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Don’t listen to it, get off the phone or when in person leave when it starts. You’re blessed with being an adult free to decide what you’ll allow in your life, you don’t owe an explanation for not allowing this. It brings you down so no more. Talk with her about positive and encouraging topics, and when the negative drag starts, you’re out.
‘93 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, hearing loss, and vision problems’
Ceebee53 I would stay away until I could feel better about the visit. You aren’t the caregiver so you have that choice. If you don’t feel you have that choice, see a therapist to gain some balance.
My sister wanted my mom to take anxiety meds. Mom refused. My sister felt that one of them should take it and since my mom was the problem, she should take it. Not a chance.
After my sister developed cancer, I told her no more caregiving for mom. I will do it. Sister lived nearby. I was three hours away but I came weekly, did the chores, brought the food, interacted with HH, picked up prescriptions. Took her to appointments. Whatever had to be done.
So my sister didn’t come for awhile and then she would come over to do puzzles while they visited. It was just enough distraction to keep my sister from getting depressed and upset with my mom.
I, on the other hand, would come in like a whirling dervish and take care of business. Give my mom a hug and a kiss and off I would go. I gave my sister a gift of telling her no more chores. I’ve got this. It was making her sick. She had done the many odd chores for my mom for years. It takes a toll. So if you don’t have to be there, stay away. Support the one who is there when you can.
Your mom is probably unaware that she is so very negative. There are many things you can do to cheer her but they only last as long as the ice cream does. Probably worth it though to both of you to spend a few pleasant minutes together on a regular basis once you have had some space.
My son would take my mom a milk shake every Thursday evening. She looked forward to that visit. It probably didn’t take more than 30 min. At first he did it because I asked him and then he did it because he wanted to. And he got the full run down of what was wrong in the world, with the family and with her. He didn’t escape that. I’m sure he shared a few problems of his own.
I wish I had done the puzzles but I had miles to go and on some level I think I was afraid if I ever let my guard down I wouldn’t be able to leave. I take pleasure in knowing I helped my sister have better memories. I gave two family parties a year. Mom did not want them but after they were over she enjoyed the photos and conversation and memories. She was truly too far gone to look forward to anything it seemed.
At this stage of the game your mom is not going to change. You will add mobility problems to that list, incontinence, and other issues an aging body develops. Try not to take it personal. It’s really not about you and probably isn’t who she was. I never remember my mom complaining while she was still healthy and active. She always had a large vegetable garden until her 90th year. She took pride in her daily accomplishments, wrote letters to cousins, siblings, children and grands. She attended her church and delighted in every card and photo she received. Slowly all that disappeared as her life wound down. She was unhappy that she no longer had her incredible energy. She didn’t take well to old age.
You can find many posts about negative parents on this forum. One of my favorite memories is asking my mom for a smile. Sometimes that’s all it takes is the memory of that sweet smile to make it better.
and then there was the time I asked her to say something pleasant before she started complaining. She didn’t have dementia. I know she must have thought about that request all week. When I got there the next week, I had forgotten all about asking her that. But she Hadn’t. She said “Good to see you....I guess’. I just laughed and gave her a hug.
My DH has the same experience. He came home LATE last night from a business trip to a frantic sister telling him to get to mom's ASAP.
SO, he goes up there on his way home and has to practically break down the door to get her to wake up & let him in.
I guess the next 2 hours were pretty much a slice of hell for him and she was just in a 'mood', angry at the world and hateful and negative about everything. (I guess, especially, me, for some reason).
I have stepped away from her 100%. I will not engage with her and I will not stand there and let her beat me to death with hatred, and last night was the FIRST TIME in 45 years that my DH finally 'got it'...that I am not solely responsible for the fractures in his family. He has always blamed ME for being the instigator, and last night--well, I guess it was some kind of epiphany.
He wasn't home until after 2 am...and this morning is depressed and down. She cannot be helped. She's been this way as long as I have known her. The hate and negativity are so ingrained in her, there is no possibility for her to ever be 'better'. I let him talk about it, how sad it makes him to say that he actually hates his own mother--in a way, and how he wishes she wasn't like this...BUT..
at 90, she isn't changing. Not one iota. She's actually getting worse.
I just told him I felt he could use some more counseling on how to come to terms with the fact that this is the way his mother IS. She won't change, she doesn't want to! She 'likes' fewer than 20 people and interacts with only her daughter and her granddaughter and one neighbor.
DH's response to MIL's negative behavior and nastiness over the years has been simply to ignore her. Let as much as he could fall on me, but that's no longer an option.
My best advice would be to walk away when she gets negative past what you can handle. Even just HEARING what she said about me to DH last night has made me so sad today. I don't want to give her one more minute of my life to stain with her hatred.
