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She refused to sign over POA and will not listen to anyone. I am an only child and concerned for her safety. She is unable to take of herself and she is falling a lot. Any advise would be greatly appreciated
Beachlovet, kudos to you for being willing to take care of your mother. As you've already said, your ability to help your mom is hampered by both her refusal to give you DPOA and her denial of her condition. Ironically, her refusal to sign a DPOA suggests that she knows what it is, which may mean that she is still competent enough to legally sign it. Maybe with help from someone else that she trusts (e.g. attorney, doctor, clergy, friend, cousin, banker), you could get her to understand that it's in her best interest to sign a "springing" DPOA that takes effect only if specific mental/physical incapacities are confirmed by her doctor. If you can't get her to do at least that, then I think you'll eventually have to petition a court for guardianship. Best wishes.
Beachlovet, You are right that you “cannot help her without the POA”. So how do you propose to get your Mother to move over into your house if she is so resistant to any assistance from anyone?
You might begin with some “baby steps” to supervise your Mother while she lives in her own house. You can monitor your Mother via baby monitors or video cameras or whatever. Then, if your Mother needs more assist/help, you might consider moving her in to your house.
"VTech CareLine" phone set (available on Amazon) has a telephone base with corded handset, 1 or more cordless handsets, and a cordless pendant for a person to wear around their neck or on a belt clip (that can be programed to call 911 or 2 different phone numbers and the person wearing the pendant only has to push a button to activate a phone call to your cellphone or the landline phone). I used the pendant for my Mom whenever she was outside sitting on the patio and she was able to call my cellphone with one push of a button to let me know that she needed help with her walker and with climbing the steps to get back into the house.
You need to remember that where ever your Mother lives, that SHE REFUSES TO ACCEPT HER CONDITION and REFUSES TO LISTEN TO ANYONE. So whatever you do, your Mother is going to argue and/or disagree with everything that you do for her to take care of your Mother’s health. The BATTLE OF WILLS between you and your Mother WILL WEAR YOU DOWN and can possible destroy your own physical, mental and emotional health.
I should know!! My Mom was able to bathe herself, dress herself, feed herself, walk with wheeled walker and cook occasionally. BUT the biggest problem was that she WOULD NOT LISTEN TO ME and if she got an idea in her head, I was unable to redirect her from it. It was the bickering and the arguing and the disagreements that wore me down and damaged my health more than the physical care that I gave my Mom.
And then, after she was admitted to the nursing home, she accused me of stealing from her and the nursing home staff helped her change her D-POA from me to our family lawyer. The “Attorney Ad Lidem” that the court assigned to my Mom decided that my Mom did NOT fully understand what she was doing when she changed her D-POA so it was changed back to me as her D-POA. Mom continued to decline mentally and physically and is not able to make any financial decisions anymore so I invoked the D-POA as soon as I got it back (and because we have 2 farms that needed to have forms signed by Mom or her D-POA.) I still am reeling from what happened and I do not trust the Social Service Assistant that helped Mom change her D-POA.
Since you are finding “pots of burnt food in her kitchen in the past month”, I would suggest that you disconnect her stove from the gas or unplug the electric stove and have her use the microwave instead. That is what my dad had to do after he found a plastic coffee carafe melted onto the electric stove burner and melted plates in the oven. Dad was over at Grandma’s apartment (3 blocks away) 4-6 times day to get her meals and so that Mom could help Grandma bathe and get dressed.
As suggested by other people, please start the process of making a contingency plan in case your Mother falls and needs to be hospitalized and then placed into a nursing home or in case your Mother becomes too hard for you to handle physically, mentally and /or emotionally. Even though your Mother will not sign over her POA to anyone right now, you need to be ready to act as her next-of kin or her POA in case of an emergency. Good Luck.
bettina, you make excellent points and illustrate that things rarely get easier. The physical demands on you have been huge. I think we need to recognize that our parents have increased longevity... and that means we are older as caregivers and often are experiencing multiple health issues ourselves.
Looking back at the decision-making process of moving my MIL from France in with us, it was more about the recognition that she couldn't live by herself any longer. No effort was made to look at other options, or even have a contingency plan if things did not work out. I think we were just being idealistic and thought it was the right thing to do. In hindsight, it was actually stupid not to consider the impact it would have on our lives. MIL has always been negative; I was never particularly warm and fuzzy about her, but I agreed to it to please my husband.
