My mom lives with me. She has dementia. I am her caregiver. She has been having both urine and stool incontinence but hates wearing her depends. I have bought her pads but they don't work very well. I had her doctor tell her she needs them but she forgets or just refuses, I'm not always sure. She's being prideful, but soiling your pants can't be a good feeling. I have to inspect the toilet area every time she goes to the bathroom to make sure there is no poop on the seat and the floor. Any suggestions?
The two main reasons why families "place" an elderly LO are stubbornness and incontinence.
Here is how you handle your mother. She wears the Depends or she goes into care. It is not her decision. If she is not too advanced in her dementia make her understand in plain terms that pridefulness will be tolerated in your house.
So it's the Depends or the nursing home.
If you have to tape them on her, do it. She'll get used to it. Then have a toileting schedule too. I've had clients where we had to tape their diapers on with duct tape because they'd get out of them. Easily and safely removed with a pair of rounded-tip bandage scissors. These kinds of scissors are used in hospitals and care facilities to cut dressings from wounds. They are safe. Get some.
You will always have to inspect the bathroom after she uses it. That's not going to change. You can make her use the Depends though.
If things continue to progress to where life becomes unmanageable for you, look into Memory Care Assisted Living. My mother lived in MC for the last 3 years of her life w advanced dementia bc there was no way on earth I'd have been able or willing to handle her myriad issues.
I suggest you read this 33 of booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you
Do you ever now consider whether it may soon be time for in-facility care? Without your constant monitoring now I am afraid this is going to not be controllable. Do you still feel capable of such close and continuous care?
I wish I had an answer to the depends thing? I think it does become a bit like a toddler who removes things--they don't like the "feeling of it" and their automatic response is to get rid of it. And they cannot really be reasoned with about it.
I certainly don't mean like a toddler in the sense of cleanup, because it is so much worse.
I am really sorry, and wish I had a good answer for you, and I hope someone else does. We in nursing sometimes used tapes that were not removable unless cut apart, but it was by no means a foolproof solution, and we really had none but cleanup.
1. the nice soft pullups or
2. Huge bulky Nursing Home style incontinence pads.
Look & feel (+ independance/pride) was important to her. Cost too, so explaining 1 was cheaper & looked nicer than 2 has worked.
Be conscious that 'forgetting or refusing' can also be *faulty memory* eg can't actually remember the sequence of dressing, or work out tops from bottoms or how to put on. Also mobility, bending, placing legs in the holes etc due to pain, stiffness, loss of balance, fear or falling.
My guess is your Mom is on the edge of needing assistance with this now - either supervision, prompting, or hands-on help.
YES to hide those scissors!
And remove all other underwear options.
If she chooses to go 'commando' then I would cover my house, all furniture & beds with incontinence mats.
Your mom's ability to make good choices is not really all there. It's probably time to remove her regular underwear from the home and leave no option but the Depends. I did switch my mom to the 'Dry Direct' brand, which are a little more expensive, but seem more comfortable because the fabric used for the sides is softer. Maybe try some samples of different brands?
At some point the need to keep them healthy trumps their preferences, though taking away their freedom of choice always feels rotten.