My mother recently lost her husband and shouldn't need to live alone. Do I pass up a job offer after being unemployed for over a year?

Live your life. Mom needs to make/find her way after being widowed. It is her job. My mom found her way through it {70} even with a long history of depression. I called weekly…we talked through issues but I kept my life as a single woman in place .. across the country..In time when mom was 80 she moved back east to be near my brother and I. We now have stepped up to help her as she needs due to aging..

OP this may not apply to you or your family but if your rehab counselor has not already recommended this, I recommend researching the dynamics of narcissistic families. This website is also a useful resource. https://outofthefog.website/

The OP supposedly has a job offer. If the sister of the OP only asked her to help their mom for 3 months, that's 3 months too long. The job offer will not wait 3 months, or even 1. This issue alone is sufficient to say no to the request for help independent of any help OP received from sister in the past. OP can repay sister's help some other way without sacrificing her livelihood.

This woman is my aunt and her post isn’t the full story. For the last 25 years, my mother has supported her emotionally and financially while this woman was suffering drugs, encouraged her and raised her daughter, who’s now 28 AND contributed a large portion of money for the car that she’s in to help her restart her this life she’s posting about...all my mom was asking for was a few months of support for my grandmother. Support that she felt was fair given their past. 
Not to mention rehabs number one no no which is moving back to the town where the patient suffered addiction, Let’s talk about THAT! Cause that’s where she’s moving to smh

I would not do something that you are not happy doing since this will only build resentment and bad feelings toward your sister and possibly your mother as well [being human, that could be a natural reaction]. We don't know your or your mother's financial position, but there may other alternatives besides your moving there - I presume that your mother is currently living alone? what is her health like? perhaps hiring someone to spend time with her, maybe even nights; look into other facilities for her; maybe there is someone-family or friend with whom she could live? perhaps she could move in with you? maybe she prefers to stay on her own- at least for a time? You might talk with Dept. of Aging, both where you live and where your mother lives to look at options. Since you currently are in the process of developing a new relationship, perhaps talking with him/her may be helpful.
Bottom line - I believe your first priority is to take care of you before you can effectively take care of someone else.

Do not move in with her. I am 73 and lost my husband eight months ago. I moved to senior independent living where there are others my own age, abilities and interests as well as common facilities like the swimming pool. if that is not an option get her connected with a local senior center where activities and usually a lunch is available. If she can no longer drive help her learn how to use Uber, lift or gogo grandparent. your life will be miserable if you move in with her and she will not have the companionship of people her own age.

No - you do not turn down the job. We all know when we get married that at sometime one of us is going to be left on their own. It is hard, at times she will be very unhappy, in time she will rebuild her life. Of course support with visits to or from her, but don't try and be a stand in for your father, that does not work, you can never replace that relationship and mother WILL come to terms with her single life and make the best of it in her own way.............If in 18 moths time she is struggling then think again, but for the first year everything she does she will be doing alone for the first time, this is the worst time because everything brings back memories, as time passes the effect of this diminishes and she will be able to move on. Live your life not hers whilst being loving and supportive but not trying to fill an unfillable gap.

"do I reject this new job offer, put my relationship on hold/try to make it work long distance, put my dreams of finally getting my life on the right track on hold in order to move with my mother who is in good health"

No.
Absolutely NOT.

There was a time when I would have thought it was "reasonable" to ask the single person who (presumably) doesn't have responsibilities and whose goals and needs are not tied to/based on a spouse or children to put everything on hold to "take care of" their mom. Now I am a little more wise and having befriended / spoken to several single people, mostly women, I realize how unfair and unreasonable that is.

You need your own life. And your mother has options. You say she is healthy and just has some vision issues. You say she is widowed, so of course she needs emotional support. While she probably would prefer a family member be with her all/most of the time, that is not the only (or necessarily the best) solution.