Also, my MIL does not qualify for medicare for another 2 1/2 years because of her immigration status. Financially, we can not afford to put her in an assisted living facility in the U.S. plus she doesn't speak English. We cannot ship her back to France either. I guess what I am saying is a lot of us are stuck and just trying to make the best of a tough situation. But I feel had I found this forum before MIL landed here, I might have not been so quick to jump on the bring-mom-to-live-with-us-bandwagon.
My 87-year-old dad has concepts of nursing homes as horrible places, and he wouldn't even consider an assisted living facility. Every time we brought him to visit a facility, he was turned off by the residents with walkers and said everyone looked so old. There is still a lot of stigma that older people associate with these facilities. He has financial resources and has an aide come stay with him in his apartment all day. He lives across the country and I have two sisters nearby, whereas my husband is an only son. To this day, I have not told him that MIL is living with us (he has not been in any shape to travel in the last few years). He would be devastated that I "chose" her to live in our home as he would be jealous and not understand why we didn't take him in. I always shut myself in a remote room when we speak so he cannot overhear her. I feel I have a double life.
Beachlovet, my advice is to at least have a contingency plan in place if things get too overwhelming. At least she lives 20 steps from you, so you are more aware than most where she is at right now in terms of her needs. So, hopefully not too many surprises. Emphasize that your mom moving in is a "trial" or "temporary" until her health is restored, and then you'll proceed from there.
It is true that it takes a lot of work and patience and time... That said, it can be done. My husband and I cared for my mom in our home until her death in March. I will not say it was easy, but it was worth it and I will do it again for my mother in law if the time comes. My mom was healthy, physically, but had Alzheimer's. She lived through all the stages... All the way to Stage 7f. You do need to educate yourself. Be prepared for the negativity, egocentric behaviors... It goes with the disease.
I lived with a family for a year that had the grandmother living with Mom, Dad and five kids. She was sweet, easy going, mild dementia and so couldn't be left alone. Even with all the possible care and the easy going nature of this woman, the family was still stressed as she could not be left alone due to fall risks. And because of her frailty, it wasn't realistic to take her everywhere either.
So even in one of the most optimistic circumstances, with easy going senior who needed fairly minimal care except for the fall risk issue, it was still quite stressful worrying about her falling, her frailty and giving up being able to come and go as they pleased as a family. And they had at least 4 family members old enough and responsible enough to step in to help.
It seems that having a family "team" of very fit, very healthy, very positive folks and a relatively easy going senior have best outcomes. For those of us without that backup, with demanding narcissistic seniors to help care for, the outcome is not ideal. And that is even without having them come to live with us at home! Back injuries, burn out, prolonged illness, job loss, isolation, etc frequently accompany caregivers who take on the responsibility of care for aging family members.
I know I started helping more and more as each health crisis led to the next. Somehow unrealistically I thought that at some point I'd have everything "sorted out". But canes, lead to walkers, lead to power chairs, lead to Hoyer lifts, etc. On the heels of every decline, came a new support(s) that needed to be put into place. Sometimes, a number of supports that needed to be enacted simultaneously. Nothing can prepare you until you're in the thick of it, trying to get it all done at once. It's incredibly draining, as well as can be demoralizing as some folks can and will take advantage of your generosity. Doctors don't have to deal with day to day concerns, and can be rather cavalier about sending home an elder who is frankly way too much for one untrained, not so young person to handle.
Whatever you decide, weigh your options carefully. Make sure your decision takes into account, both of your needs, not just your mother's. For her sake as well as yours, you need to stay sane and healthy!
I have to agree with caregiverl. DON'T DO IT! I have my mil living with one of her son's and myself. Since November 2017, and too long for me. If you feel the need to take her into your home or you have to move in with her, be sure to check on living options for her immediately. Sometimes it takes months to get her approved and sometimes it can take a while to find a facility that can take her. I have learned that you have to be independently wealthy if you want the help you are going to need. Sorry, I have a really BAD taste in my mouth...and nose.
I would not advise moving her in with you. Read the horror stories on this site of children with elderly parents living with them. One of these times, a fall will push her over the edge into a situation that cannot be ignored. It'll be surgery, nursing home rehab, scans for brain bleeds, or something of the sort. There are no easy, one size fits all answers for these issues. Every family is unique, yet some principles apply in general terms to all.
