A long and difficult journey - one I wish we hadn't experienced - but we did. Life's funny that way. Now, I'm trying to forgive all the times I wasn't as patient as I should've been and trying to remember the Mother who was so selfless and loving - she always put the needs of others before her own. I was blessed to have her. God give me strength to keep on keeping on.
My sympathy to you and your family in the recent loss of your mom.
I understand your feelings of it being a long and difficult journey, one you wish you hadn't experienced.
I know that my turn is coming as my mom has had Alzheimer's probably since 2012/2013 but wasn't diagnosed until 2014. Believe me I was very impatient especially in the beginning as the diagnosis made me angry, I was super stressed as an only child being her sole caregiver to make so, so many important decisions and one of them actually being a life or death decision. I will feel the same way when that day comes for me.
Your mother sounds just like my mom - selfless, loving and putting the needs of others before her own. It doesn't seem right that my mom didn't have the exact same thing in return. I am much better with her now and I give God all the credit for that as there is no way I could have made any of those positive changes under my own strength and power.
Just hold on to the fact you were blessed to have her, try to think of all the times you did do right by her and push the imperfect moments back as best you can.
Even though we most often hear about the 5 stages of grief, we don't often hear about the 12 steps of grief which was put out by a funeral home - one of them being "Grievers suffer Guilt Feelings." So that tells you, you're not alone in what you are experiencing.
I will pray with you - that God will "give you strength to keep on keeping on."
"...Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
For this reason I'm writing to you, and to my future self, to say:
I'm feeling so close to you in this moment, and I'm carrying a little bit of your pain for you, to make you feel lighter even if just for a moment, enough to hear your mom close to you again, enough to see in her smile that she knows, she just knows how much you love her. Your mom is with you, and will be, every single step.
many blessings
Arwen