I live out of town, single and after being jobless for a year,I finally got an offer, but my mother is also newly widowed. My sister is married, newly retired with a new grand baby who is in the home, so she will be helping her daughter and baby. Since I’m single I’ve been asked by my sister if I could move in with our mother so she won’t be alone. I’ve had such a hard time finding a job and now that I’ve finally been offered a job, I’m being asked by my sister to basically turn it down and move back home. I don’t want to sound selfish or uncaring however I’m torn as to what to do. I want to do what’s, at the same time, I finally got a job, looking forward to starting my life over after successfully completing a rehab program and getting thru covid. I’m so anxious to get my life back on track, not to mention, I’ve recently started a new relationship back where I live. I’ve never been married and would love to have that experience. But now, it seems that I have to put my dreams on hold in order to move back home to be with my mother. So I guess my question is, do I reject this new job offer, put my relationship on hold/try to make it work long distance, put my dreams of finally getting my life on the right track on hold in order to move with my mother who is in good health but has challenged eyesight which is a concern of ours plus the fact that she will be living alone after 50 years of marriage will be hard. What do I do??
Funny how selfless people are with other people's lives.
Please take the new job offer, get your life on track, pursue the new relationship, stay on track with your newly completed rehab program (which includes self-care), and move on with your life. Go visit mom as often as you can, and leave it at that. Don't think of it as 'selfish' or any such thing, either...........just think of it as living YOUR life and allowing your mother to live HERS.
Best of luck!
I have read posts from many who didn't have a job and moved in with the parent(s), and these are some of the things that happened to them:
After they moved in, they survive solely on the parent's social security and pension. They take care of the parents and feel trapped as they can't move out because they don't have any money.
In their siblings' view, they are getting to live rent free and getting free food, so they are getting a 'good' deal. The siblings don't know and don't care how difficult it is to take care of the parents and lose their lives and their independence. They get to stay home to take care of the parents for years on end while their siblings take vacation after vacation. Life is passing them by.
When the parent has to go to a nursing home and if the parent owns a house, the siblings want them to move out right away so that the house can be sold and proceed used to pay for nursing home costs. So now, they find themselves homeless, jobless and penniless. Since they were out of the workforce for so long, they no longer have the skills or the confidence to get a decent job.
Don't let this fate fall on you.
Are you independently wealthy and able to support yourself through YOUR old age without ever working again?
What are your mother's care needs? What are her resources for getting them met?
Those are the questions that the three of you should sit down and discuss, perhaps with input from mom's doctor.
The Area Agency on Aging can also be useful in providing a "needs assessment" to identify mom's needs.
You say your mother is in good health and can live independently. That may be one solution. An independent living facility could offer her the opportunity to socialize, forget about house cleaning and meals, and participate in activities. Another option would be to bring in a home helper a few times a week for a few hours to provide help in running the house, or just to socialize to reduce the loneliness. Eventually, because of her failing eyesight, she may need an assisted living facility. I lost my wife of 52 years three years ago. As a recovering widower, some loneliness persists, but the grief is gone, and although my life lacks her presence, and always will, I've adapted and it's “almost” normal. A book titled “Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse”, Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge, is an excellent resource.
I know this decision is wearing on you, but you can't live your life for others. It may sound like the honorable thing to do, but it's not practical.
If you want to end up jobless, husband less, homeless, and eventually a 24/7 caregiver…with no vacations…oh .right, all your “vacation “ plans will be only with your mother.
TAKE THE JOB!!! MARRY YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!
Help your mother downsize & move to independent living apartment….that can later on graduate to assisted living.
Please don’t ruin your life. Tell your sister to take care of your mother if she’s so concerned.
I’m 62 and my mother is 94 with dementia. She didn’t always have dementia…or have incontinence or immobile 30 years ago..but we were lonely & stayed together…I never married & my “career “ got put on hold too. Oh & btw, my mother needed assistance because she developed vision problem in her 60s …my father passed away 29 years ago. …& here I am still home with my mother.
DON’T MAKE MY MISTAKE!!!!
HUGS 🤗
I suggest that the family get together now and speak with Mom. Support her well as you are able until the time comes, if it comes, that she cannot maintain herself in her home.
And by the way, grab that job. If you need counseling to sort this out it is Licensed Social Workers who are especially trained to help with "life transitions" work often enough. They will help you comb out what you "job in life" is now. And what options are available now and in future to your Mom. Remember, you have your own life. Your Mom and Dad already had theirs. They would not want you to sacrifice yourself on some altar for them I am betting (I am hoping). Many elders don't have ONE child, let alone several to help them negotiate their elder years.
Hugs 🤗
Self-care is not selfish. Everyone please say that out loud several times throughout your life journey.
I’m unenthused and a wee bit disgusted at your sister’s suggestion. While she may have your mom’s best interest at heart, she isn’t thinking of YOUR best interest.
Because I can “hear” the excitement in your words, my humble opinion is that you embark on whatever path(s) your heart desires at this moment, regardless of sister’s wants or mom’s needs. You have a life to live, so go for it!
There are all kinds of senior care companies out there, as well as private duty caregivers … not to mention friends, neighbors, fellow church goers … you name it. It may take some tome getting some good folks in place, but you can do it. And you’ll find time to visit and check in on mom, too. You will.