From the tone of your questions, you care about your mother and about doing the right thing. Since your reluctance to comply with your sister's request is not rooted in bitterness, selfishness, etc. and it does not seem to be a refusal of the only or obvious solution, I say you need to remember to take care of yourself while still looking out for your mom.

I experienced putting life on hold, and it wasn't pretty. I experienced complete burnout. The level of care I provided to my mom diminished because I didn't have the mental or physical energy anymore. The little extra touches, the creativity, the positivity, it wasn't there anymore because I was drained. It's not worth it.

-----------------------------------------

I spent about a month or so doing full time caregiving after my mom's surgery. During that time I didn't pursue any personal interests and had little time/energy for my preteen kids. It was not good for me.

The financial strain created stress and led me to deplete my little savings. I am thankful for family and my church family who helped me during that time. But looking back, I realize I should have pursued home health through Medicare, should have applied for her Medicaid coverage and/or should have told my mom she needed to use some of her disability check to pay for help. I didn't know any better at the time.

The lack of social interaction and the lack of purpose I had previously gained from going to a job caused me to close up emotionally. I had somewhat of a cloud over me. (All this I realize in retrospect.) When I did return to work, I was so happy to have something to do in the larger world. Happy to have something not health/caregiving related.

My mother has several health issues that necessitate someone helping her or monitoring her for safety and hygiene daily. Assisted living would not be safe for her. From what you have said, I think your mom could manage with either home health and caregivers visiting her home regularly or by moving to an assisted living facility where she has her own space, but also people around her in similar situations along w/ professional support.

You need to build a future for yourself. This job offer you speak of is an important step towards doing that. You are blessed that your mother doesn't have a medical crisis that requires immediate decisions. I recommend having a discussion with your sister about what support your mother needs and how she can have that short term and long term, then let her know what you are ABLE and willing to do.

Find out what your mom would like also.

Researching care options online, making phone calls to gather info or set appointments, handling bill payments online, calling regularly to see how mom is doing, writing letters/sending cards, and simply being a sounding board are all valid ways to support your mom and your sister. Decide what things you can handle and offer that.

Jesus said the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as you LOVE YOURSELF.

take the job, which is what your mother would also tell you

I enjoyed this question. So you have had issues that according to your sister where "yours" so you need to now repay the family that must have had to take care of you and "issues " with not going your own way to new life "back on track" which might be to sister another trial which might again come back to? Now. Only you know your age, how many programs, and back on tracks you have had, but this sister is stating something here and you need to listen carefully, if you do not put take care or repay what was undoubtedly given to you, not her, she will make sure you not get another new beginning.

So, know thyself, know thy new relationship and ask yourself have you done this before and then the new beginning goes back to yet another return to mom's help.?

Otherwise, your sister would not be basically telling you what to do. So, it is an easy fix. You need to do your life but there is No return for another program, so if you have used your family for their money, start overs, they are no longer going to help you out, so you need to make it this time, and since you are starting out with plenty of attractive "new" things this is very tempting to think and feel elated and of course things will be different until what? The friend that is new turns not to be so nice, you feel sad and guilty, you end up being ?

Know your triggers and know that they will always be there. Yes you deserve a new beginning and your mom does not need to have A Roommate because she had a man for 50 years that in itself sounds like we could all use that excuse.

Your mom needs to grieve ad anyone else does, and if eyesight is challenged perhaps time to relocate to be nearby family Oke your sister and grand, vs. You becoming another person she leans on.

This is the time that your sister who must have POA begin to see after her mother for the future and assisted living sounds appropriate but as I said, this is all good but her asking you is to Tell you this is It for you, so you can very well tell her that you will do your part and suggest Assisted living or someone to assist her in the home.

BUT this is your Wakeup call and they both are in agreement with each other over this, so your mother expects this as well.

If you walk to the New things waiting for You, know that you will not be able to call them telling them about your concerns, what happened, etc. So. Be careful trusting this new plan, are you Ready? Do you have backup plan, do you know how to walk away vs. Get involve and then convince yourself I can handle it now? New friend clean, have clean friends? All it takes is an intro to your Trigger and most cannot walk away, can you?

This is what Only you can Answer truthfully. As we know any issues with addiction is only ,"1" use away from being back to where we were. So, if you have struggled most of your life. Have been here before, your sister is really saying ok here we go, this is yet another trial that will lead you back to them, you really need to realize this is Your last time. Your sister is not you mom but she now calls the shots and will hold the purse strings.
Commentary is for most who put their children in this position despite their good intentions.

parents set this up by failing to hold the children with issues accountable vs. Just giving them excuses and start overs.

other children hate this and tired of the disease of addiction, so you need the children who did not get your attention while the one you gave the help to, still need whst they need over 20 years ago.

know that the child you need will not like their position so be nice they really feel as this sister feels. Get the one you gave to to do their giving back so please watch the disease of Codependency, it is one for sure and now the independent child is not desiring to give her mom her life because she is thinking you did not do for me, so I do not owe you,.

I can tell you are torn. I completely understand. When I invited my mother to live in my town near me, I immediately felt I had put my feet in concrete.

As it turned out, I did not.

It has been challenging for me to step away from my career financially, socially, and emotionally. However, there have been good things, too. My BF knew my commitments, moved to be near me, and openly accepted caring for my mom as a joint responsibility. Honestly, I can go without a lot of things and make my life work. But, the hardest thing for me is affording health insurance which I think is really unfortunate.

A few thoughts I have on the topic:
1. Talk with your mom. Honestly and openly about how she would do without you nearby.

2. Think outside the box to solve the challenges you both are sure to face. Can you and your sister take turns visiting your mom on weekends? Can she rotate to come visit you?

3. No decision is ever final. You might not like the job. Your mom might not want to stay in her home or town. It's impossible to know about your GF.

As I see it, the key is communication, evaluation (of needs), planning (for events), and flexibility as things change.


Things will always change. Focus on the skills you need to adapt to the change rather than 1 decision that might not be right going forward.

Your heart is in the right place. Make sure you stay healthy enough to care for the people you love so much.

Mom doesn't need to live alone? That is not a reason to decide she needs 24/7 care.
Having your children, or anyone move in is disruptive and at times damaging to all involved. (I did it, never again, Mom did need help but we siblings should have educated ourselves better about other options.)
And are you willing to give up 5-20 or more years of your life? Be her constant companion and significant other? Her worker bee? Her pounding block when times get bad?
Keep your life, Mom and Dad had theirs and planned for this or something similar. If she is still able she should decide how to live out her life.
Have a great one!

RUN

Imho, your answer should be "No, I cannot accommodate your request" for your stated reasons.

I believe the answer is "I am so sorry, I can't do that".

Why can't your mother live alone? Is she ill? She must be in her 70's, I have 2 relatives and the sister-of-my-heart, who are all in their 70's and widowed. They live alone. I take that back, one has a friend sharing her house. If she doesn't want to be alone, and you didn't say it was her suggesting you give up your life. I recommend A senior apartment or assisted living.

Tell your sister "No". Just because she wants you to give up your life doesn't mean you have to do it. If she mentions you are single, tell her that you can't get married if you are still living at home. The nerve of your sister. HUMP!

You don't need anyone's permission to live your own life. Maybe mom would be happy moving into a 55+ apartment complex. We have some really nice ones around here with nice amenities and activities. She would have plenty of opportunities to socialize and not be lonely.

Your sister has no business asking you to make such sacrifices. I get the feeling that this has been a pattern in your family with mom and sister basically telling you how to live and what to do. It's time to break free from that. Life is short. You can have a life of your own and not in any way feel guilty for doing so.

Take the job, nurture your relationship. You have the You don’t say what your Mom wants to do in all of this. I love how people’s families feel it’s OK to tell us what to do without having to do the work themselves! I suggest you talk to your mother in a few months, once she has had time to adjust, and find out what SHE wants to do.