Your mother will ultimately have an event that forces something to be done. Start researching nursing homes, assisted living, etc., so you can have some options when the moment of action comes.
I am willing to take care of my mother at this point. I would rather her be with me than look into other living arrangements. Since I am willing, the doctor told her the time had come for her to come stay. My mother lives 20 steps from me. She is still able to do her personal care, but I have found pots of burnt food in her kitchen in the past month. Also, she is losing weight and been to the ER 3 times in the last 2 months and been dehydrated. She is not taking care of herself. The neurologist said she is in a deep depression. She is seeing primary MD tomorrow. She refuses to accept her condition. I cannot help her without the POA.
You cannot even anticipate now the challenges that you will face, and I agree with other posters that you should weigh your options carefully. And BTW, I don't think that it is a MD's place to make a recommendation for your mom to come live with you. My elderly MIL with dementia moved in almost three years ago; I feel that I have aged so much during that time. The stress can often be unbearable, and it's a 24/7 commitment that is draining emotionally, physically, and mentally. You live out this dementia with them everyday, in a way it becomes the air that you breathe, an endless loop. They can't change their behavior. The calm and peace in my household left the minute my MIL moved in; like a lot of Alzheimer's patients, she is very agitated and at times delusional. Everyday she complains about the "noise" from neighbors running their washing machine at all hours and accuses others of entering her room to "steal" socks, combs, bras, belts, cigarettes, you name it. None of this is reality. She has her sweet moments too, but it doesn't make up for the angst and incessant complaints. It may seem like the right thing to do to take in a loved one, but please do think about the cost on your health and well-being.
Do NOT under any circumstances live w her. That would be the BIGGEST mistake of your life. Take it from someone who took her mother home & discharged from nursing home to save $$$ She has become extremely violent & is a threat to me & herself
First, POA cannot be given by a person who has Dementia. They are not able to make an informed decision especially the stage ur Mom is at. You will need to get guardianship and can use Moms money. Tell her she needs to stay with you until she is better. If u feel you can't take on that responsibility, than look into ALs if she can afford it or a nursing home with Medicaid paying if she has no money.
JoAnn, a person with dementia can indeed give a POA. My husband did. The criteria is that the person understand what the document means. The lawyer came to our house, went over the document with him paragraph by paragraph. When she was done she asked if he understood what it meant. He told her it meant that Jeanne could make decisions for him if he couldn't make them for himself. She had him sign, and I was his POA.
It doesn't matter if the person can't remember his way to the kitchen or sees little green men at the breakfast table. All that matters is that he understands what he is signing at the time he signs it.
Dementia does not automatically make someone legally incompetent. That is a court judgment based on medical advice and court investigation. I don't know if/how this applies to OP, but I want to correct that often misunderstood concept.
To the upper left corner of the screen, you will see 3 horizontal white lines. Click them and the search bar will drop down. Type in keywords like "regret" "move" "moving" and any other keywords that pop into your head and read through the many, many posts of people who agreed to live with an aging parent or loved one. Add Alzheimer's to the mix, and it's an even greater challenge. The needs of people with dementia only increase.
Many people on this forum struggle with depression and poor health as a result of being caregivers. The stress alone can kill. Ask yourself if you are willing to go on antidepressants so that you can fulfill your caregiver role.
A book I found exceptionally helpful while I was helping care for my in-laws before they moved into independent living was Roz Chast's "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" I still read parts of it.
How do YOU FEEL about having your Mom move in with you? How old is she? How old are you? Do you work? Do you plan to work after your Mom moves in with you? Who will be staying with her in your house while you are at work? Apparently your Mom cannot be left alone as you state "She is unable to take of herself and she is falling a lot."
How well do you get along with your Mom? Do you disagree with her whenever you two have a conversation or rarely? If your Mom "refused to sign over POA and will not listen to anyone", how well do you think she will listen to you or cooperate with you regarding her health problems once she is LIVING in YOUR HOUSE?.
As an adult child who quit her job (I have volunteered as the unpaid Parish Nurse AKA Faith Community Nurse at our church for the past 8 years) and who moved in with her mother after her father died, I suggest that you think long and hard about whether it will be in the BEST INTEREST of your Mom and yourself for your Mom to live with you. Her dementia is only going to get worse and you cannot be awake 24 hours/7 days a week.
