She lives on her own and I took care of her before she went into hospital with a UTI. She was very demanding and took my care for granted. I was so exhausted physically and mentally that I don't want to do it anymore. I love my mother but I don't really like her. She has suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia since she was a teenager and this has meant that she has led a very basic life, living her life through me and my brothers, wanting to know every detail of our lives, especially mine.
Overall she was a good mother but was very controlling and could be emotionally abusive at times and these memories have stuck with me. While she has mellowed somewhat in recent years, she is still well capable of pushing my buttons, insulting me and just making me feel bad while making herself out to be superior. When she does this I hate her. Other times she is very caring and then I love her again. She has a way of manipulating my mind that I can't explain.
She is a different person in AL, in good form with no anxiety. But I know when she comes home she'll go back to her anxious ways, be constantly complaining and expecting me to step up and be at her beck and call. She has no dementia but is physically frail. There will be carers visiting twice a day but I know she will still be calling me and asking me to do things for her in between their visits. She won't care that I have my own child to look after, a home to clean, pets to mind, bills to pay and a full time job.
I made it clear to her on the phone that I would not be taking care of her if she comes home and that's when she started to insult me and threatened to leave me nothing in her will. Then I feel guilty but resentful and angry at the same time. I accept that I could be described as selfish but has anybody else been in a similar position or experienced how I feel? Would it be ok for me not to answer her calls?
Having said all this, I'm afraid I'll probably end up taking care of her anyway and resenting every minute of it, being totally exhausted again and having no other life.
I'm sitting on the sun relaxing with a coffee. Misty, take a seat, join me 😊
Mother. Previously living on her own. But was she living alone *independantly*? 🤔
Had carers visiting but also expected you at 'beck & call'.
Mother is currently in AL. She hasn't adjusted to the idea or accepted she needs assisted living but really.. 'assisted living' was what she also had at home, right?
The carer staff & you providing the assistance.
So that's #1. Her frailty & reality.
#2 Decision making. She is free to make her own decisions (unless proved incapable to do so). Therfore she is free to move back home. This is *Dignity of Choice*.
OK Mother you can choose to go home. Therefore YOU Mother must make ALL the arrangements. Hire your careres, coordinate the hours, arrange payment & hire for all else.
(Many have used this with success. If she cannot move - she stays. Mistylu, you DO have power!)
I have used this line time & time again now:
"I don't agree. So I won't be helping with that."
#3 Responsibility. It is unfortunate that agoraphobia & anxiety have had such impact on your Mother's life. Yet these reside within her. She has responsibility to seek treatment or therapy. (She does now & always did).
It is not your responsibility to fix those issues or to bend the world around to suit her. Many people have a 'dependant personality' style, woe is me etc. If they find someone to smooth their life for them, they stick like glue.
Once adapted, your Mother will probably stick like glue to the new routines on her AL instead.
PS wish I had a cake for this coffee... The icing would be this:
What your Mother WANTS are not directives for you to obey.
You simply have NO obligation to provide unpaid, in-home, hands on care for her, mother or not. It's an obligation that exists in your head. And maybe in hers.
"Good" parents know this and don't try to steal their adult children's lives and health. They prepare financially for their old age or they rely on State funding for their care.
Please take care of yourself. You're the only one looking out for you!
But I felt a mixture of love, obligation and yes, guilt and manipulation. Now I essentially work, take care of her and sleep (now that I have an overnight caregiver). It’s not much of a life. Your mom sounds a lot like mine, She doesn’t care that I have my own children, a husband, a home to clean, pets, bills to pay, and a job. Proceed with extreme caution, and don’t feel guilty if you decide not to do it. Plus it sounds like she’s doing even better in AL! Save yourself!
"Having said all this, I'm afraid I'll probably end up taking care of her anyway and resenting every minute of it, being totally exhausted again and having no other life."
No, no one can force you to take care of her. You're an adult with a child to raise. Think of your child's face every time you start to buckle and remember how much unhappiness she causes for you. You and your child are the priority. You need to defend your boundary because she's not going to respect it.
As far as being written out of her Will... tell her that's fine with you. Most of the time people don't even get around to doing it, anyway because they have to go to an attorney's office and pay money to do it. She has nothing to hang over your head if you have nothing you want from her. I got the same threat (for a different reason) and when I called my Mom's bluff she was speechless and it never happened.
You aren't responsible for your Mom's happiness. She only controls you if you allow it. She had her whole life to deal with her mental health issues and didn't. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you become your own defender.
It you fall for that, then you get the life you chose to have. No body is making this decision but you. You are making your life choices.
I think you might hate yourself if you follow through with this crazy plan.
He WANTS to run across the road, without looking both ways. That wouldn’t be good for either him, or his mother. He could get hurt, and she would be very sad. So, she can’t say yes.
He WANTS to only eat cupcakes for lunch. That wouldn’t be good for either him, or his mother. He would end up as a screamie meemie on a sugar high, and probably reacting to the dyes in the frosting, and she would be driven crazy. So, she can’t say yes.
Your mother WANTS to come home. That wouldn’t be good for HER, or for YOU. She wouldn’t be getting the care she NEEDS (you have a family of your own) and, you would be driven insane. So, you can’t say yes.
Simple.
YOU CANNOT SAY YES.
My mother now has this childlike quality about her which is endearing except when I want to wring her neck. She marvels at things as if she is seeing them for the first time and has a sense of wonder no 80something year old three times divorced adult has - at least none I have met.
A lot of times it really feels like dealing with a kid:
“Go back inside and put on a coat. No, not that one. Your new coat. What did you do with it already?”
I know it grates on her to be treated like that, but she acts like a little girl including the tantrums and going to her bedroom and slamming the door shut.
Over time, if dementia is involved, it gets worse. My aunt - who was an artist who traveled the world studying and learning different folk and native art until well into her 70s - lost her speech and ended up carrying a teddy bear around with her everywhere in her last years. It is heartbreaking.
As for being left out of the will, I'd rather have my sanity, peace, and happiness than a possible future inheritance. She sounds so manipulative you might not even be in the will RIGHT NOW. If she's very wealthy, you will have to weigh out money/misery vs. happiness and make a choice. Also, just hope that she doesn't leave you out of the will anyway. The fact that she threatens you with that shows her true character.
I know what you mean by saying that your mom has a way of pushing your buttons.
Flip flopping behavior makes it difficult to know what will happen next. Plus, the fact that your mom isn’t able to see her behavior as it truly is unnerving.
It can be a total waste of time and energy to confront people about their behavior. Most times they will become defensive and deny everything. Even worse, they will try to blame everything on others.
You’re very wise not to want to take on the responsibility of being her primary caregiver. Take comfort in knowing that your mom is being well cared for.
Don’t be swayed by anything that she says to convince you to that she can return home. I wouldn’t appreciate being emotionally blackmailed by her.
Personally, I wouldn’t care if she left me out of her will. I would rather have peace of mind that she had enough money to live in an assisted living facility.
Your responsibilities are first and foremost to your own household. There is no need to feel guilty about living your own life.
Wouldn’t the facility call you in an emergency? You don’t have to answer your phone every time that she calls you to complain about this or that. Let her call go to voicemail.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Do what I say I or you are nothing to me. Yep, blackmail. Yuk.
Says who?
Your mother is a manipulative, needy person who lives her life in such a way as to require others to do for her.
At no cost to her
But at GREAT cost to you.
I think it's time to change that.
"Mother, I think that moral obligation exists in your head. It's not reality. I need to take care of myself. You have other options for your care. Only I can take care of my health "