I live out of town, single and after being jobless for a year,I finally got an offer, but my mother is also newly widowed. My sister is married, newly retired with a new grand baby who is in the home, so she will be helping her daughter and baby. Since I’m single I’ve been asked by my sister if I could move in with our mother so she won’t be alone. I’ve had such a hard time finding a job and now that I’ve finally been offered a job, I’m being asked by my sister to basically turn it down and move back home. I don’t want to sound selfish or uncaring however I’m torn as to what to do. I want to do what’s, at the same time, I finally got a job, looking forward to starting my life over after successfully completing a rehab program and getting thru covid. I’m so anxious to get my life back on track, not to mention, I’ve recently started a new relationship back where I live. I’ve never been married and would love to have that experience. But now, it seems that I have to put my dreams on hold in order to move back home to be with my mother. So I guess my question is, do I reject this new job offer, put my relationship on hold/try to make it work long distance, put my dreams of finally getting my life on the right track on hold in order to move with my mother who is in good health but has challenged eyesight which is a concern of ours plus the fact that she will be living alone after 50 years of marriage will be hard. What do I do??
You have permission. Follow your gut. Everyone else will be okay.
I didn't even finish reading as soon as I read my sister asked me.....
You and your sister need to find a different option. Plain and simple.
You deserve to have a chance at your life also.
I had the same situation, I am married no children, my house is the biggest (I worked for it). I ended up taking in both my parents. Listen, It's not easy it takes everything out of you and interferes with everything. And you do not know for how long and.. it only gets worse, they get older, needier. We care, we love, but realistically it's not the best situation to be in for some of us. Consider wisely.
fyi: my opinion comes from NOT having had the best family dynamic and being raised in a dysfunctional environment to say the least. With more recent crazy events leading to them living with me.
Lots of us are widows and we live alone just fine.
If she needs it, you can help your mother make arrangements for specific help when it is appropriate.
support yourself and think of your retirement and future care. It is not fair for your sister to expect you to provide all of the care. She may have other obligations, but it's her Mother also. You said you also have started a recent relationship. You were wondering if it would work as a long distance relationship. That is difficult to do. If you moved by your Mother you would probably be staying there and not moving back to where you are. That relationship would not survive. Can you find an assisted living place for your Mom in the city where she lives now? Could you find one near you or your sister? A senior apartment complex may be an option also depending on her health. If money is a issue, selling her home can give her funds or public assistance could be an option. Contact a social worker at the places you check into they can give you information on that. You sound very torn in what you need to do. You're concerned about your Mom having to live alone after her husbands death. That can be difficult, but she'll need time to adjust no matter what. You should be emotionally supportive without sacrificing your own life. I hope this helps.
Continue with your plans, no guilt. Make yourself a good life.
Your mother can get paid in-home help.
Not to mention rehabs number one no no which is moving back to the town where the patient suffered addiction, Let’s talk about THAT! Cause that’s where she’s moving to smh
Good luck to you in your new job.
Being a live in care giver is the most stressful abusive experience I have ever experienced in my life.
It may sound harsh but from much experience it will prevent a lot of stress and abuse.
I think she is resentful and grieved about her health and her situation and takes it out on me.
Your sister has no business asking you to make such sacrifices. I get the feeling that this has been a pattern in your family with mom and sister basically telling you how to live and what to do. It's time to break free from that. Life is short. You can have a life of your own and not in any way feel guilty for doing so.
Why can't your mother live alone? Is she ill? She must be in her 70's, I have 2 relatives and the sister-of-my-heart, who are all in their 70's and widowed. They live alone. I take that back, one has a friend sharing her house. If she doesn't want to be alone, and you didn't say it was her suggesting you give up your life. I recommend A senior apartment or assisted living.
Tell your sister "No". Just because she wants you to give up your life doesn't mean you have to do it. If she mentions you are single, tell her that you can't get married if you are still living at home. The nerve of your sister. HUMP!
Having your children, or anyone move in is disruptive and at times damaging to all involved. (I did it, never again, Mom did need help but we siblings should have educated ourselves better about other options.)
And are you willing to give up 5-20 or more years of your life? Be her constant companion and significant other? Her worker bee? Her pounding block when times get bad?
Keep your life, Mom and Dad had theirs and planned for this or something similar. If she is still able she should decide how to live out her life.
Have a great one!
As it turned out, I did not.
It has been challenging for me to step away from my career financially, socially, and emotionally. However, there have been good things, too. My BF knew my commitments, moved to be near me, and openly accepted caring for my mom as a joint responsibility. Honestly, I can go without a lot of things and make my life work. But, the hardest thing for me is affording health insurance which I think is really unfortunate.
A few thoughts I have on the topic:
1. Talk with your mom. Honestly and openly about how she would do without you nearby.
2. Think outside the box to solve the challenges you both are sure to face. Can you and your sister take turns visiting your mom on weekends? Can she rotate to come visit you?
3. No decision is ever final. You might not like the job. Your mom might not want to stay in her home or town. It's impossible to know about your GF.
As I see it, the key is communication, evaluation (of needs), planning (for events), and flexibility as things change.
Things will always change. Focus on the skills you need to adapt to the change rather than 1 decision that might not be right going forward.
Your heart is in the right place. Make sure you stay healthy enough to care for the people you love so much.
So, know thyself, know thy new relationship and ask yourself have you done this before and then the new beginning goes back to yet another return to mom's help.?
Otherwise, your sister would not be basically telling you what to do. So, it is an easy fix. You need to do your life but there is No return for another program, so if you have used your family for their money, start overs, they are no longer going to help you out, so you need to make it this time, and since you are starting out with plenty of attractive "new" things this is very tempting to think and feel elated and of course things will be different until what? The friend that is new turns not to be so nice, you feel sad and guilty, you end up being ?
Know your triggers and know that they will always be there. Yes you deserve a new beginning and your mom does not need to have A Roommate because she had a man for 50 years that in itself sounds like we could all use that excuse.
Your mom needs to grieve ad anyone else does, and if eyesight is challenged perhaps time to relocate to be nearby family Oke your sister and grand, vs. You becoming another person she leans on.
This is the time that your sister who must have POA begin to see after her mother for the future and assisted living sounds appropriate but as I said, this is all good but her asking you is to Tell you this is It for you, so you can very well tell her that you will do your part and suggest Assisted living or someone to assist her in the home.
BUT this is your Wakeup call and they both are in agreement with each other over this, so your mother expects this as well.
If you walk to the New things waiting for You, know that you will not be able to call them telling them about your concerns, what happened, etc. So. Be careful trusting this new plan, are you Ready? Do you have backup plan, do you know how to walk away vs. Get involve and then convince yourself I can handle it now? New friend clean, have clean friends? All it takes is an intro to your Trigger and most cannot walk away, can you?
This is what Only you can Answer truthfully. As we know any issues with addiction is only ,"1" use away from being back to where we were. So, if you have struggled most of your life. Have been here before, your sister is really saying ok here we go, this is yet another trial that will lead you back to them, you really need to realize this is Your last time. Your sister is not you mom but she now calls the shots and will hold the purse strings.
Commentary is for most who put their children in this position despite their good intentions.
parents set this up by failing to hold the children with issues accountable vs. Just giving them excuses and start overs.
other children hate this and tired of the disease of addiction, so you need the children who did not get your attention while the one you gave the help to, still need whst they need over 20 years ago.
know that the child you need will not like their position so be nice they really feel as this sister feels. Get the one you gave to to do their giving back so please watch the disease of Codependency, it is one for sure and now the independent child is not desiring to give her mom her life because she is thinking you did not do for me, so I do not owe you,.
No.
Absolutely NOT.
There was a time when I would have thought it was "reasonable" to ask the single person who (presumably) doesn't have responsibilities and whose goals and needs are not tied to/based on a spouse or children to put everything on hold to "take care of" their mom. Now I am a little more wise and having befriended / spoken to several single people, mostly women, I realize how unfair and unreasonable that is.
You need your own life. And your mother has options. You say she is healthy and just has some vision issues. You say she is widowed, so of course she needs emotional support. While she probably would prefer a family member be with her all/most of the time, that is not the only (or necessarily the best) solution.
From the tone of your questions, you care about your mother and about doing the right thing. Since your reluctance to comply with your sister's request is not rooted in bitterness, selfishness, etc. and it does not seem to be a refusal of the only or obvious solution, I say you need to remember to take care of yourself while still looking out for your mom.
I experienced putting life on hold, and it wasn't pretty. I experienced complete burnout. The level of care I provided to my mom diminished because I didn't have the mental or physical energy anymore. The little extra touches, the creativity, the positivity, it wasn't there anymore because I was drained. It's not worth it.
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I spent about a month or so doing full time caregiving after my mom's surgery. During that time I didn't pursue any personal interests and had little time/energy for my preteen kids. It was not good for me.
The financial strain created stress and led me to deplete my little savings. I am thankful for family and my church family who helped me during that time. But looking back, I realize I should have pursued home health through Medicare, should have applied for her Medicaid coverage and/or should have told my mom she needed to use some of her disability check to pay for help. I didn't know any better at the time.
The lack of social interaction and the lack of purpose I had previously gained from going to a job caused me to close up emotionally. I had somewhat of a cloud over me. (All this I realize in retrospect.) When I did return to work, I was so happy to have something to do in the larger world. Happy to have something not health/caregiving related.
My mother has several health issues that necessitate someone helping her or monitoring her for safety and hygiene daily. Assisted living would not be safe for her. From what you have said, I think your mom could manage with either home health and caregivers visiting her home regularly or by moving to an assisted living facility where she has her own space, but also people around her in similar situations along w/ professional support.
You need to build a future for yourself. This job offer you speak of is an important step towards doing that. You are blessed that your mother doesn't have a medical crisis that requires immediate decisions. I recommend having a discussion with your sister about what support your mother needs and how she can have that short term and long term, then let her know what you are ABLE and willing to do.
Find out what your mom would like also.
Researching care options online, making phone calls to gather info or set appointments, handling bill payments online, calling regularly to see how mom is doing, writing letters/sending cards, and simply being a sounding board are all valid ways to support your mom and your sister. Decide what things you can handle and offer that.
Jesus said the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as you LOVE YOURSELF.
Such wise words and good balance.
You are truly blessed that you saw what caregiving was doing to your children and yourself before it was years into the journey and everyone was negatively impacted.
Well done!
Thank you for sharing what has worked for you to help others.
Bottom line - I believe your first priority is to take care of you before you can effectively take care of someone else.
Not to mention rehabs number one no no which is moving back to the town where the patient suffered addiction, Let’s talk about THAT! Cause that’s where she’s moving to smh