Does your Mom have any mobility problems other than falling? Does she use a cane or a walker. WILL she use a cane or walker or does she refuse to use them? Is your home currently handicap accessible? How much reconfiguring of your home's layout will you have to do to make it handicap accessible? (Most likely your Mom's physical abilities will start to decline and your Mom will need to be able to get around your house easily.)
You state that your Mom is unable to take care of herself. How much assistance does she need to complete her ADLs (Activities of Daily Living, such as getting dressed, bathing, feeding oneself, walking, etc.) and Ancillary or Independent Activities of Daily Living--IDLs (such as writing checks, paying bills, shopping, driving a car, making decisions about hiring someone to mow the lawn or fix the house)? If your Mom needs physical assistance, are you strong enough to be able to transfer your Mom from a chair to a bed or toilet by yourself?
Are you prepared to give 24hours/7 days a week/365 days a year concentrating on your Mom's needs and wants and rarely being able to spend any time on your own needs and wants (unless your Mom give you permission to do so and if her health is such that you can leave her alone for a few hours)? Are you prepared to sleep with one eye and one ear open are all times? Are you prepared to have your decisions questioned (even after you and your Mom have agreed on the same decision)? Are you prepared to not be able to go on vacation whenever you want to?
What is your Mom's financial status? Does she have money to pay for an Assisted Living/Memory Care facility or a nursing home Memory Care Unit? Or does she need to apply for Medicaid? Do you expect to be paid for taking care of your Mom? See AAPR website: aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/info-2017/you-can-get-paid-as-a-family-caregiver.html?INTCMP=RDRCT-IC-CAREGIVING
If you plan to keep working, do you currently have a job that you have to go to a "brick & mortar" building to do or can you perform your current job using your laptop? How will you stay up-to-date in your current field of employment if you are not employed?
The first 7 years that I lived with my Mom were "good" years as Mom could take care of herself and we got along fairly well and occasionally had disagreements. In July 2015, Mom changed and she started to question everything I did --even if she and I had spent 2-3 hours sitting together making decisions about how to pay bills, etc. She started to have "small" delusions, I had to change from sleeping in the basement to sleeping on the same level as she did and I had to get up every time she got up (Q 2-3 hours) as she was unsteady on her feet. I couldn't leave town for a vacation as she would not allow me to do so (even overnight visits were " forbidden"). In May 2017, my Mom was hospitalized and then she transferred to a long term care facility. She is now residing in their Memory Care Unit and requires a wheelchair and mechanical lift for all transfers. I could never have given her the quality of care at home that she is getting now. However, the years of living with Mom have taken their toll, and I am no longer able to do "direct patient care" and my own health problems have gotten worse since 2015.
You really need to think about the future before you follow the advise of your Mom's doctor that she move in with you. Before you make any final decision, you need to sit down and list all of the Pros and Cons of having your Mom living with you--financial, emotional, mental, physical and psychological. Read some of the posts on this website to see what others have had to deal with as their parents got older and needed more and more care.
Please think realistically about what your Mom's future needs might be and what your ability to care for her might be before having her move in with you. There are so many other options that might be just as good --or even better-- then having your Mom move in with you.
The book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande is excellent!
Perhaps I misread your post Beachlovet. I read it that your mom was refusing to move in with you. No POA etc. That you were considering it but she wasn’t. If she refuses, you legally can’t make her move anywhere unless you are her guardian and that takes a lawyer and is expensive. If she is not willing, even with the guardianship it can be very difficult to keep her in your home. If you are asking whether or not you should take her in, that’s a different situation and may or may not work depending on your circumstances. Who else lives in your home and your own health and ability to care for someone for many years. “Something” will happen sooner or later to push the envelope, with or without her consent. I sure hope it’s not a timebomb ...
Really, the doctor specifically advised her to move in with you? Or did the MD say she should no longer live alone?
What would your doctor say about moving a willful person with dementia in with you?
What might (or might not) be good for your mother might be very unhealthy for you. And that is a very important part of this picture. It cannot be ignored as you consider this life-changing decision.
Before you agree to take your mom into your home, think over the decision very, very carefully. These question and answer pages are filled with caregivers who heartily regret taking a loved one with dementia into their home. I’m kind of surprised her doctor would tell her to move in with you. Or, did she suggest it to her doctor?
Waiting for her to fall and become injured enough to have to be admitted to the hospital is kind of like living with a time bomb. Can you research having her admitted to a facility as Medicaid Pending? Call her local area Agency on Aging for help.
I’m sorry you and your mother are going through this. I know it’s a scary time for you. It’s often recommended that you wait for “the event”. When she falls and has to go to the ER and then rehab get it set up for her to go into long term care through Medicaid if necessary or private pay if she can afford it. If she has dementia that the doctor will sign off on then you could consider guardianship. If that isn’t in the cards you can turn her in to adult protective services as a vulnerable elder living alone. This may or may not get her some attention. Consider a fall alert system. Ask her doctor to order home health. A little help can be better than none. Read the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande.
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You are right that you “cannot help her without the POA”. So how do you propose to get your Mother to move over into your house if she is so resistant to any assistance from anyone?
You might begin with some “baby steps” to supervise your Mother while she lives in her own house. You can monitor your Mother via baby monitors or video cameras or whatever. Then, if your Mother needs more assist/help, you might consider moving her in to your house.
"VTech CareLine" phone set (available on Amazon) has a telephone base with corded handset, 1 or more cordless handsets, and a cordless pendant for a person to wear around their neck or on a belt clip (that can be programed to call 911 or 2 different phone numbers and the person wearing the pendant only has to push a button to activate a phone call to your cellphone or the landline phone). I used the pendant for my Mom whenever she was outside sitting on the patio and she was able to call my cellphone with one push of a button to let me know that she needed help with her walker and with climbing the steps to get back into the house.
You need to remember that where ever your Mother lives, that SHE REFUSES TO ACCEPT HER CONDITION and REFUSES TO LISTEN TO ANYONE. So whatever you do, your Mother is going to argue and/or disagree with everything that you do for her to take care of your Mother’s health. The BATTLE OF WILLS between you and your Mother WILL WEAR YOU DOWN and can possible destroy your own physical, mental and emotional health.
I should know!! My Mom was able to bathe herself, dress herself, feed herself, walk with wheeled walker and cook occasionally. BUT the biggest problem was that she WOULD NOT LISTEN TO ME and if she got an idea in her head, I was unable to redirect her from it. It was the bickering and the arguing and the disagreements that wore me down and damaged my health more than the physical care that I gave my Mom.
And then, after she was admitted to the nursing home, she accused me of stealing from her and the nursing home staff helped her change her D-POA from me to our family lawyer. The “Attorney Ad Lidem” that the court assigned to my Mom decided that my Mom did NOT fully understand what she was doing when she changed her D-POA so it was changed back to me as her D-POA. Mom continued to decline mentally and physically and is not able to make any financial decisions anymore so I invoked the D-POA as soon as I got it back (and because we have 2 farms that needed to have forms signed by Mom or her D-POA.) I still am reeling from what happened and I do not trust the Social Service Assistant that helped Mom change her D-POA.
Since you are finding “pots of burnt food in her kitchen in the past month”, I would suggest that you disconnect her stove from the gas or unplug the electric stove and have her use the microwave instead. That is what my dad had to do after he found a plastic coffee carafe melted onto the electric stove burner and melted plates in the oven. Dad was over at Grandma’s apartment (3 blocks away) 4-6 times day to get her meals and so that Mom could help Grandma bathe and get dressed.
As suggested by other people, please start the process of making a contingency plan in case your Mother falls and needs to be hospitalized and then placed into a nursing home or in case your Mother becomes too hard for you to handle physically, mentally and /or emotionally. Even though your Mother will not sign over her POA to anyone right now, you need to be ready to act as her next-of kin or her POA in case of an emergency. Good Luck.
Looking back at the decision-making process of moving my MIL from France in with us, it was more about the recognition that she couldn't live by herself any longer. No effort was made to look at other options, or even have a contingency plan if things did not work out. I think we were just being idealistic and thought it was the right thing to do. In hindsight, it was actually stupid not to consider the impact it would have on our lives. MIL has always been negative; I was never particularly warm and fuzzy about her, but I agreed to it to please my husband.
Also, my MIL does not qualify for medicare for another 2 1/2 years because of her immigration status. Financially, we can not afford to put her in an assisted living facility in the U.S. plus she doesn't speak English. We cannot ship her back to France either. I guess what I am saying is a lot of us are stuck and just trying to make the best of a tough situation. But I feel had I found this forum before MIL landed here, I might have not been so quick to jump on the bring-mom-to-live-with-us-bandwagon.
