week at the local Senior Recreation facility. It was awesome and my aunt, who lived on her own, was on that bus at least twice a week. (I think the socialization helped her live to nearly 102 years old.)
Best wishes and good luck to you.
sandwichedboomer.com
My mother is angry because she wants to drive herself not because she doesn’t have a ride. I have offered her that I would drive anywhere she wants and will pick her up but that is not enough for her. And she thinks I am being unreasonable and she is just fine, because she can walk and do things on her own.
She asks me: have I fallen down before ? Did I have an accident?? Drives me up the wall.
Like any other elderly I have seen she refuses to acknowledge that she is not fit to drive. Even before her surgery I was afraid of sitting next to her while driving and now it’s worse.
She thinks she can sit behind the wheel and She can turn the steering wheel. And that’s driving in her mind.
I asked her if she wants to go shopping this morning. First she said ok. And when I was ready to go she said she doesn’t feel like it and was pouting.
I told her I want to leave and be on my own. She has backed down for now but I know my mother she won’t give up.
I need to leave because this us affecting me in a negative way.
If anything happens I have to go and fix things. If anything happens to her I have to do it all. It’s like dealing with a kid but in this case she is an adult.
With my dad his car “Broke Down” and had to be towed to the shop and they had to order parts etc. My dad had little short term memory at this point so I was able to continue the fib for a few days until he went into assisted living.
Its better to get the car out of sight, out of mind.
Disable the car by having someone simply pull the starter relay out of the fuse box. When it’s time to move it just plug it back in and go. Don’t mess with plug wires or letting air out of tires. Not as easy as you would think.
It was still a battle with my dad. He had long term memory and was ranting and raving about his car for weeks. It subsided eventually but he was looking for his car until he died.
This has to be done. Good luck.
How much are those LIVES worth if mom hits the gas instead of the brakes???
Mom's car had dents and bumps on every single quarter panel. No backup lights, usually only one headlight. She was driving and looking between the top of the steering wheel and the dashboard. Completely clueless.
YB disconnected the battery and put a 'club' on the steering wheel. Said she had to take the driving test He'd put her through before he's allow her out of the neighborhood. She couldn't even get the rearview mirror adjusted.
IF you can get mom to adapt, I have found Uber to be wonderful for runs to the airport and even just errands for ME when I have had a car in the shop or was going in for chemo.
I dread taking DH's driving privileges away and that's going to happen one day. I guess he'll stay home, b/c he refuses to let me drive him anywhere!
This doctor is showing very poor judgment or should I not pull any punches and say that he lacks common sense!
Here is where a complaint can be filed on doctors who are Medicare providers:
https://www.medicare.gov/claims-appeals/how-to-file-a-complaint-grievance
It's shocking how rude your mother's doctor was and brushing off the driving issue like it's not big deal! What a jerk!!
What state are you in? You might get faster results going through the DMV. Also do you have access to her vision records?
One more thing, do you know why your mom's oncologist thought she might have dementia? Did the oncologist document anything in your mom's records about the dementia concerns?
o also mentioned the driving and he said I should speak to her family doctor. And we all know how that turned out.
We are in California. I am not sure if the oncologist documented anything about that. I got the feeling they are not comfortable to deal with this situation.
Thank you for all the help.
It took my mom getting a DUI to get her off the road, because her license was suspended. It's a looong story involving two states that I'll spare you but what made it even more complicated is that my mom also managed to convince a couple "professionals" that she was good to drive (meanwhile diagnosed with dementia in early 2019) including the DUI lawyer. When that case is fully resolved I plan to report that lawyer to the bar.
So on to your case- I would call your mother's doctor and tell him you will be reporting him to the state medical board and are holding him liable if anything happens for telling your mother she was okay to drive despite all of the issues you listed here and your vocal concerns. The word LIABLE should get his attention. See if that get a rise out of the jerk. In fact I actually would file a complaint.
Also you can contact the DMV yourself and report her as an unsafe driver, and they can require her to be evaluated by a senior driving specialist.
In the meantime, depending on your mom's personality you may have to wait until the DMV takes action and requires the senior driving test, which is so stressful because it feels like a crisis waiting to happen. Prior to my mom getting a DUI suspension, I couldn't disable the car or anything like that because she threatened to call the cops on me if I "touched her car".
Good luck. My patience has run out for seniors who still insist on driving when they are clearly not safe on the road. Their "independence" versus killing someone, well I'm OVER their "independence".
Calling the office is useless because he never comes to the phone and if you leave a message for him to call back he doesn’t.
I had to go to the office and wait 1 hour until he came in around 11. And he was so rude to me I did not even get to finish my word,I got to ask him about dementia and As soon as I said my mom wants to drive..... he interrupted me by holding his hand up in my face and saying that is not important right now I will talk later.
No is a complete sentence!! Sounds like you are doing the best you can about the car....and the nerve of her dr!!!! What is his dang problem??? Hang in there, read the book Boundaries by Thompson ( i think). Should help you. Also google FOG (fear,obligation, guilt). That will help as well. Big hugs to you. Liz
besides she will call someone or a mechanic to fix it.
Your mother should certainly NOT be driving, for the numerous reasons mentioned in your post. If it were me, I'd hide her keys and offer to drive her if she needs to go somewhere. Who cares about the 'license' itself; it's just a piece of laminated paper. YOU have the power to keep her from driving by disabling the car if necessary so you're not rushing off to the hospital to see her in the ER after a horrible accident. If that makes you The Bad Daughter, so be it. It also makes her the Mother Who's Still Alive and/or Not Killing Others on the Road!
The elders want to keep driving, even when they know darn well they are no longer capable of it, because it's their last vestige of freedom & independence. Once they give that up, they may as well be dead, in their minds.
I suggest you get your mom to a neurologist or at least to a new PCP who can administer a MoCa cognition test to see where she's at on the dementia spectrum. The answers are scored and she's given a rating on a scale, so you'll know what you're dealing with, once and for all. Maybe she doesn't have dementia at all............but that still doesn't mean she should be driving!! Her eyesight issues alone make it too dangerous.
Wishing you the best of luck with a tough situation; my condolences for all you're going through. It's not easy, I know.
I have been hiding the keys but everyday she makes an argument and no matter how many times I explain she does not understand.
She Gets mad and stops talking and this goes on and on.
As for taking her to another doctor or specialist she won’t come. She says she is fine.
This Doctor is rude and unethical. I can not make her do something she doesn’t want to.
All I can do is remove myself from this situation. I should have done it long time ago.
When she needs me like after surgery recovery or other things she becomes a different person.
When she came home from lung cancer surgery hooked on oxygen tubes and she could not walk a few feet I was the only one that was there for her and none of my other siblings came to even see her or help for that matter. And she told me: If you were not here or you lived far away they would have put me in a home. Now that she feels a little better she forgets and think she is 18 and says besides the shopping, She is doing everything on her own. I was there after her breast cancer Surgery and colon cancer and hysterectomy. Doctors app, bills, laundry, shopping...
It is hurtful but it’s OK. The day will come that she will need me again but this time I am not going to be here.
She thinks she can do everything on her own? Than let her do it from now on.
She absolutely, most definitely should not be on the road to endanger others and herself.