Take the job.

I hate to say this but after being a live in care giver for six years and knowing many other live in care givers I would take the job.

Being a live in care giver is the most stressful abusive experience I have ever experienced in my life.

It may sound harsh but from much experience it will prevent a lot of stress and abuse.

Sure looks like most on the forum are encouraging you to keep your job and build your life and love your mother from where you are, but not to drop everything to become her sole live-in caretaker and companion.

Good luck to you in your new job.

Rehab requires you to become independent, especially from toxic people who may (or may not) have been in your life.

Continue with your plans, no guilt. Make yourself a good life.

Your mother can get paid in-home help.

Me and my bro are living with terrible regrets . He’s alone and also a life of rehab. He also fried his brain to the point that solutions that could be implemented to make both tasks work, seem difficult for him because when things are manageable to most, for him feels like stress so he gets anxious and grabs the 5 beers. Some people would know how to compromise with this. Don’t say you won’t consider the possibility in the future to move in with mom once your life is stable and settled , but for now, you like a chance. Unless you’re sister has been doing all the work to help your parents all this time and you’ve been unavailable and now she finally needs the break?

Absolutely not. Your retired sister is helping her daughter/grandchild? That's not even close to what she's asking of you.

Say no to your sister, take the job. You have to plan for your future and take care of yourself. Just because she is a widow doesn't mean she is helpless.

Think ahead 10 years. By saying no to a job and relationship you want now, you are seriously compromising your future making it more likely to wind up alone with no financial security. Passing on this job and any job to be your mom’s companion will have serious future financial consequences for you. And good partners don’t come along every day. When your mom is gone and her home sold, what will happen to you? Your sister will still be focused on her children and grandchildren—her life. Look for a solution that does not sacrifice your present and your future. You matter, too.

You need to do what is best for you and not feel guilty about it. You need to financially
support yourself and think of your retirement and future care. It is not fair for your sister to expect you to provide all of the care. She may have other obligations, but it's her Mother also. You said you also have started a recent relationship. You were wondering if it would work as a long distance relationship. That is difficult to do. If you moved by your Mother you would probably be staying there and not moving back to where you are. That relationship would not survive. Can you find an assisted living place for your Mom in the city where she lives now? Could you find one near you or your sister? A senior apartment complex may be an option also depending on her health. If money is a issue, selling her home can give her funds or public assistance could be an option. Contact a social worker at the places you check into they can give you information on that. You sound very torn in what you need to do. You're concerned about your Mom having to live alone after her husbands death. That can be difficult, but she'll need time to adjust no matter what. You should be emotionally supportive without sacrificing your own life. I hope this helps.

Take the job! Please don't put your life on hold for your mom's sake. You can never get that time back. Also, you never mentioned your mom asking you to put your life on hold. Be happy.

As BarbBrooklyn says, your mother's care needs should determine whether she needs someone living with her, not her widowhood.

Lots of us are widows and we live alone just fine.

If she needs it, you can help your mother make arrangements for specific help when it is appropriate.

Why does your sister get to have the life she wants and chose?
I didn't even finish reading as soon as I read my sister asked me.....
You and your sister need to find a different option. Plain and simple.
You deserve to have a chance at your life also.
I had the same situation, I am married no children, my house is the biggest (I worked for it). I ended up taking in both my parents. Listen, It's not easy it takes everything out of you and interferes with everything. And you do not know for how long and.. it only gets worse, they get older, needier. We care, we love, but realistically it's not the best situation to be in for some of us. Consider wisely.

fyi: my opinion comes from NOT having had the best family dynamic and being raised in a dysfunctional environment to say the least. With more recent crazy events leading to them living with me.

It sounds like you are asking permission to say “no” to your sister and to live your own life on your own terms.

You have permission. Follow your gut. Everyone else will be okay.