My 87-year-old dad has concepts of nursing homes as horrible places, and he wouldn't even consider an assisted living facility. Every time we brought him to visit a facility, he was turned off by the residents with walkers and said everyone looked so old. There is still a lot of stigma that older people associate with these facilities. He has financial resources and has an aide come stay with him in his apartment all day. He lives across the country and I have two sisters nearby, whereas my husband is an only son. To this day, I have not told him that MIL is living with us (he has not been in any shape to travel in the last few years). He would be devastated that I "chose" her to live in our home as he would be jealous and not understand why we didn't take him in. I always shut myself in a remote room when we speak so he cannot overhear her. I feel I have a double life.
Beachlovet, my advice is to at least have a contingency plan in place if things get too overwhelming. At least she lives 20 steps from you, so you are more aware than most where she is at right now in terms of her needs. So, hopefully not too many surprises. Emphasize that your mom moving in is a "trial" or "temporary" until her health is restored, and then you'll proceed from there.
kids. She was sweet, easy going, mild dementia and so couldn't be left alone. Even with
all the possible care and the easy going nature of this woman, the family was still stressed as she could not be left alone due to fall risks. And because of her frailty, it wasn't realistic to take her everywhere either.
So even in one of the most optimistic circumstances, with easy going senior who needed
fairly minimal care except for the fall risk issue, it was still quite stressful worrying about her falling, her frailty and giving up being able to come and go as they pleased as a family. And they had at least 4 family members old enough and responsible enough to step in to help.
It seems that having a family "team" of very fit, very healthy, very positive folks and a relatively easy going senior have best outcomes. For those of us without that backup,
with demanding narcissistic seniors to help care for, the outcome is not ideal. And that
is even without having them come to live with us at home! Back injuries, burn out, prolonged illness, job loss, isolation, etc frequently accompany caregivers who take on
the responsibility of care for aging family members.
I know I started helping more and more as each health crisis led to the next. Somehow
unrealistically I thought that at some point I'd have everything "sorted out". But canes, lead to walkers, lead to power chairs, lead to Hoyer lifts, etc. On the heels of every decline, came a new support(s) that needed to be put into place. Sometimes, a number of supports that needed to be enacted simultaneously. Nothing can prepare you until you're in the thick of it, trying to get it all done at once. It's incredibly draining, as well
as can be demoralizing as some folks can and will take advantage of your generosity.
Doctors don't have to deal with day to day concerns, and can be rather cavalier about
sending home an elder who is frankly way too much for one untrained, not so young
person to handle.
Whatever you decide, weigh your options carefully. Make sure your decision takes into account, both of your needs, not just your mother's. For her sake as well as yours, you
need to stay sane and healthy!
Your mother will ultimately have an event that forces something to be done. Start researching nursing homes, assisted living, etc., so you can have some options when the moment of action comes.
It doesn't matter if the person can't remember his way to the kitchen or sees little green men at the breakfast table. All that matters is that he understands what he is signing at the time he signs it.
Dementia does not automatically make someone legally incompetent. That is a court judgment based on medical advice and court investigation. I don't know if/how this applies to OP, but I want to correct that often misunderstood concept.
Here is an article by one of AC's experts on the subject:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elder-cant-sign-will-trust-power-of-attorney-153521.htm
Many people on this forum struggle with depression and poor health as a result of being caregivers. The stress alone can kill. Ask yourself if you are willing to go on antidepressants so that you can fulfill your caregiver role.
A book I found exceptionally helpful while I was helping care for my in-laws before they moved into independent living was Roz Chast's "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" I still read parts of it.
How well do you get along with your Mom? Do you disagree with her whenever you two have a conversation or rarely? If your Mom "refused to sign over POA and will not listen to anyone", how well do you think she will listen to you or cooperate with you regarding her health problems once she is LIVING in YOUR HOUSE?.
As an adult child who quit her job (I have volunteered as the unpaid Parish Nurse AKA Faith Community Nurse at our church for the past 8 years) and who moved in with her mother after her father died, I suggest that you think long and hard about whether it will be in the BEST INTEREST of your Mom and yourself for your Mom to live with you. Her dementia is only going to get worse and you cannot be awake 24 hours/7 days a week.
Does your Mom have any mobility problems other than falling? Does she use a cane or a walker. WILL she use a cane or walker or does she refuse to use them? Is your home currently handicap accessible? How much reconfiguring of your home's layout will you have to do to make it handicap accessible? (Most likely your Mom's physical abilities will start to decline and your Mom will need to be able to get around your house easily.)