I walked away (and slammed the door on the way) from her about 5 months ago and have not and will not go back no matter what. I realize the relationship with a mother is different than one with a MIL, but the same thing holds. Don't allow meanness to be a part of the relationship dynamic.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Ceebee53
I would stay away until I could feel better about the visit. You aren’t the caregiver so you have that choice. If you don’t feel you have that choice, see a therapist to gain some balance.
My sister wanted my mom to take anxiety meds. Mom refused. My sister felt that one of them should take it and since my mom was the problem, she should take it. Not a chance.
After my sister developed cancer, I told her no more caregiving for mom. I will do it. Sister lived nearby. I was three hours away but I came weekly, did the chores, brought the food, interacted with HH, picked up prescriptions. Took her to appointments. Whatever had to be done.
So my sister didn’t come for awhile and then she would come over to do puzzles while they visited. It was just enough distraction to keep my sister from getting depressed and upset with my mom.
I, on the other hand, would come in like a whirling dervish and take care of business. Give my mom a hug and a kiss and off I would go. I gave my sister a gift of telling her no more chores. I’ve got this. It was making her sick. She had done the many odd chores for my mom for years. It takes a toll. So if you don’t have to be there, stay away. Support the one who is there when you can.
Your mom is probably unaware that she is so very negative. There are many things you can do to cheer her but they only last as long as the ice cream does. Probably worth it though to both of you to spend a few pleasant minutes together on a regular basis once you have had some space.
My son would take my mom a milk shake every Thursday evening. She looked forward to that visit. It probably didn’t take more than 30 min. At first he did it because I asked him and then he did it because he wanted to. And he got the full run down of what was wrong in the world, with the family and with her. He didn’t escape that. I’m sure he shared a few problems of his own.
I wish I had done the puzzles but I had miles to go and on some level I think I was afraid if I ever let my guard down I wouldn’t be able to leave. I take pleasure in knowing I helped my sister have better memories. I gave two family parties a year. Mom did not want them but after they were over she enjoyed the photos and conversation and memories. She was truly too far gone to look forward to anything it seemed.
At this stage of the game your mom is not going to change. You will add mobility problems to that list, incontinence, and other issues an aging body develops. Try not to take it personal. It’s really not about you and probably isn’t who she was. I never remember my mom complaining while she was still healthy and active. She always had a large vegetable garden until her 90th year. She took pride in her daily accomplishments, wrote letters to cousins, siblings, children and grands. She attended her church and delighted in every card and photo she received. Slowly all that disappeared as her life wound down. She was unhappy that she no longer had her incredible energy. She didn’t take well to old age.
You can find many posts about negative parents on this forum. One of my favorite memories is asking my mom for a smile. Sometimes that’s all it takes is the memory of that sweet smile to make it better.
and then there was the time I asked her to say something pleasant before she started complaining. She didn’t have dementia. I know she must have thought about that request all week. When I got there the next week, I had forgotten all about asking her that. But she Hadn’t. She said “Good to see you....I guess’. I just laughed and gave her a hug.
SO, he goes up there on his way home and has to practically break down the door to get her to wake up & let him in.
I guess the next 2 hours were pretty much a slice of hell for him and she was just in a 'mood', angry at the world and hateful and negative about everything. (I guess, especially, me, for some reason).
I have stepped away from her 100%. I will not engage with her and I will not stand there and let her beat me to death with hatred, and last night was the FIRST TIME in 45 years that my DH finally 'got it'...that I am not solely responsible for the fractures in his family. He has always blamed ME for being the instigator, and last night--well, I guess it was some kind of epiphany.
He wasn't home until after 2 am...and this morning is depressed and down. She cannot be helped. She's been this way as long as I have known her. The hate and negativity are so ingrained in her, there is no possibility for her to ever be 'better'. I let him talk about it, how sad it makes him to say that he actually hates his own mother--in a way, and how he wishes she wasn't like this...BUT..
at 90, she isn't changing. Not one iota. She's actually getting worse.
I just told him I felt he could use some more counseling on how to come to terms with the fact that this is the way his mother IS. She won't change, she doesn't want to! She 'likes' fewer than 20 people and interacts with only her daughter and her granddaughter and one neighbor.
DH's response to MIL's negative behavior and nastiness over the years has been simply to ignore her. Let as much as he could fall on me, but that's no longer an option.
My best advice would be to walk away when she gets negative past what you can handle. Even just HEARING what she said about me to DH last night has made me so sad today. I don't want to give her one more minute of my life to stain with her hatred.
I walked away (and slammed the door on the way) from her about 5 months ago and have not and will not go back no matter what. I realize the relationship with a mother is different than one with a MIL, but the same thing holds. Don't allow meanness to be a part of the relationship dynamic.
Good Luck.