She passed away on August 14, 2020 at 9:10 am, while I was at work. My mother has been on dialysis for one year. She lived with me for 6 months, then my aunt her sister cared for her for 4 months before she passed away. She was taking dialysis two times a week on Tuesday and Friday. She was stable and was doing good. The day she passed away she started with a coughing Thursday night at 10 pm and vomited blood, we gave her mint to calm her coughing. Friday at 4.15 am she called on my phone to please take her to the hospital because she was not feeling well. I was afraid to take care since many cases of Covid-19 were diagnosed in my community, I was afraid to expose her and my family and I didn't took her. She gave her warm water, because she wont stop coughing. I stayed a little away from her since she didn`t wanted for me to come closer because she was afraid, because I have two daughters a 11 and 1 year old. we manage to stable her since she had her dialysis session at 9.30 and she usually would have relapse, that morning I left from my aunt house and took a nap with my baby before I headed to work. I headed to work 8 am and I was called by my husband that my mother had passed away. I believe she drown, I can't forgive myself that my mother ask me to take her to the hospital, but because I was afraid I never took her. My heart aches, I really want to talk to her and tell her to forgive me, why I never took her to the hospital. My mother passed away in front of my husband and my dear aunt. Her last words were to take care of the babies.
Without an autopsy you cannot know what was happening with your Mom. With the symptoms of the cough it might have been anything. I spent my life as a nurse, and she had so symptoms that could have been almost anything. It would be natural to fear it might be covid, as your Mom had been exposed with her dialysis. It might have been a blood clot in the lung with the coughing and the bleeding. It might have been abdominal bleeding with some aspirations into the lung. It might have been fluid in the lungs due to a weakening heart pump. Usually when the kidneys go there is also some heart and lung issues. The major systems play off of one another. My real point is that it was impossible to know.
I understand that with your hearing Mom say she wanted to go to the hospital, and your thinking she was better, your fears about covid made you take more a "wait and watch stance", you now have feelings that you should have listened to her. I think we would all feel that way.
The sad truth is that with the bleeding and cough it sounds most to me like it might have been major heart failure or a severe clot thrown to the lungs. Getting your Mom to the hospital right away is unlikely to have saved her life.
You were doing the best you could. ALL involved in Mom's care were doing their best, and were so loving and caring. That you weren't god or even a master diagnostician or fortune teller means you couldn't conceivably guess at the future.
Guilt can sometimes become a way to avoid grief, but always grief is where you end. I sometimes think nothing but time will heal it. You will get these feelings. They will come. But try also to celebrate that you gave your Mom the best care at end of life that you were able to. Perhaps it is only time that heals grief. Your Mom will be with you, within, forever. She will never leave you. As she is housed within now try to make it a home of joy and beauty for her. I wish you healing.
If you wanted someone to be with her, you were fortunate that loving family was there.
My mother died in the middle of the night.
A dear family member had three very devoted daughters, who were staying with her in her last days. On the day she died, she asked each of the older two to get something for her while the third stayed in her room.
After resting peacefully for a few minutes, she asked the third sister to go and tell the others that she was going to take a nap, and that she’d see them when she woke up. All 3 returned to her room immediately, and found that she’d passed.
All at once they realized that she wanted them to be together while she was dying, and not at her bedside.
You have forgotten, just for this moment of loss, how dearly she loves you. She will ALWAYS be near you, and does not want you to suffer. She knows you did your best, and your reasons for leaving her at peace while you took care of your responsibilities were good and sincere reasons.
She gave you a gift of wanting you and your children to stay safe and be well. Accept her gift.
Be at peace. There is nothing for her to forgive. Your fear of taking her to a hospital during the Covid crisis was based on an honest and loving concern for her. Honor her by forgiving yourself.
We have ALL decided to NOT go to the doctor, or the hospital or to do X, Y or Z. For ourselves, our parents, our children, etc.
Take a deep breath. Remember your love for your mother and hers for you. Let yourself grieve. Forgive yourself for being human, for being fallible, for not being perfect. IMHO, it really IS OK.