You state that your Mom is unable to take care of herself. How much assistance does she need to complete her ADLs (Activities of Daily Living, such as getting dressed, bathing, feeding oneself, walking, etc.) and Ancillary or Independent Activities of Daily Living--IDLs (such as writing checks, paying bills, shopping, driving a car, making decisions about hiring someone to mow the lawn or fix the house)? If your Mom needs physical assistance, are you strong enough to be able to transfer your Mom from a chair to a bed or toilet by yourself?
Are you prepared to give 24hours/7 days a week/365 days a year concentrating on your Mom's needs and wants and rarely being able to spend any time on your own needs and wants (unless your Mom give you permission to do so and if her health is such that you can leave her alone for a few hours)? Are you prepared to sleep with one eye and one ear open are all times? Are you prepared to have your decisions questioned (even after you and your Mom have agreed on the same decision)? Are you prepared to not be able to go on vacation whenever you want to?
What is your Mom's financial status? Does she have money to pay for an Assisted Living/Memory Care facility or a nursing home Memory Care Unit? Or does she need to apply for Medicaid? Do you expect to be paid for taking care of your Mom? See AAPR website: aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/info-2017/you-can-get-paid-as-a-family-caregiver.html?INTCMP=RDRCT-IC-CAREGIVING
If you plan to keep working, do you currently have a job that you have to go to a "brick & mortar" building to do or can you perform your current job using your laptop? How will you stay up-to-date in your current field of employment if you are not employed?
The first 7 years that I lived with my Mom were "good" years as Mom could take care of herself and we got along fairly well and occasionally had disagreements. In July 2015, Mom changed and she started to question everything I did --even if she and I had spent 2-3 hours sitting together making decisions about how to pay bills, etc. She started to have "small" delusions, I had to change from sleeping in the basement to sleeping on the same level as she did and I had to get up every time she got up (Q 2-3 hours) as she was unsteady on her feet. I couldn't leave town for a vacation as she would not allow me to do so (even overnight visits were " forbidden"). In May 2017, my Mom was hospitalized and then she transferred to a long term care facility. She is now residing in their Memory Care Unit and requires a wheelchair and mechanical lift for all transfers. I could never have given her the quality of care at home that she is getting now. However, the years of living with Mom have taken their toll, and I am no longer able to do "direct patient care" and my own health problems have gotten worse since 2015.
You really need to think about the future before you follow the advise of your Mom's doctor that she move in with you. Before you make any final decision, you need to sit down and list all of the Pros and Cons of having your Mom living with you--financial, emotional, mental, physical and psychological. Read some of the posts on this website to see what others have had to deal with as their parents got older and needed more and more care.
Please think realistically about what your Mom's future needs might be and what your ability to care for her might be before having her move in with you. There are so many other options that might be just as good --or even better-- then having your Mom move in with you.
The book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande is excellent!
I read it that your mom was refusing to move in with you. No POA etc. That you were considering it but she wasn’t.
If she refuses, you legally can’t make her move anywhere unless you are her guardian and that takes a lawyer and is expensive. If she is not willing, even with the guardianship it can be very difficult to keep her in your home.
If you are asking whether or not you should take her in, that’s a different situation and may or may not work depending on your circumstances. Who else lives in your home and your own health and ability to care for someone for many years.
“Something” will happen sooner or later to push the envelope, with or without her consent.
I sure hope it’s not a timebomb ...
What would your doctor say about moving a willful person with dementia in with you?
What might (or might not) be good for your mother might be very unhealthy for you. And that is a very important part of this picture. It cannot be ignored as you consider this life-changing decision.
Waiting for her to fall and become injured enough to have to be admitted to the hospital is kind of like living with a time bomb. Can you research having her admitted to a facility as Medicaid Pending? Call her local area Agency on Aging for help.
It’s often recommended that you wait for “the event”.
When she falls and has to go to the ER and then rehab get it set up for her to go into long term care through Medicaid if necessary or private pay if she can afford it.
If she has dementia that the doctor will sign off on then you could consider guardianship.
If that isn’t in the cards you can turn her in to adult protective services as a vulnerable elder living alone. This may or may not get her some attention.
Consider a fall alert system. Ask her doctor to order home health. A little help can be better than none.
Read the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande.