My mother lives in her home in a small isolated desert town. It's so small there's barely a gas station. How can I help her?

Question

My mother lives in her home in a small isolated desert town. It's so small there's barely a gas station. How can I help her?

Follow

Share

She has dementia and is very negative. She has accused her son-in-law of stealing from her and told the state. What was "lost" was a substantial amount of money. Since someone told the state to check into this, she no longer has medicaid or a food card. She only receives $500. for social security per month. Everything she says is very negative and she is now saying she is waiting to die because no one cares about her. Her daughter and son-in-law are not allowed to speak with her. Her other daughter in town visits on occasion. I am in another state. Previously, I spoke with her often but now her phone says unavailable. She has one person who takes her to doctors and into town (which is 30 min. away). The caretaker has my mothers money and none of us children know anything about her will or anything about my mother. She said she would look into the phone situation for me. How can I help her?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Long-distance Caregiving Mom

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

13 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

I'll probably get blasted for this but I'm going to say it. Go see about your mom. Maybe she's feeling alone and scared. Can you imagine being alone and not understanding what is happening to you and all she has is a caregiver that comes in to take her to doctor appointments and grocery shopping. I don't agree with the answers of leave her be, she's made her decision. She's sick. She needs help. I'm not judging anyone, I'm just stating how I feel.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I think most of us agree with you. I was hesitant to say this but my first thought was, if you are so concerned about your mom then get yourself down there and see what’s really going on. She may have made her choices but if family is truly concerned they need to go down there and get involved.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

Oy vey, what a mess she has created.

Does she have the money to repay the Medicaid that she received? I would encourage her to pay every penny that she has because she is going to need help and I don't see that happening while she has an outstanding debt based on fraud.

You really do need to make the trip and get your eyeballs on the situation. If nothing else just to get an idea of where she is at physically and mentally and what is up with the money. Do you know how much it was?

I honestly don't feel sorry for her that she lost benefits from her actions, she has a substantial amount of cash to buy groceries and pay her bills, one of which is now Medicaid. She obviously doesn't want to do that but does she understand the ramifications of having a criminal charge for fraud against public assistance. It will probably disqualify her from any and all public assistance in the future. Felons can't collect public assistance in any way, no senior housing, no food stamps, no insurance except Medicare which isn't assistance. It is pretty serious, as it should be.

Do any of you have POA or HIPAA release to get her medical records? She will probably need someone that is willing to be the bad guy help her get her mess straightened out and you or someone will need authority in writing to help get it sorted out.

Good luck, this is an award winning mess.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

So Real,

How does that work for the OP’s mom? Is there still a penalty even if she pays the money back? So sad that she caused herself and her family this grief. Maybe her decline in her cognitive abilities have clouded her judgment. Hope they can settle it to where she can receive the help she will need for her care.

(0)

Report

See 1 more reply

I agree with Jessica40, actually. Go see your mom. See for YOURSELF how she's doing, what's going on, and so forth. If nothing else, it will either put your mind at ease or alert you to what you feel must be done to keep her safe. Speculating about all of this from another state is not going to accomplish anything. If she is nasty and shoos you away, then you can leave knowing you tried. If you do nothing and something terrible befalls her, you'll likely feel sorry you didn't go visit her. Bear in mind, however, that negative behavior is often associated with dementia, and accusations against family members and friends can run wild. Your mother is not displaying 'unusual' behavior for someone suffering from dementia. You just don't know exactly how bad it is; that's what you should probably find out for yourself and take it from there.

Best of luck!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

She has no medicaid because she had a substantial amount of money at home. So, when the state found out, she was declined medicaid. Medicaid said either pay us $30,000 for the last ten years or you can be sent to jail. In the meantime, nothing has happened. She hasn't been diagnosed with dementia, but she is showing signs of it. Like the money she thought a family member took. The money was found by my mother in a drawer 2 weeks later. No one has been appointed guardian. The caretaker has all the control with my mother and the remaining money. Does this explain alittle more of this situation?

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Just reinforces what I said above. Your mother doesn't wish to have your help. When the poop hits the fan the caretaker will likely either enter Mom into care and pay her way with her funds until she requires medicaid, which then they can apply for, OR the caretaker, if nefarious, will pocket the money and call EMS. At which time the State should take over guardianship and care of your mother. I don't see this as your problem, to be honest. Your Mom doesn't want your help, and won't whether she is demented or not in all likelihood.

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

It seems your mother hasn't for some time had good relationships with family? I believe she has made her choices. She also took food stamps and medicaid when she had money hidden away, so that has bad repercussions. I doubt this will change now, and from miles away, certainly you can't do anything about any of this. This bad behavior is apparently not new for your mother?
My thought, given that she DOES have a friend there, is that this friend will call the EMS when your mother fails in some way. From there the Social Workers will reach out to family members they can locate to see if someone will assume guardianship. That is to say they are going to want someone to take on whatever care they can get them to take on.
I would tell that social worker WHEN she/he calls that your Mother has refused help from her family, doesn't trust family, and will require guardianship of the state. They will get her on medicaid and find her safe placement.
I am sorry to say this, but it's basically what I would do in your circumstance. Then, when Mother was placed safely I would visit and send notes when able. The sad fact is that not everything can be fixed. There are no magic wands.
Life is quite unbearable for some people, and they do long for release. That is not something easily fixed either.
I am so sorry. I know you feel that you must "fix this". But honestly, there is no way I can imagine that you can do so. Perhaps others will have some better ideas.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Thank you for your answers. Here is more information to evaulate the situation. Would the state of Utah find her safe placement if she refuses help from the family? Sister 1 Her husband supposedly stole our mothers money, then my mother found it. Sister 2 my mother doesn't trust and they don't get along. I am the only one she would trust, however, I am in California. Since my mother didn't give medicaid money, they have taken that away from her and the food card. I did drive out to see my mother and yes her caretaker is taking her to town when necessary. My mother can have a conversation with us but she tends to blame people for things they didn't do. She has isolated herself from people and the things she has said about people. Years ago I had asked my mother to come to California where I could help her and she would be close to doctors and so forth. She said no many times. I think the caretaker may have some burn-out issues because she wrote to me and a sister that we never communicate to our mom and my mom feels like she has no one so she should just die. Also, she lost her companion, a dog, a few months ago. She has been sad over that too. When I say this is a small town, I mean tiny. No grocery store nothing. The caretaker was a friend of the #2 sister and comes to visit and take our mother to town. I told the caretaker that I was unable to connect with our mother on the phone, which I used to do on a regular basis. She said she is looking into it. Finally our mother contacted me this week since I sent her a note in the mail. I have been sending her text messages with no response. Our mother didn't want to give medicaid her money. It was an inheritance. Thats why she has no medicaid now. And our mother thinks she can give her home to sister #2. I guess one concern of mine is no accountability regarding the caretaker using our mothers money for gas and lunches with our mother. Plus, I think our mother could use more interaction with others, which she usually declines. I just feel badly that her last days are spent feeling like no one cares and she should just die.

(1)

Report

No one can really do anything for your mother unless she is cognitively impaired (and this can be proven) and they have legal authority to act on her behalf (PoA, guardian). I would take a trip there to figure out what's really going on and if you can (or are willing to) get PoA for your mom, but beware about the amount of work this may mean for you in this messy situation. Make sure you go during a few weekdays, as you may need to talk to social services or banker, etc. as they're not open on weekends. I'm not sure I would tell the caregiver that I'm coming. Best to catch things "as they are", If your mom really seems to have dementia and the caregiver is not really taking good care of her, try calling and talking to social services, maybe report her as a vulnerable adult. FYI an untreated UTI can mimic dementia behavior to a degree, would be great if this could be discounted. Good luck!

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Good idea to not tell them you're coming. You do want to see everything in their natural state.

(1)

Report

Why no Medicaid any longer?
this can and should get resolved.
Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Is someone been appointed her Guardian? If not she should have either a Court appointed guardian or a family member should be appointed.
I am curious about the caregiver...how much control does this person have?
A bit more info is needed.
And it might be a good idea to discuss this with an Elder Care Attorney

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

One of my sisters is no longer supposed to have any contact with her because my mother blamed him for the disappearing money. Which my mother found eventually. My other sister is unable to care for her and I am in California.

(0)

Report

A lot of this doesn't make sense to me. Who is the caretaker? What do they do? Why would she lose Medicaid and food stamps because she told the state a family member stole money from her?

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

The caretaker is a woman who lives nearby. She takes my mother to dr. appts. and to the market. But this caretaker is the only one who sees her. The caretaker has taken the balance of the money my had and has put it away. She lost medicaid and her food card because the money was a substantial amount, so the state said either pay for her past medicaid for the last ten years and of course she no longer was eligible for food money. The family member hadn't stolen her money. It was in another place in her house.

(1)

Report

Tell us how you would like to help your mom. Are you happy or unhappy with the caregiver?

Would you rather see her placed in a facility? How old is your mom? She is dealing with mental decline that won’t improve.

Does she still have the money at home? If so, pay it back, have Medicaid reinstated and have her placed. The caregiver was wrong if she tried to hide money. The caregiver needs to be ethical. She can’t listen to a person with dementia. The caregiver may be burning out and mom would be better off with a staff that is qualified to handle dementia. Do you have an objection to her being placed? It doesn’t matter what she wants at this point because she needs to be in a safe place.

Your mom accused her son in law of stealing and he is innocent so I doubt if daughter and son in law will help her.

Where do you come in? Do you plan on taking mom in with you?

I am a bit confused. Who selected this caregiver? Fill us in on a bit more please. Best of luck to you and your family.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Ok, there are many who can help you help your mother. Please answer the questions to you if you can. What is the source of the money?

There is something called a spend down of assets to qualify for Medicaid.
Wondering if the receipts that would qualify for spend down can be deducted from the $30K. (If there is any left?). And if this is still a possibility.

There are qualifying items, like burial plot, wheel chair, mobility assists, grab bars and home upgrade for handicapped accessibility that could possibly decrease the amount owed to Medicaid.

Perhaps there was no fraud, unknowing about the reporting rules and asset limits due to dementia? Still, ignorance of the law is not an excuse. An attorney, qualified or certified by NAELA could be a good investment at this time, but do not wait.

Unless your Mom has been a willful criminal her whole life, do not reject her because she has an illness which may be causing the negativity. imo.

My mother lives in her home in a small isolated desert town. It's so small there's barely a gas station. How can I help her?

13 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions